PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Religion

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God.  A 29-year-old woman claiming to be God was arrested after torching her car at a Florida gas station.  Seriously, when you just read this headline were you even remotely surprised that this absurd incident happened in the great weird State of Florida?

If you have been reading past stories in Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd,  you will certainly know by now that the State of Florida has by far the highest ratio of absurd events per capita than anywhere else on the entire planet. I actually really enjoy living in Florida, talk about inspiration.

I am pretty certain that  Christians waiting for God to return to this earth, this was definitely not how they envisioned it happening.

A 29-year-old woman, in Daytona Beach, Florida, pulled up to a gas station/ convenience store, sprayed the outside of the car with a liberal amount of gasoline and ran into the store and grabbed a disposable lighter. Nothing unusual so far right? Petty theft is certainly not uncommon, but a woman muttering “I have got to get out of here” and “I am God” over and over is a little bit out of the norm, even for the great weird State of Florida.

An employee at the convenience store chased down God  to retrieve the pilfered disposable cigarette lighter. Evidently, even God has to pay for merchandise just like the rest of us.  The clerk Gas station worker bravely fought with God to get the lighter. The brave worker managed to get back the stolen lighter, but noticed a strong smell of gasoline on her hands, so he wisely backed off. Unfortunately God  grabbed another lighter and fled the store,  and the next thing you know Whoosh!!! God had just torched her car. The blaze was described by one of the employees as 15 barbeques all being fired up at once. Kind of an interesting analogy, but you get the general idea.

Torched Scion

God Torched her Scion

Another quick thinking employee shut down the pumps by activating the emergency shut-off switch, which prevented the entire gas station from blowing up.

Evidently, God doesn’t like dogs either. I know that’s hard to believe, because after all who doesn’t like dogs? A bystander noticed that God’s two dogs were in the flaming car, which was quickly becoming an inferno. The brave bystander managed to open the passenger side door and successfully rescue the two helpless animals, before they became barbecued dogs. This guy absolutely deserves a medal for bravery. I am pretty sure that the two dogs would agree with me as well.

After torching her car, God calmly walked out to the road, sat down in the middle of the road and waited for  a car to hit her. God was still in the middle of the road when the police arrived on the scene some minutes later. God was taken to a mental health facility for a mental health evaluation.

As for the gas station, the  station only suffered a melted pump hose from the incident. The gas station reopened right away. I am not sure if you  can thank God for that small miracle, In this case I would think not.

I have big issues with this whole incident being caused by a direct intervention from God.  As usual, being Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am going to analyze this entire incident using my SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess). I think I can debunk the entire God returning to earth as a petty thief, arsonist who attempted to barbecue her dogs alive and burn down the gas station theory, in pretty short order.

First things first – Would God be caught dead driving a Scion? I think not. I am pretty sure that God would have more class than that. Personally, I don’t know why a supreme being that is described as all-powerful and all-knowing, would even bother with cars.  If God did need a car I would think God would choose something a little more classy such as a Jaguar, Mercedes or even a high-end BMW.

Secondly, all gas stations in Florida are either pay at the pump first with a credit or debit card.  Or you have to go in and pay the cashier, prior to pumping gas.   Assuming that God actually decided he/she need a car, and certainly not a Scion, why would God need money or debit cards for anyway? I seem to remember that God had a real issue with money. Remember the story about the money changers at the temple?

I would also like to talk to the credit card company that issued God a credit card. I have no idea how God could have a good credit history, drivers license, employment history or other identification. If God himself created the credit card, wouldn’t  that amount to credit card fraud?

Also, why would God even need a disposable cigarette lighter for anyway? I would think that creating fire would be a fairly easy stunt for someone who created all the heavens and the earth and is all-knowing and all-powerful. I mean for all the miracles that are attributed to God, creating a small flame would be like child’s play to a supreme being. Seriously, think about it.

Also, as a dog lover myself,  I cannot imagine God attempting to barbecue alive two of his/her most loyal and loving creatures. If dogs are man’s best friend, I would think that they hold a special place in God’s heart as well. I know what you are thinking, “God giveth and God taketh away”. OK, Point well taken, However, I would Imagine that God would “taketh” away in a much less cruel fashion.

Finally, as far as sitting in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit her. I believe that this would be a fairly futile act by any God. One, it would never happen and two, if it did what difference would it make. Remember that God supposedly is all-knowing and all-powerful, so what would a mere automobile do to a supreme being? Why absolutely nothing of course.

If God is all-knowing he/she would know that a car is not going to hit them anyway. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that a car did hit God while she was sitting in the middle of the road. Then wouldn’t mean that God wasn’t entirely all-knowing or all-powerful after all?

You know this particular SWAG analysis just reminded me of an old George Carlin routine from the 1970’s. So, here’s a little parting gift, a very rare video of one of George Carlin’s early performances attempting to describe God. Enjoy!

