Disgruntled Beaver trashes Dollar Store After Discovering Trees Are Fake!
Charlotte Hall, Maryland – This is a sad but true story. You really can’t make this stuff up.
A Beaver, yes a real Beaver, you know the furry kind with buck-teeth and a flat tail wandered into a Dollar Store in Charlotte Hill, Maryland, looking for a real Christmas tree to make the holidays a little more cheerful for her Beaver family.
Photo, courtesy of The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office
Seriously, This is one Beaver that I actually understand, and I fully support. We’ve all been there. You go into a local Dollar Store searching for that one item that will really make your family smile during the holiday season, only to discover that everything available is anything but that perfect item that you’re looking for. To make matters worse, anything you can find turns out to be nothing more than a cheap Chinese knock-off of the real thing.
Truth be told, all of us should be supporting Beavers. Beaver’s have it far worse the anyone of us can imagine. Climate change, deforestation, as well as, illegal tree poaching and not to mention Federal logging restriction’s, meant that there were virtually no “REAL” Christmas trees to be found anywhere near Mrs. Beaver’s family lodge and surrounding community along the river.
Unfortunately, this sad story is not just an isolated incident involving Mrs. Beaver, her community and especially her immediate family. This tragic scenario is happening right now at virtually every Beaver lodge, and to every Beaver family, across the entire country.
This dire situation has made it almost impossible for poor Beaver families to live any kind of normal existence. Sadly, nobody is standing up and advocating for Beavers rights. I am not just advocating for only Mrs. Beaver and her family. Oh no!,
I am advocating for all Beavers, young, old, and in-between. I am not just going to stand idly by while the Beavers entire existence is being threatened. I intend on righting this wrong, right here, right now.
Let me just say right now, I love Beavers, I support Beavers, and my intention is to bring their plight to the attention of the media, and anyone else who will listen.
So, back to our story….. Poor Mrs. Beaver walked all the way into town from the far away woods near, the river, in the freezing cold. Before you even ask, obviously, Mrs. Beaver walked into town because as everyone knows Beavers can’t drive because they are way too short, and can’t reach the brake, or gas pedal.
After a 3 1/2 hour perilous journey all the way into the closest town, all the while dodging poachers, oncoming traffic, and other close calls with serious injury, or even death, Mrs. Beaver finally arrived at the Charlotte Hall, Dollar Store. She was a very determined Beaver.
Mrs. Beaver knew exactly what she was looking for, she had been dreaming of, and skimping, and saving, all year-long just to buy a nice, Douglas Fir, or Blue Spruce, “REAL” Christmas tree. This year-long sacrifice was just to surprise the kids, and she was determined to give them the very best Christmas they ever had, she rushed into the store and headed straight to the Christmas aisle.
Photo courtesy of The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office
As Mrs. Beaver was perusing the selection of Christmas trees, checking every box and label, she slowing came to the realization that her entire journey, as well as a full year’s worth of skimping and saving for this very moment, was all for nothing.
WTF???? She now realized that everything she had hoped and dreamed of was just one big retail Christmas con-job. You see there were no “REAL Christmas trees. The only Christmas trees to be found were nothing more than cheap, plastic, Chinese knock-off’s of real wood Christmas trees. Obviously, Beavers are experts on trees. Mrs. Beaver wasn’t fooled, not for even a moment.
When the realization slowly set in that everything she had been dreaming of was never going to happen, the mild-mannered Mrs. Beaver suddenly just snapped. In a fit of rage, she started trashing everything in her path.
Photo courtesy of: The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office
Terrified shoppers ran out of the store in a panic, store employees locked themselves inside the back storeroom, and eventually, somebody called 911, and The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Department responded.
Mrs. Beaver was apprehended and immediately arrested and jailed without bond.
For a lot of us, this would be the end of the story, but not for Mrs. Beaver, this is where her story actually begins……
Once Mrs. Beaver was hauled off to jail and denied bail by the judge, the 24-hour cable news media picked up her story. Her story was just as quickly shared on FaceBook, and Twitter, and re-shared hundreds of thousands of times. It didn’t take long before thousands of people around the country were demanding the immediate release of Mrs. Beaver. When the local Sheriff declined, hundreds of people soon began to descend upon the small town of Charlotte Hall, MD.
