PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Tales of the Absurd

Drunk Woman With No Pants Drove Toy Truck!

Drunk Woman With No Pants Drove Toy Truck!

For once, an incident so absurd, it was even too bizarre for the Great Weird State of Florida. This story was inspired by events that occurred in the State of Arkansas. Not to worry, I am sure that she will be moving to Florida as soon as she can.

Just after 5:30 p.m. Sunday, Law Enforcement was called to the scene of a horrific accident.  According to a witness, a 29-year-old woman was traveling at a “high rate of speed” when her 2001 Pontiac Grand Am, rounded a corner at a high rate of speed, lost control of her vehicle and slammed into the under panel of his trailer.

Thank God! this dude was not inside his ol’ trailer at the time, it must have felt like a bomb going off. I am still imagining what it was like when in an instant all of his guy’s meager possessions were suddenly hurled at great speed in a direction opposite the impact.

Everything he owned would end up in a great big heap at the opposite end of the trailer. Maybe he should consider bolting down his 2nd hand recliner and installing seat belts, just to be on the safe side.

Here’s where  it gets really good. You better sit down, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt from laughing so hard, that you start crying and trip over your shoelaces or something. OK, ready…

Witnesses say the dumb a-s drunk woman got out her car, and she was not wearing any pants. Seriously, she was only wearing a white sweatshirt and no pants or shoes. I am pretty sure that there is a really good back story for that as well, but I just can’t imagine what it was. Maybe she lost them from the impact of slamming into the trailer.

So, what doe’s this half-naked, drunk woman, do next? She jumps out of her car and jumps into a young boy’s Fisher-Price Power Wheels truck, and began trying to drive it away.

Have you guys ever seen one of these things? The Fisher-Price Power Wheels Truck has a top speed of 3.5 mph on or off-road (that would be sidewalks, driveways, and grass) in both forward and reverse.   They are just a riding toy designed for ages 3 and up. In case you haven’t seen one,  These things sell new for close to $400.00. I wish they had these when I was a kid, they look pretty sweet. Here’s a picture.

Fisher-Price Power Wheels Truck

Being that this half-naked, drunk, halfwit evidently doesn’t even have the intelligence of a three-year-old. The half-naked drunk woman couldn’t even figure out how to start the child’s electric Fisher-Price Power Wheels Truck.

Eventually, the guy with the damaged trailer and his father walked over and made her get out.

I suppose they just reached down to the stupid a-s half-naked drunk squeezed into the kid’s toy and pulled her out of it. Or maybe she leaned over too far and the toy tipped over sideways and she crawled out of it. More on this later on in the story. Either way, this was the stupidest getaway car I could ever imagine.

Imagine this….Let’s just say that she did manage to start it and tried high-tail it out of there before the Police arrived. Remember the top speed of this vehicle (with a small child in it) is only 3.5 miles per hour top speed with a full battery charge. By using my trusty SWAG theory, I can estimate that the top speed with a full-grown adult would be about 1-2 miles per hour maximum.

Where the f–k are you going to escape to at two miles per hour? Remember a healthy adult can approach speeds of 5 miles per hour at a fast walk.  I really wish she was able to get the little tykes Power Wheel Truck started and hit the road with it. This would have been awesome. Can you picture it? This would have been the ultimate slow speed chase.

This would have been way better than OJ Simpson’s slow-speed chase through Los Angeles, California. I can just envision a whole line of Police cruisers, “real” Police cars, not toy Police cars, lights flashing, sirens blaring, in a long convoy, chasing this half-naked, drunk woman, driving a toy Fisher Price “Power Wheels Truck”, traveling at less than two miles an hour, in a futile attempt, to get the half-naked, drunk nit-wit, to pull over and surrender.

The Cop’s wouldn’t even have to use stop sticks, they would just eventually get bored and hop out of their Police cars and casually stroll up to her and shut off the toy vehicle. The only thing that could make this better is the local NEWS helicopter flying overhead and showing the entire drama, live as it unfolded.

All good things have to end. The property owner told the police he grabbed his children and took them to his parent’s house some distance away.  When he came back the half-naked, drunk woman  was still in the toy truck “trying to drive it away.

Evidently, she didn’t get too far. After the property owner and his father made her get out of the truck, the man told police she began yelling and just turned around and walked home, to her mother’s house.

