Florida Man Claims His Pants Took Off Running By Themselves!
Meet 52-year old, Charles William Raulerson of Pensacola, Florida.
Charles William Raulerson
Escambia County Sheriff’s Office in Pensacola, Florida received a call last Sunday regarding a naked man at the carwash. Upon arriving at the scene Deputies saw a pantsless man standing by his car with music blaring from his vehicle. Nothing unusual here, after all, this is Florida, so at first glance, this was just another day for law enforcement.
Deputies asked Mr. Raulerson to put on his pants. You would think that this was a perfectly reasonable request and in most cases, it would have been. This was not one of those times.
You see, this was one of those strange but true cases that fall well into the category of the unexplained.
Mr. Raulerson explained that he could not comply with their perfectly reasonable request, because as he explained, “They took off running by themselves without me.”
Of, course the Sheriff’s Deputies did not believe him, and that was to be expected. You see my friends, Law Enforcement is not privy to the more esoteric knowledge that I as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy possess including; Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS). If the Sheriff’s Deputies would have done a little more digging into the situation they would have uncovered the eyewitness to this bizarre encounter. I did some extensive digging and actually found the eyewitness to Charles Raulerson’s bizarre encounter on that fateful day.
If the Sheriff’s Deputies would have done a little more digging into the situation they would have uncovered the eyewitness to this bizarre encounter. I did some extensive digging and actually found the eyewitness to Charles Raulerson’s bizarre encounter on that fateful day.
For the first time, the actual first-hand account of what actually happened is being reported by Profound Revelations.
The eyewitness who is still traumatized by the entire incident is speaking out exclusively to me, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. What follows is the actual first-hand account of what he personally witnessed. To protect his privacy, I will refer to him only as; Mr. Smith. His real name is being withheld to protect his privacy and his sanity.
According to Mr. Smith, it was about 5:40 AM, last Sunday, when he arrived at the carwash to wash his car when he saw a strange and unexpected event that literally challenged his entire view of reality.
Mr. Smith arrived at the carwash early to get his car washed and complete his other errands complete before the big game last Sunday.
Per Mr. Smith’s first-hand account, it was still dark, but the parking lot was well lit. Mr. Smith relates how he saw Mr. Raulerson exit his vehicle in the parking lot and suddenly started acting strange. He further stated that it wasn’t Mr. Raulerson per say way not acting strange, it was as if he suddenly became a martinet on a string.
Suddenly Mr. Raulerson was seen what could only be described as a combination of jumping and goose-stepping around his vehicle. He seemed that he was not in control of the lower half of his own body. Mr. Raulseron was observed swatting at his pants and screaming in terror.
He jumped and goose-stepped around his car two or three times and suddenly seemed to be flung to the ground. His shoes were suddenly flung off, one in one direction, and the other in another. His pants, described as denim jeans by Mr. Smith, unbuttoned themselves, unzipped on their own accord, and quickly slithered all the way down the legs of the terrified Mr. Raulsrson.
According to Mr. Smith, the pants suddenly stood tall and took off running. The humanless pants bolted for the carwash and ran back and forth through the carwash right past him, three or four times before suddenly running full speed through the car wash one last time, and bolted full speed down the street before turning onto a side street and disappearing around the corner. The entire bizarre encounter lasted less than two minutes.
Obviously, this is not normal behavior for your average pants. Mr. Smith stated that he was so stunned that he actually stood there frozen in disbelief, and doing so, wasted $2.50 in quarters because he just stood there letting his time run out, mouth open, trying to reconcile what he had just witnessed first hand with the reality that he has always known.
About then, the Sheriff’s Deputies arrived and asked Mr. Raulerson to put on his pants. Mr Raulserson then explained in detail how his pants suddenly took off running without him.
The Sheriff Deputies blissfully ignorant of Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS) were not buying his story on how his pants somehow defied the laws of physics and ran away all by themselves, asked him to then sit in his car. Frustrated that the Deputies were so ignorant and unsympathetic to his predicament Mr. Raulerson then threatened the Sheriff’s Deputies with a screwdriver.
Mr. Raulerson was tasered and immediately arrested. His pants were never found.
Charles Raulerson is not the first unlucky sap to be caught without pants. Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS) strikes randomly and without warning. Nobody knows why, or even where the pants go after they run off, as they are never apprehended while on the run.
Some theories suggest that somehow possessed pants end up at thrift stores. Whether they ran there by themselves or were dropped off by some unsuspecting person isn’t clear. The only thing that is certain is that they lay in wait for another unsuspecting person to buy them, and run off once again. There is some evidence to suggest that the hot spot for Possessed Pants Syndrome is in Florida, although this is still unconfirmed.
If any of my readers have ever experienced Possessed Pants Syndrome or have any further insights on how, or why this happens, please leave a comment and your contact information so we can try to get to the bottom of this once and for all.
As Always,
I Am….
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
This article is satire and news commentary based on actual events. The original source material can be found here.
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Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt
By Tom Dye
On February 4, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd
Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!
This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.
Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;
Leston Lawrence
Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.
The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.
Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team, After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.
Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.
The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.
This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.
Let’s recap our story so far:
The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015. noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.
The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.
As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.
Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.
It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.
The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.
The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.
It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.
Al Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
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