PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Tales of the Absurd Page 18 of 32

Man Who Had Sex With Horse Was Trying To Make It Have A Baby

Man Who Had Sex With Horse Was Trying To Make It Have A Baby, Whoa..What the f–k is wrong with people? No, I take that back, people don’t do this sort of thing. This dude is a f–king freak of nature. On top of that he has committed crimes against nature. I am actually at a loss for words, so this one may be a little shorter then usual.

Most of the most absurd stories I write were inspired by events that happened in the great weird State of Florida.  This bizarre story, did not occur in Florida, it happened in the State of Texas. This story is even too bizarre for the great State of Florida.

So, as the story goes, this candidate for the “Darwin Awards” decided that since his girlfriend didn’t call at a certain time, he was going to go next door and have sex with the neighbors horse. The girlfriend didn’t call. Evidently, the girlfriend in this story was the only reasonably intelligent one in this whole sordid affair. Maybe, she knew of his propensity  to have sex with animals, or maybe she became suspicious because her boyfriend had unexplained horse hairs on his clothing. Or, most likely she got new glasses and saw this dimwit clearly for the first time. Whatever the case may be, I am certain that she has broken up with horseman by now.

According to dips–ts own statement to the police, which I have conveniently provided a copy of below, this animal perv proceeded to go to the next door neighbors house, to carry out his diabolical plan to create a horseman.

Actual Police Report

I am going to skip over the part about the mechanics of his having sex with a horse. This is something that I don’t even want to think about. However, this crazy dimwit had deluded himself into thinking that the horse must have liked it, because it just stood there. I find it far more likely the the poor horse was just so stunned, it was frozen in fear. Seriously, what would you do if some totally different species of animal decided to have sex with you, in the dark, with the intent on creating a bizarre inter-species animal hybrid genetic freak?

Didn’t this guy go to school or ever watch any kind of TV? everyone knows that there is no such thing as inter-species animal hybrids  unless they were almost genetically similar anyway. What I mean is there will never be a horse-man baby, not now, not ever.

Oh my God! I just thought of something. This is an even more horrifying  thought. Maybe he was trying to recreate the warrior class beast from ancient Greek mythology, the Centaur. What the f–k was this freak thinking. This is the last thing we need reintroduced into modern society. For those of you who are not familiar with Greek mythology, a Centaur was half man, and half horse. They have the body of a horse but, in place of the horse’s head the have the torso, head and arms of a man. Most are wild and savage, known for lustfulness and drunkenness. The exception is the wise Centaur Chiron.

Do you think it is possible this is some sort of convoluted evil plan that this dimwit was trying to pull off, to actually recreate a beast straight out of ancient Greek mythology? Na, this f–king idiot doesn’t have the intelligence to even think of any kind of plan, none the less, an evil plan.

In reality, I actually feel the most sorry for this dimwits girlfriend, she is the one who is going to have to live with having dated a guy who f–ks horses. Can you imagine the horror, and humiliation, she felt upon on finding something like this out. To makes matters worse, much worse, he was arrested, and published, in the NEWS. Not to mention it gave me something really absurd to write about as well.

This poor girl who I am certain knew absolutely nothing about this idiot’s propensity to have sex with horses. I can imagine, that the next morning after learning the horrifying news that her boyfriend was arrested for having sex with a horse, this poor girl opens the front door to her house to discover a sea of reporters and NEWS people on her front lawn, all waiting for a statement. My advice to the poor girlfriend is to disguise herself and leave, find somewhere else to start a new life where nobody knows about your ex-boyfriends crimes against nature.

We all know how the NEWS works. Somehow some reporter somewhere, most likely from FOX NEWS will somehow blame the girlfriend. After all it must have been her fault right? If she would have called or came over this entire horrendous crime against nature wouldn’t have happened right? Don’t get me wrong, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, is not saying this, and I never would. Although, I am pretty sure some that one of the right-wing-nut reporters will.

Important Safety Tip: Don’t have sex with animals.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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PARANORMAL THEFT Woman Accuses Ghost Of Stealing Her Resume

PARANORMAL THEFT: Woman Accuses Ghost Of Stealing Her Resume?  I actually sympathize with this woman. I have seen a lot of s–t in my life, and some of it has been very weird indeed. I have always said that I could live with a ghost. However, I cannot deal with some invisible specter, either touching me, or stealing my stuff.  Taking my resume would definitely qualify as stealing my stuff.