It soon became apparent to the local small town Law Enforcement that they had made a serious mistake. You see, Mrs. Beaver is a North American Beaver and one of the original Native Americans. North American Beavers have been a beloved symbol of wisdom and benevolence in Native American folklore for centuries.
Mrs. Beaver’s only crime being that she was poor and distraught because she couldn’t find a single “real” American Christmas tree for her family for the holidays. Mrs. Beaver, in her utter despair and frustration, caused $3.67 worth of damage to merchandise inside the Dollar Store. People from all walks of life, from all over the country, felt an immediate connection to Mrs. Beavers frustration, and unjust incarceration.
Soon, hundreds of Beaver supporters came streaming into town, demanding justice for Mrs. Beaver. The protesters organized a march starting from the Beaver community on the edge of town, all the way to the jail, retracing Mrs. Beavers steps during her arduous journey into town. As the hundreds of protesters marched into town singing songs and carrying signs mostly saying “Beavers Lives Matter, “Free the Beaver” and “Shame on you for locking up the Beaver” their numbers swelled with every passing hour until their numbers far surpassed the number of local town residents.
As the hundreds of protesters marched into town singing songs and carrying signs mostly saying “Beavers Lives Matter, “Free the Beaver” and “Shame on you for locking up the Beaver” their numbers swelled with every passing hour until their numbers far surpassed the number of town residents..
Of course, there were also a few counter protesters yelling “Lock her up” and holding signs saying “Eat the Beaver” and “The only good Beaver is a bald Beaver”. However, these counter-protesters soon felt overwhelmed quickly dispersed into the holes from wherever they came from.
The Charlotte Hall Mayor and Town Council soon called an emergency meeting and voted unanimously to immediately release Mrs. Beaver and drop all charges against her. A kindly benefactor even paid the $3.67 in damages that were incurred at the Dollar Store.
As soon as Mrs. Beaver appeared at the front door of the Courthouse, now a free Beaver, a huge cheer, and applause arose from the crowd. After a few tearful words of thanks to her supporters, she was immediately hoisted up onto the shoulders of one of the protesters and carried all the way back to her families lodge along the river in the forest outside of town. The hundreds of protesters followed her back to her lodge all the while weeping tears of joy and singing songs.
And then…. rounding the last turn into Mrs. Beavers community of lodges, and canals along the river, still perched atop the shoulders of the protester only known as Big Bill, and followed by hundreds of her supporters, directly in front of her was a breathtaking sight.
Where there were no Christmas trees to be found as far as the eye could see now stood hundreds.
Christmas Trees
Unbeknownst to Mrs. Beaver, while she was unjustly incarcerated, hundreds of Christmas trees were donated and delivered to the Beaver community from as far away as California, Maine, and even Canada.
The entire Beaver community turned out for Mrs. Beavers triumphant return. There were many joyful tears, with songs, and dancing, well into the early morning hours. Not to mention the good food and drink for all.
As the sun slowly rose from the East, Mrs. Beaver gazed into the early morning light, and finally came to the realization she was exactly where she belonged and her life would never be the same again… and that too is exactly how it was meant to be.
As Always…
I Am,
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This News Commentary is an original work of satire, from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
The original news story that inspired this article can be found — “HERE”.
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BunnyMan Smackdown, Officer Charged With Assault!
By Tom Dye
On December 10, 2016
In News Commentary, Satire, Tales of the Absurd
BunnyMan Smackdown, Officer Charged With Assault!
HOPATCONG, N.J. – On November 16, 2016, BunnyMan, a.k.a. Kevin Hemmerich, entered the Hopatcong, N.J. Police Department to turn himself in for a warrant related to a traffic accident.
Let me make one perfectly clear, BunnyMan is not a nickname for Kevin Hemmerich. Kevin dresses up in an actual bunny costume.
This story was covered by dozens of local, national and international mainstream media outlets including; ABC, NBC, AP and a multitude of others. The strange thing is every single one of them repeated the story almost exactly word for word. So obviously, we are not being told the entire story.
As Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I have done the deep digging to get to the real facts of the matter. In previously articles, I have warned you about the dangers of killer squirrels, the dangers of giant spiders, and even how dogs are the four-legged spies amongst us. However, the BunnyMan phenomena may well be the greatest threat to us all.
Lets first look at what the mainstream media reported. Allegedly, Keven Hemmerich dressed in a BunnyMan costume, entered the Hopatcong, N.J. Police Department armed with an air-horn and attempted to turn himself in because of a warrant regarding a traffic accident.
