Killer Squirrel Attacks And Injuries Seniors At Florida Retirement Home. {UPDATED}
It’s finally begun, The squirrels are turning against us! If you don’t take precautions now, what happened to these innocent elderly people could very well happen to you.
Make no mistake about it, my friends, Florida has become “ground zero” in the greatest existential threat to mankind that we have ever faced.
There are incoming, sporadic reports starting to come in from around the country about similar attacks by killer squirrels taking place all across America.
Before the previously lovable and comical squirrels finally get organized enough to cut off my internet connection, I strongly suggest that you print this, send it to friends, and loved ones, or just get a pen and paper to take notes.
As Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I feel it is my solemn duty to give you all the information you need to protect yourselves, your friends, as well as loved ones from the upcoming squirrel apocalypse.
Here’s what we know so far………………
On Thursday, at the Sterling Court Retirement Community in Deltona, Florida a killer squirrel viciously attacked several elderly people. This unprovoked terrorist squirrel attack started outside the building where the squirrel launched itself at an elderly man and started to viciously bite and scratch him.
This brave elderly man managed to somehow grab onto the rampaging bloodthirsty squirrel and fling it away. Unfortunately, in his struggle, he accidently flung the squirrel right into the building. This is the moment when the real reign of terror began.
Once the bloodthirsty terrorist squirrel gained access to the inside of the building, it made a beeline for the activity room where several elderly people were located blissfully unaware of the horrific attack that was about to begin.
The squirrel filled with bloodthirsty rage burst into the activity room and began jumping on the innocent elderly victims one by one, biting and scratching each one that it could manage to sink it’s teeth into.
Just so you can fully appreciate the magnitude of the terror inflicted on these innocent elderly victims, here’s a link to the audio recording of the actual 911 call. To listen to it, Click Here.
Somehow, at some point during the attack, at least one of the elderly victims managed to get the upper hand on the killer squirrel and eject it from the building. His or her, brave actions prevented further bloodshed, and undoubtedly saved the lives of several people.
However, As of my press deadline, the facts remain unclear as to the exact sequence of events.
So, why have squirrels suddenly turned upon us?
Looking back at it, this has actually been coming to a head for quite some time. It happened so subtly, that I just wasn’t able to put the pieces together until now. There were a lot of little things, seemingly just random events that should have been a glaring warning to me. But with recent events I now know for certain.
First of all, the usual clownish behavior of the normal squirrels running back and forth and jumping from tree to tree were slowly replaced with squirrels that would just sit there and stare at me. I don’t mean just stare, I mean that pure evil type of malevolent stare of a serial killer. Here’s an example.
Killer Squirrel
It’s not only that. My dog Homer, who is half Rat Terrier, has always barked at and even chased squirrels his entire life. Recently, he suddenly stopped doing that. When he sees one of these killer squirrels, he just looks at them and slinks back into the house. No barking and certainly no chasing them. I just assumed that his behavior was just because he was getting old. Now I know better.
There have also been isolated reports of squirrels attacking and eating birds, rats, mice and other small animals Vs. their usual diet of raiding bird feeders for seeds and collecting acorns. I never gave much credence to these reports until now.
Here’s a photo to prove it. I didn’t believe it before, but I do now.
So why now? What changed?
I have some theories, This dire situation may be a result of one or a combination of factors.
- Pollution – As an example, several months ago millions of polluted and slightly radioactive water was released into the Florida aquifer from a giant sinkhole under a holding pond at a Florida phosphate plant. There have been reports of wide-spread pollution in other States as well.
- Climate Change – A warming planet could be impacting the squirrel’s natural food supply of bird seed, nuts, and acorns.
- Technology – Let’s face it for all of us who maintain bird feeders squirrels are the bane of our existence. Squirrels have normally been able to get to the birdseed no matter what precautions we may have taken. However, with new technology advancements in bird feeders squirrels have now been cut off from this main food source. This as well as new squirrel repellents have caused a tremendous amount of stress in squirrel populations.
- Urban Deforestation – This is actually related to climate change. Old growth oak trees are dying off at an alarming rate. The ones that are still thriving are producing far fewer acorns than in previous years.
- Political Climate – Squirrels have been demonized in recent years for digging in people’s well-manicured lawns, stealing bird food, and damaging crops. A few “bad” squirrels have caused the entire species to get a bad name. The deeds of a few bad actors have impacted the entire squirrel community. This trend will only continue in our politically polarized and divisive political environment.
