Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend
Note to my readers: I was having a bout of writer’s block for a few days when suddenly this headline popped up and snapped me right out of it. I’m back now!
The story you are about to read is true, the names have not been changed to protect the dumbasses involved, This is their story.
Jacksonville, Florida. – Police received a 911 call from 25-year-old, Brian Murphy around 11:05 p.m. Murphy reported that his dog had just shot his girlfriend.
I am going to just let that sink in for just a moment. It’s O.K. I can wait. (I am going to imagine the theme music on the game show Jeopardy when the contestants are writing down their answers down during the final jeopardy round).
O.K. times up. At 11:05 P.M. Jacksonville, Police responded to a home where a shooting had just occurred. Brian Murphy answered the door and reported that his girlfriend, one Summer Miracle (Yes, that is her real name) had just been accidentally shot in the leg by their dog, Diesel while she was asleep in bed.
Seriously, so far, The Jacksonville Police are actually believing this story. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.
Let’s look at the fact’s as we know them so far, and then you can be the judge.
Upon arriving at the scene of the crime, Brian Murphy told the responding officers that he and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, were sleeping, when Diesel, the dog woke him up wanting to go outside.
When Diesel and Murphy went back into the house, the dog led the way into the bedroom, he said, according to First Coast News and multiple other news sources.
Brian Murphy reported that he then saw a flash and heard a bang. He told police he thinks Diesel the dog, jumped up on a nightstand, somehow, causing a gun on it to fire. The bullet from Murphy’s gun hit Summer Miracle in the leg. Murphy told police he covered Miracle’s wound with a towel before calling 911.
Seriously??? This is the only story he can come up with, a modified version of the tried and true, totally unbelievable, the dog ate my homework excuse?
Also, what dumbass keeps a loaded gun on the nightstand with the barrel facing towards them?
Let’s look at the facts as I see them, of course, since this is my story, these truths, are the only ones that count.
First of all, I have previously written about how various wild animals are beginning to turn on us, especially squirrels, crabs, etc. but not dogs. No, never man’s best friend, the faithful and beloved dog. Man’s best friend would have to have a really good reason to turn upon him or a loved one.
I have a dog, his name is Homer. He has never, ever, tried to kill me, not with a gun or any other type of weapon of mass destruction. Sure, he periodically gets mad at me and pees or craps in the house, he steals food, or shreds paper towels, to try and annoy me sure, but to actually try and kill me, I think not at least not yet.
So, here’s a 25-year-old guy who for whatever reason goe’s to bed stupidly early and suddenly gets woken up from a dead sleep, because his dog, Diesel needs to go outside. This very fact alone should raise red flags.
Seriously, what 25-year-old guy goes to bed before 11:00 P.M. anyway. Hell, when I was 25, I specialised in 4-5 hours of sleep, per night, in between working full time, and partying late into the evenings. Not that I could do that now, Oh No!, but it was fun while it lasted.
So, Brian (and I will refer to him by his first name since he isn’t here to defend himself) wakes up because Diesel the dog want’s to go outside. (Now, mind you by the photos I saw on-line, Diesel the dog >looks like a purebred Rottweiler which is a really large breed of dog).
Brian get’s up out of bed and takes Diesel the dog outside, so Diesel can do his business. Upon completion of his dog duties, Diesel the dog comes ru back inside and “precedes” Brian into the bedroom. According to Brian, he then saw a flash and heard a bang before he could even get to the bedroom himself.
According to Brian, he thinks that diesel the dog jumped onto the nightstand where his gun was sitting and accidently fired the gun, striking his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, in the right leg.
But was it an accident? could Diesel the dog have actually decided to commit premeditated murder? Let’s explore that possibility.
Diesel the dog’s plan was brilliant in its sheer simplicity, Diesel the dog, woke up Brian on the false pretence that he needed to go outside to do what dogs do, then quickly do his business and rush back into the bedroom, jump up on the night table and fire the loaded handgun that Brian had so carelessly left there. The plan was perfect, except for the fact that Summer Miracle did not die, she was only wounded.So, evidently, Diesel the dog being unhappy that Summer Miracle was taking up the space that Diesel the dog felt was rightfully his, decided there was only one course of action. Diesel determined that the only rational course of action was to kill Summer Miracle, so he could rightfully reclaim his rightful place on the bed. Sounds perfectly reasonable right?
