PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: September 2016

Politics 2016 – Why Donald Trump Is Dead Wrong On Immigration

By

On September 1, 2016

In Politics

Politics 2016 – Why Donald Trump is dead wrong on immigration

 

Right off the bat, let me start with what may be inconvenient truths for Donald Trump supporters. We are NOT going to build a big, tall, beautiful, impenetrable wall along the U.S. Southern border.  We are not going to deport 11 million undocumented immigrants. Mexico will not be paying for said fictional wall, Illegal immigrants are not stealing our jobs, The Mexican Government doe’s not have a program to send their drug dealers, criminals, and rapists to the United States.

If you don’t believe that these truths are self evident, obviously, you are part of the minority who believe all the lies right in front of you. I would suggest that you stop reading right now, go away, and pretend that that this never existed. For everyone else, let’s discuss the actual reality. Let me break this down point by point.

 

Building a Big, Tall, Beautiful, Impenetrable Wall – We already have the most secure Southern border that we have ever had, EVER! In 2016,  we also have the lowest rate of illegal immigration in decades. As a matter of fact we now have ~200,000 undocumented immigrants leaving the United States every year for various reasons.

The President of the United States doe’s not control the purse strings of the budget. That is the constitutional job of Congress. (I am not insinuating that Congress doe’s their job by any means, obviously, they don’t).  It would cost billions of dollars to build a  big tall, beautiful, impenetrable wall.

Donald Trump has stated repeatedly stated that “He is going to build the wall, and Mexico is going to pay for it” Seriously Donald? Both the current and former President’s of Mexico have stated unequivocally that they are not going to pay for any fucking wall. That’s pretty definitive. And frankly why should they?.

Donald Trump stated that he was going to seize a portion of the remittances that Mexicans living in The United States send home to support their families back home to support their families. First of all this would take an act of Congress that would certainly be challenged in the U.S. courts as well as international courts for years. Not to mention how could you even determine these remittances were from undocumented immigrants living in the United States? Is Donald Trump going to seize a portion of a remittance from me to a family in Mexico? I think not Donald.

So, This begs the question, where is the money going to come from? Would Congress even consider such a nonsense multi-billion dollar expenditure? Where would the money come from? Social programs? Defense? Infrastructure? Congress won’t even approve funds for natural disasters in the United States without demanding offsets for other already budgeted programs. Gimme a frigging break. It’s not going to happen and we all know it.

Not to mention, What do you think the majority of the American public is going to think of this multi billion dollar big, tall, beautiful, impenetrable wall, boondoggle? I believe that this will be the biggest political blunder in decades for anyone who would even seriously consider this. Also, since when did our Southern neighbor, and one of our largest North American trading partners become the enemy? Seriously, I think I have made my point.

So what is Donald Trump proposing? Is he advocating a trade war with Mexico who is currently our 3rd largest goods trading partner with $531 billion in total (two way) goods trade during 2015? This would certainly not help American jobs. This would be devastating.

 

We are not going to deport 11 million undocumented immigrants – Lets do some simple math. To deport an estimated 11 million undocumented immigrants from The United States would cost billions and billions of dollars. It would take ~1,500 buses per day, 24 hours per day, for two years to accomplish this fools task.

Not to mention the world press documenting “live” families being torn apart, crying, screaming, children being separated from their parents, Aunts, Uncles, Grand Parents, Nieces, Nephews, etc. The United States would have to abandon our core values, and we would certainly become a pariah among industrialized nations. Try to explain that to your children and grand children how we could be so callous and cruel. I have far more faith in the American Public’s values of right and wrong to believe that this scenario could ever actually happen.

If this were to happen, I would mourn the death of the America that was built upon the sacrifices of immigrants that ultimately made The United States the country we have today. This would mean that we are no longer the great republic that our founders envisioned.

Donald Trump says that on day one, he would create a Deportation Task Force (DTF) that would immediately start rounding up two million criminal Mexican illegal Aliens who have committed crimes.  This statement has several issues that conflict with reality.

First of all, congress would have to approve funds and laws to  create such a DTF. Where is the money going to come from? Also why do we need this we already have The Border Patrol and The Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) which already perform these functions.

Any undocumented illegal immigrant who commits serious crimes are already subject to the judicial system and subject to deportation upon release from jail. Any fugitive criminals are subject to capture by U.S. Marshall’s just like any other criminal.

Secondly, Donald Trump constantly cites two million undocumented criminals which he would deport immediately, this is ludicrous. There are considerably less then 200,000.00 illegal undocumented aliens in the country (already in the various steps of the judicial system). This criminal rate is far lower then naturalized American citizens. In order for Donald Trumps two million illegal undocumented aliens to be valid he would have to count not only every criminal case, but every DUI, civil case, parking tickets, and jay walking offences. Really Donald? Were going to deport people for jaywalking and parking tickets?

What about minor children who were born in America and are thus American citizens, are you going to deport American citizens too? Who is going to care for them if you deport their parents? How about people who have been here for so long they don’t speak the language or have any place else to go? I could keep going on and on.

