PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Tales of the Absurd Page 28 of 32

Landlord’s Bizarre Excuse For Hiding Dead Body For Days

Landlord’s Bizarre Excuse For Hiding Dead Body For Days.  A pub landlord hid the body of a dead customer for four days so he would not miss the busy weekend trade.The pub/hotel owner found the body of a pub regular dead (from alcohol poisoning) in the men’s toilets on a Friday night at his pub, in South Wales.(UK)

OK, I am going to try to look at this from a point of view of someone who obviously does not suffer from the ravages of intelligence. So, let’s examine this gentlemen’s thought processes and motivation. Business has been slow, It’s Friday night, at closing he discovers the body of a regular customer in the men’s room. Now I think this would suck on any level, not only has one of your regulars died, he died inside your establishment. Keep in mind he has done nothing wrong, so far. He’s thinking that if he report’s it right away, the cops will come around and investigate. (You know how pesky those cops can be.) This could have a serious impact on his weekend business, which he seriously needs. This is a real moral and financial conundrum.

The pub owner get’s this bright idea to hide the body till Tuesday, so he gets his weekend business, then he can call the cops, and tell them he just found the dead guy. No harm, no foul. The guy is already dead. (The article never did explain why he couldn’t call the cops on Monday, Hmm.) (mistake No.1)

So what’s he to do? He’s got a great plan, He actually asks the bouncer to help move the body, the bouncer for some odd reason refuses.  (mistake No. 2)

Finally, he asks a maid to help him move the body to one of the rooms, she apparently agrees, and assists him with moving the body. (mistake No.3)

For the next four days, the pub owner deflects the inquiries and concerns of the dead guys friends and family who inquired about the dead guys whereabouts. The pub owner actually told these concerned friends and relatives, that he had spoken to the dead guy recently, and that he was OK.  Of course, he neglected to tell them that the guy had died, and was currently stashed in one of the rooms. (mistake No.4)

Well, apparently his half-baked plan began to fall apart (what a shocker!)  He doe’s call those pesky cops on Tuesday, and tells them he found the dead guy in one of the rooms, so far so good. I am pretty sure he showed adequate shock and dismay at finding the dead guy.

Well, all good things come to an end. On the very day of the dead guys funeral, the maid (remember the maid) had been having nightmares, and felt guilty for her part in moving the dead guys body. She immediately went to those pesky cops, and told them the whole sordid story.

Of course, those pesky cops, being cops and all, investigated further, and of course all  of the pub owners serious mistakes in his half-baked, stupid plan were uncovered with only minimal work by those same pesky cops. The pub owner was ultimately sentenced to 15 months in prison.

On a side note, if the pub owner had ever watched any of those CSI type crime dramas, he would have known that his entire plan was absurd.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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AK-47 Used During Argument About Rabbits

AK-47 Used During Argument About Rabbits. I am only going to concentrate on one part of this story. Bear with me for a moment, it will all become abundantly clear.

So, as the story goes, a man in Louisville, Kentucky, was sitting on his porch shooting rabbits and squirrels with an air gun that were burrowing into and eating his garden. According to Police, the man was not even shooting at the rabbits and squirrels, he was just firing near them to scare them.

The rabbit hunter’s neighbor, Rodney Wold, 64, didn’t care for his neighbor shooting towards rabbits and squirrels with an air gun or anything else for that matter. Mr. Wold, went into his house and loaded his trusty AK-47 assault rifle with nineteen rounds of ammunition and immediately came charging back out and pointed his AK-47 assault weapon at his neighbor and reportedly yelled; “If you want to hunt something, hunt men”. Seriously, I am not making this up.

Luckily, the Police arrived before anyone could get hurt and arrested Mr. Wold after finding his loaded AK-47 hidden under his mattress.

On the surface, this seems like a fairly minor disturbance between neighbors. Well, maybe the threatening your neighbor with an AK-47 is a little extreme. Now I am finally getting to the point of my story. What I want to do is show you a photo of Mr. Rodney Wold.

Rodney Wold

Rodney Wold

Seriously!!! Is this the kind of guy you want owning an AK-47 assault rifle? Obviously, Mr. Rodney Wold is competing to be the new poster child for an assault weapons ban.