This sounds like a perfectly logical line of reasoning right? Are you kidding me? I don’t fucking think so.
What are the chances that an 80-100 pound dog would contemplate premeditated murder and somehow manage to stick his over-sized paws into the trigger guard, aim the weapon, and fire the gun, in an attempt to kill Summer Miracle? Any statisticians out there help me out, will you? the odds have to be astronomical right? Or are they?
Summer Miracle, claims that she was sound asleep, and has now idea how she was shot. Besides, Diesel the dog has never, ever, exhibited any sort of homicidal tendencies prior to that fateful night.
So, the facts as we know them are, Brian left a loaded handgun on the night table barrel facing towards the bed…. Check!
Brian, a healthy 25-year-old male, and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle were both sound asleep some time considerably prior to 11:05 P.M. ….Check!
The news reports made no mention if the Police inquired if drugs or alcohol was consumed by either Brian, Summer, or Diesel, the dog prior to the shooting incident…Check!
So let’s recap the three possibilities presented to us for how this crime was committed.
- Brian feeling trapped in a bad relationship felt compelled to kill Summer Miracle. Brian got Diesel the dog out of the house to avoid any eyewitnesses, made his way back the bedroom in the dark and shot Summer in an attempt to make it look like Diesel the dog did it. The only reason Summer Miracle is alive today is either she moved in her sleep while Brian was letting Diesel the dog out, it was dark, and quite possibly Brian is a really piss poor shot. It could also be a combination of the above.
- The other possible scenario is that Diesel the dog is a killer and actually tried to murder Summer Miracle. After all, dogs are very smart and very sneaky. It’s possible that Diesel the dog was harbouring a deep-seated resentment of Summer Miracle because Summer had displaced Diesel’s usual spot on the bed. Diesel having been relegated to the cold hard floor at night hatched a plan to get rid of Summer Miracle once and for all. After having studied the gun and how to fire it, Diesel hatched his plan to pretend to have to go outside, race into the bedroom ahead of brian, shoot Summer Miracle. Obviously, everyone would think it was just a tragic accident and nobody would be the wiser. However, the plan failed.
- Or, Brians story that this was strictly a freak accident, and Diesel the dog did, in fact, jump up on the nightstand and accidently shoot Summer Miracle
All three scenarios are possible, so I leave it up to you to decide for yourselves.
If you wish to weigh in on any of the scenarios or propose your own
Let me know, and I will add it so we can all debate it together.
In the meantime, I would suggest that if you have a dog, you may want to keep all loaded firearms or other potential weapons locked up just in case. You can never be too safe.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and news commentary loosely, O.K. very loosely based on actual events.
Couple Charged In Alleged Chip-Dip Fight Over The Last Beer
By Tom Dye
On March 5, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stories about Drunks, Tales of the Absurd
Couple Charged In Alleged Chip-Dip Fight Over The Last Beer. First of all, I would like to apologize for being remiss in my duties to provide equal opportunity sarcasm and satire to everyone, not just to the people in the great weird State of Florida. I intend to rectify this oversight right now. This story was inspired by events that happened in Canada, yes, Canada, our good friends to the North. Sit down, grab a Molson, and relax.
To my friends in Canada, this one’s for you.
So…Canada, you canucks have been sitting up there freezing your a–es off, lurking around my blog, laughing at all the stories inspired by events in the Great weird State of Florida. You guys think your pretty smug, Eh? If this is an attempt to be more absurd then the great weird State if Florida, then you’re off damn good start.
Well, what the f–k is this s–t? A chip and dip fight, over the last beer. What, was it a Molson? Kokanee? Black Horse? It had better have been something worth fighting over, Eh!
So, as the story goes these two hosers, from Ontario, a 39 year old man and a 41 year old woman, got into a huge food fight and attacked each other over the last beer. Evidently, one of the hoser’s was armed with the dip and the other the chips. Both were hosed after an afternoon of drinking a two-four, (for everyone else this is Canadian slang for a 24 pack of beer) it was finally down to the very last beer. We all already know that this is going to end badly.
This was obviously a very one sided fight, as chips do not make anywhere near as good a weapon as dip is. Think about it? It’s a matter of simple physics. Here’s an experiment you can try at home. Try throwing a single chip and see how far it flies. It’s OK, I can wait, give it a try.
