PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Man Bravely Saves Neighbors Dog From House Fire!

This past October, An Upstate New York man, Michael Orchard, 43; from Halfmoon, NY bravely risked his own life by battling searing flames and dense smoke, managed to save a neighbor’s dog from a house fire.

Mr. Orchard realizing that the neighbor’s home was on fire, raced into action. He first ran over to a couple of the neighbor’s homes and began frantically banging on their doors to alert them to the dire situation. Unfortunately, nobody seemed to care, or even seem interested in what was happening right in their own neighborhood.

When he couldn’t get anybody’s assistance, Mr. Orchard, jumped into his black BMW sedan, rammed it through the neighbor’s fence, jumped out, and broke down the back door. He bravely searched through the smoke and flames until he located the neighbor’s dog. He scooped up the helpless dog and ran from the house. Due to his quick thinking, he successfully rescued the neighbor’s large white dog from certain death. This guy is a true hero.

Due to his quick thinking, he successfully rescued the neighbor’s large white dog from certain death. This guy is a true hero.

This selfless act of heroism should be commended right? He should be given the keys to the City and even given a parade in his honor right down Main Street. Maybe even with the local High School Marching Band, floats and of course people throwing confetti all along the way.

Actually not, because there is a lot more to this story than meets the eye.

You see, the only problem is; Mr. Orchard was tripping on a potent mixture of cough syrup & LSD. He only hallucinated that the house was on fire. That’s right, the neighbors home was not actually on fire at all, and the poor dog was only rescued from the safety, comfort, and tranquility of its own home, which was unequivocally NOT on fire. No smoke either, not even someone smoking a cigarette. Nothing, Nada, Nyet!

Everything I’ve just described so far actually happened.

Here’s a photo of Michael Orchard, Our Hallucinogenic Hero.

Evidently, Michael Orchard spent the day ingesting cough syrup and LSD. I have to admit I have never heard of this combination before. So, I don’t know if it was the LSD or the combination of LSD and cough syrup.

Whatever it was, it caused a total psychotic break with reality. Just imagine Hallucinating so intensely and so realistically that you were unable to even begin to differentiate fantasy from reality. Just Imagine that your Hallucination was so realistic that you imagined that your neighbor’s house was on fire, but the rest of your reality seemed perfectly normal?

I found a YouTube video that purports to be a realistic POV LSD trip.Maybe after watching this you can get a better perspective on what this poor soul was going through.  I don’t know you tell me.

One of the first things I noticed when I watched this was, I didn’t see any smoke or flames. Do you need to take cough syrup with it as well? Maybe.

Let me give you a little more visual perspective. Here is a photo of an actual house fire.

Actual House Fire

Here is the home where Michael Orchard rescued the neighbor’s dog from the imaginary fire and smoke. (Note: The  back door was already boarded up).

The first thing you might have noticed by looking at this photo is that there is no smoke damage, no fire damage, actually, there is no damage whatsoever. This is just a pretty ordinary looking back yard.

So, what happened after Michael Orchard rescued the neighbor’s dog from the imaginary house fire?

According to news reports,  Michael Orchard was still “heroicly” standing in front of the neighbor’s home, tenderly cradling the uninjured dog when Police arrived on the scene.

Michael Orchard was charged with second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief and is being held on $15,000 bail. He was not charged with any drug offenses because no drugs were found upon his person.

The somewhat confused dog was returned unharmed to its owners.

With neighbor’s like this, who needs enemies. Right?

As Paul Harvey used to say; “Now You Know The Rest Of The Story”

As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Note: This article is satire based on actual events. The source material can be found here -> Huffington Post and here -> The New York Daily News.