Naked Burglar Arrested in Florida Looking For Sesame Seeds!
This story really resonates with me. Not just because I live in Florida, Normally that would be more than enough. As an extra bonus, this guy was also arrested in the same city where I work.
Considering that Largo, Florida where this sad story occurred is 65 miles from the city where I live, by my rough calculations, this is a cool 100 extra bonus points. Believe me, I keep track of this sort of thing.
Of course, this incident happened in a trailer park, which is exactly what you would expect from trailer park trash. It all started with one Martin Henderson, 48, of Largo, Florida.
Martin Henderson
As you can tell by the photo above, our anti-hero, and trailer trash burglar, is a fine upstanding human being. Personally, I think he looks a lot like Howard Stern, no offense to Mr. Stern. I was just making an observation. Please don’t sue me.
Mr. Henderson was Sitting around all day long in the ol’ trailer smoking synthetic marijuana. Evidently, this behavior starts to take its toll. I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
Evidently, and this is pure speculation on my part. Sitting around the ol’ trailer park smoking synthetic marijuana all day makes you very hungry. Mr. Martin Henderson decides that a delicious hamburger would be just the thing.
A delicious hamburger would be on the top of my list of food to satisfy my cravings for a delicious dinner. I mean unless you are a vegan, this would be on the top of everyone’s list right? Sorry, My vegan friends, personally tofu just doesn’t cut it for me.
Anyway, our anti-hero, Mr. Martin Henderson makes his delicious hamburger and suddenly discovers that he doesn’t have any sesame seeds for his hamburger bun. This seems a little strange because I usually buy my hamburger buns with the sesame seeds included. I never even considered that I could add sesame seeds, after the fact. Who knew?
So, our anti-hero, Martin Henderson upon discovering that he was missing a key ingredient of his delicious hamburger, sesame seeds; decided upon a mission to rectify this major culinary oversight.
Mr. Henderson somehow became convinced that his neighbors in the trailer behind him were hoarding his coveted sesame seeds. So he hatched his plan to acquire what he so desired. It was actually much more than that, he absolutely had to have them. By now, he was obsessed.
Mr. Henderson’s plan was simple, and genius in its sheer simplicity. Nothing could possibly go wrong. The sesame seeds were as good as his.
Our anti-hero, striped off all of his clothes, which is a requirement for a successful sesame seed caper, grabbed a butter knife and was out the door. It took only a couple of minutes to jimmy the neighbor’s front door on their trailer, and he was finally inside looking for his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger that was patiently waiting for the final delicious ingredient.
Mr. Henderson proceeded to rifle the kitchen looking for his coveted sesame seeds. Our sesame seed burglar looked everywhere, he was absolutely certain that they were in there somewhere. He looked high and he looked low. He looked in every cabinet and nook and cranny until…… he opened the very last cupboard.
There on the second shelf near the back was a golden glow, as our sesame seed burglar pulled out items from the front, flour, sugar, brown sugar, and more. The glow became brighter and brighter until it was so bright it was almost blinding, it was like looking directly into the face of God. Hallelujah! Our sesame seed burglar slowly reached for his elusive prize. When….
William Loland, the owner of the trailer in question, and rightful owner of said sesame seeds was previously sound asleep with his girlfriend until being rudely awakened by all the commotion in his kitchen and decided to get up and investigate.
Per Mr. Loland’s testimony to the Police, he was awakened by a commotion in his kitchen. Mr, Loland being a cautious man, crept from his bedroom and peered into the kitchen. The only light was from a night-light in the kitchen, and of course, the golden blinding light emanating from one of his kitchen cabinets.
According to Mr. Loland, and this is a direct quote, “I thought it was a woman because he had long hair, and he was all nude. I thought it was a woman because he had a pot belly,”
WTF! Mr. Loland thought that this was a woman in his kitchen because he was naked, had long hair and had a pot belly? Evidently, our hapless sesame seed burglar also has a penis so small that he is easily mistaken for a woman even while naked. By Mr. Loland’s standards, the sesame seed burglar’s long hair and his pot belly, was definitely a tell-tale sign that he was in fact, a woman.
It would seem to me that the sesame seed burglar has a lot more problems than just needing his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger.
Mr. Loland further stated, “I grabbed him by his neck, and I escorted him towards the door,” Loland said. “He was still naked. I said, ‘You’re lucky I don’t knock you out.’ He said, ‘I don’t think you can.’ So that’s when I hit him. That’s when I hit him twice.”
911 was called, and our micro penis, pot-bellied, sesame seed burglar, was arrested soon thereafter.
And that’s how we do things here in Florida.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is a news commentary and is a work of original satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt
By Tom Dye
On February 4, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd
Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!
This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.
Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;
Leston Lawrence
Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.
The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.
Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team, After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.
Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.
The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.
This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.
Let’s recap our story so far:
The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015. noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.
The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.
As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.
Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.
It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.
The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.
The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.
It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.
Al Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
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