It didn’t take long for the Police to catch up with the drunk half-naked woman at her mother’s house. After all the Cops were driving “real” high-performance Police Cruisers and not toy cars. They say she was also “irate and very intoxicated.” A Police Officer tried to administer a portable breathalyzer test to the drunk woman.  “Because she could barely stand,” he and another Officer had to hold her shoulders “so that she would not fall over.” The report did not state if she was wearing pants again by the time the Police arrived at the scene.

The Police reported that she had a blood alcohol level of .217 blood alcohol content, which is nearly three times the legal limit. No wonder she couldn’t figure out how to start the Fisher Price Power Wheels Truck. During the investigation, the Cop reported that the drunk suspect “started to yell and scream.”  She continued to scream after she was placed into custody and began to kick the door of his police car, he reported.

The overly drunk woman “continued to be very disorderly and uncooperative” once she arrived at the county jail, according to the Police report. The dumb a-s drunk woman was left at the jail in lieu of $2,067 surety bond. I guess even her mother was too embarrassed to come get her, as this was by far the stupidest crime ever reported in the entire country.

Just for fun, she was also charged with public intoxication, refusal to submit, disorderly conduct, leaving the scene of an accident with property damage and driving while license canceled, suspended or revoked.

I assume, none of these charges included attempting to drive a child’s Fisher-Price Power Wheels Toy Truck while drunk and with a suspended or revoked license. I would have thought they would have at least charged her with attempted grand theft toy auto.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted. If you enjoy this blog,  Please tell your friends, family, and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

Man Gets Ticket After Getting Run Over By Own Truck

Man Gets Ticket After Getting Run Over By Own Truck. Yes, you read that correctly, this man was actually run over, by his own pickup truck. No, he wasn’t a passenger, or even standing behind it while it somehow slipped into reverse. He was driving his pickup truck at the time of the incident.

To add insult to his injuries, he was issued a traffic citation, for operating a motor vehicle with defective equipment. Now, this was certainly absurd enough, and I could have stopped here. But, you would have missed out on the best part.

Here’s where the story gets really interesting. Evidently, this guy was driving down a small hill when the brakes failed. This would certainly be a serious enough problem for anyone. So, what’s this guy do?

Wait for it… He opens his drivers door, and sticks his foot out in an attempt to stop the runaway truck. I am not making this part up, I swear. This guy actually believed that he could successfully stop a 3,000 pound vehicle, with no brakes, speeding down hill, simply by jamming his foot down against the pavement. This guy must have been watching way too many cartoons or something.

Lets take a look at this from a SWAG perspective shall we? For those of you who have read some of my other stories, you will already know that a SWAG is an acronym for: Scientific Wild Ass Guess. This is very different from the highly inaccurate; WAG,  another acronym for: Wild Ass Guess, which literally means a wild guess. Usually a WAG has no basis in fact. I always try to take the more scientific type approach whenever possible.

There are simple laws of physics, as well as material science issues, all working against him, for this to be a practical solution. First of all, his leg cannot possibly exert enough force to stop a vehicle, that is accelerating downhill.  An object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless enough force is applied to counter this effect. This is especially true for a vehicle traveling down hill, and accelerating under the full force of gravity.

Secondly, there are basic material science issues involved. What the hell did he think the soles of his sneakers, boots, flip flops, or whatever were made out of? I can assure you the materials (either natural or man made materials) that the soles of his shoes are made of, are not, and would not be designed to withstand this type of punishment. If they were,  the soles of  your shoes would not wear out in only a few short months.
Think about it.

Furthermore, there is a little thing called friction that comes into play at this point.

The dictionary defines friction as:

1. a resistance encountered when one body moves relative to another body with which it is in contact
2. the act, effect, or an instance of rubbing one object against another

Doe’s anyone remember from school what the most obvious effect of friction is? That’s right, Heat!
Talk about getting a hot foot as the sole of his shoe begins melting off his foot, while he was still wearing it. Actually, if you were in a car following this guy, it might have been pretty funny watching these antics. I wonder if his shoe started smoking while he was trying to jam it into the pavement? Did it smell like burning rubber?

After getting a quick practical lesson in applied physics, and material science,
this half wit decides is only option is to purposely crash his truck, by driving up an embankment. Remember we spoke of gravity earlier? The truck will ultimately start back down the hill, as soon as it loses all forward momentum. Ultimately, he fell out of the truck. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter started rolling back down the hill, and proceeded to roll over his leg while he was still laying on the ground. I assume, his previous action of opening the door to stick his foot out in his misguided attempt to stop the moving truck would partially explain his falling out of the truck. Of course, he obviously was not wearing a seat belt either, or he could not have so ungracefully exited the vehicle.

