The Great Anti-Trump Peanut Butter Smear Campaign
This is awesome. Finally, an absurd story that I can really sink my teeth into. You seriously can’t make this stuff up. I read all about it on The Huffington Post.
This is the story of, 32-year-old, Chelsea Ferguson. Chelsea is from Amherst Junction, Wisconsin.
My first thought was that this woman had to be from Florida. After all, most of these type stories almost always originate from Florida. However, there was no mention that she might have been a transplant from Florida. Personally, I believe that she probably was. Here is her booking photo.
Here is her booking photo.
Anyway, Chelsea Ferguson decided that she had finally had enough of the 2016 Presidential election cycle, and especially Donald Trump supporters.
So far, she sounds just like all of us. Seriously, isn’t everyone tired of this election? I mean I can seriously relate to her being sick and tired of Donald Trump supporters as well. I for one can’t wait for these next two weeks to be over with, so we can all just get back to our lives.
Where Chelsea Ferguson differs from the rest of us she stopped imagining what could be done about all those annoying Donald Trump supporters, she decided to take direct action. Chelsea Ferguson did something about it. This is her story.
Chelsea Ferguson, in an apparent alcohol, and Peanut Butter, fueled rage finally snapped. You see people had been terrorizing her because she is a Hillary Clinton supporter, and these tormenters were ALL Donald Trump supporters.
So what is a Hillary Clinton supporter to do? Chelsea had a plan. Not only did she have a plan, she carried it out.
Unfortunately, Chelsea Ferguson’s plan had a serious flaw. She mistook the “Tomorrow River Conservation Club” to mean the “Tomorrow River Conservative Club”.
This is an honest mistake, right? I mean the words are identical except for the very last three letters. Anybody could make this mistake, especially if you were high on a deadly combination of alcohol and peanut butter.
Who know’s maybe the Tomorrow River Conservation Club is actually a front for Conservative’s who love Donald Trump. This definitely needs further investigation to be sure.
Finally, at her breaking point, and desperate to take action, Chelsea burst into the Tomorrow River Conservation Club meeting, armed only with a Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” This is the weapon that Chelsea Ferguson so bravely wielded;
This is photo of the type of horrifying weapon that Chelsea Ferguson so bravely wielded.
This would be considered a weapon of mass destruction if this was a meeting of people who all had peanut allergies. But, for the rest of us not so much. Chelsea Ferguson stormed into the meeting and yelled how much she hated Donald Trump, armed only with her family sized jar of Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter. This takes guts friends!
She was asked by the group to leave, and surprisingly, she just turned around and left the building. Little did the members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club know, this was all part of Chelsea Ferguson’s plan and the real terror was about to begin……..
You see, Allegedly, Chelsea calmly walked out of the building where the; Tomorrow River Conservation Club’s meeting was being held. She slowly unscrewed the lid off her Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” and proceeded to methodically smear peanut butter on all of the 30 cars parked in the parking lot.
This was Chelsea Ferguson’s moment. This was her great anti-Trump peanut butter smear campaign, and it was coming together right now.
Chelsea Ferguson’s organic peanut butter attack was almost complete when several minutes later, members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club began to wonder just what Chelsea had in mind when she burst into their meeting brandishing only her family sized jar of Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter.
One has to wonder why it took the members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club “several minutes” to figure out that something might be amiss here.
The members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club ran out into the parking lot only to discover that it was too late. Chelsea’s plan had already been carried out, and there was nothing they could do to stop it.
Chelsea Ferguson as caught red handed smearing her anti-Trump peanut butter on one of the last of the member’s cars. He yelled at her to stop!
Once again, Chelsea complied and calmly walked into a nearby apartment and calmly shut the door behind her. But the story did not end there my friends, no, not at all. The Sheriff’s Department was called.
Sheriff’s Deputies were dispatched to the peanut butter terrorist’s apartment. At first, an unidentified man answered the door and denied that Chelsea Ferguson had not left the apartment all evening.
Eventually, Chelsea Ferguson answered the door reeking of alcohol and peanut butter. According to Sheriff’s Deputies stated that Chelsea was licking her fingers while talking to them. Of course, Chelsea Ferguson denied ever leaving the apartment all evening.
Eventually, the truth came out after she was identified by a member of conservation club, as the person that was in fact, wielding the Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter”.
The jig was up, The reign of terror was finally over. Chelsea Ferguson confessed to being the mastermind behind the great anti-Trump peanut butter smear campaign.
Officers said Chelsea broke down and became very emotional as she described how much she hated Donald Trump and absolutely loves Hillary Clinton.
She went on to explain why she decided to use peanut butter as a weapon. “Peanut butter is better than fire-bombing,” She went on to explain how Trump wants to fire-bomb everybody in other countries.
I really have to say that I agree with Chelsea Ferguson on this point, Peanut Butter is better than fire bombing. That is unless you have a peanut allergy then it may actually be a toss-up.
She went on to express how she was so very sorry, and that she was “just fed up with the entire election.”
Chelsea Ferguson was arrested, and the Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” was confiscated as evidence. The Deputies also photographed the cars across the street that allegedly had peanut butter smeared on them.
It was reported that many of the car’s owners had already left, or they had already cleaned off the peanut butter. Obviously, this destroyed the only evidence that could have been used against Chelsea Ferguson. What? Was this intentional? Did Chelsea Ferguson have sympathizers on the inside?
As you can tell by the facts I have laid out before you there are several unanswered questions which were not addressed. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious ones:
- Was the fact that Chelsea Ferguson decided to use a Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” Vs. a store or generic brand of peanut butter, some sort of statement on corporate greed or malfeasance?
- Did Chelsea Ferguson purposely decide use “All Natural, ‘ Low Sodium” peanut butter an attempt to limit or minimize the damage that might be done to the cars paint job?
- Is the fact that she used “creamy” Vs. “chunky” peanut butter a conscious attempt not to do any damage to the cars that she smeared it on? After all “Chunky” peanut butter would certainly scratch a car or truck’s paint job due to the fact that peanut chunks are sharp and abrasive?
- Is the fact that Chelsea Ferguson was alleged to be intoxicated on a dangerous combination of alcohol and peanut butter a legitimate legal defense such as temporary insanity?
- Was the fact that that several of the cars were either cleaned up or the owners had left prior to the Sheriff Deputies arriving evidence of some sort of cover-up? Were there other un-named, co-conspirators?
These are the serious questions that absolutely have to be answered, as well as proven in court, beyond any reasonable doubt, in order to give this courageous woman a fair trial.
Let’s not forget the fact that the United States Constitution guarantees a trial by a “jury of her peers”.
Good luck, finding a group of her peers that had also used a family sized jar of “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” as a weapon in the commission of a crime.
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.
If your interested, You can read the original story here –> The Peanut Butter Caper .
As Always,
I Am,
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
