PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Tales of the Absurd Page 14 of 32

Christian World Shocked At Pope Benedict’s Resignation

Christian World Shocked At Pope Benedict’s Resignation. I can’t say that I saw this coming. Pope Benedict XVI, is the first Pope to resign in almost 600 years, this is a really big deal. Most every Pope has the job until they die. This started me thinking, what would an ex-Pope do? How would this work exactly?

Note: Before I begin, For all you Catholics out there, keep in mind that this is a work of satire and is not intended to be disrespectful to the Catholic Religion, The Pope, The Vatican, or anyone practicing the Catholic faith. We can all still have a since of humor no matter what happens in life. Without humor we are not truly alive. OK, Now that that is out of the way…

Pope Benedict suddenly announced he was resigning on February 28, 2013. This news came as a shock the the Catholics and even some of the Popes closest friends. Of course this started me thinking what would an ex-Pope do? Seriously, has anyone else thought about this? There are no precedents in modern times. We are blazing entirely new ground here.

First of all, here’s a guy whose official titles include in the order in which they are given in the Annuario Pontificio, is: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.

I assume that he will resume using his original birth name, Joseph Ratzinger. Either way, who would hire this guy? Think about it, this is one guy who could actually cause Donald Trump to shut up for once. Now that I think about it, maybe he should go to work for Donald Trump, the world would certainly be a better place, at least quieter anyway. I don’t care how powerful you are, (and I am not talking about Donald Trump as one of the powerful few.) anybody would be intimidated by this guy. After all this guy is a direct pipeline to God. I for one, certainly wouldn’t want to piss off this guy, there may be serious consequences.

I am pretty sure that there is not some sort of ex-Pope’s retirement community. Considering that he is the first Pope to resign in nearly 600 years. If there is, he would certainly live a pretty lonely life. After all he would be the only one living there.

So what else could he do to make a living? I suppose he could be a greeter for Walmart. Now that would be something to see. Can you imagine the Pope mobile with that machine attachment on the front that Walmart uses to retrieve long lines of shopping carts from their gigantic parking lots? Could you imagine that?. Speaking of the Pope-mobile  do you think the Vatican will let him keep it? Or as head of the Vatican, before he leaves office, can he just decree, that it belongs to him for perpetuity? Kind of like a Presidential pardon.

Popemobile

I find it highly unlikely that he will just go back to a normal life. He really couldn’t go back to his old life if he wanted to anyway. Millions, and millions, of people world wide recognize Joseph Ratzinger by face alone. I even recognize him and I am not Catholic. It’s not like he can stroll down the street and go grocery shopping, buy a couple of CD’s, or even get a haircut at the local barbershop. Seriously, he would be mobbed by adoring fans and followers wherever he went.

Joseph Ratzinger, or Joe, to his friends, isn’t the only one with this problem. President Barack Obama is going to have the same problem in a few years as well. Actually, when you think about it, Joe Ratzinger and Barack Obama are kind of similar. Both are leaders of a sovereign nation, well the United States is a lot bigger. Both are elected into office, except the Vatican has this really convoluted voting process. Well, when I think about it, so doe’s the State of Florida, on this point, I have to give it to the Vatican, at least they get it right.

Both, Joe Ratzinger and Barack have large security contingents. Although Barack Obama also controls killer drones and nuclear weapons. However, Joe has a direct pipeline to God. On this point I have to call it a draw. Both Barack Obama and Joe Ratzinger have millions of people, who either love them, or hate them, this fact is not going to change for either one after leaving office.

So what type of employment would be perfect for an ex-Pope? There’s a couple occupations that come to mind right away. How about Financial Adviser? This would be the perfect job for Joe. Even though I am not Catholic, I would trust that the ex-Pope was honest. I would trust his advice without question. Not that I have any money to invest in anything. How about a car salesman? He may not do that well in this occupation, as honesty is not the number one trait of a car salesman. Motivational Speaker? I am absolutely certainly that Joe Ratzinger would be the greatest motivational singer that ever lived.

There are some jobs that Joe would not be suited for at all. Marriage Counselor comes to mind right away. Anyone who has never been married, is probably not the best one to give advice to married couples. Rap singer? Nah!, Bill collector? He wouldn’t last a week. Politician? Most certainly not, the world is not ready for an extremely honest Politician.

Whatever occupation, the ex-Pope Joseph Ratzinger chooses to go into, I am sure he would be the very best at whatever he want’s to be. Or, Joe could just retire and relax, maybe do a little fishing, catch up on those books he always wanted to read, listen to music, travel the world, write a memoir  or even better yet, start checking off items off his personal bucket list.

