PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Happy New Year everyone! This is the first annual, Profound Revelations Tales of the Absurd year in review 2012.
Wow, 2012, I am certainly going to miss you. What an absurd year it was.Here are my 13 favorite absurd stories from the past year. I am really looking forward to more absurd weirdness in 2013….Enjoy!

Ballsy brew! How does bull testicle beer taste?
I don’t know, don’t care and will never ever try it, not now, not later, not ever. I can’t even imagine how anyone could even imagine something like this, or even consider that this would be a good idea. This is a major perversion of beer, the ultimate alcohol abuse. Do you mean to tell me that there actually was someone out there that looked at a pair of bulls testicles and had this giant epiphany, and actually thought to themselves ”Hmmm I bet this would make great beer”. Hell why stop at bulls testicles. How about a nice bulls penis Pilsner, cow vagina lager, cow brain ale. OK, I’m going to stop now.

Clark Kent quits job
Now this is f—king serious. I know how these things usually go. What if Clark Kent decides he doesn’t want to be Superman anymore? Clark Kent quit his job after decades at the Daily Planet, is this because of budget cuts or editorial direction, or God forbid, was the paper bought out by the evil Rupert Murdock?

I mean seriously, think about it for a moment, it must be really, really, hard for Clark Kent to find a job, where he can suddenly disappear at a moments notice, so he can become Superman.  I can’t think of many occupations where he could pull this off without being fired. Most employer’s frown upon their employees just disappearing for no reason, or at least he would have to notify his Supervisor. Also, he needs a job that pays well enough for him to keep replacing those suits, hats, glasses, and shoes, that he abandons inside phone booths, and still make enough money to pay rent, utilities, food, etc. Speaking of phone booths, it must be getting harder to even find a phone booth now days anyway.

Another important consideration is, where could Clark Kent possibly work where everyone, and I mean everyone, seemed to be totally oblivious to the fact that he was actually Superman with a hat and horned rimed glasses as a disguise. Besides, isn’t anyone smart enough to realize that Clark Kent is never, ever, around when Superman is spotted out and about fighting crime? Hmmm.

I think this may all be for the best anyway, and Clark Kent/Superman should make the move from Metropolis to Chicago. I think with Chicago’s crime rate they need him more. Besides, I heard that there may be openings at the Chicago Tribune.

Note: This commentary is based on Superman the TV series that featured George Reeves. I  have never cared for the Superman movies featuring Christopher Reeve (no relation to George Reeves). It had nothing to do with Christopher Reeve, it is just that the movies violated several of the notions about the Superman, that that I grew up with. I was actually surprised that they did not carry some or most of these over when they made the movies.

Let me explain, I grew up watching re-runs of the TV series Superman with George Reeves as Superman. The series was originally produced between 1952 and 1958. Because of my avid watching all the re-runs of the TV series I developed certain notions about Superman, that I held to be be self evident. This belief extended all the way into adulthood. .

Firstly, Superman was older (mid to late forties) I don’t know why this is important, but it is what it is.
Secondly, Superman had to take three running steps to fly, He was unable just to jump up and fly. They never explained this, it is just the way it was. I have always excepted this as fact, and still do.
Thirdly, And this is really important. Superman made a certain sound when he was flying, and more importantly, he made a certain indescribable sound the moment he landed. I assume that it had something to do with flying that fast. Sounds are one of the things you never forget, no matter how old you get.
Lastly, Superman always used a phone booth (mostly) or a a convenient empty store room, to change into Superman. And, Superman never, ever joked around when he was Superman (Clark Kent yes, Superman, never). Well maybe a little when he was messing with the bad guys, but it was very subtle. Superman was serious, and it was serious business, and why not, he was after all “Fighting for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

Landlord’s Bizarre Excuse For Hiding Dead Body For Days
A pub landlord hid the body of a dead customer for four days so he would not miss the busy weekend trade.The pub/hotel owner found the body of a pub regular dead (from alcohol poisoning) in the men’s toilets on a Friday night at his pub, in South Wales.(UK)

OK, I am going to try to look at this from a point of view of someone who obviously does not suffer from the ravages of intelligence. So, let’s examine this gentlemen’s thought processes and motivation. Business has been slow, It’s Friday night, at closing he discovers the body of a regular customer in the men’s room. Now I think this would suck on any level, not only has one of your regulars died, he died inside your establishment. Keep in mind he has done nothing wrong, so far. He’s thinking that if he report’s it right away, the cops will come around and investigate. (You know how pesky those cops can be.) This could have a serious impact on his weekend business, which he seriously needs. This is a real moral and financial conundrum.

The pub owner get’s this bright idea to hide the body till Tuesday, so he gets his weekend business, then he can call the cops, and tell them he just found the dead guy. No harm, no foul. The guy is already dead. (The article never did explain why he couldn’t call the cops on Monday, Hmm.) (mistake No.1)

So what’s he to do? He’s got a great plan, He actually asks the bouncer to help move the body, the bouncer for some odd reason refuses.  (mistake No. 2)

Finally, he asks a maid to help him move the body to one of the rooms, she apparently agrees, and assists him with moving the body. (mistake No.3)

For the next four days, the pub owner deflects the inquiries and concerns of the dead guys friends and family who inquired about the dead guys whereabouts. The pub owner actually told these concerned friends and relatives, that he had spoken to the dead guy recently, and that he was OK.  Of course, he neglected to tell them that the guy had died, and was currently stashed in one of the rooms. (mistake No.4)

Well, apparently his half baked plan began to fall apart (what a shocker!)  He doe’s call those pesky cops on Tuesday, and tells them he found the dead guy in one of the rooms, so far so good. I am pretty sure he showed adequate shock and dismay at finding the dead guy.

Well, all good things come to an end. On the very day of the dead guys funeral, the maid (remember the maid) had been having nightmares, and felt guilty for her part in moving the dead guys body. She immediately went to those pesky cops, and told them the whole sordid story.

Of course, those pesky cops, being cops and all, investigated further, and of course all  of the pub owners serious mistakes in his half-baked, stupid plan were uncovered with only minimal work by those same pesky cops. The pub owner was ultimately sentenced to 15 months in prison.

On a side note, if the pub owner had ever watched any of those CSI type crime dramas, he would have known that his entire plan was absurd.

Chihuahua Owner Uses Newspaper To Fend Off Coyote Attack
It Just goes to show you that Chihuahua owners are just as mean as their little demon dogs.  (I am pretty sure that Chihuahua is Spanish for demon dog) The little demon dogs owner suddenly hears her little demon dog yelping in her own back yard. After having just picked up the newspaper from the front yard, the little demon dog’s owner ran towards all the commotion……

The little demon dog’s owner was stunned to see a large Coyote trying to have her beloved demon dog for breakfast. Obviously, The demon dog’s owner sprang into action, and ran up to the Coyote and smacked the Coyote on the nose with the rolled-up newspaper, while in a firm command voice yelling “Bad dog, Bad dog”. The Coyote immediately let go of little demon dog, and ran off.

I am pretty sure the little demon dog also let the Coyote know in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable as well. The woman then noticed a second large Coyote nearby. The second Coyote witnessing the first Coyote’s newspaper smack down, and subsequent humiliation ran for cover as well.  Don’t worry little demon dog only had minor injuries and fully recovered.

