Rough Day For Alleged Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator. This is by far, one of the most bizarre, and absurd, stories I have ever heard. Where did this occur? Of course, in the great weird State of Florida. I would expect nothing else. As a matter of fact, I can usually tell if a story occurred in Florida, just by how absurd it is. The more absurd the circumstances, the more likely it happened in Florida. I have already written about this Florida phenomena, so enough about that. Every time, I think things could not possibly get anymore more absurd, it does.
OK, Let’s dive right into today’s story…..
Just imagine this happened to you, if you dare. Seriously!, OK, it’s about 7:00 PM, or so, you are hanging out in your bedroom, doing whatever, just you, your spouse, significant other, partner, friend with benefits, whoever. It doesn’t really matter. Suddenly, you both hear a noise, a really, really, loud noise, something loud, like thunder.
You head outside to investigate this really annoying, loud sound. Of course, this action was most likely precipitated by your spouse, imploring, no demanding, that you go out, and see what it is, while she stayed inside, and waited in the relative safety of the bedroom.
As you head outside, looking for the source of the annoying noise, you look up, and what do you see? There is a naked guy on top of your roof. Before you can react, the naked roof guy suddenly, jumps down from the roof, and lands right on top of you. The impact of of the flying naked guy striking you on the left shoulder, sends you sprawling to the ground. See, you should have just put your foot down, and said; Hell No, and stayed inside.
It gets even more absurd my friends, trust me, I am not making this stuff up.As you are laying on the ground, stunned, the flying naked guy, gets up and runs into the house, which in your irritation at being ordered by your partner to go check out the noise, you inadvertently left the front door wide open. This turns out to be a serious mistake. The flying naked guy proceeds to rip the nice, large, flat screen TV right off the wall. That’s right, he rips it right off the wall. To make matters worse, the flying naked guy, now, to be referred to as the, naked running around guy, grabs the vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to fling the contents from the vacuum cleaner, all over the living room.
It gets even more absurd my friends, this is absurd on steroids. Like I said, I am not making this stuff up. Remember this is Florida, after all.
About this time, your spouse, significant other, partner, friend with benefits, whoever hears the commotion in the living room, and runs out of the bedroom with a handgun. She fires several shots, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG! Of course, she misses the running around naked guy. If you can’t hit a running around naked guy, in your living room, at near point blank range, you may want to reconsider owning a hand gun. All she succeeded in doing, was making holes in their nice living room walls.
OK, Here’s the point where we move from the totally absurd, into the realm of the truly bizarre. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Consider yourself warned. If you are squeamish stop reading right now!
This strange guy, evidently, has many super hero like talents. Aside from jumping from the roof, naked, and unharmed, he is also able to dodge speeding bullets, at near point blank range. The near miss from the bullets must have had some effect on running around naked guy, as he proceeded to take a sh-t on the living room floor, literally. (This was discovered after Sheriff’s Deputies arrived). About this time you manage to call 911, and proceed to tell the 911 operator all about how a naked guy ran into your home, and is wrecking havoc. Thank God! Law Enforcement is on the way. Could things get any worse?
About this time running around naked guy starts masturbating in the living room, that’s right, he was spanking the monkey, choking the chicken, right there in the living room. He left a nice sample of, Ah, Um, Um, lets just say, he left a sample of bodily fluid, or DNA, right there on the living room floor.
I think it was very thoughtful of running around naked guy to leave a couple of different types of shall we say, DNA samples, so Law Enforcement could make an easy case against him. Naked running around guy then proceeded to run into your sons bedroom and proceed to rub some of the kids clothing on his face.
About this time, running around naked guy proceeds to take another s–t, that’s right, he defecates again, right on the kid’s bedroom floor. Talk about someone being full of s–t. Evidently, this must be another one of naked running around guy’s super powers, some sort of biological weapon. At some point during the excitement, naked running around guy, apparently sucked up the contents of the vacuum cleaner, and proceeded to spit it back out. I have no idea, what this super power would be useful for, unless it is some sort of defense mechanism to temporally blind your opponents.
When Sheriffs Deputies finally arrive, naked running around guy was flailing around, and talking nonsense. The Deputies, finally got naked running around guy, subdued, and in custody. He was transported to a local hospital where Doctor’s reportedly said, they were going to run tests, to find out what running around naked guy, was on. Ya, Think! That would probably be an outstanding idea. Those Doctors are really smart, I tell you.
Naked running around guy, was ultimately arrested, and charged with criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary, and resisting arrest without violence.
As it turns out, naked running around guy was a carnival worker. I have no idea if this has any relevance, or not, I am just relaying the facts.
If your heads ready to explode, or already has, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s think about this for a minute. This naked carnival worker managed to do all this in a very short period of time.
- Somehow, got onto the roof, naked. Maybe he levitated up there.
- Jumped off the roof, and landed right on you, and was some how not even injured.
- Ran into your house, ripped down down the flat screen TV off the wall.
- Flung the contents of a vacuum all over the floor.
- Dodged speeding bullets fired at near point blank range.
- Masturbated in the living room.
- Rubbed clothes on his face in the kid’s room.
- Defecated (sh-t) on the floor in the living room and the kid’s room.