We will get to some very important safety tips in a minute. These important safety tips may just save your life, or the life of a loved one someday day, so please bear with me.

So, while we are waiting for the important safety tips to come around, I have a “true story” I want to tell you, about someone, I actually knew, that was injured by his own vehicle running over him.

When I was a teenager about 16 or so, I had a friend named Aaron. Aaron was one of the only kids in my circle of friends that had received a car on his 16th birthday.
So, needless to say Aaron was one of the go to guys whenever any of us needed a ride somewhere. I don’t have to tell that he was a pretty popular guy.

Aaron’s car was a Datsun B-210 hatchback. For those of you who don’t know, Datsun was the original name of Nissan. I think they changed their name, sometime in the 1980’s.

Anyway, Aaron had the most absurd automobile accident that I have ever heard of, then or now. This story was told to me, by Aaron himself, from his hospital bed a few weeks after the horrific accident.

Apparently, as Aaron told the story, he was driving along a road, one of those roads that was cut between two hills. You know the kind, something like 60 degree slopes on either side of a two lane road. Aaron was smoking a cigarette, of course this meant that he was totally cool. This was long before cigarettes became such an uncool activity. Smoking cigarettes was also very convenient for those who smoked pot, as they helped mask the very distinctive odor. Anyway, I don’t remember if Aaron was high on pot at the time, but I assume he was.

Evidently, Aaron was smoking a cigarette in the car as he was driving home. Somehow he accidentally dropped his cigarette on the floor, in the space between the drivers seat, and the door. Not wanting to start a fire, or burn a hole in the carpet, Aaron opened the drivers door, to reach down and grab the cigarette. Keep in mind that he was driving at least 55-60 miles per hour at the time.

As Aaron opened the door, he looked down to see exactly where the cigarette had fallen. Somehow as he was feeling around for the cigarette, he evidently leaned over too far, lost his balance, and started to fall out of the car. You’re probably asking yourself, why wasn’t he wearing a seat belt? This was in the mid-seventies and seat belt usage was nowhere near as common as it is today. Anyway, as far as anyone could figure out, as Aaron started to fall out of the car he somehow pulled the steering wheel hard to the left. This action started the car heading directly towards the hill on the left side of the road. Aaron did actually fall out of the car at this point, and he tumbled onto the road.  This is how he was initially injured.

The car, now driver less, left the roadway and proceeded to travel up the embankment, just narrowly missing Arron laying in the middle of the road. The car traveled for a ways up the embankment, still turning generally to the left, turning towards the opposite direction from which the car was originally was heading.

About this time, according to Aaron,  he was thinking to himself that he was actually pretty lucky, as things could have been much worse. Just about that time, it did get worse, much worse in fact.

The car continued up the hill about a half to three quarters of the way up the hill.
The car reached it’s tipping point, and flipped over on it’s side, and started rolling back down the hill. The car was now rolling down the hill, directly towards Aaron, who was still lying injured, and helpless in the middle of the road. You have to remember that only a few seconds had past since Aaron fell out of the car.

This is where the story gets really bizarre. The car rolled down the hill side and proceeded to roll directly over Aaron, still lying in the middle of the road.
Aaron sustained even more injuries due to his own car rolling over him. The car continued rolling across the road, and rolled partially up the hill on the other side of the road.

The car continued to roll up the hill on the opposite side of the road, until it expended all of it’s forward momentum, and then… the unthinkable happened, you will never guess what happened next, Yep, you got it, his own car rolled over him again, and finally came to a rest upside down not far from where he was still lying in the middle of the road.

Aaron, by now, was severely injured, having broken almost every major bone in his body, all because his own car rolled over him, not once, but twice. As luck would have it another car came along shortly thereafter. One person stayed behind, while the other drove to find a pay phone (there were no cell phones back then) and called an ambulance.

Aaron spent something like four or five months in the hospital recovering, before he was cleared to go home. Many more months went by, which included lots of physical therapy, before Aaron pretty much recovered. Aaron was still not driving again, for the rest of the time that I stayed in contact with him. I highly doubt that his parents let him sit behind the wheel of an automobile for a very, very long time.

OK, I promised you some Important Safety Tips that will prevent either one of these type tragic accidents from happening to you. You may want to get a pen and write these down, as these are really important. Don’t worry, I can wait. Go and get your pen and paper now.

Your back already? Good. Here we go…..