I know, I know, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But come on, look at this guy!!! Specifically, look at his eyes.

I believe that the eyes are a window into the soul, so to speak. If you look at the eyes of some of the most notorious killers in the modern age you know exactly what I am talking about. Take a look at the following photos as they illustrate my point perfectly.

Ted Bundy

Ted Bundy

Theodore Robert “Ted” Bundy,  November 24, 1946 – January 24, 1989) was an American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper, and necrophile who assaulted and murdered numerous young women and girls during the 1970s and possibly earlier. After more than a decade of denials, he confessed shortly before his execution to 30 homicides committed in seven states between 1974 and 1978; the true total remains unknown, and could be much higher.

Bundy was regarded as handsome and charismatic by his young female victims, traits he exploited in winning their trust. He typically approached them in public places, feigning an injury or disability, or impersonating an authority figure, before overpowering and assaulting them at a more secluded location. He sometimes revisited his secondary crime scenes for hours at a time, grooming and performing sexual acts with the decomposing corpses until putrefaction and destruction by wild animals made further interaction impossible. He decapitated at least 12 victims and kept some of the severed heads in his apartment for a period of time as mementos. On a few occasions, he simply broke into dwellings in the dead of night and bludgeoned victims as they slept.

BTK Killer

BTK Killer

Dennis Lynn Rader (born March 9, 1945) is an American serial killer who murdered ten people in Sedgwick County (in and around Wichita, Kansas), between 1974 and 1991.

He is known as the BTK killer (or the BTK strangler). “BTK” stands for “Bind, Torture, Kill,” which was his infamous signature. He sent letters describing the details of the killings to police and to local news outlets during the period of time in which the murders took place.

After a long hiatus in the 1990s through early 2000s, Rader resumed sending letters in 2004, leading to his 2005 arrest and subsequent conviction. He is serving 10 consecutive life sentences at El Dorado Correctional Facility in Kansas, with an earliest possible release date of February 26, 2180.

Charles Manson

Charles Manson

Charles Milles Manson (born November 12, 1934) is an American criminal and musician who led what became known as the Manson Family, a quasi-commune that arose in California in the late 1960s. He was found guilty of conspiracy to commit the murders of Sharon Tate and Leno and Rosemary LaBianca carried out by members of the group at his instruction. He was convicted of the murders through the joint-responsibility rule, which makes each member of a conspiracy guilty of crimes his fellow conspirators commit in furtherance of the conspiracy’s objective.

Adam Lanza

Adam Lanza

On December 14, 2012, Adam Lanza, 20, fatally shot twenty children and six adult staff members in a mass murder at Sandy Hook Elementary School in the village of Sandy Hook in Newtown, Connecticut. Before driving to the school, Lanza had shot and killed his mother Nancy at their Newtown home. As first responders arrived, he committed suicide by shooting himself in the head.

The incident is the second deadliest mass shooting by a single person in American history.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying, nor implying, that Rodney Wold is a mass murderer. As a matter of fact Mr. Wald does not even have a criminal record at all. What I am saying is that he may be headed down the same road as the notorious mass murderers  pictured above. Seriously, look at his eyes!!!

Thankfully, Mr. Wold was arrested and the AK-47 assault weapon confiscated. (I assume the police confiscated the ammunition as well). Later on Judge Donald Armstrong reduced Mr. Wold’s bond from $5,000 full cash, allowing him out of jail on his own recognizance, but the Judge ordered him not to possess any weapons.  Rodney Wold is charged with first-degree wanton endangerment.

Maybe, just maybe, the Police somehow managed to stop a rampage before it could even begin. I mean how many people come out of their house with a loaded assault weapon point it at a neighbor and yell “If you want to hunt something, hunt men”. I know, I have never experienced anything like that before. As a matter of fact if I lived next door to anyone even remotely like Mr. Wold, I would move as far away as possible at the very first opportunity, preferably, quietly, in the middle of the night. At least, maybe I would have a few hours head start.

