PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Indecent exposure Page 1 of 2

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops. Well, here we go again… Of course, this incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida, St. Augustine,  to be exact. This is not something you would expect to happen in a quaint little historic town on Florida’s East coast.

St. Augustine, Florida

St. Augustine, Florida

Here’s a guy who broke into a home, allegedly just to masturbate. This is the first time I have ever heard of such a thing. I can only assume that this half-wit has some sort of bizarre architecture fetish and feels compelled to masturbate on the inside of interesting or unique architectural structures. I am going to give this strangely bizarre fetish a name right now. Remember you heard it here first, from Tom Dye, the Safety Guy.

OK, you ready? Drum roll please…………….

The official term for this strange mental disorder, shall now and forever be called: Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome (AAAS).

Our AAAS sufferer, Jason Lee Vickery, 23 as he was identified by Law Enforcement is definitely someone you should be on the lookout for. Certainly don’t let your daughter date this guy. All you young mother’s out there, if you see this guy walking down the street, move the other side of the street and shield your children’s eyes. And for God’s sake do not, ever, under any circumstances, shake this dudes hand. Study this picture really, really, well.  Better yet, print it out and paste it on the ol’ refrigerator.

 

Jason Lee Vickery

Jason Lee Vickery

 

Oh, but it gets even better my friends, just as our AAAS sufferer, Jason,  was about to get down to the deed, he was distracted by a toy remote-controlled helicopter that just happened to be lying around nearby. The helicopter was green. I have no idea if the color green had anything to do with his actions or not, I am just reporting the facts. This dumb–s was so fascinated by the green toy helicopter that he actually rummaged around until he found the remote-controlled helicopter’s batteries so he could take it for a spin around the inside of the house.

 

Remote Controlled Helicopter

Remote Controlled Helicopter

 

I do have to admit, this little jewel does look like it would be a blast to fly around the house.  But, I digress, let’s get back to our story.

After buzzing the green remote-controlled helicopter around the house for a while, this half-wit then proceeded to see if he could be even more off the wall. After tiring of playing with the little green helicopter, Jason our AAAS sufferer, pulled out a green salad that he just happened to have with him and proceeded to eat it.

Remember what I said before about the color green? First, he was distracted from masturbating by a “green” radio controlled helicopter, then he was distracted by a “green” salad, that he just happened to have with him. What the hell! How many f–ktards carry around a green salad in their pockets anyway?

This brings up a really interesting point, is there something about the color green that sets off,  Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome sufferers? Doe’s the color green somehow cause AAAS suffers to compulsively act on their bizarre Architecturbation fantasies? Someone should seriously be studying this. If evidence proves decisively that this is true, then maybe the cure could be as simple as AAAS sufferers wearing special glasses that filter out the color green. We will just have to wait to see what the Scientist’s come up with.

After finishing his delicious green salad, that Jason just happened to have with him, in his pocket, this obsessed half-wit AAAS sufferer made his way to a second floor bathroom where he succumbed to his AAAS obsession.

But wouldn’t you know it, before he could complete his dirty deed, Jason our AAAS sufferer heard voices coming from outside. Jason bolted to the backyard, where the voices he thought he heard were actually Sheriffs Deputies that were coming to the home to arrest our trespassing AAAS sufferer.

Law Enforcement arrested him. I am pretty sure that the Sheriff’s Deputies did not want to shake Jason’s hand either. The Deputies say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig.

Jason Lee Vickery, was charged with larceny and burglary. This is really disturbing, in the arrest report, it talks about our half-wit playing with the little green remote-controlled helicopter. The report goes onto state that by flying the helicopter  “Jason Lee Vickery, thus depriving the owner of the item and its battery life”. That sounds pretty f–king serious to me. I think he is going to be going away for a really long time, on that one charge alone.

I am not sure if the wig he was carrying is symptomatic of people suffering from AAAS or not. as I am not very familiar with the illness. After-all, I just gave it a name for the first time ever, a few short minutes ago.

At least Jason was carrying around a towel, as he should.