Did you see what I mean? Chips have very little mass, and because of their shape, only fly about as well as a single, unfolded, post-It note. The person would have to be sitting about two feet from you to be even remotely in the line of fire. Then unless you have some sort of severe allergy to salt or starch, it’s not going to hurt you in anyway.
Dip on the other hand, is a terrifyingly accurate weapon, and messy too. Scoop up a handful of dip and fling it at your intended target and Splat!! This is very similar to what monkeys do at the zoo to people who are harassing them. Except the monkeys don’t fling onion dip. I suppose if you managed to fling dip in both of your victims eye, you may be able to cause some real damage.
When the Canadian Mounted Police finally arrived at the scene on an early Friday morning after a long hard ride. They confronted the couple, who were covered in chips and dip. I’m not making this up, that’s what the article said, “When officers arrived, they found both people covered in chips and dip”.
Try to imagine that two people covered in chips and dip? What, do Canadians buy chips and dip in five gallon containers? It must have looked like someone that was tarred and feathered from the colonial days. If I was one of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I think I would have fallen off my horse from laughing so hard. I wonder if the horses got to feast on chips and dip? Do horses even eat chips and dip?
As it turns out the Mounties had ridden out to this same couples home on 15 different occasions for previous domestic disputes. I bet the Mountie’s horses already knew the way, all they had to do was point them in the right direction. There was no mention in the original article about previous altercations involving chips and dip. Oh well, after attacking each other with chips and dip the couple is facing charges for domestic violence, involving chips and dip, in the first degree.
You know Canada, there is only one thing you can do to save face in an absurd case like this. Yep. that’s right you have to immediately exile this couple to Florida. Obviously, this is where they belong, trust me they will fit right in. That’s right, chips and dip hosers, Take-Off!
Seriously, we won’t mind them coming to Florida at all. After all, we have a lot of experience with Canadian snowbirds, here in great weird State of Florida during the winter months. They can’t possibly drive any more poorly then the rest of you.
I am not trying to stereotype all Canadian drivers, as I obviously have not seen all Canadian drivers. My only experience with Canadian drivers are just the ones I have personally observed right here in Florida. You can tell that they are from Canada because they have Canadian plates on their cars. I have seen Canadian drivers here in Florida that are such bad drivers, that I can only imagine the vast trail of destruction leading all the way from Canada to Florida. I wonder how many people were killed or maimed along the way, just so they could spent the winter months in the warm weather.
Now that I think about it, I haven’t actually had much interaction with Canadians. Maybe when Canadians are visiting The United States, they just don’t talk about it. I don’t know why they wouldn’t, we are a pretty friendly bunch, at least the 25% of us who aren’t carrying concealed weapons, or the small percentage of right wing-nuts who might believe that the Canadian flag with the red maple leaf is actually some sort of secret communist symbol or something. Hmmm, maybe Canadians may be safer just keeping it to themselves.
Of course, everyone remembers how the right-wing-nut Republican Presidential & Vice Presidential contenders unfairly bashed Canada’s healthcare system in 2008 and 2012.
I tell you what, If Canada would agree to take former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin off our hands, and airwaves, I am pretty sure you would have this countries utmost respect and gratitude. You would certainly have mine. I bet I could even get Ben Affleck to rewrite his Academy Award winning movie, “Argo” to give Canada the credit they actually deserved for the success of the rescue mission. Please, please, think about it.
You know, you can’t really blame most Americans, for our total ignorance about what Canada and Canadians are really like. After all, for most Americans, the only things we know about Canada, came from; “South Park – the Movie”. In case you haven’t seen it, I have posted a video clip below, for your viewing and listening pleasure.
Before I start getting hate mail, I want to state unequivocally, that I don’t have anything against Canada, Canadian citizens, or anyone else in any other country for that matter.
Remember, you guys started it first, by posting a headline that was so absurd, it was just begging for my attention.
But, if you take me up on my offer to take Sarah Palin off our hands and airwaves, I will certainly work my very best to get Canada’s good name restored, once and for all.
OK, you win….For the love of God, Please, Please, I am begging you!!!!!
As Always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content, as soon as it’s posted.If you enjoy profoundrevelations.com, please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, snapchat, YouTube, share it by email, or shout it from the rooftops, to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.
Share this: Story
Like this: