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Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Tales of the Absurd Page 26 of 32

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

By

On August 7, 2016

In Religion, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God.  A 29-year-old woman claiming to be God was arrested after torching her car at a Florida gas station.  Seriously, when you just read this headline were you even remotely surprised that this absurd incident happened in the great weird State of Florida?

If you have been reading past stories in Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd,  you will certainly know by now that the State of Florida has by far the highest ratio of absurd events per capita than anywhere else on the entire planet. I actually really enjoy living in Florida, talk about inspiration.

I am pretty certain that  Christians waiting for God to return to this earth, this was definitely not how they envisioned it happening.

A 29-year-old woman, in Daytona Beach, Florida, pulled up to a gas station/ convenience store, sprayed the outside of the car with a liberal amount of gasoline and ran into the store and grabbed a disposable lighter. Nothing unusual so far right? Petty theft is certainly not uncommon, but a woman muttering “I have got to get out of here” and “I am God” over and over is a little bit out of the norm, even for the great weird State of Florida.

An employee at the convenience store chased down God  to retrieve the pilfered disposable cigarette lighter. Evidently, even God has to pay for merchandise just like the rest of us.  The clerk Gas station worker bravely fought with God to get the lighter. The brave worker managed to get back the stolen lighter, but noticed a strong smell of gasoline on her hands, so he wisely backed off. Unfortunately God  grabbed another lighter and fled the store,  and the next thing you know Whoosh!!! God had just torched her car. The blaze was described by one of the employees as 15 barbeques all being fired up at once. Kind of an interesting analogy, but you get the general idea.

Torched Scion

God Torched her Scion

Another quick thinking employee shut down the pumps by activating the emergency shut-off switch, which prevented the entire gas station from blowing up.

Evidently, God doesn’t like dogs either. I know that’s hard to believe, because after all who doesn’t like dogs? A bystander noticed that God’s two dogs were in the flaming car, which was quickly becoming an inferno. The brave bystander managed to open the passenger side door and successfully rescue the two helpless animals, before they became barbecued dogs. This guy absolutely deserves a medal for bravery. I am pretty sure that the two dogs would agree with me as well.

After torching her car, God calmly walked out to the road, sat down in the middle of the road and waited for  a car to hit her. God was still in the middle of the road when the police arrived on the scene some minutes later. God was taken to a mental health facility for a mental health evaluation.

As for the gas station, the  station only suffered a melted pump hose from the incident. The gas station reopened right away. I am not sure if you  can thank God for that small miracle, In this case I would think not.

I have big issues with this whole incident being caused by a direct intervention from God.  As usual, being Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am going to analyze this entire incident using my SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess). I think I can debunk the entire God returning to earth as a petty thief, arsonist who attempted to barbecue her dogs alive and burn down the gas station theory, in pretty short order.

First things first – Would God be caught dead driving a Scion? I think not. I am pretty sure that God would have more class than that. Personally, I don’t know why a supreme being that is described as all-powerful and all-knowing, would even bother with cars.  If God did need a car I would think God would choose something a little more classy such as a Jaguar, Mercedes or even a high-end BMW.

Secondly, all gas stations in Florida are either pay at the pump first with a credit or debit card.  Or you have to go in and pay the cashier, prior to pumping gas.   Assuming that God actually decided he/she need a car, and certainly not a Scion, why would God need money or debit cards for anyway? I seem to remember that God had a real issue with money. Remember the story about the money changers at the temple?

I would also like to talk to the credit card company that issued God a credit card. I have no idea how God could have a good credit history, drivers license, employment history or other identification. If God himself created the credit card, wouldn’t  that amount to credit card fraud?

Also, why would God even need a disposable cigarette lighter for anyway? I would think that creating fire would be a fairly easy stunt for someone who created all the heavens and the earth and is all-knowing and all-powerful. I mean for all the miracles that are attributed to God, creating a small flame would be like child’s play to a supreme being. Seriously, think about it.

Also, as a dog lover myself,  I cannot imagine God attempting to barbecue alive two of his/her most loyal and loving creatures. If dogs are man’s best friend, I would think that they hold a special place in God’s heart as well. I know what you are thinking, “God giveth and God taketh away”. OK, Point well taken, However, I would Imagine that God would “taketh” away in a much less cruel fashion.

Finally, as far as sitting in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit her. I believe that this would be a fairly futile act by any God. One, it would never happen and two, if it did what difference would it make. Remember that God supposedly is all-knowing and all-powerful, so what would a mere automobile do to a supreme being? Why absolutely nothing of course.

If God is all-knowing he/she would know that a car is not going to hit them anyway. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that a car did hit God while she was sitting in the middle of the road. Then wouldn’t mean that God wasn’t entirely all-knowing or all-powerful after all?

You know this particular SWAG analysis just reminded me of an old George Carlin routine from the 1970’s. So, here’s a little parting gift, a very rare video of one of George Carlin’s early performances attempting to describe God. Enjoy!

