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NASA Just Updated The Astrological Signs, And Evidently My Entire Life Has Been A Lie!

By

On September 27, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

NASA Just Updated The Astrological Signs, And Evidently My Entire Life Has Been A Lie!

What the fuck NASA! I always liked and respected you guys, and now you have made my 58 years on this earth and everything that everyone has ever believed about me, and even what I believe myself a total lie.

I am deadly serious about this. This is like waking up one morning and suddenly finding out you are actually someone else. I have actually seen science fiction movies with similar story-lines.

Seriously, this time NASA went way, way, too far. with their esoteric nerdy science stuff. So, what did the genius nerds at NASA do now that virtually made my entire life, and yours a total lie?

I’ll tell you what they did, they changed the entire fucking zodiac, that’s what. On top of that they created a thirteenth zodiac sign, Ophiuchus. I can’t even pronounce it, none the less spell it.Thank God, for cut and paste.

This is a total outrage! For centuries before I was born, and the first 58 years of my life there were twelve zodiac signs.

zodiac-signs

As far as I can tell everyone was perfectly content with these twelve zodiac signs and we were perfectly content to have our lives defined by these twelve zodiac categories. Was this good enough for the NASA science geeks? Oh no! They couldn’t  just leave well enough alone, they had to throw a wrench into everyone’s lives.

Take me as an example. For 58 years I have always been a Pieces. According to astrology, a Pieces male is defined as someone who is:

“Powerfully emotional, intuitive, creative and caring, the Pisces man is sensitive and often your most trusted friend. Often exceptionally attractive, his most endearing traits are his humility and love of romance. Spiritual, mysterious, imaginative and idealistic this man is one of the dreamers of the zodiac”.

Don’t get me wrong, I never defined my life by the zodiac, but I did kind of think that the words in bold did kind of describe me in very general terms. Others, that know me well would agree as well.

You see, actually, I am a huge believer in science, and rational thought. My whole life has been based upon this premise. Here is a great video of the great Carl Sagan discussing astrology;

My rock solid belief in science doe’s not mitigate what the science geeks at NASA have done now. My entire 58 years on this planet I have been a Pieces. Now, according to NASA, I am suddenly with a snap of their little science geek fingers… a….wait for it…Aquarius! Yes it’s true.

I even used to check my daily horoscope in the newspaper. remember newspapers? Just to see what disasters may headed my way. Not that I actually believed that, but one can never be too careful right?

According to astrology, an Aquarius male is defined as someone who is:

“Unpredictable, intelligent, social, independent and excellent communicators. Some of the negative Aquarius characteristics include unreliability, stubbornness, indecision, and inflexibility”.

Wait a minute!!!! That sort of sounds a lot like me as well. WTF?????

Now, I am having a serious identity crisis!

WTF, I am now the exact same astrological sign as my mother-in-law. Don’t get me wrong, I love her dearly, but we are seriously nothing alike.

According to the social order destroying geeks at NASA the new zodiac signs and date are now:

Capricorn: Jan 20 – Feb 16

Aquarius: Feb 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10

Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16

Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30

Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23

Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29

Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17

Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 20

So why did NASA decide to upend 86% of the people of earth’s population by changing their zodiac sign?

From csmonitor.com, According to NASA; ” the Earth’s axis has changed in the 3,000 years since the zodiac was first invented. As a result, the constellations over which the sun appears to move over have shifted over time. It also pointed out that the sun also moves over a 13th constellation, which the Babylonians deigned not to include in the zodiac in order to preserve their 12-month calendar”.

The origins of the zodiac come from a time when early astronomers believed that the universe was geocentric, that is, that, everything in the revolves around the Earth. Early civilizations examined the heavens in a search for patterns that could explain how everything worked. Many people ascribed meaning to patterns of stars in the sky, giving rise to the idea of constellations of stars that represented various aspects of their respective mythologies. As time went on, humans would chart the movements of these constellations and realize that there were predictable patterns in the night sky. These predictions would form the backbone of both astronomy and astrology, as early scientific observation mixed with superstition.