(Disclaimer: I love dogs, and would never advocate harming one, or harming another animal, even with a rolled up newspaper. Yes, I also know Chihuahua is not Spanish for demon dog, Chihuahua is actually named after the State in Mexico, so please no hate mail.)

Is The Reptilian Conspiracy Theory Real?
WTF!!! Why didn’t anyone tell me about this sooner, This is serious folks, so if I were you, I would pay really close attention. Print this out if you have to, and keep it in your wallets, or purses, back pockets, or wherever. This information could mean the difference between life and death.

According to Jesse Ventura, (Remember Jesse Ventura? Yes, that Jesse Ventura an American politician, actor, author, veteran, and former professional wrestler who also served as the 38th Governor of Minnesota from 1999 to 2003.) Hey, I know what your thinking: WTF doe’s Jesse Ventura know about Reptilian Conspiracy Theories? evidently a lot, so stop asking questions, and pay attention already. This is important.

According to Jesse Ventura, this is a story of full-body transformation, politicians hellbent on world domination, and  the Reptilians (I am just going to refer to them as lizard people from here on out), who may be among us. Hey, I can believe the politicians hellbent on world domination part, so I am inclined to believe the other stuff as well.

Jesse says, Angkor Wat, in the Cambodian jungle (you can Google Angkor  Wat) like the pyramids,  was built by lizard people, yes, lizard people, evidently as some sort of giant radio beaming some sort of lizard signal, in some sort of communication method unknown to, and undetectable to man, to who knows where, and OMG, this is the same place where the lizard people had or still have intercourse with real people. There is even eyewitnesses, Yeah sure, who want’s to watch a giant lizard breed with some hot girl. You would probably go blind.

Evidently, the lizard people control the Presidency of the United States. Why doe’s a democracy have an almost king like figure leading the country? When the U.S. became the first democracy in the 1780s, the lizard people helped to create the US constitution  This is how the lizard people rulers were still able to control most of the power in our new founded nation. Hey, wait a minute..Barack Obama has those same ears. Hmmm. Also, did you ever notice that US Presidents age like 3 times faster then normal people?

There is evidence that individually means absolutely nothing, but pieced all together, creates a very disturbing picture. This wealth of evidence simply cannot be ignored any longer. Obviously someone, somewhere, was very subtly trying to warn us. Just consider this…

There was an episode of the original Star Trek (not the later cheap imitations of the original classic) that featured to Gorn. Remember the Gorn,, the large lizard people (that even wore clothes) that Captain Kirk had to  fight. Hmmm….

There was a TV mini-series in the 1980’s,  and later a TV series called “V”. in which aliens, who were actually lizard people disguised as humans, were hellbent on world domination. Hmmm.

WTF, There is even a current TV series on right now called “Neighbors” which is billed as a comedy series, which feature  (you guessed it) aliens, once again lizard people, disguised as humans. Hmmm…

Furthermore, when I was a kid they used to teach us that dinosaurs were reptiles. Now the scientists are saying they were not. Hmmm…

Maybe Jesse Ventura is onto something after all.

Woman Afraid To Leave House After Ferret Attack
My God! This is truly horrifying. I never, ever, liked or trusted those beady eyed, smelly animals at all. I am not even sure that I would trust anyone who would harbor these little monsters. Some people say these little monsters are pets and nothing more. Do not be fooled my friends, these animals are not pets, they are demons in disguise. Demons who smell bad at that.

I am not at all surprised at all that this happened.  This was not a matter of, if it would happen, it was merely a matter of when. So, in this story, an elderly woman in the UK was rolling down a sidewalk, in her power chair, right near her house.  When suddenly in broad daylight, a demon ferret came out of nowhere and savagely attached itself to her ankle biting her. She actually had to beat the little demon off with her cane. Not surprisingly it attacked her again. Once again this brave elderly woman fought off the little demon, and finally the ferret ran off. Mind you this was in broad daylight at about 11:00 AM.

I have heard all the arguments from those poor delusional people who choose to keep these little monsters. They claim that the beady eyed little demons are cuddly, funny and very entertaining. Entertaining my a$s.

I have even heard some of these delusional owners compare their pet monster rodents to dogs. Seriously??  Some ferret owners stupidly try to compare their little monsters to common house cats. Don’t even get me started on cats! At least as long as you feed your cat, and regularly clean your cats litter box , you and your cat will live happily in a kind of cold war dé·tente.

Listen to me when I tell you, these little beady eyed demon ferret monsters are only watching us, and learning our ways. They are doing nothing more then biding their time, and waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Now, as we can clearly see, the terror has already begun.

I know exactly what you are thinking. Dogs do the same thing, always watching you, observing you, even when they are pretending to be asleep. Well, I can assure you this is entirely different. I can say this with some authority, as I consider myself to be somewhat of an amateur expert on the psychology of dogs.

Lets do a little side by side comparison between Dog’s and Ferret’s shall we….

Dogs, it is believed have been with mankind since early man. Dogs evolved from wolves, these early dogs used to hang around the edges of human encampments waiting for the opportunity to steal scraps of food, or occasionally snatch a small child. I would imagine that the first wolf to warn the tribe of impending danger was rewarded with food, and not immediately killed and eaten.

Have you ever heard of a watch ferret? I think not. It is believed that Ferrets are descended from Polecats. I  can assure you that if a polecat hung around the encampment he would not only be dinner, but he would be added to the the peoples clothing, or shoes, or whatever.

Dogs have learned to bond with humans like no other animal. Dogs watch your every move from the moment they first open their eyes. They have learned to read human emotions, and especially body language. Dogs understand several words of human language, and express emotions and obviously know some right from wrong. There is even some evidence that dogs have a rudimentary sense of situational humor.

Have you ever seen any kind of emotion out of a ferret except for pure evil?

Dogs have also learned to get exactly what they want from people, as the title of an article on dog psychology I once read indicated “Dogs are the Greatest Charlatans on the Planet” this is absolutely true.

Certainly dogs offer unconditional love and loyalty to their human companions. But, this is not a one sided deal, dog’s want something in return. Here’s a good example to illustrate my point. You come home from work and your dog is ecstatic. Your dog wags it’s tail uncontrollably, and insists on licking you because it figures you like it. Your dog licks you, and you right away pet your dog, and talk nicely to it. But, the dog will also lick you when you pick it up because it wants you to put it down,, your dog is hungry and it wants you to feed it, so it licks you, and runs to it’s food bowl, your dog wants out, yes, you got it, it licks you, then runs to the door. There are a million of other examples, but I think you get the idea.

Would you even want your ferret licking you? If it did, it is most likely just studying where your juggler vein is located, or imagining what human flesh tastes like.

Dogs have also learned to use humans as tools to get what it\they want. Yes, it’s true. Have you ever noticed that if your dogs favorite ball or whatever ends up under the couch, and your dog cannot reach it after trying every angle itself, what does it do next? Yep! your dog will get it’s human tool to get it for him. I know, our dog- Homer, (a Rat terrier-wiener dog mix) will look under the couch, wag his tail and bark, Homer will check every side of the couch to see if there is anyway he can reach it. Only then will Homer run to me and bark, and run back to looking under the couch again, and bark. He will actually do this several times until I finally surrender and get up. I know exactly what he wants. He is basically telling me to get up, and get the damn ball. So, I get up and get down on the floor, and look under the couch, Homer will look under the couch right next to me (and yes, even lick me, to encourage me to get the ball already) I reach under the couch, grab the ball, pull it out, and Homer grabs the ball  from my hand, and merrily goes on his way playing with his ball.