Once again the SWAG theory has led us to the inescapable conclusion that this delusional woman is not God. Evidently, this poor woman is just suffering from some sort of severe mental break with reality. We can thank God that neither the dogs or anyone at the gas station was injured in this bizarre incident.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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God Allegedly Tells Family To Get Naked And Walk Down The Street

God Allegedly Tells Family To ‘Get Naked And Walk Down The Street’. Really? Evidently God is a real comedian or maybe they were listening to the wrong God.

Recently in Charlotte, North Carolina a woman in her twenties and her mother, who was in her forties, were seen walking down the street naked. The younger woman was carrying her baby, and her toddler-aged child was walking with them. Obviously, the Police stopped the family, considering naked people walking down the street naked, are not an everyday occurrence. When the Police inquired as to why they were walking down the street naked, the God fearing adults told them they were just following God’s instructions.

This incident brings up a lot of questions. First of all I am pretty sure that your are not supposed to question God’s commands. However, how do you know you are really talking to THE GOD?. Seriously, when I was a kid and did something stupid, just because one of my idiot friends told me too, he would sometimes ask me “If someone told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?”

Think about that for a minute? Why would God ask you to strip off all your clothes and humiliate yourself by walking down the street naked? What possible gain would God have to make you do something like that? I have a sneaky suspicion that this may not have been the real God at all, at least not in this case.

I mean if God is all knowing and all powerful and created life, the universe and everything, I would think that he/she would be just a little busy keeping things going, then to focus on a couple of insignificant dimwits in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Then to convince  said dimwits to walk down the street naked.

Unless,  you examine the other possibility. This could be another example of a Godly sense of humor. Hey, you never know, maybe God was sitting around with some of the other Gods, and decided to play a little practical joke, on these poor dumba–es, after all God has demonstrated a pretty good sense of humor in the past.

Yes, God has previously demonstrated a supreme sense of humor. Here’s a photo of a prime example.

Duck Billed Platypus

Duck Billed Platypus

The unusual appearance of this egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal baffled European naturalists when they first encountered it, with some considering it an elaborate fraud. It is one of the few venomous mammals, the male platypus having a spur on the hind foot that delivers a venom capable of causing severe pain to humans. The unique features of the platypus make it an important subject in the study of evolutionary biology.

I believe that God created the Duck Billed Platypus, specifically just to f–k with Charles Darwin, the father of modern Evolutionary Biology.

There are many other examples of God’s sense of humor as well, e.g. – burying fake carbon dated dinosaur bones all over the world, evidently just to mess with the Creationists, the Loch ness Monster, Sasquatch, extraterrestrial flying saucer flybys, crop circles, periodically convincing a few dimwits that the world is going to end (this seems to be one of God’s favorite practical jokes), etc., etc.

Next time the disembodied voice of God tells you to do something really stupid, maybe you should first ask yourself “Am I the prime candidate in an elaborate practical joke, or am I really being singled out to carry out the command of God? Maybe, God is just testing you to make sure that your not just a dimwitted rube. After all, it could very well be that dimwitted idiots are the last kind of people that Gods wants to to be his spokespersons. Think about it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Petition To Recognize Westboro Baptist Church As Hate Group Becomes Most Popular Ever

White House Petition To Recognize Westboro Baptist Church As Hate Group Becomes Most Popular Ever. Really? What a shocker. Usually, I don’t mention names, or locations in my stories. However, this time I feel compelled to comment directly, and by name. This story is a departure from my usual absurd satire. This despicable, disgusting group, The Westboro Baptist Church, is not funny at all.

The Westboro Babtist Church is a anti-semitic, racist, homophobic, bigoted, hate group, who actually attempt to thinly disguise their particular brand of hate speech by wrapping it in quasi-religious doctrine, as well as First Amendment protections. Their sole purpose is to seek publicity through atrocious acts, and statements to the press.

This is my special commentary. I am calling them out, for what, and who, they really are.

So What is the Westboro Baptist Church? Per the generic Wikipedia entry: The Westboro Baptist Church is an American independent Baptist church known for its extreme ideologies, especially those against homosexuality. The church is widely described as a hate group and is monitored as such by the Anti-Defamation League and Southern Poverty Law Center. It is headed by Fred Phelps and consists primarily of members of his large family. The Westboro Baptist Church is based out of Topeka, Kansas.

This doesn’t even begin to describe them.So what doe’s the Westboro Baptist Church do that is so offensive?

Westboro Protest

One of the more despicable acts that the Westboro Baptist Church does is to picket funerals across the country, especially military funerals. The photograph above illustrates one of their typical protests. They have also protested several other high profile funerals. This hate group had also planned to protest the funerals of the twenty small children, teachers, and administrators, killed in Newtown, Connecticut, In the last example the group was scared off by public outrage.

Protesting the funerals of cops, soldiers, and small children tragically gunned down while in school, are you f–king kidding me? There is no real religion on the planet that would condone this type of behavior. Are you telling me that somewhere in the bible it says I should disrupt the funerals of anyone, not just cops, soldiers, or children, tragically killed, and hold up signs that say; God Hates Fags, Thank God For Dead Soldiers, God Hates The USA, Thank God For IED’s, etc.