My point to this whole convoluted story is, if someone looks insane, most likely they are. Seriously, If you lived near someone who looked like Mr. Rodney Wold, would you feel comfortable knowing that they possessed, high-powered, high-capacity,  military style assault weapons? Think about it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Man Completely Fails At Chain Saw Attack

Man Completely Fails At Chain Saw Attack: Cops. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… Two next door neighbors get into an argument. One one guy pulls out a knife, and threatens to kill his neighbor.

Do I even need to mention that this extremely absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida. Of course it did.

Evidently, this entire absurd incident started because the knife/chainsaw wielding attacker, Mark Bates was mad at his neighbor. Get this, he was angry because the guy next door bought his brothers truck. I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Talk about anger management issues.

The guy with the knife, Mark Bates,  decides that a knife is not a manly enough weapon for a person of his stature, so what’s he to do, he runs home, ditches the knife, and grabs his chain saw, and quickly returns, all the while shouting, I am going to f–king kill you. Nothing like living next door to a psychopath to make your life much more exciting.

Mark Bates

Mark Bates

Your pissed off psychotic neighbor showing up in your yard, first with a knife, then brandishing a chain saw would by itself be pretty horrific. It’s a good thing the psychotic, chain saw lunatic, is not very detail oriented, as he overlooked one minor detail in stupid plan. It may be a good idea to make sure your chain saw actually starts, before threatening others with it.
Here’s how I imagine this entire incident came down.

I’m going to f–king kill you! shouts the psychotic half-wit with the chain saw.

First, a Squish, squish, squish, sound was heard. This is the sound the rubber fuel primer bulb makes as you press it down, the rubber fuel primer bulb, was depressed three times, per the manufacturers instructions, conveniently printed on the side of the chain saw.

Psycho Neighbor

Psycho Neighbor

I am at a complete loss as to how you would write down the distinct sound a gas chain saw makes, as you pull the cord, while trying to get it started. Are you familiar with how that sounds?  Well, I am just going to go with this –  Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Damn! the potential assailant thought, this f–king piece of s–t won’t start.

He tries again, and again, and again.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Now, I am pretty sure that the intended recipient of the chainsaw attack wasn’t just hanging around waiting for this crazy neighbor to get his chain saw started, so he could be cut to pieces. I certainly know for damn sure that I wouldn’t. Not to mention, it takes two hands and some concentration, to get a non-compliant chain saw started. One hand to hold the handle, and the other hand to prime the carburetor, and then pull the starting cord, using a fast continuous motion. In this guy’s case, over, and over, and over, and over.

If I was the intended victim of this absurd chain saw massacre, I am fairly certain that about this time, this would be a really good time slip away. Especially, while this lunatic was preoccupied trying to get his gas powered, saw of death started.  Evidently, this potential victim, thought the exact same thing.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

So, while the chain saw attacker was preoccupied with trying  to get his chain saw started, the intended victim slipped inside his house, locked the door, and promptly called the Police.

While waiting for the Police to arrive, the sound of the chain saw attacker frantically trying to start his death saw could still be heard clearly through the open window, adjacent to the front door.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Finally, it dawned on the attacker, that during all the excitement, he had never even bothered to check to see if his chain saw had any gas in it. As it turns out, the gas tank was empty. There wouldn’t  be any chain saw massacres happening today.

In a fit of rage, the chain saw attacker threw the useless chain saw against the side of the intended victims house, and went back to his own home in disgust. I am pretty sure, he also experienced the dawning realization, of just how incredibly stupid this whole sequence of events was.

A short time later the Police arrived, and after talking to the intended chain saw massacre victim, as well as several neighbors, who it turns out we’re eye witnesses to the entire incident, the would be chain saw attacker was immediately arrested without incident.

As the gas-less, chain saw attacker, was being led away, in handcuffs, he was overheard explaining to the Police “I didn’t start it, He did!” Well, we all know that just wasn’t true. Neither one of them started it, because the chain saw was out of gas.

The would be chain saw wielding attacker, was ultimately charged with two counts of, assault with a deadly weapon.

I wonder, Do you think his attorney could argue for a reduced sentence, due to the fact that his weapon of choice was basically inoperable?

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. 
Your support is genuinely appreciated

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