Have you ever had your demon ferret do anything like this, so you would gets it’s toy? I think not.

Did you know that dogs are so socialized to humans that they are one of only a couple of animal species, that if you point to something, the dog doe’s not look at your hand, it looks to what your pointing to. Primates don’t even have this ability, but dolphin’s do. You should try it sometime.

Don’t even try this with your ferret because it will not work.

Now, that I have definitively shown you that these demon ferrets are not pets, like dogs. If you have a ferret, get a dog. At least the dog will guard you from the ferret, especially when your sleeping.

Important Safety Tip: Always carry a cane or walking stick when your outside to protect yourself from marauding bands of demon ferrets, or just take your dog with you, as I can assure you that the dog will always have your back.

On a side note: Homer practices virtually every single day for when the time comes (and it will) that the marauding ferret monsters finally arrive. Homer practices for this by chasing squirrels, several times a day, every day. You see, Homer hates squirrels almost as much as he hates those smelly demon ferrets. Good dog Homer, Good dog!

With my trusted dog, Homer. I am never, ever afraid to leave my house.

Man Arrested With Nephew’s Genitals In Wallet
This is a truly horrifying story about a man in South Africa that killed and mutilated his 18 year old Nephew.  We read about terrible murders around the world virtually everyday. But, we don’t often hear about the killer, in this case his uncle, carrying around the victims genitals in his wallet.

Really? How big a wallet did this guy have? If we look at this under a SWAG perspective (Scientific Wild Ass Guess) the average 18 year old male has genitals measuring approximately 5 to 7 inches in length, you see where I am going with this? Good, as I don’t want to go into anymore detail then that.

So how in the hell did this guy fit this piece of severed male anatomy into his wallet? and a better question is why was he carrying them around in his wallet like some sort of morbid currency?

The reason I labeled this story as totally absurd, is because after the unidentified man led police to the mutilated nephews corpse hidden in a forest, it was then, and only then that police discovered the nephews severed genitals in the mans wallet. (I assume that the police were able to positively match the missing genitals from the nephews corpse, to the male genitals that were discovered inside his uncle’s wallet). Hey, I assume that there is always a chance that the genitals in the mans wallet were someone else’s genitals, and not the ones missing from the mutilated corpse. This bizarre case that will likely lead to murder charges for the man.

THIS WILL LIKELY LEAD TO MURDER CHARGES FOR THE UNCLE???
Hmmm. Survey says: Guilty, case closed.

Woman And Her Haunted Toaster Make For The ‘Greatest Interview In Television History’?
Why the hell didn’t anyone ever tell me about the existence of this video before???
I really can’t believe I didn’t know about this. Thanks guy’s, for keeping something so important like this, secret for 28 years. Well, the secrets out now.

This is f–king terrifying! A haunted toaster! For the love of God, when is this sort of stuff gonna stop. How do you defend yourself against a haunted toaster, anyway?

Once again I am going to rely on the SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess) and my own expertise as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, to assist you in surviving this onslaught of demonically possessed appliances. I am going to focus on possessed toasters in this article, however, the techniques are the same for most possessed household appliances.

I highly recommend that you take notes as this information may one day save your life, or the life of a loved one.

Before I begin…For those of you who belong to the Catholic faith, I know exactly what you are thinking. You’re  sitting there smugly, in front of your computer, thinking to yourself, no big deal. I know full well that the Catholic church is the world renown expert on demonic possession. I can just call my local Priest, and he will just drop everything, and run right over, and perform an exorcism. Sorry, to burst your bubble, but You are wrong.

The Catholic church certainly doe’s know more about demonic possession then anyone else on the entire planet. However, the Catholic church only performs exorcisms on people, and then only under extraordinary circumstances. If you don’t believe me go ahead and call your local Priest, call the Vatican for that matter. Once you tell them that your Toast-O-Matic is possessed by a demon, they won’t believe you.

Even if the church did somehow believe you, after all your crying and babbling incoherently from the sheer terror of it all, they would just tell you to get rid of your possessed toaster and be done with it. This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.
You certainly wouldn’t ever discard any toaster that makes really good toast, now would you!

Don’t worry, I am going to show some useful and practical ways for you to learn to live in harmony with your little toaster demon.

How do you know if you have a haunted appliance? Of course, knowing your enemy is the first step in protecting yourself.  Evidently, according to the woman in the video, at least where demonically possessed toasters are concerned, your toaster will start speaking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach.

For those of you who don’t know who Eli Wallach is, there is going to be some homework.
It is absolutely critical that you know this voice. Go out and get a copy of the movie “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”. This is a great old Clint Eastwood film (don’t worry this was made decades before he went crazy, and started having conversations with empty chairs).

Anyway, Eli Wallach is an actor, and is one of the three main characters in the movie.
Eli Wallach played the part of Tuco Ramirez (The Ugly). He has a very distinctive voice.  Know this voice, and know it well.  Your life and sanity may depend upon it.

Note: I don’t have any information that all haunted appliances sound like Eli Wallach, or if it’s unique to toasters. Maybe some of my readers have more insight on this. If so, please leave a comment at the bottom of the page, and let the rest of us know.

The next clue that your toaster may be demonically possessed, (as if speaking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach, and telling you “I am the Devil” isn’t enough) your toaster starts spitting out perfect toast,  nothing special about that except this toast has the words ‘Satan Lives” carved into it.

I know in the video this was not done in front of the cameras, and it looks like the words on the toast were carved with the tip of a butter knife. We all now that if it is on the internet, or on TV it has to be true right?  This is especially true, if the video on the internet was originally broadcast on TV, from the “Today Show” to be precise.

One thing I was wondering about, is it safe to eat the satanic toast that your demonically possessed toaster spit out with the words “Satan Lives” carved into it? I have determined that it is perfectly safe. You might even find that it holds the butter a little better then regular toast.

Lastly, according to the woman in the video, “When all is said and done”  your demonically possessed toaster still makes good toast.  Obviously, a toaster that failed to perform it’s primary function of making really good toast, could not be demonically possessed.

So, after everything we learned above, if your toaster exhibits any, or all, of those behaviors, it is very likely demonically possessed. So, what do we do about it? By utilizing the SWAG theory we can do a number of things to protect ourselves, and have our perfect toast too.

First of all, Do Not Panic!  You can deal with this! Even if your toaster is possessed it is still only a toaster. It does not have legs, and is pretty much confined to an area equal to the length of the cord. Thank God, toasters have really short power cords.

Important Safety Tip: You may want to purchase a fire extinguisher, and make sure the toaster is not placed under any low hanging wood cabinets or anything else combustible. As you saw in the video, demonically possessed toasters have a tendency to spout flames periodically.  Remember, Safety First.

Secondly, Keep your demonically possessed toaster unplugged when not in use.
I am not sure that this would stop it talking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach, but I am certain that it would eliminate the unexpected flames.

Lastly, and this one is strictly my own theory, and it is not backed up by any sort of empirical evidence or direct observations. Just follow my logic for a moment.

What if this demon did something to really, really, piss off Satan. Seriously, why wouldn’t this demon be out possessing some peasant girl or right wing nut politician? Maybe the demon is just really cranky because it is doomed to possess a common toaster. I can just imagine all the other demons laughing at these guys trapped inside toasters. Seriously, if you were a demon how would you feel?

