There Is Something Wrong With My Co-workers!

I am deadly serious about this. There is something wrong with several of my co-workers and the number of them exhibiting this general wrongness is rising every single day. I have no idea if there is something in the water, or maybe they are slowly being replaced by hostile alien life-forms. Whatever it is, I need to get to the bottom of it, right now!

It started with little things. Co-workers who were covertly, or even openly hostile to me were now giving me a fist-bump when I passed by. Suddenly, these people were actually downright friendly. And to make matters even worse, some people, actually now stop by, and God Help Me,  just start blabbering about anything or nothing at all. What’s  wrong with these people?

Soon after, people who used to covertly complain about me, or even attempt to throw me under the bus on a regular basis (You know the types) abruptly stopped, and for reasons unknown to me, actually wanted to become my friend. When it progressed to these same people actively seeking my advice and counsel, this was a serious red flag! Something is definitely going on here.

And, then came the final confirmation. This was the metaphorical “Danger, Danger, Will Robinson. Danger, Danger” moment.

In my forty years of working for a living, every work colleague and co-worker I have ever known has always followed the morning greeting protocol to the letter with no deviations. Suddenly, even this time-honored tradition has been violated.

The Morning Greeting Ritual

Every single American worker is familiar with the morning greeting ritual. This is a time-honored tradition, that has been observed since the advent of the Industrial Revolution. Essentially, it goes something like this.

I arrive at work, and every person I pass, I pretend to be cheerful and say; Good Morning, How are you doing? (or some variant of this phrase). The work colleague must respond with something like; “great”, or “awesome” or something similar.

The protocol is clear. The person receiving this morning greeting. immediately must respond with the question that is framed something to the effect of, And you?

By the standard protocol, I have to respond with; “awesome” or “great” or something similarly mundane, and keep moving along. This ritual is repeated as many times as necessary.

No one, and I mean no one, is ever, ever, supposed to respond with any other answer, no matter what is happening in their lives. The morning ritual protocol is perfectly clear on this point.

You all know what I am talking about right?

Anyway, when many my co-workers started violating this morning ritual, I knew for certain that something was seriously wrong. For the first time ever in my entire working career, when I gave the usual morning ritual question, people started to tell me what was; ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THEIR LIVES.

This is bad, really bad! People started responding to, Good morning, How are You? with horrific true-life stories. I started hearing about how their dog had died, they got pulled over for drunk driving, or their mother-in-law had passed away. WTF!!! This is a horrific, and totally unacceptable turn of events.

I mean seriously, before my co-workers started violating the morning greeting ritual, I could exchange the standard greeting with thirty people or more and still get to my desk in less than 5 minutes. Now, it takes me 30 to 40 minutes or more. And to make matters even worse, I still haven’t even had my morning coffee yet.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to pretend that you actually care about someone’s dead dog, or whatever? To, make matters even worse they will inevitably pull out their smartphone and start showing me photos of their dead fido, smashed up automobile, or whatever tragedy they experienced, and then start tearing up. Now, I have to pretend that I actually care. It’s exhausting.

I know for certain that it’s not me. I still hate people just as much as I always did, and I am still just as much of a dick to everyone that I always was. Things should be just the same as it ever was, but for whatever reason, everyone else is changing right before my eyes.

As of right now, I only use the standard morning greeting to determine who is still a normal human being, and who’s not. So far it seems that most of the senior management is unaffected.

For everyone else, until I figure out what’s going on, I keep my eyes down, pretend to be talking on my cell phone, or state right off the bat that I think I have contracted some really communicable disease like; the bird flu or severe cold. So far, this is keeping the pod people at bay.

I also do not drink any water or eat any food that is not prepared in my own kitchen. I have doubled up on my daily multi-vitamins and go to bed really early to get plenty of rest.

If any of you are experiencing similar issues, or have any insight on other actions I should be taking, I would really like to hear about it.

Hopefully, I can wait this out, and the world, as well as my co-worker pod people, will return to normal in due time.  As with everything, this too shall pass.

Who knows, maybe it’s the shock of all the events of 2016. One can only hope that 2017 is much better, after all, it can’t get any worse, at least I hope not. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this charade going.

 

As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This is an original work of satire,  from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. 

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