The Ancient Babylonians divided the ancient sky into 12 pieces, each 30 degrees apart, which followed the sun as it supposedly traveled around the Earth over the course of a year. Each piece was represented by a constellation to serve as a landmark for early as the sun crossed over the position of each of the 12 constellations in turn. The segments of the zodiac was an important early celestial coordinate system that provided early astronomers and astrologers with a more sophisticated understanding of the night sky. But, as the heliocentric model took hold in Europe in the 17th century, astronomers abandoned the system. Astrologers stuck with the zodiac holding on to the mystic notion that the movement of the stars could predict the future.

So, who are we going to blame for this debacle? NASA? I think not as they were just the messenger. I blame the ancient Babylonians and current astronomers.

Considering that all the ancient Babylonians are all dead, I am placing the blame squarely upon the current astronomers. Seriously, you would thing that just one of them would have said, “Listen guys, things have changed. Here’s the new deal”. Did we hear that from anyone? Nope!!!!

Which brings up another interesting question. Why didn’t astrologers or psychics predict this?

I suppose I should look at the bright side, I could have been a Virgo. Virgo’s entire sign is now just 7 days long. Talking about getting the short stick.

I would have rather been moved into the Ophiuchus zodiac sign, because it is brand new and no one has yet to define exactly what it means. At least I could have started over with a clean slate.

But for me, that has not how the stars have aligned. I will just have to learn to live as an Aquarius. The funny thing is, both Pieces and Aquarius are water signs, and I can’t even swim.

Seriously, I can’t swim at all. Well maybe I could swim for 40-50 feet or so if a shark was after me, although it would have to be a really big one, or I will have drowned long before it got to me.  Go figure.

Sometimes, I think that the universe is just mocking me.

I suppose it could be worse. I have seen a lot of people with a tattoo of their zodiac sign, and birth-date, tattooed somewhere on their body. I guess they will just have to cross out the old one, and add their new zodiac sign. Try explaining that to your friends and family.

As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Man Shoots And Kills Cousin While Checking To See If A Bullet Proof Vest Still Works!

By

On September 12, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

Man Shoots And Kills Cousin While Checking To See If A Bullet Proof Vest Still Works!

At 10 p.m. on Saturday,September, 10, 2016, Joaquin Mendez, 23, tried on the bullet-resistant vest, Tampa police said. He wondered aloud whether it still worked.

“Let’s see,” replied his cousin Alexandro Garibaldi, who pulled out a gun and shot at the vest, while his cousin was still wearing it, according to police.

shootingmug_2_17955882_8col

Evidently, Joaquin Mendez had just tried on the bullet proof , sat down in a chair, and wondered aloud if it still worked? That’s when his genius of a cousin whipped out a gun and said “Let’s See” and shot him in the chest. Seriously? I am sorry that a person died, but seriously they are both choice candidates for The Darwin Awards.

There was actually more to this story, e.g. – After Alexandro Garibaldi, shot his cousin he removed the vest off his dying cousin and took it into the house, and then told the cops he heard a gunshot, ran outside and found his cousin shot in the chest, He is also a convicted felon who was not legally able to possess a firearm.  Buts these facts are not relevant to my story.

If you are interested, here is a link to the original story: Click Here.

After further research I found out that this was not actually a bulletproof vest at all, but a Flak Jacket. BIG, BIG, BIG, DIFFERENCE!

Per Wikipedia; A flak jacket or flak vest is a form of body armor designed to provide protection from case fragments (“frag”) from high explosive weaponry, such as anti-aircraft artillery, grenades, some round shot used in shotguns and land mines and other lower-velocity projectiles. It is not designed to protect against bullets fired from small-arms such as rifles or handguns.

So, these geniuses obviously didn’t even know or even stop to consider the very important differences between a Flac Jacket, and a Bulletproof-Vest. Besides, even if they did know the difference, you still don’t try to test something like this while actually wearing it, and allowing someone shoot a live round from a hand gun directly at you, just to see if it still works.

Now, we finally get to my pain point of the story my friends. There are some things in life that you just have to take for granted, or faith if you’re the religious type,  that they do “actually work”, or not, as advertised and not try to test them in real life situations.

Have you ever seen those Jackass Movies? Think about it, there is a good reason they are called “Jackass”.