So, by using that logic, maybe you should include your demonically possessed toaster in some of your families regular activities. I don’t mean things like taking your toaster for a ride in your car, or taking it to work with you, that may be a little weird.
Although, you could try. Let me know how that works out for you!

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of family activities like watching a movie together. Hey, try inviting your demonically possessed toaster into the living room to watch “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” with you, and the rest of the family.

This might be the start of a whole new friendship between you, and your demon toaster. Think about it, your toaster already sounds like Eli Wallach anyway.
Maybe, just maybe, your toaster will learn some new lines. This would be really entertaining for when you have dinner parties, etc.

How about including your demonically possessed toaster in other family activities like: watching TV, Monopoly, card games, music (just not heavy metal), you could even read it a story.

The last, and most important piece of advice I can give you, is to show your little toaster demon some respect. Talk to it, tell the toaster demon how much you appreciate it working hard to make you the perfect piece of toast every time.
It might even be a good idea to give your toaster a hug. (Just remember to make sure it is unplugged, remember the unexpected shooting flames. I wouldn’t want anyone to be injured).

Essentially, You have to learn to embrace, and control the inner demon. Only then, can you learn to live together, in peace and harmony.

If you have any stories about haunted appliances. I’m sure that all the rest of my readers would really like to hear about it. I know I certainly would. Use the comment box below.

DUI Suspect Was Traveling With Dead Skunk, Police Say
Now this story is totally absurd. I love this story. You are not going to believe this one, but it is absolutely true.

First of all, the old cliche of being drunk as a skunk is actually true, at least in the case of this guy. So as the story goes, this guy is driving drunk. Witnesses observe this idiot strike a guardrail with his mini van. So, what does he do he leaves the scene, and keeps on driving erratically heading towards the city.

Pretty typical behavior for a drunk guy so far.
A short time later the cops catch up with him, and pull the drunken idiot over. Here’s where it gets really good… The cop gets out of his car and is immediately assaulted with the smell of skunk. Believe me, for those of you unfortunate enough to know this smell, you know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don’t, consider yourselves very, very, lucky. Trust me this is one odor that you do not ever want to experience first hand. There is not a more foul odor anywhere, except for maybe the decaying smell of a dead body. However, I consider this to be a tossup, as to which smell is worse. Believe me, this odor is very nauseating, and very distinctive.

Intermission: OK, I actually have an interesting skunk story. This story takes place in Connecticut. Yes, Connecticut. In the Northeast part of the United States skunks are somewhat common, even in the big cities. Anyway, this is one animal that if you happen to see one, you give it a very, very, wide berth, and whatever you do, do not scare it

The drunk guys vehicle was impounded along with his smelly dead skunk cargo, the man was booked into the local jail.

They never did explain why the window wiper was on, or why the smelly dead skunk needed to swing back and forth in time with the window wiper. Hmmmm.

Man Gets Ticket After Getting Run Over By Own Truck
Yes, you read that correctly, this man was actually run over, by his own pickup truck. No, he wasn’t a passenger, or even standing behind it while it somehow slipped into reverse. He was driving his pickup truck at the time of the incident.

To add insult to his injuries, he was issued a traffic citation, for operating a motor vehicle with defective equipment.

Now, this was certainly absurd enough, and I could have stopped here. But, you would have missed out on the best part.

Here’s where the story gets really interesting. Evidently, this guy was driving down a small hill when the brakes failed. This would certainly be a serious enough problem for anyone. So, what’s this guy do?

Wait for it… He opens his drivers door, and sticks his foot out in an attempt to stop the runaway truck. I am not making this part up, I swear. This guy actually believed that he could successfully stop a 3,000 pound vehicle, with no brakes, speeding down hill, simply by jamming his foot down against the pavement. This guy must have been watching way too many cartoons or something.

Lets take a look at this from a SWAG perspective shall we? For those of you who have read some of my other stories, you will already know that a SWAG is an acronym for: Scientific Wild Ass Guess. This is very different from the highly inaccurate; WAG,  another acronym for: Wild Ass Guess, which literally means a wild guess. Usually a WAG has no basis in fact. I always try to take the more scientific type approach whenever possible.

There are simple laws of physics, as well as material science issues, all working against him, for this to be a practical solution. First of all, his leg cannot possibly exert enough force to stop a vehicle, that is accelerating downhill.  An object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless enough force is applied to counter this effect. This is especially true for a vehicle traveling down hill, and accelerating under the full force of gravity.

Secondly, there are basic material science issues involved. What the hell did he think the soles of his sneakers, boots, flip flops, or whatever were made out of? I can assure you the materials (either natural or man made materials) that the soles of his shoes are made of, are not, and would not be designed to withstand this type of punishment. If they were,  the soles of  your shoes would not wear out in only a few short months.
Think about it.

Furthermore, there is a little thing called friction that comes into play at this point.

The dictionary defines friction as:

Doe’s anyone remember from school what the most obvious effect of friction is? That’s right, Heat!Talk about getting a hot foot as the sole of his shoe begins melting off his foot, while he was still wearing it. Actually, if you were in a car following this guy, it might have been pretty funny watching these antics. I wonder if his shoe started smoking while he was trying to jam it into the pavement? Did it smell like burning rubber?

After getting a quick practical lesson in applied physics, and material science,
this half wit decides is only option is to purposely crash his truck, by driving up an embankment. Remember we spoke of gravity earlier? The truck will ultimately start back down the hill, as soon as it loses all forward momentum. Ultimately, he fell out of the truck.

Unfortunately, shortly thereafter started rolling back down the hill, and proceeded to roll over his leg while he was still laying on the ground. I assume, his previous action of opening the door to stick his foot out in his misguided attempt to stop the moving truck would partially explain his falling out of the truck. Of course, he obviously was not wearing a seat belt either, or he could not have so ungracefully exited the vehicle.

We will get to some very important safety tips in a minute. These important safety tips may just save your life, or the life of a loved one someday day, so please bear with me.

So, while we are waiting for the important safety tips to come around, I have a “true story” I want to tell you, about someone, I actually knew, that was injured by his own vehicle running over him.

When I was a teenager about 16 or so, I had a friend named Aaron. Aaron was one of the only kids in my circle of friends that had received a car on his 16th birthday.
So, needless to say Aaron was one of the go to guys whenever any of us needed a ride somewhere. I don’t have to tell that he was a pretty popular guy.

Aaron’s car was a Datsun B-210 hatchback. For those of you who don’t know, Datsun was the original name of Nissan. I think they changed their name, sometime in the 1980’s.

Anyway, Aaron had the most absurd automobile accident that I have ever heard of, then or now. This story was told to me, by Aaron himself, from his hospital bed a few weeks after the horrific accident.

Apparently, as Aaron told the story, he was driving along a road, one of those roads that was cut between two hills. You know the kind, something like 60 degree slopes on either side of a two lane road. Aaron was smoking a cigarette, of course this meant that he was totally cool. This was long before cigarettes became such an uncool activity. Smoking cigarettes was also very convenient for those who smoked pot, as they helped mask the very distinctive odor. Anyway, I don’t remember if Aaron was high on pot at the time, but I assume he was.

Evidently, Aaron was smoking a cigarette in the car as he was driving home. Somehow he accidentally dropped his cigarette on the floor, in the space between the drivers seat, and the door. Not wanting to start a fire, or burn a hole in the carpet, Aaron opened the drivers door, to reach down and grab the cigarette. Keep in mind that he was driving at least 55-60 miles per hour at the time.