No. 1 – Always wear a seat belt, no matter what, believe me your clothes getting a little wrinkled is a very, very small price to pay for safety, verses having your own car roll over you, possibly even more then once.

No.2 – If the breaks go out on your car. Do Not Panic! You still have plenty of options that you can use to stop the car safely. First try pulling, or depressing the emergency brake, thus it’s name. The emergency brake is a separate system designed to engage the rear brakes, by a cable system, bypassing the master brake cylinder. Press or pull the emergency brake slowly until the car comes to a complete stop.

Another thing you can do, and you can even do this at the same time as engaging the emergency brake. Turn off the ignition. The steering wheel will not lock while the car is in gear. This is another safety system built into all modern cars. The torque of the engine will slow down and stop the car fairly quickly.

No.3 – Do not ever attempt to put your foot down outside the car and expect it to stop. Trust me there is no material known today that is used for the soles of shoes that will actually survive long enough to stop your car. Not even your very expensive Italian shoes. We already discussed general physics and material science.

No. 4 – Crashing your car on purpose is the absolute last resort. Believe me, when your air bags go off, this is a serious event, and generally disables your car, as well as causing other issues. Besides, then you open yourself up to getting a citation for driving a vehicle with unsafe safety equipment. Besides, at this point you have enough problems without having to deal with a traffic citation as well. Not to mention the insurance hassles, from causing property damage.

No.5 – In the event of a total brake failure, which by the way, is highly unlikely.
Once you have the car successfully stopped, and safely off the road. Do not attempt to drive it anywhere, no matter how short the distance. Call a tow truck, and get the brakes fixed right away. It will be the best money you ever spent.

No.6 – Whatever you do, do not ever, and I  mean never, open the drivers door to reach for anything, while the car is in motion. It doesn’t matter what it is, pull over to the side of the road, and come to a complete stop. Put the car in park, or if you have a vehicle with a manual transmission, shift the car to neutral, and set the emergency brake.
Believe me when I say that the few seconds longer this would take, is far better then falling out of the car, even if it car doesn’t roll over you.

Once you finish writing all these important safety tips down, remember them, know exactly what to do, and insist your loved ones do the same. These 6 important safety tips may one day save your life, or the life of one of your loved ones.

No, no, seriously, your thanks, and eternal gratitude, are not necessary. Cash donations, or naming your next child after me will suffice.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.Your support is genuinely appreciated.

Woman And Her Haunted Toaster Make For The Greatest Interview In Television History’?

Woman And Her Haunted Toaster Make For The Greatest Interview In Television History!  

Why the hell didn’t anyone ever tell me about the existence of this video before?  I really can’t believe I didn’t know about this. Thank’s guy’s, for keeping something so important like this, secret for 28 years. Well, the secrets out now.

Here’s what I strongly suggest, no I insist, go ahead and watch the video, go ahead do it now, I can wait, it’s only a little over a minute long. Trust me, this video will change your life forever. After your done watching we can discuss this in far more detail…(Don’t worry the video opens in a new window so you won’t lose your place).

Your done? …….See, I was right wasn’t I, well I told you so.

This is f–king terrifying! A haunted toaster! For the love of God, when is this sort of stuff gonna stop. How do you defend yourself against a haunted toaster, anyway?

Once again I am going to rely on the SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess) and my own expertise as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, to assist you in surviving this onslaught of demonically possessed appliances. I am going to focus on possessed toasters in this article, however, the techniques are the same for most possessed household appliances.

I highly recommend that you take notes as this information may one day save your life or the life of a loved one.

Before I begin…For those of you who belong to the Catholic faith, I know exactly what you are thinking. You’re  sitting there smugly, in front of your computer, thinking to yourself, no big deal. I know full well that the Catholic church is the world renown expert on demonic possession. I can just call my local Priest, and he will just drop everything, and run right over, and perform an exorcism. Sorry, to burst your bubble, but You are wrong.

The Catholic church certainly knows more about demonic possession than anyone else on the entire planet. However, the Catholic church only performs exorcisms on people, and then only under extraordinary circumstances. If you don’t believe me go ahead and call your local Priest, call the Vatican for that matter. Once you tell them that your Toast-O-Matic is possessed by a demon, they won’t believe you.

Even if the church did somehow believe you, after all your crying and babbling incoherently from the sheer terror of it all, they would just tell you to get rid of your possessed toaster and be done with it. This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

You certainly wouldn’t ever discard toaster that makes really good toast, now would you!

Don’t panic! I am going to show some useful and practical ways for you to learn to live in harmony with your little toaster demon.

