Man Makes Horrifying Discovery About His Poodle! This incident actually did not happen in the great weird State of Florida. You better sit down for this one. There are dumba–‘es and then there are “DUMBA–‘ES”.  Apparently,  An Argentinian bazaar salesman (This should have been this idiot’s first red flag) is passing off Ferrets on steroids as Toy Poodles — and people ACTUALLY believe them. You heard me right,  they are selling steroid injected Giant Weasels and passing them off to unsuspecting idiots as Toy Poodles and Chihuahua’s.  Well, in reality I could see mistaking some other species as a Chihuahua, because Chihuahua’s aren’t really real Dogs anyway. If you have ever seen a Chihuahua then you know exactly what I mean.

In case you haven’t seen one of these little demons, the picture below is of a typical demon chihuahua. I actually believe that Chihuahua’s are some sort of alien species that was purposely exiled on Earth.

Anyway, If you can’t tell a Giant Weasel from a real Dog then you shouldn’t be owning a Dog anyway. THEY LOOK ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALIKE!!!

Apparently, some of you need a refresher course on how to tell the difference between a small Dog and a Giant Weasel.  So lets begin with a picture.

OK, take a look at the picture above, examine it very carefully. It’s OK, I can wait, take all the time you need.  So, which animal is a Toy Poodle (Dog) and which one is a Giant Weasel?

For those of you who guessed correctly the picture on the left was a Toy Poodle, you are correct, and consider yourselves  receiving a shiny gold star. For those of you who thought the picture on the right was a Dog, well you were wrong. The picture on the right is a Giant Weasel groomed to look like some bizarre new species, as it certainly doe’s not look anything like a real Dog. For those of you who actually thought that this was a Dog, you better grab a pad of paper and a pen, because you will certainly need to take notes for the rest of this story.

First let’s talk about Dogs.

Per wikipedia, “Domestic Dogs have been selectively bred for millennia for various behaviors, sensory capabilities, and physical attributes. Modern Dog breeds show more variation in size, appearance, and behavior than any other domestic animal. Nevertheless, their morphology is based on that of their wild ancestors, Gray Wolves.  Dogs are predators and scavengers, and like many other predatory mammals, the Dog has powerful muscles, fused wrist bones, a cardiovascular system that supports both sprinting and endurance, and teeth for catching and tearing.

Dogs are highly variable in height and weight. The smallest known adult Dog was a Yorkshire Terrier, that stood only 6.3 cm (2.5 in) at the shoulder, 9.5 cm (3.7 in) in length along the head-and-body, and weighed only 113 grams (4.0 oz). The largest known dog was an English Mastiff which weighed 155.6 kg (343 lb) and was 250 cm (98 in) from the snout to the tail. The tallest Dog is a Great Dane that stands 106.7 cm (42.0 in) at the shoulder.

The Dog is the most vocal canine and is unique in its tendency to bark in a myriad of situations. Barking appears to have little more communication functions than excitement, fighting, the presence of a human, or simply because other Dogs are barking. Subtler signs such as discreet bodily and facial movements, body odors, whines, yelps, and growls are the main sources of actual communication.The majority of these subtle communication techniques are employed at a close proximity to another, but for long-range communication only barking and howling are employed.

So as we can see, the description of a Dog is pretty clear. The real give away is, all Dogs BARK!!! Is there any human being on the planet that doesn’t know this? Even if you don’t own a Dog personally, I would be willing to bet your neighbor doe’s,  or you have at least seen and heard one on TV. Do you mean to tell me that you have never, ever, been annoyed by a neighbor’s barking Dog?

Now let’s talk about Weasels .

Weasels or Ferrets have a long and slender body covered with brown, black, white, or mixed fur … Average length is 20 inches including a 5-inch tail. They weigh 1.5 to 4 pounds, with males substantially larger than females.

Weasels and Ferrets have many forms of verbal communication. A soft clucking noise, referred to as “dooking”,when playing or an expression of excitement. They will ‘screech’ as a sign of terror, pain, or anger.

 So aside from the obvious differences in the species by the two photographs above, Dogs and Weasels do not look anything alike, and the most important fact we learned is Dogs bark. Seriously, everyone should know this.  Besides Dogs have been socialized around humans for thousands of years. Dogs play, Dogs fetch a ball or stick. Dogs are great companions and are really, really smart.

Weasels on the other hand are nocturnal and steal bright shiny objects and take them back to their nests. Weasels don’t play fetch or make any noises that even remotely sound like a Dog.  Weasels don’t even remotely move like a Dog.  Besides, Weasels have scent glands, and frankly, they stink. (And I am not talking about that wet Dog smell either, I am talking about a real stink).

This f–king moron bought his imitation Toy Poodles at an outdoor market for $150.00, each.  He actually bought two of the fake Dogs from the street vendor. Hey dude, If you need a bridge I have one, real cheap, contact me.  This idiot was still clueless, until he took the “Toy Poodles” he bought  to a veterinarian, only to find that our they were actually a Giant Weasels.

I am unequivocally stating right now, that if you cannot tell the difference between a Dog and a Weasel at a quick casual glance, then you should under no circumstance be allowed to own a Dog. If after doing your homework and are ready to own a Dog, the UK Daily Mail has put together a handy list for morons like you to take with you on your next shopping trip for your new canine companion.

• Ferrets typically have brown, white or mixed fur and are around 51 cm in length—which includes a 13 cm tail.
• They weigh around three pounds and have a lifespan of 7 to 10 years.
• When happy, ferrets may perform a routine known as the weasel war dance—which is characterized by a series of hops and frenzied attempts to bump into things.
• This is often accompanied by a soft clucking noise called dooking. When upset ferrets make a hissing noise.
• Toy poodles are known for their intelligence and are around 25 cm tall and weigh around nine pounds.
• If a toy poodle exceeds 25 cm height, it cannot compete in any dog show as a toy poodle.
• Toy poodles have long lifespans and have been known to live as long as 20 years.
• Toy poodles are described as sweet, cheerful and perky and lively and love to be around people.

In closing, I strongly suggest you purchase your next Dog (or Ferret) from an animal shelter and not from some stranger at an open air market.  For God’s sake, at least know what species of animal you are adopting. That is unless you want to be the laughing stock of the entire on-line world as well as all of your friends, family and neighbors.

You know, I would be willing to bet this morons friends, family and neighbors knew damn well that these weren’t actually real Dogs and just decided to keep this little tidbit of information to themselves, because it was  obviously way funnier for him to find out this horrifying fact for himself.  I know if I were them, I would.  Hell, this is one of those great stories that you end up telling over, and over, to your kids and grand-kids.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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