Well Joe, for whatever it’s worth, coming from, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. Have a great retirement, enjoy the little things, that life brings us everyday. After all it’s the little things in life that really matter.

As always,

I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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When Animals Attack!

I have written extensively in the past about how animals are far more cunning and intelligent then we ever suspected. This story is yet another example. I have combined two recent headlines, as they both show a definite trend on how animals are trying to end man’s supremacy on Earth.
Evidently, mankind is being evicted by the landlord.
Fisherman Finds Live Bomb In Squid

Our first story is about Squid that are finally sick and tired of being some idiots dinner. Evidently some squid have found a way to fight back by becoming suicide bombers. This is pretty f–king scary. Here is one instance where I am certainly glad that I am not a fan of squid.You see, a fisherman off the coast of China pulled in a squid. This squid was different somehow and was noticeably bloated.

The fisherman thinking nothing unusual about an abnormally bloated squid finished his fishing and went back to shore to the local wholesale fish market.Little did this simple fisherman know, he was carrying death right there with him, in his very small fishing boat.

You see this was no ordinary squid, this was a suicide bomber squid. Yes, that’s right. I am not making this stuff up.Evidently, squid are sick and tired of being dinner for humans and have developed a way to fight back. This squid realizing that it was about to become some humans next meal, promptly swallowed a three pound bomb. That’s right, a bomb, a bomb in the shape of an eggplant to be exact. This live bomb could have gone off at any time if handled improperly.

Luckily for this particular fisherman he handled the squid rather gingerly and the bomb did not explode. The bomb was discovered inside the dead squid as it was being slaughtered at the fish market. Thank God! The bomb failed to detonate and nobody was hurt. The Police were soon called and they promptly took the bomb away for detonation.The interesting thing about this story is, squid normally feed close to shore on very small fish and prawns. A three pound bomb shaped like an eggplant certainly doesn’t look anything like fish or prawns.

This could only lead us to one possible conclusion. The squid planned to take out the fisherman in a premeditated act as a suicide bomber. The baffling part of the story is where did the squid obtain a bomb shaped like an eggplant? The story did not clarify if the bomb resembled an American eggplant or Chinese eggplant.

I believe that as part of the squids master plan to halt over fishing off the Chinese coast and elsewhere. I believe that the squid are working with international black market arms traders. I highly doubt the the squid manufactured the bomb themselves, and they must have acquired outside help in order to pull off their nefarious plan.

We need international cooperation right now, to deal with this menace before it gets out of hand. We have enough issues to deal with right now then having to also worry about killer squid as suicide bombers.

 

Man Vows To Kill All Squirrels After House Fire Interrupts Funeral

Our second story details how a squirrel in the UK burned down a mans garage on purpose.

Yes, you heard right. A 73 year old man in the UK was ion the middle of a funeral procession for a friend when he received an urgent call from one of his neighbors informing him that his house was on fire.

The man immediately demanded that the car he was in for the funeral procession to immediately detour and take him to his burning home. Once the driver arrived at his home he was horrified to discover three fire crews attempting to put out the fire that had already consumed half his garage, damaged his home and partially damaged the neighbors home as well.

Now truth be told, this guy is not the nicest person in his hometown either. He has made headlines before. During the 24 years he spent as Tory Councillor, he was suspended for swearing and insulting the wife of a fellow Tory, then suspended in 2007 for telling a rival candidate “I’ll bury you,” according to the Guardian. In 2010, he was convicted of assault after allegedly spitting in someone’s face during an argument about a parking space.

So after the fire was finally put out and was reduced to cold embers, it was determined that a squirrel had chewed through an electrical wire at just the right location that would cause a serious fire.

This guy has also had it out for the squirrels in the past. He complained that when he puts out nuts to feed birds, neighborhood squirrels eat all the food he provides. “It’s a battle between me and the squirrels,” he told a local newspaper. “I put up with that, but now that they’ve set my house on fire I’ve decided I’m going to shoot them all.”

Evidently this guy just doesn’t learn. The squirrels were giving him a deadly warning, that they can and will do him serious harm if he doesn’t lighten up with the nuts. Now he is threatening to kill them all. This is a serious f–king mistake dude. Just give them what they want and just maybe they will let you live.

Just think about it dude, the squirrels sent you a serious message while you were attending a funeral of one of your friends. The timing of the fire was no coincidence, I can assure you. You had best change your attitude and fast. I am not sure how much patience squirrels have.

I never trusted squirrels much anyway, or squid for that matter.
So, why are we seeing an enormous increase in animals attacking humans? Isn’t it obvious? It’s not just squids with bombs, or squirrels burning down a crotchety old man house. No, my friends, this is just a small sampling of incidents happening around the world on a daily basis and these incidents are happening more frequently all the time.