Upon entering the lobby of the Police Department and being totally ignored by the Police, BunnyMan proceeded to blow one of those compressed gas type air-horns to get some service. Good thing that BunnyMan just happened to have an air-horn in his possession because it worked. Talk about a great way to draw attention to one’s self.
OK, I will be the first to admit that BunnyMan was a little “over exuberant” in his judicious use of his air horn to get the attention of the Hopatcong Police. However, he sought to get attention, and he got it. In less than 90 seconds, a Hopatcong Police officer enters the lobby, gets right up in BunnyMans personal space and slapped BunnyMan right across the face. This horrific act of Police Brutality (0r animal cruelty?) was all caught on video by BunnyMan’s brother.
The Police officer, Nicholas Maresca Jr. was eventually charged with one count of simple assault. And this my friends is where literally every mainstream media outlet ended this story. Seriously? What’s f**king wrong with these so called, mainstream media News outlets? It’s no wonder they have lost all credibility with their readers.
So, after consulting with various experts around the country, I mean really intelligent people, all are involved in various academic disciplines and asking them the tough questions that you have come to expect from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I was still struggling for an answer.
After many, many, more hours of consultations, and days of exhaustive research, not to mention gallons of coffee, it suddenly came to me in a flash. I finally had the revelation I had been seeking all along.
This information I’m about to give you is really disturbing. There were only two logical conclusions that adequately describe this type behavior. Both scenarios are absurd, but only one truly fits all the facts.
My first thought was, (which by the way I am assigning a very low probability (<10%)) is that BunnyMan is actually trying to pull off the stunt as was first described by Arlo Guthrie in 1969 in his classic song, “Alice’s Restaurant Massacree”.
(If you have been in a coma for 40 years, or are from another planet, and are not familiar with “Alice’s Restaurant”. Just go to YouTube, and type it in.)
Forty-seven years ago, Arlo Guthrie described a way to get out of the draft. However, this technique could easily be adapted to several different scenarios. In part, Arlo wrote:
“Walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in, say, “Shrink, . . . you
Can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant”, and walk out.
You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they may think he’s
Really sick and they won’t take him”
Like I said, I did assign this first scenario a very, very, low probability. I am just trying to be totally transparent in my thought process here.
However, a much greater probability (>90%) is far more insidious, and a very scary prospect. Actually, this one really scares the crap out of me. Unfortunately, this is where the bulk of the evidence points to.
My conclusion is that we are only seeing the very tip of the iceberg. BunnyMan is only the first of many, soon to be hundreds, or even thousands, of reported cases of people acting erratically and dressing up as Bunnies, Dogs, Cats, Hamsters, or whatever animal meets their fancy.
What I see occurring here is that people are starting to experience a type of psychotic break with reality in response to the incredible stress of the events of 2016. This year was the most polarizing and stressful in modern times. It is almost too much to turn stress just to just to turn on the News because we know there will be another report of loss and destruction. For many of us, this is just too much to bear.
Think about it, in 2016, we lost some of the biggest artists of our time, David Bowie, Prince and many, many others. This was also the year of extreme political turmoil around the world, Brexit, Bernie Sanders, Hillary’s emails, Donald Trump, the refugee crisis, and not to mention the total collapse of the regular world order.
This massive upheaval and upending of our normal reality is obviously causing some people to revert to simpler ways of life as a coping mechanism. Think about it, some of us may find that reverting to the safe mentality of common animals such as bunnies, cats, dogs, or other kind and furry animals who do not suffer from human levels of stress, or the ravages of human intelligence is a very compelling option.
Mark my words! We are going to see this so called “BunnyMan” phenomenon play out more and more in the coming weeks and months, and there is nothing we can do about it. These poor souls do however need our help.
Just remember when you see these adults dressed up as kind furry animals don’t recoil in fear, or take pity on them. Just talk softly, scratch them behind the ears and tell them everything will be OK.
Eventually, this too shall pass, as all things eventually do. With our love and compassion, these poor BunnyMan will eventually be re-integrated into society along with their dog, cat and hampster companions.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This News Commentary is an original work of satire, from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
The original news story that inspired this article can be found — “HERE”.
Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy profoundrevelations.com, Please tell your friends, family, and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.
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