As Aaron opened the door, he looked down to see exactly where the cigarette had fallen. Somehow as he was feeling around for the cigarette, he evidently leaned over too far, lost his balance, and started to fall out of the car. You’re probably asking yourself, why wasn’t he wearing a seat belt? This was in the mid-seventies and seat belt usage was nowhere near as common as it is today. Anyway, as far as anyone could figure out, as Aaron started to fall out of the car he somehow pulled the steering wheel hard to the left. This action started the car heading directly towards the hill on the left side of the road. Aaron did actually fall out of the car at this point, and he tumbled onto the road.  This is how he was initially injured.

The car, now driver less, left the roadway and proceeded to travel up the embankment, just narrowly missing Arron laying in the middle of the road. The car traveled for a ways up the embankment, still turning generally to the left, turning towards the opposite direction from which the car was originally was heading.

About this time, according to Aaron,  he was thinking to himself that he was actually pretty lucky, as things could have been much worse. Just about that time, it did get worse, much worse in fact.

The car continued up the hill about a half to three quarters of the way up the hill.
The car reached it’s tipping point, and flipped over on it’s side, and started rolling back down the hill. The car was now rolling down the hill, directly towards Aaron, who was still lying injured, and helpless in the middle of the road. You have to remember that only a few seconds had past since Aaron fell out of the car.

This is where the story gets really bizarre. The car rolled down the hill side and proceeded to roll directly over Aaron, still lying in the middle of the road.
Aaron sustained even more injuries due to his own car rolling over him. The car continued rolling across the road, and rolled partially up the hill on the other side of the road.

The car continued to roll up the hill on the opposite side of the road, until it expended all of it’s forward momentum, and then… the unthinkable happened, you will never guess what happened next, Yep, you got it, his own car rolled over him again, and finally came to a rest upside down not far from where he was still lying in the middle of the road.

Aaron, by now, was severely injured, having broken almost every major bone in his body, all because his own car rolled over him, not once, but twice. As luck would have it another car came along shortly thereafter. One person stayed behind, while the other drove to find a pay phone (there were no cell phones back then) and called an ambulance.

Aaron spent something like four or five months in the hospital recovering, before he was cleared to go home. Many more months went by, which included lots of physical therapy, before Aaron pretty much recovered. Aaron was still not driving again, for the rest of the time that I stayed in contact with him. I highly doubt that his parents let him sit behind the wheel of an automobile for a very, very long time.

OK, I promised you some Important Safety Tips that will prevent either one of these type tragic accidents from happening to you. You may want to get a pen and write these down, as these are really important. Don’t worry, I can wait. Go and get your pen and paper now.

Your back already? Good. Here we go…..

No. 1 – Always wear a seat belt, no matter what, believe me your clothes getting a little wrinkled is a very, very small price to pay for safety, verses having your own car roll over you, possibly even more then once.

No.2 – If the breaks go out on your car. Do Not Panic! You still have plenty of options that you can use to stop the car safely. First try pulling, or depressing the emergency brake, thus it’s name. The emergency brake is a separate system designed to engage the rear brakes, by a cable system, bypassing the master brake cylinder. Press or pull the emergency brake slowly until the car comes to a complete stop.

Another thing you can do, and you can even do this at the same time as engaging the emergency brake. Turn off the ignition. The steering wheel will not lock while the car is in gear. This is another safety system built into all modern cars. The torque of the engine will slow down and stop the car fairly quickly.

No.3 – Do not ever attempt to put your foot down outside the car and expect it to stop. Trust me there is no material known today that is used for the soles of shoes that will actually survive long enough to stop your car. Not even your very expensive Italian shoes. We already discussed general physics and material science.

No. 4 – Crashing your car on purpose is the absolute last resort. Believe me, when your air bags go off, this is a serious event, and generally disables your car, as well as causing other issues. Besides, then you open yourself up to getting a citation for driving a vehicle with unsafe safety equipment. Besides, at this point you have enough problems without having to deal with a traffic citation as well. Not to mention the insurance hassles, from causing property damage.

No.5 – In the event of a total brake failure, which by the way, is highly unlikely.
Once you have the car successfully stopped, and safely off the road. Do not attempt to drive it anywhere, no matter how short the distance. Call a tow truck, and get the brakes fixed right away. It will be the best money you ever spent.

No.6 – Whatever you do, do not ever, and I  mean never, open the drivers door to reach for anything, while the car is in motion. It doesn’t matter what it is, pull over to the side of the road, and come to a complete stop. Put the car in park, or if you have a vehicle with a manual transmission, shift the car to neutral, and set the emergency brake.
Believe me when I say that the few seconds longer this would take, is far better then falling out of the car, even if it car doesn’t roll over you.

Once you finish writing all these important safety tips down, remember them, know exactly what to do, and insist your loved ones do the same. These 6 important safety tips may one day save your life, or the life of one of your loved ones.

No, no, seriously, your thanks, and eternal gratitude, are not necessary. Cash donations, or naming your next child after me will suffice.

Elephant Dung Turned Into Coffee
WTF!!! When is bulls–t going to stop. Enough already! First it was Civet Cat, poop coffee. I have already written about that, so you already know how I feel about that.

Evidently, someone felt they could one up Civet Cat, poop coffee, so the absurd idea for Elephant, poop coffee was born. That, and they just happened to own a heard of Elephants, I guess you work with what you have.

Did you know that it takes fifty hours for something to pass through an elephants intestines. Basically fifty hours from swallowing to passing through the other end. Well, someone else knew this as well, and decided it would be a f–king great idea to serve Elephants raw coffee beans, along with the usual Purina Elephant Chow, wait fifty hours or so, and follow around the elephant with a bucket under it’s ass, and collect the elephant poop. You dry the poop, extract the coffee beans, roast the coffee beans, and BAM!. Elephant poop coffee. Coffee that now sells for $1,100.00 per kilo, or $50.00 per cup.

The theory behind Elephant poop coffee is simple,  there is an enzyme in the elephants digestive tract that breaks down coffee protein, this protein is the constituent in coffee that makes coffee bitter. Or so the theory says. After all, you had better have a theory if your going to feed elephants raw coffee beans, and follow them around with a bucket under their ass all day. If you didn’t have one, people would think you were really, really, strange.

Important Safety Tip: No matter how stupid the activity is, If you have a theory, and sound like a Scientist, people will believe it.  A white lab coat, and a clipboard helps too.

Who thinks up this crap anyway? What is wrong with good ol’ regular coffee, you know the kind that doesn’t come out of animals asses. I wasn’t aware that our regular mountain grown beans, picked at the peak of ripeness, and slow roasted to perfection was a problem. Mankind has been making coffee the same way for centuries, and has perfected this technique to make the perfect cup of coffee, every time. I don’t ever recall anyone ever wondering if their coffee would taste better, if the coffee beans somehow could pass through the digestive system of an animal, and come out their ass. I am pretty certain that if anyone ever did think this, they wouldn’t say it out loud. Has anyone ever mentioned this to you?

The main flaw in this persons thinking is having to sell a cup of elephant poop coffee for $50.00 per cup.Trust me this is way, way, too high, Hell, I cringe at the prices at those trendy Seattle coffee shops, and we are only talking about $5.00 to $7.00 per cup.