How do you know if you have a haunted appliance? Of course, knowing your enemy is the first step in protecting yourself.  Evidently, according to the woman in the video, at least where demonically possessed toasters are concerned, your toaster will start speaking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach.

For those of you who don’t know who Eli Wallach is, there is going to be some homework.
It is absolutely critical that you know this voice. Go out and get a copy of the movie “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”. This is a great old Clint Eastwood film (don’t worry this was made decades before he went crazy, and started having conversations with empty chairs).

Anyway, Eli Wallach is an actor and is one of the three main characters in the movie. Eli Wallach played the part of Tuco Ramirez (The Ugly). He has a very distinctive voice.  Know this voice, and know it well.  Your life and sanity may depend upon it.

Note: I don’t have any information that all haunted appliances sound like Eli Wallach, or if it’s unique to toasters. Maybe some of my readers have more insight on this. If so, please leave a comment at the bottom of the page, and let the rest of us know.

The next clue that your toaster may be demonically possessed, (as if speaking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach, and telling you “I am the Devil” isn’t enough) your toaster starts spitting out perfect toast,  nothing special about that except this toast has the words ‘Satan Lives” carved into it.

I know in the video this was not done in front of the cameras, and it looks like the words on the toast were carved with the tip of a butter knife. We all now that if it is on the internet, or on TV it has to be true right?  This is especially true if the video on the internet was originally broadcast on TV, from the “Today Show” to be precise.

One thing I was wondering about, is it safe to eat the satanic toast that your demonically possessed toaster spit out with the words “Satan Lives” carved into it? I have determined that it is perfectly safe. You might even find that it holds the butter a little better than regular toast.

Lastly, according to the woman in the video, “When all is said and done”  your demonically possessed toaster still makes good toast.  Obviously, a toaster that failed to perform it’s primary function of making really good toast, could not be demonically possessed.

So, after everything we learned above, if your toaster exhibits any, or all, of those behaviors, it is very likely demonically possessed. So, what do we do about it? By utilizing the SWAG theory we can do a number of things to protect ourselves, and have our perfect toast too.

First of all, stop and take a deep breath! You can deal with this! Even if your toaster is possessed it is still only a toaster. It does not have legs and is pretty much confined to an area equal to the length of the cord. Thank God, toasters have really short power cords.

Important Safety Tip: You may want to purchase a fire extinguisher, and make sure the toaster is not placed under any low-hanging wood cabinets or anything else combustible. As you saw in the video, demonically possessed toasters have a tendency to spout flames periodically.  Remember, Safety First.

Secondly, Keep your demonically possessed toaster unplugged when not in use.
I am not sure that this would stop it talking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach, but I am certain that it would eliminate the unexpected flames.

Lastly, and this one is strictly my own theory, and it is not backed up by any sort of empirical evidence or direct observations. Just follow my logic for a moment.

What if this demon did something to really, really, piss off Satan. Seriously, why wouldn’t this demon be out possessing some peasant girl or right wing nut politician? Maybe the demon is just really cranky because it is doomed to possess a common toaster. I can just imagine all the other demons laughing at these guys trapped inside toasters. Seriously, if you were a demon how would you feel?

So, by using that logic, maybe you should include your demonically possessed toaster in some of your families regular activities. I don’t mean things like taking your toaster for a ride in your car, or taking it to work with you, that may be a little weird, although, you could try. Let me know how that works out for you!

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of family activities like watching a movie together. Hey, try inviting your demonically possessed toaster into the living room to watch “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” with you, and the rest of the family.

This might be the start of a whole new friendship between you, and your demon toaster. Think about it, your toaster already sounds like Eli Wallach anyway. Maybe, just maybe, your toaster will learn some new lines. This would be really entertaining for when you have dinner parties, etc.

How about including your demonically possessed toaster in other family activities like watching TV, Monopoly, card games, music (just not heavy metal), you could even read it a story.

The last, and most important piece of advice I can give you, is to show your little toaster demon some respect. Talk to it, tell the toaster demon how much you appreciate it working hard to make you the perfect piece of toast every time.

It might even be a good idea to give your toaster a hug. (Just remember to make sure it is unplugged, remember the unexpected shooting flames. I wouldn’t want anyone to be injured).

Essentially, You have to learn to embrace and control the inner demon. Only then, can you learn to live together, in peace and harmony.

If you have any stories about haunted appliances. I’m sure that all the rest of my readers would really like to hear about it. I know I certainly would. Use the comment box below.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
 

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