Once again the SWAG theory has led us to the inescapable conclusion that this delusional woman is not God. Evidently, this poor woman is just suffering from some sort of severe mental break with reality. We can thank God that neither the dogs or anyone at the gas station was injured in this bizarre incident.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Ice Cream Truck Turf War Turns Criminal

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On August 7, 2016

In Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd

Ice Cream Truck Turf War Turns Criminal! This is totally awesome! I had no idea that ice cream trucks and their routes were like the Mafia or drug cartels and each one had their own specific territory and are willing to defend their territory by whatever means necessary, including bodily harm.

You know what I’m talking about right? Think back to when you were a child and were seduced by the ice cream jingle and would literally beg your mom for some money. Looking back it was exactly like the old story of the Pied Piper. I remember them distinctly, those really annoying ice cream trucks that patrol around the neighborhood at like  one mile an hour with the really loud and equally annoying ice cream jingle blaring from the giant loud-speaker mounted on the top.

Apparently, The ice cream truck business, is a very, very, serious business, I would have never suspected that this would be the case. However, I never really thought too much about it. There was until recently a massive turf war going on in Gloversville, N.Y., between the local ice cream cartel, “Sno Kone Joe” and an out-of -town rival cartel, “Mr. Ding-A-Ling”

Sno Kone Joe

Sno Kone Joe

Evidently, Mr. Ding-A-Ling was attempting to move in on Sno Kone Joe’s territory. The latest turf war began last month when Sno Kone Joe patrolling his usual routes,  with his not one, but two Sno Kone Joe ice cream trucks rounded a corner and noticed much to his amazement that another cartel, Mr. Ding-A-Ling was in Sno Kone Joe’s town, stealing Sno Kone Joe’s pint-sized customers.

Of course, Sno Kone Joe, was not about to take this intrusion laying down. Sno Kone Joe immediately  taunted and threatened his rival, saying, “You don’t have a chance. This is my town,” This went out over Sno Knoe Joe’s loud-speaker, so of course everyone heard it for a block or two away.

Not that Sno Kone Joe had anything to worry about as no one would ever dare cross the ice cream cartel out of fear for their own lives. You have to remember that cartels are dangerous and violent organizations, that would have no problem eliminating you and your entire family if you cross the line. Sometimes cartels kill just to keep people from even thinking about betraying them.

Sno Kone Joe also called his rival Cartel, Mr.Ding-A-Ling’s headquarters  and said, “I own this town.” The implied threat was clear. However, Mr. Ding-A-Ling was not going to be so easily intimidated.

The turf war escalated when Sno Knoe Joe brought both is ice cream trucks to bear and followed Mr. Ding-A-Ling, while blasting their ice cream jingle at a really loud volume. At one point, one of  Sno Kone Joe’s minions yelled “free ice cream” in an attempt to pry away Mr. Ding-A-Ling’s customers.

Mr. Ding-A-Ling

Mr. Ding-A-Ling

At one point Sno Kone Joe’s bullying attempts were actually spotted by police when two Sno Kone Joe trucks were fengaged in a slow speed chase in hot pursuit of Mr. Ding-A-Ling through the streets of Gloversville. Obviously, the Police are also on the take, as Sno Kone Joe controls Gloversville, N.Y., and everyone living there knows it.

This is not the first time Sno Kone Joe attempted to freeze out one of his rivals. As a matter of fact the previous ice cream cartel that attempted to move in on Sno Kone Joe’s territory, were never seen or heard from again in Gloversville, N.Y., or anywhere else for that matter.

I actually would have liked to witness that chase scene in Gloversville. I can see it now, Sno Kone Joe and one of his minions in another ice cream truck in a slow speed, one mile an hour pursuit, chasing and taunting the Mr. Ding-A-Ling truck over the loud speaker, all aver town? That would have been even better then the OJ Simpson slow speed chase on the Freeway in Southern California, several years ago. You remember that fiasco right?

Unbeknownst to Sno Kone Joe, his ice cream cartel had been infiltrated by a lone undercover Federal Agent. The Feds moved in quickly and shut down the violent Sno Kone Joe cartel and arrested Sno Kone Joe and his minions. Sno Kone Joe was charged with second-degree harassment, a violation, and fourth-degree stalking, a misdemeanor. It’s unclear whether they have entered a plea.

ABC News reached out to Sno Kone Joe’s attorney and he had no comment.  Sno Kone Joe did not respond to a request for comment. If convicted, the members of the ice cream cartel could face three months in jail. If it weren’t for the fearless undercover agent who risked his own life in the pursuit of justice, this ice cream cartel turf battle would have escalated to include innocent bystanders being killed.  Mr. Ding-A-Ling would most likely have disappeared, never to be seen alive again. Just like the last cartel that dared to move into Sno Kone Joe’s turf.