Of course, this brings up the obvious question, why would a ghost steal her resume? What would a ghost need a resume for anyway? I believe it could be that the ghost wants to see where she works, so the invisible thief can haunt her at work, as well as home. Or it could be that this woman just misplaced it and blamed her short term memory loss on her ghost. Naaa, it must be the ghost.

I have some ghost stories, some unexplained paranormal phenomenon, if you prefer. First of all, let me start by saying, that I do not attribute ghosts as being dead people, evil minions of Satan, a sign from God, or whatever. As far as I know, a ghost could be from another dimension that is close to ours, a parallel universe,  or something else entirely.

A ghost could be a dead persons echo or maybe the conscious lives on after death, I have no idea. I do however know that of the basic laws of physics states, that energy cannot be destroyed. Basically, a living thing is composed of ordered patterns of electrical energy all the way down to the atomic level. If a living thing dies this energy does not disappear, it keeps existing, dispersing through the universe.  Anyway, my point is, I have no way of knowing for sure, so I do not put any more emphasis on one theory, over another. It is what it is, and I have no way of knowing for sure.

The one thing I am sure of is paranormal phenomenon are not audible or visual hallucinations, at least not for me. In one of my unusual experiences, had a witness, who also saw the entire thing. Let me tell you all about it.

When my sister and I, were much younger, I don’t mean really young kid’s, I mean, we were  aged something like, between 8 and 13 years old. We lived in sunny Southern California.

We lived in one of those typical 3 bedroom, stucco, tract homes. You know the kind I mean. Anyway, My sister and I were sitting on the steps outside the back door of the house leading into the backyard. Our back yard was one of those typical tract home sized backyards, and it was a nice warm early evening. Me and my sister, were having an ice creme cone, soda, or something like that, I can’t remember exactly. So, we were sitting on the steps, in the early evening, doing whatever, when suddenly, we both saw something unexplained.

From the back of the backyard, on top the wooden stockade fence, we both saw a ghostly cat. Yes, a cat, a typical house cat, to be exact. Now this cat was obviously not a typical cat, as we know it. Imagine an exact image of a typical cat, except this cat was composed of something that was not a solid material. This cat looked like a cat composed entirely of smoke or fog. You could easily determine it was a cat, except this was not a solid regular breathing cat. Do you know what I mean?

This cat, whom we both watched, absolutely fascinated, and transfixed both of us. This specter started walking across the top of the fence from left to right, at a leisurely, regular cat, walking speed.  We are only talking about a distance of 25 feet or so, and the entire backyard was illuminated by the flood lights, mounted on the side of the garage. The memorable thing was we weren’t even scared while it was happening, it was more fascinating then scary, at least the few seconds while it was happening. The spectral cat walked all the way across the yard on top of the fence, and even stopped a few feet from the garage. My sister and me, both looked at each, other for confirmation that this was actually happening.

When we looked back towards the backyard, the spectral cat was still there. The cat started walking across the fence again, and kept going, until it got to the area behind the garage, and disappeared from our point of view. This then got way too freaky, and we both, high-tailed it into the house.

The funny thing is we had a black & white cat, Boots, who died, sometime before this incident. Boots, the cat, used to walk across the top of the fence like that. We both assumed that the spectral image was the ghost of Boots. Obviously, I have no way of knowing for sure, it could be any cat, for all I know. After all, walking across the top of a stockade fence, is certainly not an unusual activity, for any domestic cat.

I have had several interesting experiences after this incident, including hearing foot steps, doors closing unexpectedly, and seeing spectral images of people.  You know the usual stuff. However, I have never, ever, had any sort of spectral image, or paranormal phenomena touch me, as that would just be too creepy, or take any of my possessions. I am of the age where life is hectic sometimes, that I prefer to believe that I just assume that I misplaced it. This is usually the typical case, as I find said misplaced item later, almost always, when I am not actually looking for it. If this is not happening to you now, it will later in life, trust me.

The more I think about it, this poor woman, who told the cops, that a ghost pilfered her resume was most likely mistaken. She probably can’t face fact that she just misplaced it, and was too embarrassed to admit it. The dead giveaway (no pun intended) for me was, she had to place a value on her resume for the cops.