As the great visionary, Ford Prefect, once said: “Never ever,leave home without a towel”.

In case you missed it, I have written about something similar to this absurd incident previously. Of course, it also occurred in the great weird State of Florida. If you’re interested, you can read all about it by–> Clicking Here.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One

Things You Can’t Do Naked: Assault A 7-11 Clerk. Assaulting a 7-11 clerk seems like one of the obvious things, that you can’t do naked. You should not be assaulting 7-11 clerks, fully clothed either. Trust me, Law Enforcement frowns upon this type activity, naked or not.

There is way too many of these naked antics in the NEWS, on a seemingly regular basis, It occurs to me that we need to have a remedial lesson on; Things You Can’t Do Naked. Hopefully, this handy guide will help prevent future tragedies.

How many times do I have to say it, doing the same thing, over and over, and over, and then expecting different results, is the very definition of insanity. Naked people seem to never learn.

You may want to get a pen and paper for this one, as you may want to take notes.

Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One

WELDING AND GRINDING

Important safety tip: For this activity, “Always wear safety glasses” Have you ever used a grinder on a metal object? or used a cutting torch? If not, you must have seen it done either on television or even in person. You would know that this particular activity throws off a tremendous amount of red hot sparks, and red hot metal fragments.

These red hot sparks and metal fragments are thrown off at speeds of several hundred miles per hour.

Let me tell you, this is one activity that you never, ever, want to do naked. Can you imagine red hot sparks or metal fragments landing on, embedding into, and burning your wanker, or breasts, or whatever? Go ahead imagine it. This is not something you want to experience, now, or ever.  Just imagining explaining these burns, and injuries to your partner, or Emergency Room Physician.

SLIDING INTO HOME PLATE

Examine this image closely. Do I even need to go into what would happen if you tried this naked? I wouldn’t even want to try this with clothes on. Can you imagine your genitals getting the worlds worst case of road rash? Hell, You may even scrape the entire thing off, genitals, nipples, skin, etc. Not to mention how are you going to get all that dirt out of all the nooks and cranny’s.

There are other sports as well, that could pose serious health issues or injuries,
if played naked.

BEE KEEPING

Here’s something, that I suppose might be OK to do naked, if you were a highly trained professional, and knew exactly what you were doing.

Important Safety Tip: Do not try this at home.

Bees are perfectly docile and can be handled quite easily, if you know exactly what you are doing.

As you can see this beekeeper is safely handling a large quantity of bees. This beekeeper is removing a large hive located in the tree to another location. Notice the bees seem to be very calm. The beekeeper is wearing a special suit. Somehow, this special suit seems to calm the bees, and prevent them from swarming and stinging. Maybe it;s the really large hood that fools them.

This is what happens when you try this naked.

COOKING FRIED FOODS

Important Safety Tip: Fried foods are not good for you and should be avoided as much as possible.

OK, I am not here to comment on your diet, to each their own. But trust me there is real danger when you heat oil to very high temperatures, and add meat to it. It does not have to be chicken, it could be anything.

Don’t worry, I have some tips for safe naked cooking.

I know, I know, some of you may like to cook naked, for your spouse, or girlfriend, or they may like doing the same for you. This is usually a prelude to a really great evening, if you know what I mean. There is virtually nothing wrong with this naked fun activity. However, you need to seriously consider not cooking anything that involves boiling hot oil. Baked, grilled, boiled, etc. are a much better option.

Have you ever cooked fried chicken? Have you ever been splattered with one or more of those microscopic drops of boiling oil? Well, you know how much that smarts. Now imagine, if you were to splatter, or spill hot boiling oil, on one of the more sensitive parts of the male or female anatomy? I believe that this would make for a “hands off” type situation, for at least a couple of weeks, or more. Think about it.

SHOWING UP IN COURT

Important Safety Tip: Never, ever, show up in court naked.
No matter how flimsy the evidence against you, no matter how many witnesses you have to speak of your good charter, or to provide an alibi for you, if you show up naked, all bets are off. Trust me on this one.