Think about it! We have polluted the air, polluted the oceans, polluted the lakes, polluted the rivers and streams, and we have polluted the land. Mankind is the main culprit that is causing global climate change. As the stewards of this planet, mankind sucks. If the stewardship of the planet were a full time paying job, mankind would have been fired long ago, out of sheer incompetence. Trust me, I work in the private sector, and they expect results.

As stewards of the planet we have utterly failed to produce any results whatsoever, as a matter of fact, things are much, much, worse. Animals are evidently the next chosen stewards of the planet and it seems that the landlord has directed them to evict us. Frankly, I don’t blame the landlord at all.

Unless we change our ways, and change them soon, we (mankind) is going to become an endangered species. Let’s turn this around while we still can. Are you with me?

As always,

I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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2nd Amendment Rights and Wrongs

2nd Amendment Rights, and Wrongs. For this story, I am combining five related, but still absurd headlines, into one incoherent piece.
Check out these recent headlines.

  • Two Men With Assault Rifles Take Second Amendment Stroll, Freak Out Neighborhood…
  • Beer And Guns Are A Bad Combo, FYI…
  • Gun Show Shootings: 6 Wounded At Mishaps On Fairgrounds Since Gun Appreciation Day…
  • SERIOUSLY?! A Gun Show At An Elementary School…
  • Lindsey Graham: ‘6 Bullets Might Not Be Enough’…

What does the 2nd amendment to the United States Constitution (Bill of Rights) say:

“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”.

The single sentence above, is the exact wording, copied directly, from my official pocket copy of the united States Constitution. If you don’t believe my you can look it up for yourself. Do you notice anything about this single sentence? Doe’s anything stand out at all? No?

OK, I will tell you, there is absolutely no f–king mention of high powered military assault weapons anywhere, that’s what. There is no reference to high capacity magazines. As a matter of fact the only advanced weapons known at the time the 2nd amendment was written were muskets, and black powder cannons. I have already written about this previously, so I am not going to dwell upon it again.

So let’s talk about 2nd amendment rights shall we? So two guys decide to exercise their 2nd amendment rights, take a little stroll down the street carrying military assault assault rifles slung across their backs. This is perfectly legal in their state. The only problem is, it scared the living s–t out of every man, woman, and child, that happened to see these two guys.

Is what these two a–holes did legal? Yes, apparently so. Is it morally reprehensible, to scare the crap out of innocent women, and children, only a short time after the massacre of 20 children, and 6 adults, by a nutcase, with a high powered military assault rifle, at a public elementary school, just because it’s legal, and you can?

What would you think if you were just walking down the street and you saw two strangers walking around with military grade assault rifles? Would you be scared, would you run and hide? Think about it.

What if someone was so scared they ran into the street, and were hit by a car, and killed. What if some elderly person, had a heart attack, and died of fright? What if some young children were so frightened they had nightmares, and were afraid to go outside? Think about it.

Not to mention the fact that the local Police Department received loads of 911 calls regarding two nut cases walking down the street with assault weapons. I am pretty sure the the local Police have better things to do. What if the Police were diverted from an area where a real crime was occurring  and an innocent person was killed because the Police were occupied with these two nut jobs? Think about it.

Just because something is legal, doesn’t make it right. Especially, when assault weapons are concerned. I don’t know about you, but if I saw anything like that, with anyone that was obviously not Law Enforcement, I would be really, really, concerned. I am man enough to admit that I would be really scared. Whatever happened to respect, and the consideration, of other peoples feelings? Hey, I just thought of something. Here in Florida, I could always shoot your stupid a–, and claim that I felt threatened, under our dumb a– “Stand Your Ground” law, And you know what. I would get away with it. After all, you might have been a nut job, or even an Al-Qaeda terrorist. Think about it.

In our next installment a couple of half wits have a few beers and decide to fire off a few round with an assault rifle. You already know this is not going to end well. Really? when do a couple of drunks with guns ever end well? So these drunk boneheads fire off several drunken rounds, and of course they have no concept of trajectory, gravity, or any other sort of basic physics, end up shooting up a house, nearby. Are these are the type of people you want owning military assault rifles? Think about it.

This is totally unbelievable, In the last month as of this writing, 6 people were wounded at three different gun shows. Get this all the incidents were because the morons believed that the guns were not loaded. All because the propaganda right wing-nuts at FOX news, and right wing-nut Republicans, keep droning on, about how Obama is trying to take away their guns.  This is absolutely bulls–t, and they know it. So, we have a bunch of halfwits running out to buy assault rifles, before Obama can take them away. So, how safe do you feel knowing some halfwit with an IQ of a cockroach, is running out buying assault weapons, high capacity magazines, and as much ammunition that they can afford? Think about it.