There are a few these kind of things that I can think of right off the bat, that fall into the category of don’t try this at home.

Before we begin, here’s an important safety tip from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, NEVER, EVER, TRY THESE FOLLOWING STUPID STUNTS AT HOME! (Unless you wish to be permanently removed from the gene pool, then by all means, be my guest).

  • Never check to see if a firearm is loaded by pointing it you or others and pulling the trigger.
  • Never dart in front of a speeding automobile to see if the anti-lock brakes actually work.
  • Never purposely run into a stationary object with an automobile to check if the air-bags work properly.
  • Never check to see how much gas is in your car or lawnmower with a match or lighter.
  • Never try to pick up that poisonous snake just because you saw a YouTube video on how to do it properly.
  • Never throw bullets into a fire to see what happens.
  • Never fire a weapon straight up into the air, and just stand there like a damn fool.
  • Never smoke while filling your car or truck with gas.
  • Never use gasoline to start a Bonn fire or your charcoal grill for that matter.
  • Never mix chemical together unless you know how they react together. Bleach and Ammonia are good examples.
  • Never attempt to pet wild animals. Hence the name “Wild Animals”.
  • Never run a gasoline powered generator inside the house.
  • And lastly, never attempt to see how well a bulletproof vest works while actually wearing it.

If you can think of any more real life examples, please provide them in the comment box below. Comments are now open.

As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

You’ve Been Warned, The Great Taco Truck Invasion Has Already Begun! UPDATED 10/19/2016

By

On September 3, 2016

In Politics and Satire, Tales of the Absurd

You’ve Been Warned, The Great Taco Truck Invasion Has Already Begun! (IMPORTANT UPDATE 10/19/2016)

I have to be honest with you, I never saw this coming. But, there is no doubt about it my friends, we have been invaded.

A foreign army with overwhelming numbers has silently and covertly invaded The United States, and we are powerless to stop it.

Even though I admittedly didn’t see it coming, I can pinpoint the exact moment it began. The Taco Truck invasion of 2016 bears a striking resemblance to the beginning of the American revolutionary war. Seriously, let me explain.

In order to fully understand current events, we need only to look back at history to clearly see the common threads that created our current conflict. Just bear with me and everything will become abundantly clear.

To put things into perspective, Elizabeth Nix, from History.com, wrote an excellent piece on the beginnings of the revolutionary war, This piece details the exact moment that the American Revolutionary war began. We now call this moment in time; The Shot That Was Heard Around The World.

“On the night of April 18, 1775, hundreds of British troops set off from Boston toward Concord, Massachusetts, in order to seize weapons and ammunition stockpiled there by American colonists. Early the next morning, the British reached Lexington, where approximately 70 minutemen had gathered on the village green. Someone suddenly fired a shot—it’s uncertain which side—and a melee ensued. When the brief clash ended, eight Americans lay dead and at least an equal amount were injured, while one redcoat was wounded. The British continued on to nearby Concord, where that same day they encountered armed resistance from a group of patriots at the town’s North Bridge. Gunfire was exchanged, leaving two colonists and three redcoats dead. Afterward, the British retreated back to Boston, skirmishing with colonial militiamen along the way and suffering a number of casualties; the Revolutionary War had begun”.  – Elizabeth Nix, History.com

The great Taco Truck invasion began with a similar “singular” moment in time. In this case, it started with an interview on MSNBC at exactly  8:36 PM EST. A Latino, Donald Trump supporter, and Latinos for Trump founder; Marco Gutierrez, was being interviewed live on air. He was referring to the scenario if Donald Trump were to lose the election. This is when he made the following statement;

“My culture is a very dominant culture,” he warned. “And it’s imposing, and it’s causing problems. If you don’t do something about it, you’re gonna have taco trucks every corner.”  

AH HA! This was obviously some sort of secret code phrase telling the Taco Truck Army to begin the invasion. This is a similar tactic that the Japanese used prior to the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor. When negotiations between the Japanese and United States governments broke down, The Japanese sent a radio message Tora, Tora, Tora, over the airwaves. Within a few hours, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

Seemingly, almost instantaneously after Marco Gutierrez made his fateful statement live on air, the Taco Truck invasion began.

