Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend
Note to my readers: I was having a bout of writer’s block for a few days when suddenly this headline popped up and snapped me right out of it. I’m back now!
The story you are about to read is true, the names have not been changed to protect the dumbasses involved, This is their story.
Jacksonville, Florida. – Police received a 911 call from 25-year-old, Brian Murphy around 11:05 p.m. Murphy reported that his dog had just shot his girlfriend.
I am going to just let that sink in for just a moment. It’s O.K. I can wait. (I am going to imagine the theme music on the game show Jeopardy when the contestants are writing down their answers down during the final jeopardy round).
O.K. times up. At 11:05 P.M. Jacksonville, Police responded to a home where a shooting had just occurred. Brian Murphy answered the door and reported that his girlfriend, one Summer Miracle (Yes, that is her real name) had just been accidentally shot in the leg by their dog, Diesel while she was asleep in bed.
Seriously, so far, The Jacksonville Police are actually believing this story. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.
Let’s look at the fact’s as we know them so far, and then you can be the judge.
Upon arriving at the scene of the crime, Brian Murphy told the responding officers that he and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, were sleeping, when Diesel, the dog woke him up wanting to go outside.
When Diesel and Murphy went back into the house, the dog led the way into the bedroom, he said, according to First Coast News and multiple other news sources.
Brian Murphy reported that he then saw a flash and heard a bang. He told police he thinks Diesel the dog, jumped up on a nightstand, somehow, causing a gun on it to fire. The bullet from Murphy’s gun hit Summer Miracle in the leg. Murphy told police he covered Miracle’s wound with a towel before calling 911.
Seriously??? This is the only story he can come up with, a modified version of the tried and true, totally unbelievable, the dog ate my homework excuse?
Also, what dumbass keeps a loaded gun on the nightstand with the barrel facing towards them?
Let’s look at the facts as I see them, of course, since this is my story, these truths, are the only ones that count.
First of all, I have previously written about how various wild animals are beginning to turn on us, especially squirrels, crabs, etc. but not dogs. No, never man’s best friend, the faithful and beloved dog. Man’s best friend would have to have a really good reason to turn upon him or a loved one.
I have a dog, his name is Homer. He has never, ever, tried to kill me, not with a gun or any other type of weapon of mass destruction. Sure, he periodically gets mad at me and pees or craps in the house, he steals food, or shreds paper towels, to try and annoy me sure, but to actually try and kill me, I think not at least not yet.
So, here’s a 25-year-old guy who for whatever reason goe’s to bed stupidly early and suddenly gets woken up from a dead sleep, because his dog, Diesel needs to go outside. This very fact alone should raise red flags.
Seriously, what 25-year-old guy goes to bed before 11:00 P.M. anyway. Hell, when I was 25, I specialised in 4-5 hours of sleep, per night, in between working full time, and partying late into the evenings. Not that I could do that now, Oh No!, but it was fun while it lasted.
So, Brian (and I will refer to him by his first name since he isn’t here to defend himself) wakes up because Diesel the dog want’s to go outside. (Now, mind you by the photos I saw on-line, Diesel the dog >looks like a purebred Rottweiler which is a really large breed of dog).
Brian get’s up out of bed and takes Diesel the dog outside, so Diesel can do his business. Upon completion of his dog duties, Diesel the dog comes ru back inside and “precedes” Brian into the bedroom. According to Brian, he then saw a flash and heard a bang before he could even get to the bedroom himself.
According to Brian, he thinks that diesel the dog jumped onto the nightstand where his gun was sitting and accidently fired the gun, striking his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, in the right leg.
But was it an accident? could Diesel the dog have actually decided to commit premeditated murder? Let’s explore that possibility.
Diesel the dog’s plan was brilliant in its sheer simplicity, Diesel the dog, woke up Brian on the false pretence that he needed to go outside to do what dogs do, then quickly do his business and rush back into the bedroom, jump up on the night table and fire the loaded handgun that Brian had so carelessly left there. The plan was perfect, except for the fact that Summer Miracle did not die, she was only wounded.So, evidently, Diesel the dog being unhappy that Summer Miracle was taking up the space that Diesel the dog felt was rightfully his, decided there was only one course of action. Diesel determined that the only rational course of action was to kill Summer Miracle, so he could rightfully reclaim his rightful place on the bed. Sounds perfectly reasonable right?
This sounds like a perfectly logical line of reasoning right? Are you kidding me? I don’t fucking think so.
What are the chances that an 80-100 pound dog would contemplate premeditated murder and somehow manage to stick his over-sized paws into the trigger guard, aim the weapon, and fire the gun, in an attempt to kill Summer Miracle? Any statisticians out there help me out, will you? the odds have to be astronomical right? Or are they?
Summer Miracle, claims that she was sound asleep, and has now idea how she was shot. Besides, Diesel the dog has never, ever, exhibited any sort of homicidal tendencies prior to that fateful night.
So, the facts as we know them are, Brian left a loaded handgun on the night table barrel facing towards the bed…. Check!
Brian, a healthy 25-year-old male, and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle were both sound asleep some time considerably prior to 11:05 P.M. ….Check!
The news reports made no mention if the Police inquired if drugs or alcohol was consumed by either Brian, Summer, or Diesel, the dog prior to the shooting incident…Check!
So let’s recap the three possibilities presented to us for how this crime was committed.
- Brian feeling trapped in a bad relationship felt compelled to kill Summer Miracle. Brian got Diesel the dog out of the house to avoid any eyewitnesses, made his way back the bedroom in the dark and shot Summer in an attempt to make it look like Diesel the dog did it. The only reason Summer Miracle is alive today is either she moved in her sleep while Brian was letting Diesel the dog out, it was dark, and quite possibly Brian is a really piss poor shot. It could also be a combination of the above.
- The other possible scenario is that Diesel the dog is a killer and actually tried to murder Summer Miracle. After all, dogs are very smart and very sneaky. It’s possible that Diesel the dog was harbouring a deep-seated resentment of Summer Miracle because Summer had displaced Diesel’s usual spot on the bed. Diesel having been relegated to the cold hard floor at night hatched a plan to get rid of Summer Miracle once and for all. After having studied the gun and how to fire it, Diesel hatched his plan to pretend to have to go outside, race into the bedroom ahead of brian, shoot Summer Miracle. Obviously, everyone would think it was just a tragic accident and nobody would be the wiser. However, the plan failed.
- Or, Brians story that this was strictly a freak accident, and Diesel the dog did, in fact, jump up on the nightstand and accidently shoot Summer Miracle
All three scenarios are possible, so I leave it up to you to decide for yourselves.
If you wish to weigh in on any of the scenarios or propose your own
Let me know, and I will add it so we can all debate it together.
In the meantime, I would suggest that if you have a dog, you may want to keep all loaded firearms or other potential weapons locked up just in case. You can never be too safe.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and news commentary loosely, O.K. very loosely based on actual events.
Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt
By Tom Dye
On February 4, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd
Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!
This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.
Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;
Leston Lawrence
Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.
The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.
Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team, After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.
Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.
The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.
This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.
Let’s recap our story so far:
The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015. noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.
The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.
As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.
Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.
It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.
The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.
The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.
It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.
Al Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
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