Damn You 2016 You Took The Inventor Of The Red Solo Cup!

Well 2016, all I can say is good riddance. I don’t know what we ever did to deserve your mean-spirited death and destruction that you brought upon us for an entire year, and frankly, I don’t care. What I do know is we fu*king hate you and no one, I mean no one will mourn your passing.

You took many from us who we all loved, David Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen, George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds as well as many, many, more. But you weren’t satisfied with just them, were you? OH NO!

With only a couple weeks left in your reign as the worst and meanest year ever, you just couldn’t help taking one last swipe, one last evil deed that would strike fear and sadness into every single American.

No, I am not talking about that abomination Donald Trump that you so gleefully gave us to make our lives even more miserable for the next four years, and by the way fu*ck you very much for that one.

I am talking about you taking the beloved American icon,  Robert Leo Hulseman.

Robert Hulseman was beloved by all. He was the inventor of the “Red Solo Cup”. You certainly know what I’m talking about right?

Red Solo Cup

Ah, Red Solo Cups where should I begin?

There wasn’t a party, barbecue, or gathering where Red Solo Cups were not an integral part. Red Solo Cups were also outstanding for hiding what you were actually drinking, especially in locations where alcohol was frowned upon, or not allowed.

Robert Hulseman invented the Red Solo Cup way back in the 1970’s.  I have literally hundreds of fond memories of me and my faithful Red Solo Cup.

The hundreds of concerts, backyard barbecues, beach parties, dinner parties, New Year’s Eve, holiday parties, office parties, birthdays, and so much more.

You could rinse and reuse them, you could stack them, write your name on them with a permanent marker. You could even play beer pong.

Toby Keith even wrote a hit song about them;

“Red solo cup you’re more than just plastic

You’re more than amazing you’re more than fantastic
And believe me that I’m not the least bit sarcastic
When I look at you and say
Red solo cup, you’re not just a cup. (No, no, God no)
You’re my, you’re my friend. (Friend, friend, friend, life long)
Thank you for being my friend”.

 

Well, 2016, you may have taken Robert Hulseman from us, but his Red Solo Cup lives on.

And don’t even think we are going to keep his death un-avenged 2016, OH NO!

Robert Hulseman, as well as David Bowie, cannot and will not, be forgiven. 2016 you started off with such hope and promise, and instead, you only brought us death, destruction as well as Donald Trump.

So, 2016, as punishment for all your evil deeds you will be collectively forgotten by the human race. You will be totally and thoroughly erased from our hearts and minds. It will be as if you never even existed at all.

This shall be the greatest punishment of all, to be relegated to the dustbin of history with no one caring or even remembering any of your deeds or actions. It shall be as if you never were.

It is decreed that as of right now 2016, you are banished from the collective minds of the human race never to be thought of or spoken of again.

And so it shall be.

I raise my Red Solo Cup to you Robert Hulseman, Cheers, and thanks for all the memories. You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

As Always,

I Am….

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

This is an original work of news satire from the mind of Tom Dye, The Safety Guy