For those of you who don’t know, if something is stolen from you, and you call the Police, you have to base an estimate of value, for each item stolen. This woman valued her stolen resume, printed on regular paper mind you, at $5,000.00 dollars. That’s right, $5,000.00 for a resume, that you could just print out another copy at anytime. $5,000.00 f–king dollars, for a resume that was not printed on, jewel encrusted, gold leaf parchment, having been transcribed by Italian Monks, in a monastery, that can only be reached, by small boat, two and a half months of the year.

I wouldn’t pay $5,000.00, for the double super-secret, resume of one of the most secretive CEO’s of big business, anywhere in the world. That’s five thousand United States Dollars, for 2 or 3 pieces of standard white office paper, printed in black ink. There has to be another digital backup copy somewhere. Unless this was hand written, and illustrated, by the late Salvador Dali, or hand illustrated, by monks, this resume of her’s, has virtually no monetary value. Hell, I would even be willing to send her $3.00 cash, so she could have another copy printed, at the most expensive print shop in her town, or city, anywhere in the USA.

$5,000.00, Yeah right! I think she should have thought of something else, something that we could actually believe. Too bad, the damage is already done.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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The Horror Of Champagne Cork Injuries (It Can Happen To You)

The Horror Of Champagne Cork Injuries (It Can Happen To You) Enough is enough! When are we finally going to do something about the thousands of people killed, and injured, every year, especially New Years Eve, from these deadly champagne cork shootings. How many innocent people have to die before the public, and our elected officials, finally act to stop these senseless tragedies?

It is long established constitutional law regarding every American’s right to possess champagne. However, I believe that this right does not extend to military grade, or cheap foreign imports of champagne that plague American society from our inner cities, to rural small towns. In most States it is perfectly legal to carry a concealed, and loaded, champagne bottle, on your person everywhere you go.

Part of the problem of champagne violence plaguing America is because it is very easy to purchase. There are numerous stores in virtually every city that high powered champagne can be purchased by anyone over the age of 21 without any sort of  background check or waiting period. A simple State issued identification card or drivers license is all that is usually required.

This entire process for the purchase of, and possession, of high powered champagne, is flawed because it allows mentally unstable persons, as well as convicted felons, to purchase high powered, and fully loaded champagne, without any fear of being caught. None of the fifty States require you to register your loaded champagne, or restrict the firing of deadly champagne corks anywhere except in public spaces clearly marked by signage forbidding it.

Champagne comes in all sizes, or calibers. The standard “civilian calibers” range from the easily concealable .1875 caliber bottle, commonly referred to as a “Snipe” to .375 and .750 caliber, half and full sized bottles. All three of these standard sizes pack a single shot champagne cork, and all can be lethal from fairly close range for the .1875 caliber “Snipe”, to the medium and long range killing power of the .375 and .750 caliber sizes.

There are larger caliber “Military Grade” champagne’s designed to kill or maim people from very great distances. These include the 1.5 caliber “Magnum” all the way up to the very long range 30.0 caliber “King of Salem”  long distance heavy artillery. Military caliber champagnes have been known to explode spontaneously, if not stored in the proper conditions.

There are those groups that argue civilians also have to constitutional right to possess Military Grade, high caliber, champagne’s as well. These groups are very misguided as these military grade high caliber sizes are not designed for self defense, hunting, target practice, or any other legitimate purposes. These military calibers were only designed for one thing, killing people, and be used specifically in battlefield conditions. These military caliber champagnes are of no use to civilians, and have been used in some of the highest profile crimes against innocent people, including women and children.

All champagne calibers are single shot, one time use weapons. However, there is a difference in the corks used for all calibers. There is the standard cork, found moistly in civilian calibers, as well as the plastic champagne cork, used mostly in military calibers. The plastic military grade champagne cork is far more lethal, and easily penetrates, most body armor.

After the most recent News Years Eve tragedies, now is the time to have a thoughtful discussion as a nation and civilized society  regarding sensible regulations for champagne, and champagne corks, to prevent these senseless injuries and deaths caused my mentally unstable individuals, as well as convicted felons.

Call, write, or email your Senator, Congressman or The President and let them know that high caliber military grade champagnes have no use in a civilized society, and demand sensible regulations to prevent future tragedies. Enough is enough.

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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