The Judge will not be amused, and he will throw the book at you.
The jury will think that if your crazy or stupid enough to pull a stunt like this, then whatever you are accused of, no matter what the evidence against you, you must have did the crime as well.

MEN SNORKELING

Men snorkeling with sharks, dolphins or large fish.
I don’t care how big you believe your wanker to be, sharks, dolphins or large fish, are only going to view your “appendage” as their normal food supply, bait fish.

I don’t need to go into graphic detail as to what would happen if one of these marine animals thought your little Johnson looked like dinner, and decided to take a bite.

Have you ever seen the set of teeth on sharks, dolphins or barracudas?  Think about it.

There are lots of other activities as well. Football, Soccer, Rugby, juggling with fire, or knives, and much, much, more. These will be discussed in much more detail in future editions of “Things You Can’t Do Naked”

Do you know of an activity, that you can’t or shouldn’t do naked? By all means leave a comment below. Be sure to include your first name, State, or Country where you live, and include your one to six word description, of the thing or activity, that you can’t do naked. I will create the rest of the story, and include it in Part Two, of  “Things You Can’t Do Naked”. Don’t be shy, lets hear some of your ideas.

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated

God Allegedly Tells Family To Get Naked And Walk Down The Street

God Allegedly Tells Family To ‘Get Naked And Walk Down The Street’. Really? Evidently God is a real comedian or maybe they were listening to the wrong God.

Recently in Charlotte, North Carolina a woman in her twenties and her mother, who was in her forties, were seen walking down the street naked. The younger woman was carrying her baby, and her toddler-aged child was walking with them. Obviously, the Police stopped the family, considering naked people walking down the street naked, are not an everyday occurrence. When the Police inquired as to why they were walking down the street naked, the God fearing adults told them they were just following God’s instructions.

This incident brings up a lot of questions. First of all I am pretty sure that your are not supposed to question God’s commands. However, how do you know you are really talking to THE GOD?. Seriously, when I was a kid and did something stupid, just because one of my idiot friends told me too, he would sometimes ask me “If someone told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?”

Think about that for a minute? Why would God ask you to strip off all your clothes and humiliate yourself by walking down the street naked? What possible gain would God have to make you do something like that? I have a sneaky suspicion that this may not have been the real God at all, at least not in this case.

I mean if God is all knowing and all powerful and created life, the universe and everything, I would think that he/she would be just a little busy keeping things going, then to focus on a couple of insignificant dimwits in Charlotte, North Carolina.  Then to convince  said dimwits to walk down the street naked.

Unless,  you examine the other possibility. This could be another example of a Godly sense of humor. Hey, you never know, maybe God was sitting around with some of the other Gods, and decided to play a little practical joke, on these poor dumba–es, after all God has demonstrated a pretty good sense of humor in the past.

Yes, God has previously demonstrated a supreme sense of humor. Here’s a photo of a prime example.

Duck Billed Platypus

Duck Billed Platypus

The unusual appearance of this egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal baffled European naturalists when they first encountered it, with some considering it an elaborate fraud. It is one of the few venomous mammals, the male platypus having a spur on the hind foot that delivers a venom capable of causing severe pain to humans. The unique features of the platypus make it an important subject in the study of evolutionary biology.

I believe that God created the Duck Billed Platypus, specifically just to f–k with Charles Darwin, the father of modern Evolutionary Biology.

There are many other examples of God’s sense of humor as well, e.g. – burying fake carbon dated dinosaur bones all over the world, evidently just to mess with the Creationists, the Loch ness Monster, Sasquatch, extraterrestrial flying saucer flybys, crop circles, periodically convincing a few dimwits that the world is going to end (this seems to be one of God’s favorite practical jokes), etc., etc.

Next time the disembodied voice of God tells you to do something really stupid, maybe you should first ask yourself “Am I the prime candidate in an elaborate practical joke, or am I really being singled out to carry out the command of God? Maybe, God is just testing you to make sure that your not just a dimwitted rube. After all, it could very well be that dimwitted idiots are the last kind of people that Gods wants to to be his spokespersons. Think about it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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