I have heard through sources in Gloversville that the towns people are breathing a collective sigh of relief. The violent ice cream cartel that literally controlled the entire town for years, has finally been arrested and for the first time in a very long while, the good people of Gloversville, N.Y., do not have to live in fear.

Always remember; Justice may sometimes be delayed, but justice is always served.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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DUI Suspect Was Traveling With Dead Skunk, Police Say

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On August 6, 2016

In Stories about Drunks, Tales of the Absurd

DUI Suspect Was Traveling With Dead Skunk, Police Say. Now this story is totally absurd. I love this story. You are not going to believe this one, but it is absolutely true.

First of all, the old cliche of being drunk as a skunk is actually true, at least in the case of this guy. So as the story goes, this guy is driving drunk. Witnesses observe this idiot strike a guardrail with his mini van. So, what does he do he leaves the scene, and keeps on driving erratically heading towards the city. 

Pretty typical behavior for a drunk guy so far. A short time later the cops catch up with him, and pull the drunken idiot over. Here’s where it gets really good… The cop gets out of his car and is immediately assaulted with the smell of skunk. Believe me, for those of you unfortunate enough to know this smell, you know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don’t, consider yourselves very, very, lucky. Trust me this is one odor that you do not ever want to experience first hand. There is not a more foul odor anywhere, except for maybe the decaying smell of a dead body. However, I consider this to be a tossup, as to which smell is worse. Believe me, this odor is very nauseating, and very distinctive.

 

Skunk

Intermission: OK, I actually have an interesting skunk story. This story takes place in Connecticut. Yes, Connecticut. In the Northeast part of the United States skunks are somewhat common, even in the big cities. Anyway, this is one animal that if you happen to see one, you give it a very, very, wide berth, and whatever you do, do not scare it

Anyway, skunks do not really have much of a strong smell themselves per se,  so unless it sprays something you will not be able to detect one by smell alone. The only time a skunk sprays anyone, or anything with their foul smelling stink spray is if they are startled, frightened or threatened.

Decades ago I used to live in this townhouse complex in Danbury, Ct. It was later in the evening on a warm summers day. I forgot what the circumstances were exactly, but I needed to borrow something from my neighbor Greg.

It was somewhere around 9:30 in the evening. I walked out of my door and walked the short distance to Greg’s front door. Now mind you it was somewhat dark in front of Greg’s door because his porch light off,  and because of the shrubbery on either side of the door.  Anyway, I knocked  on the door.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye, coming from my right, was a dark shape moving along the front wall of the townhouse behind the shrubs  It was heading right towards me. I actually did not think too much about it as it kind of looked like one of the many cats from around the neighborhood. It could have even my cat.So, I really did not think too much about it. There was nothing in it’s movements that I would have even remotely considered to be a possible threat. Just one of the cats I assumed.

Mind you, only several seconds had passed since I had knocked on the door. I figured that Greg may have been upstairs, and did not hear my knock, so I looked back towards the door and proceeded to ring the doorbell.

Immediately after ringing the doorbell, I felt something rub against my legs. I glanced down and saw what I thought was one of the cats, and reached down and scratched the top of it’s head. It kept right on going, heading towards my townhouse. I looked over at the retreating cat and realized to my horror, that it was not a cat at all.  It was a skunk. It stopped and sniffed around the bushes not three feet from me. I stood there frozen in fear. The one and only thought that crossed my mind was; Please Greg, do not answer the door because you will frighten it. If you frighten it, I am the one getting sprayed with smelly skunk stink.

As luck would have it, Greg was not home and did not answer the door. The skunk kept going and disappeared around the corner of the building a couple of doors down. Crisis narrowly averted.

Important Safety Tip: Never, ever scare, threaten, or otherwise molest a skunk as they can spray their foul smelling odor with great accuracy for 15 to 20 feet.

Anyway, back to the drunk driver story… The cop exited his vehicle and was immediately assaulted with the horrendous skunk smell. The Police Officer then noticed a plastic grocery bag hanging from the back window wiper. On top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, the back window wiper was on, even though it was not raining. The bag was swinging back and forth on the window wiper.

The Police Officer approached the driver and smelled a strong smell of alcohol , not to mention the strong smell of the skunk emanating from the drunk guys vehicle. The Police Officer gave the man some roadside sobriety tests, which he failed miserably.

After arresting the drunk idiot, the Police Officer proceeded to ask the man what was inside the plastic grocery bag. The drunken man explained that there was a dead skunk inside the plastic bag, that he had killed because the skunk was killing his chickens. The man proceeded to explain that he was looking for a receptacle to dispose of the skunk.

The drunk guys vehicle was impounded along with his smelly dead skunk cargo, the man was booked into the local jail.
They never did explain why the window wiper was on, or why the smelly dead skunk needed to swing back and forth in time with the window wiper. Hmmmm.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. 
Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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