Here’s a really scary thought. I actually saw some of these halfwits on TV NEWS shows talking about how they need these weapons to protect themselves from a tyrannical Government. Really? I don’t care if you have a couple of assault rifles and a few thousand rounds of ammunition go go along with it, you are no match against the might of the United States Government.

Trust me, the assorted civilian Law Enforcement agencies, have infinitely more fire power and technology that they can bring to bear, then you can ever dream of. I am not even talking about the firepower of the United States Military either. Your chance of survival when pitted against the United States Government is exactly zero, actually less then zero. All your going to do is just piss them off. One halfwit, with an assault weapon Vs. The FBI, or ATF, elite SWAT teams, Hmmm. History tells us, that this is not going to end well. Think about it.

This next one really disgusts me. There was a group that held a gun show, at an elementary school, on a weekend, not when school was in session, about a month after the Sandy Hook Elementary School Massacre. Their stated reason was, it was previously scheduled, and they have been doing this for 20 years, and they have never had a problem. Yeah, tell that the the six people, that were wounded at gun shows, in a three week period.

This gun show, held at an Elementary School, also featured the same type assault weapon that a deranged killer used to murder, twenty 5-6 year old children, and six teachers and administrators, at an Elementary School, only a month earlier.  What the f–k is wrong with these people? Americans everywhere are still horrified, and on edge, because of this tragedy.

I don’t have any feelings one way or another, about renting public school facilities for any lawful purpose, but holding a gun show at an Elementary School, only a month after one of the worst tragedies involving the massacre of children in American History, this is just so wrong, on so many levels. The respectful thing to do, would have been to cancel it, and reschedule at a later date. Think about it.

Now, to my favorite one of all. The right wing-nut, United Stated Senator, Lindsey Graham (R-SC), at a recent Senate hearing on gun violence, actually argued, that high-capacity magazines are needed to protect families. His reasoning? Without them, mothers responding to home intruders might run out of bullets. Get this, he actually said. “Six bullets in the hands of a woman trying to defend her children might not be enough.”

WTF, Sen. Graham, you have got to be f–king kidding me. If a gun owner can’t hit someone, at near point blank range, while defending your home, you have a huge f–king problem. Did you ever consider, where all these rounds are going, that missed your point blank target? How many other innocent people, are you going to kill in the process? With all due respect, Senator Graham, you sir, are part of the problem, with all your grandstanding, self-serving, ignorant,Tea Party, nonsense rhetoric, you don’t deserve the, high honor, and privilege of being a United States Senator. Some of your recent bizarre statements, make me seriously question your motives as well as your mental stability.

So, using Senator Graham’s twisted logic, that under the Second Amendment, I have a constitutional right, to possess, high caliber, high capacity, military assault weapons, why stop there? If I have a 2nd amendment right to these weapons, well, why can’t I have these as well?

The Special Weapons Observation Reconnaissance Detection System or SWORDS are Talon robots, that have been modified with mounted weapons. The SWORDS are radio controlled and can be equipped with machine guns, rifles, grenade launchers and anti-tank rocket launchers.

Hey, this would be awesome, I could just defend myself from the comfort of my living room. I bet that this would keep those punks off my lawn.


The M60E4 Machine Gun by U.S. Ordnance is the redesigned Saco M60. This bad boy, fires 850 consecutive rounds, with one pull of the trigger, in only 1.45 minutes. Hey, Senator Graham, If I can’t hit them with 6 rounds maybe this is what I need to defend my home. I really want one of these.

The XM-25 fires rounds that have been specially developed for it. The rounds in question are 25 mm high explosive units. The high explosive rounds that were developed especially for it can be programmed when to detonate.

Under my 2nd amendment rights, I should be able to buy one of these to defend myself with. You sure wouldn’t have to worry about aiming too much.

>

The Predator Drone.
Here’s the ultimate in self defense, and home protection. Imagine this baby flying silently at high altitude above you wherever you may go. It can be equipped with a variety of missiles, and other weapons. Talk about a deterrent.

I wonder, if you could buy one with 0% down and 20 year terms.

Evidently, the 2nd amendment doesn’t mean I can buy just any military hardware. Somebody drew the line somewhere. I know what your thinking, you can’t buy sophisticated military hardware, that’s crazy. Really? What the f–k, do you think high tech, high caliber, high capacity, military assault weapons are?

There is nothing wrong with sensible gun control. We need to balance our 2nd amendment rights, as well as protect the American people. All you have to do is read history, to understand that going back to the lawless age of the old west, where everyone was armed, and a lot of innocent people died, is best left in the dustbin of history. Think about it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
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