Or, it could be something else entirely. Until more scientific research is done we have no way to know for certain. So far, the mainstream media isn’t even reporting these insidious attacks by our former friends and four legged furry allies, the squirrels.
But, all is not lost my friends, there are ways to protect ourselves from these bloodthirsty squirrels hell-bent on attacking and eventually eradicating mankind.
This is the point where you need to have a pen and paper handy to take notes. Don’t worry, I can wait. Go get them now……………………………….
So far, the killer bloodthirsty squirrels have only attacked what is known in the counter-terrorism community as “soft targets”. The elderly, small children and pets all fall into this category. Mark my words, this will change, as time goes on.
This was a serious miscalculation on the squirrels part. For now that the squirrels have shown their hand, we can take precautions to protect ourselves, friends, and family. Here are seven things that you need to do right now.
- First and foremost, let’s not lose sight of the fact that we are like 500 times larger than the average squirrel. This is one of our greatest advantages.
- Squirrels are essentially daytime creatures and hide at night. Use this to your advantage. Try to limit your travels during the day, and venture outside only during the night-time hours. For many of us, this is not very much of an option.
- Use “situational awareness” of your surroundings. In simple terms pay attention to your surroundings. look out your front door and windows. Do you see any squirrels in your yard? is there a strange absence of birds or other small animals in your vicinity? If so, you need to take extreme precautions. If you absolutely have to leave the house, just toss some raw chicken as far from your front or back door as possible. This should distract the killer squirrels long enough for you to get from your door to the car or mailbox etc.
- Take common sense precautions. Make sure that you keep the windows, doors, and other openings tightly closed in both your home and your vehicles. A squirrel can enter a hole as small as 1-1/2″ in diameter. You certainly don’t want to be vulnerable to an attack in an enclosed space where your options for self-defense are severely limited.
- Wear protective clothing. Kevlar, oil cloth or leather are good options to prevent injuries from a squirrel attack. Be sure to protect your fingers, nose, neck, face, ears and your lower extremities.
- When venturing outside, always carry a stick, a golf club, baseball bat, etc. to fend off marauding killer squirrels. Take whatever actions are necessary to fend off their bloodthirsty attacks. Don’t turn your back on them and keep direct eye contact so you can anticipate their next move.
- Travel in numbers whenever possible. Just like animals in the wild, the predator always tries to attack the “lone” sick, injured, old, or young. There is always safety in numbers.
Until the; States, and Federal Government, finally acknowledges that this is a serious threat to humanity, it is up to us patriots to spread the word and try our best to eradicate this threat to all of us.
UPDATE: 11/26/2016 – The terrorist squirrels have now spread their terror well beyond Florida and now have begun attacking those who have spoken out against them.
Howard Brookins Jr., Alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward went on a public tirade about “terrorist squirrels,” he couldn’t have known that b y speaking out that he would become the next target of these little tiny terrorists.
On Nov. 13, the alderman found himself in the hospital with a skull fracture and several other injuries after a suicide bomber squirrel leaped into the path of Brookins’ bike, wrapping itself in the spokes and causing him to flip over the handlebars. Alderman Brookins is very lucky to be alive.
“I can think of no other reason for this squirrel’s actions than it was a terrorist squirrel suicide bomber, getting revenge,” Brookins told the Tribune.
Some outlets, like the Chicago Sun Times, covered the incident but simply referred to it as a “freak accident,” apparently afraid to call radical squirrel terrorism by name.
But as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy I am not afraid to call it for what it is and I will keep reporting on it for as long as I am able to.
Warning the following photo contains an image of a dead terrorist squirrel.
Only by working together can we be the vanguards of humankind, the fifth column, the Thomas Paine’s of society. We are obligated to; defend, warn, and protect, our fellow human beings.
We will not go quietly into the night, we will not go down without a fight, we are going to live on, we are going to survive. We will fight this terrible menace and we shall prevail.
Whose with me?
As Always,
I Am….
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This story is a satirical news commentary loosely (OK, very loosely, alright almost not at all) based on actual events. If you’re interested you van read the original source material published in the Huffington Post and WFTV.com. Click—>Here
Well, What do you think?