Santa Claus Is Stalking Me!
This is really starting to freak me out. For starters, I am not talking about one of those fake Santa’s, you know the guy wearing a fat suit with an obviously fake beard and mustache wearing a red velvet suit with white fake fur trim and those the big wide fake leather belt and boots. No, my friends, I am talking about the “REAL” Santa Claus.
This poses serious issues for me, mainly because of two obvious reasons.
- I don’t believe in Santa Claus
- I live in West Central Florida
Considering, that I am a grown man, I haven’t believed in Santa Claus since I was a very young child growing up in Southern California. I can still remember being 8 or 9 and looking up our fireplace (yes, we had an actual fireplace) and noticing that the chimney was very narrow inside and asking my Dad, how could Santa possibly come down the chimney when he was so large, or fat whatever the case may be.
My Dad patiently explained how in our case, Santa would actually come through the front door. He even made a big deal of making sure the front door was unlocked before we went to bed and my parents always made sure that there was a glass of milk and cookies for Santa right near the front door.
I really didn’t buy it, I was always a doubting Thomas, but I wasn’t about to rock the boat just in case. When it comes to presents on Christmas morning one couldn’t be too critical. Besides my younger Sister was absolutely convinced that Santa Claus was real, so I went along with it. Besides, If anyone is going to give me a bunch of presents, I didn’t care where they came from. Life was so very much easier then.
Secondly, I live in West Central Florida, and it’s been about 80 degrees all week-long which is about normal for this time of year.
Before I go any further let me explain. I have seen Santa Clause 5 or 6 times in the last several days. No, he has not been dressed up in one of those fat suits with the fake hair and cheap red suit. No, this Santa is the real deal.
This Santa Claus has very real long white hair, a big beard, and mustache, gold wire frame glasses The real Santa Clause wears a short-sleeved shirt, shorts, and black socks with white sneakers, and is always seen walking a Pomeranian looking small dog.
Like I said, I have seen Santa on several occasions, at first, it seemed like random events.
The first time I saw Santa, It was during the day last Saturday about mid-afternoon.I was sitting on my front screened in porch. You have to understand that I have high-tech screen where you can’t see in, but I can see out just fine. I was sitting on the front porch when Santa walked by with his small dog. When Santa Claus got about even with me, he looked towards me and with a twinkle in his eye gave me a sly smile and a small nod of his head. Santa’s small dog also looked at me as well.
At first, I thought it was hilarious. Santa Claus wearing shorts with black socks and walking a small dog. I didn’t think anything of it. The funny thing is that Homer, my dog, didn’t even react. Normally, if anyone walks past the house, Homer, barks his fool head off.
Then I saw him again, and again, he was always still wearing the same shorts and polo shirt with the black socks and sneakers. He was always walking the same little dog and they would both look right me, and with a little nod of his head, and a twinkle in his eye he would acknowledge my presence. I swear the damn dog would nod and smile as well.
About this time I was starting to doubt by very core beliefs. I mean seriously I had for decades placed Santa Claus in the same neat category as vampires, Werewolves, and the Easter Bunny. But, definitely not the Tooth Fairy. I know for certain that the Tooth Fairy is real.
As a child, I used to take every tooth I lost and wrap it inside a cloth handkerchief and tie it up with an elaborate knot and place it directly under my pillow. The next morning, the handkerchief would still be tied up with my same elaborate knot, and magically my tooth would be replaced with fifty cents. But I digress, this story is about Santa Claus, and not about the Tooth Fairy.
I saw Santa Claus walking by my house, While stopped a stop sign down the street, and even down the road. With each and every encounter he looked directly at me and with a twinkle in his eye, he nodded his head in my direction and smile. His little Pomeranian looking dog also looked at me and smiled as well.
I knew then, that these were no random encounters. Without a doubt, Santa Claus was stalking me, and there was nothing I could do about it. Seriously, what was I going to do? Call the Police and tell them that Santa Claus was stalking me? Somehow, I didn’t see that going really well.
The last time I saw Santa Claus he was tight down the street. Being hyper-vigilant, I saw him first. I had just pulled up to the stop sign right down the street, and there he was. Santa was right in front of the antique store wearing a white polo shirt, khaki shorts and his signature black socks, and sneakers.
As I began my left turn, Santa’s little dog saw me first. Santa slowly turned to look directly at me, and before he could react, I gave him a jaunty wave, and a thumbs up for good measure. Santa Claus chuckled and waved back. I was now a true believer.
You can bet that on Christmas eve I am going to be prepared. We have a fireplace in the living room, but it’s sealed off. I am going to leave the front door unlocked, and place a glass of milk and cookies near the front door.
Thank you Santa for making be believe again.
As Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This holiday essay is an original work of satire, from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
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