- Drank the contents of the vacuum, and spit it back out.
At this point I usually try to give you guys an “Important Safety Tip”, so you can prevent this from ever happening to you. Honestly, even though I am, Tom Dye The Safety Guy, I am at a complete loss for words. I don’t have the slightest idea what advice I could give. Even I, would be stunned into total disbelief. Let’s just hope that this is some sort of isolated incident, and doesn’t become a nationwide trend.
As always,
I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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Naked Burglar Arrested in Florida Looking For Sesame Seeds!
By Tom Dye
On January 13, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida
Naked Burglar Arrested in Florida Looking For Sesame Seeds!
This story really resonates with me. Not just because I live in Florida, Normally that would be more than enough. As an extra bonus, this guy was also arrested in the same city where I work.
Considering that Largo, Florida where this sad story occurred is 65 miles from the city where I live, by my rough calculations, this is a cool 100 extra bonus points. Believe me, I keep track of this sort of thing.
Of course, this incident happened in a trailer park, which is exactly what you would expect from trailer park trash. It all started with one Martin Henderson, 48, of Largo, Florida.
Martin Henderson
As you can tell by the photo above, our anti-hero, and trailer trash burglar, is a fine upstanding human being. Personally, I think he looks a lot like Howard Stern, no offense to Mr. Stern. I was just making an observation. Please don’t sue me.
Mr. Henderson was Sitting around all day long in the ol’ trailer smoking synthetic marijuana. Evidently, this behavior starts to take its toll. I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
Evidently, and this is pure speculation on my part. Sitting around the ol’ trailer park smoking synthetic marijuana all day makes you very hungry. Mr. Martin Henderson decides that a delicious hamburger would be just the thing.
A delicious hamburger would be on the top of my list of food to satisfy my cravings for a delicious dinner. I mean unless you are a vegan, this would be on the top of everyone’s list right? Sorry, My vegan friends, personally tofu just doesn’t cut it for me.
Anyway, our anti-hero, Mr. Martin Henderson makes his delicious hamburger and suddenly discovers that he doesn’t have any sesame seeds for his hamburger bun. This seems a little strange because I usually buy my hamburger buns with the sesame seeds included. I never even considered that I could add sesame seeds, after the fact. Who knew?
So, our anti-hero, Martin Henderson upon discovering that he was missing a key ingredient of his delicious hamburger, sesame seeds; decided upon a mission to rectify this major culinary oversight.
Mr. Henderson somehow became convinced that his neighbors in the trailer behind him were hoarding his coveted sesame seeds. So he hatched his plan to acquire what he so desired. It was actually much more than that, he absolutely had to have them. By now, he was obsessed.
Mr. Henderson’s plan was simple, and genius in its sheer simplicity. Nothing could possibly go wrong. The sesame seeds were as good as his.
Our anti-hero, striped off all of his clothes, which is a requirement for a successful sesame seed caper, grabbed a butter knife and was out the door. It took only a couple of minutes to jimmy the neighbor’s front door on their trailer, and he was finally inside looking for his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger that was patiently waiting for the final delicious ingredient.
Mr. Henderson proceeded to rifle the kitchen looking for his coveted sesame seeds. Our sesame seed burglar looked everywhere, he was absolutely certain that they were in there somewhere. He looked high and he looked low. He looked in every cabinet and nook and cranny until…… he opened the very last cupboard.
There on the second shelf near the back was a golden glow, as our sesame seed burglar pulled out items from the front, flour, sugar, brown sugar, and more. The glow became brighter and brighter until it was so bright it was almost blinding, it was like looking directly into the face of God. Hallelujah! Our sesame seed burglar slowly reached for his elusive prize. When….
William Loland, the owner of the trailer in question, and rightful owner of said sesame seeds was previously sound asleep with his girlfriend until being rudely awakened by all the commotion in his kitchen and decided to get up and investigate.
Per Mr. Loland’s testimony to the Police, he was awakened by a commotion in his kitchen. Mr, Loland being a cautious man, crept from his bedroom and peered into the kitchen. The only light was from a night-light in the kitchen, and of course, the golden blinding light emanating from one of his kitchen cabinets.
According to Mr. Loland, and this is a direct quote, “I thought it was a woman because he had long hair, and he was all nude. I thought it was a woman because he had a pot belly,”
WTF! Mr. Loland thought that this was a woman in his kitchen because he was naked, had long hair and had a pot belly? Evidently, our hapless sesame seed burglar also has a penis so small that he is easily mistaken for a woman even while naked. By Mr. Loland’s standards, the sesame seed burglar’s long hair and his pot belly, was definitely a tell-tale sign that he was in fact, a woman.
It would seem to me that the sesame seed burglar has a lot more problems than just needing his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger.
Mr. Loland further stated, “I grabbed him by his neck, and I escorted him towards the door,” Loland said. “He was still naked. I said, ‘You’re lucky I don’t knock you out.’ He said, ‘I don’t think you can.’ So that’s when I hit him. That’s when I hit him twice.”
911 was called, and our micro penis, pot-bellied, sesame seed burglar, was arrested soon thereafter.
And that’s how we do things here in Florida.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is a news commentary and is a work of original satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
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