Obama Tapped My Wires And So Much More
Damn you, Obama why are you doing this to me? and to think, I actually voted for you twice.
I was talking on my cellphone a few days ago and I heard some weird clicking noises. Wouldn’t you know, It was Obama tapping my phone!
Later in the afternoon that very same day, I went online and checked my bank balance, There was a lot less money than I expected, WTF…It was Obama!
The next morning, Monday, a work day for me. I stopped at the only gas station in town that is open a 5:00 AM, and much to my dismay I found out they were out of regular gas. Evidently, Obama had shown up just before me with a tanker truck and bought up all the regular gas they had. Damn you, Obama! Luckily, I had enough gas to get to work. Damn you, Obama!
During my 65 mile trek to work, there was a huge traffic backup. I finally got to the car directly ahead of me, who was driving like 15 miles below the speed limit, during morning rush hour and was desperately trying to pass this slow driver with Illinois plates. I assumed that it was one of the elderly snowbirds here in Florida which are the bane of my existence between Thanksgiving and Easter.
I finally got my opening. I hit the gas and here I go. I looked over and who do you think I saw? It was Obama!
At this point, I was really starting to get freaked out. My drive home was pretty uneventful. I got gas for the ride home, and everything was great. No problems whatsoever. Evidently, Obama has to sleep sometimes, so everything went smoothly.
I arrived home in good time.
Upon arriving at the house, I came inside greeted Homer, the dog and the cat, Isabella, you know the usual. I then noticed that the bedroom door was open. That’s weird, I thought. I went into the bedroom and saw much to my dismay that the bed was messed up. Homer, the dog denied any knowledge of it. So obviously, it was Obama!
I went into the bathroom and the toilet seat was left up, Damn you, Obama now you’re just fucking with me!
Obama continued to mess with me for several more days and every time, I knew that it was Obama!
I know that this sounds totally absurd, right? and you know what, it is. Obama never did any of these things, at least not that I know of.
My point is, this is equally absurd, no matter who says it. You could be a story teller like myself, an uninformed citizen, or The President of the United States.
I can do the same sort of thing to Homer, the dog, every day, just by saying “squirrel”. Homer shoots out of the house, as fast as his little legs can carry him, goes outside, and starts barking like a lunatic, looking for the ever elusive squirrel. Even though Homer has zero evidence that there is actually a squirrel out there, he believes it every time I say it.
Homer
Homer, literally falls for it every single time!
Don’t be like Homer, the dog!
SQUIRREL!
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This essay loosely based on “actual news events” is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
The Karma Files: Miami Lawyer’s Pants Burst Into Flames During Absurd Defense At Arson Trial
By Tom Dye
On March 10, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida
The Karma Files: Miami Lawyer’s Pants Burst Into Flames During Absurd Defense At Arson Trial!
This news story literally begged me, no DEMANDED that I take immediate action. It shouted my name from the rooftops and literally slapped me in the face to get my attention. Well, you have my full undivided attention now!
Not only is this story totally absurd, but as extra bonus points, it happened right here in my home State of Florida. You seriously can’t make this stuff up. Sit back with an ice-cold beer, or other adult beverage of your choice, and grab some snacks and enjoy.
Karma really is a bitch. But, she’s a bitch with an amazing sense of humour, and a solid sense of justice. That’s why I love her so much.
On Wednesday, March 8, 2017, A Lawyer, Stephen Gutierrez, a Miami defence attorney was representing a client in a Miami, Florida on a charge of arson.
Stephen Gutierrez
Attorney Gutierrez was representing his client, Mr. Claudy Charles, who was accused of intentionally setting his car on fire. Attorney Gutierrez just started his closing argument that Claudy Charles’ car was actually a case of “spontaneous combustion” Seriously, that was his defence for his client.
For those of you who are not familiar with the term, “Spontaneous Combustion” is defined as: the ignition of a substance or body from the rapid oxidation of its own constituents without heat from any external source.
To distill it down to its most basic essence, Attorney Gutierrez was actually arguing that his client’s vehicle was not intentionally set on fire, as the prosecution had claimed, but that Claudy Charles vehicle had actually just spontaneous combusted, on its own accord, for no apparent reason, or mechanical failure.
It was literally at this very moment when Attorney Gutierrez was delivering his absurd defence in his closing arguments to the jury when his right front pocket of his pants started smoking, and suddenly burst into flames. Talk about a pants-on-fire, lying attorney.
I certainly hope that Claudy Charles did not pay very much or anything, for this absurd defence, as he certainly didn’t get very much for his money.
I mean seriously, Attorney Gutierrez did not even attempt to argue that the Prosecution did not prove reasonable doubt, or present any technical evidence of a mechanical malfunction, OH NO! went straight to spontaneous combustion. Is this the guy you want representing you in a serious criminal case?
According to Attorney Gutierrez, the fire was caused because he had not one, but three, spare batteries for his e-cigarette in his front pocket. Wow! he must be a really, really, heavy smoker.
This is total bullshit!
Let me tell what really happened here. This was a typical case of Karma directly intervening just because Stephen Gutierrez deserved it. After all, what goe’s around, comes around. Or has the early Christians believed, “You shall Reap what You shall sow”
Here’s how I see what really happened.
I can imagine how Karma and several of the other Gods were watching the entire proceedings, as well as Stephen Gutierrez’s absurd defence of his client. As the Gods were watching in stunned disbelief, Karma formulated a plan. Knowing that this would only end badly, Karma decided to take direct action.
As Attorney Gutierrez was delivering his closing absurd defence, Karma decided that if Stephen Gutierrez wanted to play with fire, she would make sure that he would get burned.
And thus in the blink of an eye, while delivering an absurd defence and closing argument to the jury citing spontaneous combustion as a legal defence for arson, Attorney Gutierrez’s pants spontaneously combusted.
Unfortunately, Claudy Charles was convicted anyway by the jury of second-degree arson. I’m not an Attorney, nut this seems like a good case for appeal.
Somehow, I believe that Karma isn’t finished with Attorney Gutierrez just yet.
After all, What Goe’s Around, Comes Around! Karma is always watching and waiting. Karma can be a bitch, but I love her.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is original satire, and news commentary, by: Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.. This article is loosely based on actual events. The names have not been changed, to protect the dumbass involved. This article contains loose references, (OK, very loose facts) that may, or may not, coincide with actual events.
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