This groups stated reason for all these despicable acts and statements is, this is God’s direct retribution for societies support for gay rights. The WBC specifically asserts that every tragedy in the world, is linked to homosexuality—specifically society’s increasing tolerance and acceptance of the so-called homosexual agenda.

That’s right this sicko group believes that twenty small children killed at school, soldiers killed in action and many other actions are God’s direct retribution for support of gay rights in America. Since when doe’s God retaliate against people, and small children that had virtually nothing to do with supporting gay rights?

There is a lot more things that the WBC has issues with including; protesting Jewish groups because they are the loudest voices in support of gay rights and abortion, that is according to the Westboro Baptist Church. This group has also protested and made inflammatory remarks against, The Catholic Church, The Protestant Church, The Eastern Orthodox Church, Judaism  Islam, Hinduism, and much more.

The Westboro Baptist Church also believes that President Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ. The WBC has also condemned specific countries as well including Italy and Australia. The one thing you can say about the WBC is they are an equal opportunity hate group that seems to hate virtually anybody, and everybody. Calling this hate group a “church”, is a stretch at best.

The WBC is not affiliated with any Baptist denomination  The two main Baptist conferences; The Southern Baptist Convention, and The Baptist World Alliance, have both routinely condemned, and disavowed the WBC over the years. Calling yourself a church, doe’s not make you a church.

This group is no more a church then I am. That’s right, If I formed; The Church of Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, and preached that God now insists that everyone now has to wear safety glasses, and hard hats, only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, or suffer the wrath of God, I could do it. This concept is no more absurd then the bulls–t hate speech that the WBC spews out all the time, all in the name of God.

The WBC consists of less then forty people and is comprised mostly of one extended family. A bigoted, racist, homophobic, family spewing hate, hardly qualifies them as a church.The WBC has won several court cases protecting their right to free speech. While I fully support everyone’s right to free speech, which is one of the founding principles of the United States of America, Even free speech has limits. Words are powerful, you cannot yell fire in a crowded theater, you cannot threaten to blow up a school, or threaten the President.

There are consequences to stepping over the line, and then trying to claim free speech protections. The WBC is starting to find out what these ramifications are.Nowadays, at virtually every funeral that the WBC announces plans to protest, there is a very large showing of counter protesters, townspeople, volunteers, including the Patriot Guard Riders who show up and form a human shield, with their backs to the WBC to protect friends and families of the deceased from having to see, or hear, any of the groups hateful signs or speeches.

Recently the infamous international hackers group Anonymous has announced their intentions to destroy the WBC. Check the Anonymous video statement to the WBC below. One thing I know for sure, if I received a very public threat like this from a notorious international hackers group like Anonymous, I would be very, very, afraid.

Anonymous video statement to the WBC

(Don’t worry link opens video in a new tab so you won’t lose your place)

Anonymous has already hacked into the various WBC websites,  email,  and social media accounts, and has published the main members personal phone numbers, email addresses, and home addresses. According to the video this is only the beginning of a long term, sustained attack, upon the Westboro Baptist Church.

Even though I don’t condone vigilante actions, in this case I am somewhat ambivalent to these tactics. I am also pretty sure that the FBI, or any other law enforcement agency, is not going to bother spending much time or resources protecting the WBC from these international hackers. I am pretty sure that the FBI will give this all of the consideration it deserves. In some cases, the end justifies the means.

In this particular case, I agree that if no one is willing to take any action, to stop these nut cases, who call themselves The Westboro Baptist Church then Anonymous is justified to do it for us. Like I said previously, words have power, and consequences.

Now the White house has several petitions posted by the people, demanding the FBI, and the Federal Government, label the WBC as a hate group. These petitions further demand that the IRS remove the WBC’s tax exempt status. These petitions collectively have received more signatures then any other White house petition ever. As of this writing there were more then three hundred thousand signatures, and counting. So as we can plainly see the Westboro Baptist Church is not a church at all, they are a bigoted, homophobic, hate group that attempts to twist and distort religious doctrine for their own ends. Wrapping hate speech in a clock of religion does not gain them respectability, it only exposes their true colors.

Even though, I myself, am not religious, I am pretty sure that if their was a God, he would not be amused by the things the Westboro Baptist Church does in his name. There must be a special place, reserved in hell, just for this group.I do believe that how you live your life matters. The path the members of the Westboro Baptist Church has chosen is evil, and destructive. No matter what happens to these homophobic bigots, now or in the future, most of society will not mourn, or be saddened, when they fade away into the fog of history, for the world will be a better place without them. They are part of a multitude of groups, and individuals, best forgotten and ignored.

As I said previously, words, and actions, are powerful, and have consequences. You can use words and actions for  good or for evil, the choice is yours alone. We all decide our own path in life. Unfortunately for the members of The Westboro Baptist Church, I believe that the consequences will be severe, and long lasting.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.
Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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