Hey, I have a great idea for you. You could market a less expensive kind of  D.I.Y. (Do It Yourself) type Elephant poop coffee. Think about it, your labor costs would be far less, and you can pass these savings onto your customers.

Instead of going through all that work, just collect all the Elephant poop, dry it out and sell it in five kilo packages. The consumer would be responsible for extracting the beans, roasting the coffee beans to perfection, and grinding the coffee. As an added bonus, the leftover Elephant poop would make great fertilizer for your vegetable garden.

You know, maybe some of the cash strapped cattle ranchers, right herein the United States, should jump onto this bandwagon. How about Black Angus, cow poop coffee? (dark roasted, of course) or better yet, a specialty, Limited Edition, American Bison, poop coffee?

Think about it.

Just remember, you heard it heard it here first.

Pennsylvania Man Broke Into Ex’s Home, Glued Refrigerator Shut: Police
Something has to be done about this heinous crime. This unspeakable crime has to stop, and it has to stop right now. Call in the FBI for assistance, they can use all that high tech gear, that the FBI has laying around the local field office.

Have you ever been a victim of this terrible crime? I bet it happened something like this…Your coming home from a tough day at the office, construction site, factory, or anywhere actually. All you have been looking forward to is a nice ice cold beer, or two, or three, and a nice bite to eat. You can almost taste it, as you have been thinking about it, all the way home. You know what I’m talking about right?

You race into the house, kick off your shoes on the run, and slide into the kitchen, and make a really slick stop right in front of the refrigerator. You reach for the handle, and pull…Hmmm, maybe it’s stuck, you pull again, even harder, Uggghhhhh! Nothing, the door just won’t open. You naturally start inspecting around the edge of the refrigerator and you notice some hard, yellowish residue, that looks like it may have dripped from the door seal. You slowly come to the realization that the door’s not stuck at all, OMG!!! some fiend, has glued the door shut. NOoooooo! you yell, as you slowly slide down the refrigerator door, into a crumpled heap on the cool kitchen floor, sobbing softly, and shaking uncontrollably.

The Serial Refrigerator Door Sealer… has struck again. As you slowly come to your senses, you pull out your cell and dial 911. (The 911 call was edited, for the time allotted)

911 – What is your emergency?
You – (sobbing) I just came home and discovered my refrigerator door glued shut
911 – OMG.. What? What is your address? Calm down.
911 – Just stay calm, I have several units rolling, they should be there in less then 5 minutes.
You – Thank you sooooo much, I, I, feel… (You hear sirens just down the street) They are here , Thanks
911 – Your welcome, just hang in there, everything’s going to be OK.

You stagger to the door, still dazed from your ordeal, and open the front door. You can’t believe your eyes…

A sea of flashing lights, maybe 26 in all. There are Police cars, Sheriffs cars, SWAT team, FBI, Fire Department, as well as several unmarked cars and SUV’s. There is a sea of flashing red and blue lights, as far as the eye can see, in front of the house, in the driveway, on the front lawn, parked in the flower beds, everywhere. There’s even two of those news vans with those tall masts up, and camera crews getting ready.

Several officers run up to you and escort you from the front door. Several uniformed officers start shouting questions at once……Many more, rush into the house, guns drawn. The next thing you know everything is turning black, the last thing you remember is sliding down onto the soft grass.

Did I get it about right?  Yes?……..Really?

What the f–k is wrong with you? This absurd news headline was nothing more then a story about a spurned ex, getting even, by going into the house when the woman wasn’t home, and for whatever reason decided to glue her refrigerator door shut, as well as one of the kitchen drawers. The rest of it I just made up. Somehow this made it onto one of the national news sites. (Good for me anyway), Somehow this is NEWS. Hell, in my time, I’ve pulled way better practical jokes then that. Nobody, ever called the Police, and it certainly never made the national NEWS. (At least, not that I am aware of).

Let’s talk about practical jokes for a minute. I am a really, really, good practical joker, I never start it, but if someone else steps over the line…Well, all bets are off. You want to hear about some of my best escapades? I can tell you about a few of my best ones, the statute of limitations was up long, long ago, besides, maybe I just made these up as well. I guess you will have to be the judge of that.

First of all, a good practical joke doe’s not ever, injure anyone, in anyway. Some practical jokes are deadly serious, but the person, or thing on the receiving end gets the point. Some are revenge for a serious wrong.  A well thought out practical joke produces positive, practical results, or as a minimum, makes for a great story.

Here’s a good example of a deadly serious one.  I once lived right next door to a fairly attractive young woman. She was a few years younger then me. I never dated her, or anything like that, not my type at all. She was just a neighbor, that I watched over, to make sure that she was OK. She was a little naive about life.

Anyway, one weekend she had a huge fight with her then boyfriend. Through the wall, I could hear lot’s of yelling, and things being thrown around. The fight seemed to stop, just as fast as it started. This struck me as rather unusual, as she was always very quiet, and the boyfriend seemed to be a nice polite kid.

The next day I saw her outside, and I was horrified by what I saw. She had a black eye, and bruises on her upper arm, in the shape of a hand. She explained she was trying to break up with the guy, and he wasn’t getting the message. This is when I hatched my plan to get rid of the abusive boyfriend, without any trouble.

I found out where the boyfriend lived, acquired a nice velvet ring box and a 357 magnum bullet. I cut out words and letters out of a magazine that spelled out: ” hIT – hER – aGAIN – AND – tHE – nEXT – ONE wONT – cOME – tHROUGH – tHE – MAIL, gO – aWAY – qUIETLY – aND – I – wILL – FORGET aBOUT – tHE – wHOLE – tHING”

Yes, this was just like any of those kidnapping/extortion movies, that’s where I got the idea from. Of course, I made sure there was no fingerprints on anything I touched, just in case. I placed the bullet inside the nice velvet ring box, along with the note. I wrapped it carefully in a nice box,  addressed the package (typed of course), put on the proper postage, and dropped it into one of those old type blue corner mailboxes. Remember those big blue mail drop off boxes?  After about four days, I never saw him again. Problem solved.

Here’s one for revenge. I once lived in this boarding house type building for a few months. It used to be an old collage dorm actually. The landlord/Manager was an absolute a–hole. He had two main rules. No overnight guests, and if the rent was more then 3 days late, you were evicted with no questions asked.. period, end of story.

The rent was actually pretty cheap and I made fairly good money so this was never an issue. Besides, I needed a place to live quickly, due to no fault of my own, and this situation suited my needs perfectly until I found a more permanent solution. This was the dark days long before ATM machines, or direct deposit.

I deposited my paycheck on a Friday near the end of the month at my usual bank, a very large national bank by the way. These were the days when banks were only open between 9:00 AM and 3:00 PM. The exact hours that if you worked a regular 9-5 job, you were forced to deposit your check at lunch time. There was always a long line.

Anyway, I deposited my check on a Friday, and wrote my rent check the following Monday on the first of the month. I dropped my rent check off in the lock box, life was good. On Thursday, of that same week I arrived home to my room, and discovered an envelope slid under my door, with an eviction notice enclosed, stating I had 48 hours to get out, because my rent check had bounced for insufficient funds. The very next day, Friday, I went to the bank armed with my deposit receipt to find out what happened, I had plenty of money to make the rent, and then some, so I had no idea what happened.