It began very covertly. At first, no one even noticed. The first of the Taco Truck Army that we’re credibly documented started showing up in places where none had EVER even been before. The first ones started showing up in front of Donald Trump campaign headquarters in various cities. Denver, CO was the first documented sighting. More Taco Trucks started showing up in City, after City, usually beginning in front of Donald Trump campaign headquarters and spreading out exponentially out from there.  The only common denominator is apparently Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters was always ground zero.

My God! how could we have been so blind that we never even noticed that the Taco Truck menace was right here among us all along?

Sure, we all saw the random unambiguous Taco Truck parked here and there. I am sure that many of us, including me, even frequented them periodically at lunch, or dinner time  and never thought anything of it.

How were we so stupid not to realize what was actually happening before it was too late? Who knew that these random Taco Trucks were actually part of a “fifth column” of foreign invaders just waiting for the signal to strike?

In the last couple of days, Social media has confirmed our worst fears and has literally exploded with sightings of the Taco Truck Army. Taco Trucks have now  been sighted in every city and on every corner.

BREAKING NEWS: Overnight, we went from this –

Taco Truck

To this –

Taco truck army

 

As of right now, and I literally mean right this minute, units of the Taco Truck Army can be found on virtually every corner, in every city, and small town in America. Don’t take my word for it, just look out your window and down the street.

So, what are we to do about this Taco Truck menace? We have been invaded by an overwhelming force. The Taco Truck Army is too powerful to stop now. Sure, there will be a few among us that will attempt to resist, especially those brave Donald Trump patriots. But, I fear that it is already too little, too late. At this point resistance is futile.

What am I Tom Dye, The Safety Guy going to do about it, you ask?

I am going to embrace our new Taco Truck overlords. I am going to bravely step right up to the nearest unit of the Taco Truck Army and boldly place my order for a taco or two or even three. I am going to order them with everything on it. And you know what? I am going to thoroughly enjoy every single bite of the delicious Taco Truck food.

You may call me a traitor, I don’t really fucking care. As far as I can tell, the sun still shines, the American flag still flies proudly, and I still have a home, car, and a job.

As far as I am concerned, it is a great day in America. Thank you, Taco Truck Overlords for showing us the error of our ways.

UPDATE 10/19/2016 – BREAKING NEWS……

On October 19, 2016, profoundrevelations.com received exclusive BREAKING NEWS……. The Taco Truck Army began arriving early this morning at Donald Trump’s Las Vegas Hotel.

Taco Trucks, as far as the eye can see began arriving this morning and encircling Trumps Las Vegas Hotel. The purpose of this Taco Truck invasion can only be described as a Taco Truck wall surrounding Donald Trumps hotel.

In a profoundrevelation.com “Exclusive Interview” with the Supreme Commander of the Taco Truck Army (Who wishes to remain unknown anonymous at this time. For the sake of journalistic integrity we will just refer to him as; Col. Ramone);

“According to Col. Ramone, This big beautiful taco truck wall is in direct response to Donald Trump’s negative campaign, as well as an action in direct support of the workers at Trump International Hotel who voted to unionize in December. Col. Ramone, further emphasized that Trump refuses to bargain with them”.

Col. Ramone,  fully expects Donald Trump to pay for the great Taco Truck wall that has now fully surrounded his Las Vegas Hotel.

We  placed several calls to Donald Trump’s press people for comment on if, and how much Trump would be paying for the great taco truck wall. As of our filing deadline, there was no response from either Donald Trump’s campaign or his press liaison.

If we get a statement from Donald Trump we will update this article with their response.

In the meantime, If you are in Las Vegas, stop by the great taco truck wall for some awesome tacos, and show your support for this great cause.

On a side note. According to Col. Ramone, he personally recommends the “No. 7 dinner combination meal”. This meal includes; Two chicken tacos with; cheese, lettuce, cilantro, tomatoes and onions with hot salsa. The meal also includes; Sides of refried beans, guacamole, as well as rice with homemade tortilla chips and salsa.

Hmmmm….Sounds good to me.

 

As Always,

I am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

09/03/2016

Updated 10/19/2016

 

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