It turns out that the bank had deposited my payroll check into someone else’s account by accident. The bank immediately rectified the situation and I had all my money in my account in a matter of minutes. I spoke to the bank manager and explained that I needed a letter from them stating that the bounced check was their fault, so I wouldn’t be evicted. You are not going to believe this, but the bank manager refused, due to potential liability issues. Turns out that I had a friend call me, knowing I needed a place, and his roommate was moving out over the weekend. I moved in there on Sunday.

I wasn’t done with the bank, not yet. Even though everything worked out for the best, I still felt very wronged, all because of the bank’s error. I felt the very least they could have done was to write me a note explaining what happened, and that it was no fault of my own that the rent check bounced. But the bank didn’t feel the same way I did.

For my revenge, I waited for several weeks. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. I had a safety deposit box at the bank that I got free when I opened my account. I used to keep valuables like jewelry, my birth certificate, emergency cash, etc. in the box. Banks have this elaborate protocol to access your safety deposit box. For those of you who don’t know, there are two different keys, the bank has one, you have the other.

The safety deposit box is inside a vault. You used to tell the bank employee your safety deposit box number, and show identification. The person at the bank would use their key to open open one of the locks on the locking panel located on this huge wall of safety deposit boxes, and I used my key to open the other lock. She opened the vault panel, and I removed my safety deposit box, and place it upon a table. The bank employee would then leave to give you some privacy. You get the idea right.

Anyway, for my revenge, I purchased a really nice fresh trout at the fish market down the street, it was like two pounds. I had it inside a bag, placed inside the inner pocket of my coat. I accessed my safety deposit box, as I described above. I emptied everything out of my safety deposit box, and placed everything inside my pockets. I took the fresh trout out of the bag, and placed it inside the safety deposit box. I closed the box. I pushed the button to summon the bank employee. I placed my fish laden safety deposit box back into the armored slot, which it came from, I turned my key in the lock and removed it, and she did the same thing with her key. I wished her a nice day and left the bank.

I only had about $32.00 or so left in my checking account which I left there, and never went back. I immediately opened up another checking and savings account at another bank, a community bank this time, located just down the street, and banked with them from then on. Trust me, they were a lot nicer to me anyway.

I figure that it was about three days or so, before the fish that I placed inside my safety deposit box really started to get odoriferous. I am pretty sure that the smell just got worse over the next couple of weeks thereafter.

Keep in mind it takes a court order to open someones safety deposit box. So, it’s not like they could really do much about it. Besides there was like 500 safety deposit boxes inside this vault area anyway. Which one smelled like rotting fish???  I never heard anything from them, not ever. I never went back to that bank, and I moved out of State about a year or so later. To this day I still refuse to do any business with this big bank for anything, not then, not now, not ever.

Now, just a good ol’ practical joke. I once had a room mate For this purpose let’s just say his name was John. (The name was changed to protect the ignorant). We rented the 2nd floor of this house in the Northeast. The house had two bedrooms directly across the hall from each other, it had a really large living room, a nice sized kitchen and a full bathroom. This was one of of those houses that had a set of pull down stairs in the ceiling of the hallway, leading to the attic where you could store boxes or stuff like that.

I collected unusual, eclectic type things, as a matter of fact I still do. Anyway, John worked nights and I worked days. One Friday evening, I was sitting in my room with the door open and I was dusting some of the unusual things in my room. I was in the middle of dusting my Ouija Board, then John came home from work. John stopped at my room to talk and noticed the Ouija Board. John freaked out, and started lecturing me, on how those things bring evil into the house, and I need to get rid of it right away. John actually believed that crap. I just laughed him off and John went into his room and shut his door. It started me thinking though.

The next day was Saturday. As soon as I heard John coming up the stairs, I grabbed the Ouija Board and started pretending like I was using it. Once again, John freaked out, and stormed into his room, slamming the door behind him. This was when I dreamed up the worlds greatest practical joke.

Monday, at lunch time, I went to the hardware store and bought a roll of fishing line, a heavy lead fishing weight, and several small screw in eye hooks. After work I went into my room, and poked a small hole into my ceiling with an ice pick, in a spot against the wall, in the corner. Next, I pushed the fishing line into the small hole, up into the attic.I went up into the attic, and pulled the line through. I placed the small eye hooks into the roof rafters all the way across the hallway and ended up right over John’s bedroom to a spot directly over his bed. I threaded the fishing line through the eye hooks, and attached the lead weight on the end.

Now, try to picture this. I had the fishing line, with the weight attached on the end, so I could bounce it on one of the ceiling joists directly above John’s bed. When I pulled on the fishing line in my room I could bounce the lead weight on the ceiling joist, directly over Jacks bed. This would make a fairly loud thumping noise.

The next evening, when Jack came home from work, the first thing he asked was if I had gotten rid of the Ouija Board. I told him of course not, and accused him of being childish and superstitious. He was really pissed, and went into his room to watch TV. I waited like two hours until I could see his bedroom light go off, I could see the light from the crack under John’s door.

I waited an extra half hour or so. Then I placed my plan into action. I pulled on the fishing line three times. Thump, Thump, Thump. It wasn’t more then 30 seconds later that, John flipped his light on, and threw open his door, he opened my door and flipped the light on. I was pretending like I was asleep. John, kept asking me if I heard that noise? I pretended like I didn’t hear anything, and he was most likely imagining things. I kept insisting that he forget it, and go back to bed.  John even checked the attic, but he didn’t see anything. He eventually went back to bed.

I did this regularly, John would start sleeping on the couch in the living room. To make a long story short, I did it so often that John started sleeping in the living room, on the couch every night. He did that everyday for like three months  before I finally told him it was me and showed him the fishing line and the weight.  He was pissed at first, but he got over it fairly quickly. He did even admit that he was being really foolish believing in bumps in the night.

The moral to this story is simple, remember  the absurd headline at the top of this story, “Pennsylvania Man Broke Into Ex’s Home, Glued Refrigerator Shut”. This is most likely only half the story, or even less then half. The ex was ultimately charged with criminal mischief.

I am not even sure what criminal mischief is. Since when is mischief a crime anyway? Hell, in my much younger days, that could have been me. The only thing I do know for sure, is that the other convicts would most likely laugh at him. If this guy was smart, he would tell his jail house friends, that he did something else more respectable.

As John Housman used to say at the beginning of the old TV series, Tales of The Unexpected. “A wise man believes only in lies, trusts only the absurd, and expects the unexpected”.

Man Kicked Out Of Darts Tournament For Looking Like Jesus
This actually happened, let me tell you all about it. So, here’s what really happened on that fateful day, not long ago. I actually made it through to the final round of a major darts tournament, I had a real shot at winning the big $25,000.00 first place, cash prize. I had been practicing diligently, everyday for months. If you don’t believe me just check out the wall of my living room, near my regulation tournament dart board, it has the battle scars to prove it. You know what I am talking about, all those little holes in the wall around the dart board from all those missed shots.

The big tournament day was finally here, I actually felt pretty damn good, I hadn’t made a new hole in the living room wall in months, and my games been spot on, for several weeks, through round, after qualifying round. The big prize money was mine. I really felt confident, and relaxed.

I strolled down to the tournament early, signed-in, and hit the bar to grab a beer. As I sat at the bar eyeing the final competitors, I actually allowed myself to dream about all the things I could do, with all that money.

Suddenly, I started hearing this rhythmic chanting from near the front door, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,  everybody started staring towards the door, and craning their necks to see, people even started standing upon their chairs, and tables to to get better look. The chanting continued – Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Suddenly, there’s a commotion, and the crowd parts, just like the Red Sea, and there he is, Jesus himself, gliding towards the sign-in table. Jesus, signs in. WTF, A million thoughts start running through my head, How in the hell am I going to possibly beat Jesus at darts? …What doe’s Jesus need the $25,000.00 prize money for anyway? …Did Jesus invent darts? …Maybe, I wouldn’t want to win, maybe, just maybe, Jesus is a sore loser, and might turn me into a pillar of salt, or something worse.

If I did win, did that mean I was more powerful then the Son of God? Jesus, slowly turns, looks up, and stares straight at me, Jesus holds up, and points to his solid gold, custom dart case. The case is engraved with angels and trumpets, all heralding the power, and glory of God.

At that exact moment, I realized that my dreams of winning the $25,000.00 prize money are now totally shattered. This was so not fair.

Jesus, glides up to the bar, just opposite from me, dressed in his usual long robes, and really cool, hand made sandals, on his feet. Jesus’s long flowing brown hair is perfect, and shiny. I thought to myself, I wonder what shampoo and conditioner he uses, and where could I get a pair of those really cool sandals, they have got to be far more comfortable than these cheap shoes, I wear all the time.

Every eye in the place was upon Jesus, as he asked the bartender for a glass of water. The disinterested bartender, Ernie, hands over a glass of water to Jesus. The moment Jesus’s hand touches the glass, the water, instantly turns into wine, red wine, to be exact. With a satisfied smirk, Jesus lifts the glass, and takes a sip. Jesus smiles, for he knows that it is good.

The chanting starts again, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Suddenly, above the raised voices of the chanting crowd, The Bartender, Ernie, can be clearly heard saying; “Hey Buddy, If your going to do that, the waters not complementary, I got a business to run”.

Jesus, and his considerable entourage, start heading my way around the bar.
Jesus, still holding the water glass, now filled with red wine.
I decide that I am not dealing with this, and turn back towards the bar.  I continue to slowly sip my beer. I can sense, and feel, that Jesus has stopped directly behind me, that and the fact, that his entire entourage, has also seemed to have stopped as well.

I attempt to just ignore Jesus, and not even bother to turn around. Hopefully, Jesus will just go away. I am in no mood to talk to Jesus, as I am still conflicted on exactly what strategy I am going to use, to hopefully win the entire tournament, and the $25,000.00 first prize. I like to just be alone, to reflect and relax.

You are not going to believe what happened…You should be sitting down, before reading what happens next.

Jesus, now standing directly behind me, started trash talking me. That’s right trash talk, stuff like; Hey Punk! think you can beat me? You scared?  you should be. You think you are the best, well maybe you are, that is until I got here sucker, Don’t turn your back on Jesus, You want to make a wager, I will even spot you a few points. On and on, and on.

I slowly turn around in my bar stool. I am now face to face with Jesus. What kind of talk is that, Jesus? Your father would be so proud of his only son. (Hey what can I say, that’s all I could think, of on a moments notice.) The room suddenly became deathly silent, you could hear a pin drop. Jesus just stood there a minute, then laughed, laughed really loud, and confidently, his entourage also laughed, Jesus clapped me on the shoulder, and without another word, turned, and walked away, towards the arena, where the tournament would soon be held. His entire entourage followed, and just glared at me as they passed.

As I sat there watching Jesus, and his now even larger entourage walk away.
I watched Jesus perform a few small miracles as he made his way to the arena.
As far as I could tell, these miracles were nothing big, you know, simple stuff like placing his hand on top of a bald guys head, and he grew hair, placing his hand over that woman’s mouth, that had no teeth, and bam! she now had a perfect set of pearly white teeth, or the guy with the thick coke bottle glasses that made his eyes look the size of golf balls, I doubt this guy had ever had a date in his entire life. Jesus walked over to him, pulled off his glasses, spoke softly to him, and just like that, he had perfect 20/20 vision.

Finally the young divorcee, whose sleazeball of a husband left her for another woman, just because she had breast cancer, and had to have a double mastectomy, her insurance would not pay for re-constructive breast surgery. Jesus walked over to her, placed his hands upon her chest, and Bam! she suddenly had the most perfect set of breasts the world had ever seen. I know this for fact, because she proceeded to skip around the bar, lifting up her shirt, and showing literally everyone. Every miracle that Jesus performed there would be another polite round of quiet applause, and another round of chants. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

I am no fool, I knew exactly what Jesus was doing, he was just trying to psych me out, and intimidate me, and  the other finalists as well. I have no doubt that if there had been a pool of water in his path, he would have walked on it, just to make a point. Well, Jesus’s plan must have worked, every one of the other finalists, suddenly dropped out of the tournament. It was now just down to two, Me, and Jesus.

I had already resolved that I was not going to be intimidated by Jesus, or anyone else. I decided that I was going to play to the very best of my abilities, I was going to play darts just like my life depended upon it. Who knows, maybe it did.

Jesus, and his continually growing entourage, proceeded to walk towards the dart competition area, and finally disappeared into the main arena.  Me, on the other hand, still sat at the bar, ordered another beer, and waited. It’s funny everyone seemed to avoid me, kind of like a dead man walking. The ultra cheap bartender, Ernie, even bought me the next beer. In three years, Ernie, had never, ever, bought me a free round, not even on my birthday.

After about 45 minutes or so, I heard myself being paged over the PA system, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, the tournament will begin in ten minutes, please report to the main arena. I downed the last of my beer, picked up my case of darts, and headed to the arena.

As I strolled towards the arena, I noticed off in a cozy corner, the guy that formally had the coke bottle glasses, and the woman with the new spectacular boobs. They were holding hands, and staring into each others eyes. I remember thinking that they made a good looking couple. I really hoped it worked out, for both of them.

As I headed towards the arena, I began to hear the chants of, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  As I got closer the chants grew louder, and louder still, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

As I entered the arena, I was greeted with close to 4,500 people chanting, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. This chanting went on for some time.

Finally, after the crowd refused to stop chanting, and after being admonished by the judges, and security officials, several times, the security officials fearing a  major disruption to the entire final competition, deliberated and made a decision.

The security officials, disqualified, and removed Jesus from the final tournament.
After all rules are rules. Evidently, divine intervention really doe’s happen, as I won the tournament, and the $25,000.00 cash prize, by default. I never threw a single dart, not even one.

OK, for those of you who are just about to pick up the phone, and call your spouse, all of your friends, and family, and exclaim; “Check this out, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, played a dart tournament with Jesus, yes, Jesus, and guess what, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy actually won”.

Whoa, whoa,…Hold your horses, hang up that phone. Seriously, hang it up right now.

I have a confession to make, I just made the whole thing up. In reality, some guy, who had just grown his hair, beard, and mustache, for a few months, and coincidentally looked exactly like the famous painting of Jesus, was kicked out of a darts final tournament, because close to 4,500 people in the crowd would not stop chanting, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Seriously, nobody, anywhere, would actually believe that Jesus would walk into a bar, turn water into wine, trash talk a competitor,  and perform some cheap miracles, just to impress a bunch of drunken fools, because, that my friends, would be totally absurd.

As for me, actually playing darts? There is only one way to describe my dart throwing ability, basically, I SUCK AT DARTS!

The only miracle would be, if after throwing a dart, I was able to avoid seriously injuring innocent bystanders.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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