 

Illegal immigrants are not stealing our jobs – The vast majority of undocumented immigrants work in jobs such as; landscaping, housekeepers, day labor, meat packing, construction labor, and agriculture.  All are low paying jobs.

Donald Trump says that freeing up jobs in these areas would make them available to uneducated Americans. He actually said this. Seriously? Let’s take agriculture. There are literally thousands and thousands of farms and ranches in the United States. This is transitory backbreaking work that pays an average of $9.00 per hour. These workers perform back breaking labor intensive work and follow the work from job to job. These workers are transients which follow the work depending on the season or the crop  from Florida, to North Carolina, to Texas, to Georgia, etc.

Farmers and Ranchers have always said that they have always tried to fill these jobs with American citizens but if they do hire one they last for maybe one day, if that and most never show up for the next. Meat packing plants are dangerous and nobody wants to work there for long.

Something tells me that these are not the type of “good” jobs that Donald Trumps uneducated supporters are envisioning.

Many farmers, ranchers and meat packers have already said that if they lose their work forces they would be forced to close and the entire American economy would suffer. Not to worry, Mexico or Canada would be happy to supply us with fruits, vegetables, and meats at a far higher cost with no American jobs created.

Now Donald Trump says that he wants to only bring immigrants into the country that are “highly skilled”. I am fairly certain that this will not make the skilled American workers very happy to hear this. So now we have to compete with foreigh workers who are willing to work for less.

Both Donald Trump and his Daughter Ivanka  are already taking advantage of loopholes in the guest workers visa programs to bring in foreign workers under the H1-B visa program. Donald Trump uses it for workers at his Mira-Lago resort in Florida, and Ivanka Trump for her jewelry business. Guest foreign workers under the H1-B visa program work for a lower rate then American citizens.

Both Donald & Ivanka Trump should be ashamed for putting profits above the needs of American citizens. They are both lairs & hypocrites for saying anything otherwise.

Virtually all main stream economists agree that undocumented immigrants pay far more in benefits to the economy then they receive. They pay taxes, buy goods and services, etc.  Donald trump falsely claims that they receive Social Security benefits, Obamacare hearth insurance, food stamps, and disability. This is a blatant lie.

 

The Mexican Government doe’s not have a program to send their drug dealers, criminals, and rapists to the United States – Seriously Donald?  There has never been any evidence, or proof, or even a suspicion, or allegation that the Mexican Government haa anything to do with Mexican citizens crossing the border into The United States. Most if not all undocumented Mexican immigrants come to The United States either to be with family, or to create a better life for themselves, and their families.  No one actually believes this lie except for you’re uneducated wing-nut supporters.

 

So what is the solution? – It’s a fairly straight forward answer. Pass sensible immigration reform with a pathway to legal work permits,  permanent residency or citizenship for undocumented immigrants  who have a job, have not committed and serious crimes, and finally bring them out of the shadows for good. Only then can we truly make America into the image that the founding fathers envisioned.

 

As Always,

I am Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

09/01/2016

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OUCH! Security Guard Shoots Off His Penis, Could Face Charges

By

On September 1, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

OUCH! Security Guard Shoots Off His Penis, Could Face Charges. Yikes!!! It’s about f–king time. Penis’s have been villainized, and victimized, for centuries. It is about time that penis’s stand up for their rights. All hail the rising power of the penis. (OK, stop groaning, I realize that this was a stupid cliche, but it was the only one I could come up with).

All it took was a dumb a– Security Guard to start a penis revolution. This just goes to prove that my “Rubber Band Theory of Human of Nature” (it’s in the 2011 archives) is correct. People, or penis’s, in this case, will only put up with physical, and mental abuse, for so long, before an event happens, that sparks a revolution.

Lets, begin with the facts. Penis’s are intelligent living things, that without a doubt, have a mind of their own. We have all heard the headlines; he was thinking with his little head, his d–k head was calling the shots, he was c–k sure of himself, etc. This is not a sensational NEWS headline, this is actually true, ask any man, he will tell you all about it.

Penis’s are known by many, many, names; Little Johnson, The General, Adam Halfpint, Admiral Winky, Albino cave dweller, Auger-headed gut wrench, Baby’s arm holding an apple, Beard splitter, Beaver buster, Beaver Cleaver, Beefy McManstick, Big Lebowski, Bow-legged swamp donkey,  Captain Winky, Charlie Russell the one-eyed muscle, Chief of staff, Cock-a-saurus Rex, Firm worm,  Flesh flute, Hammer of Thor, Handy andy, Herman von Longschlongstein, Italian stallion, Ivan the Terrible, John Thomas, JoJo the circus clown, Kaptain Kielbasa, King Dong, Leader of the sack, Leather lollipop, Lincoln log, Longrod Von Hugenstein, Long Dong Silver,  Magic Johnson, Major Manchowder, Master John Goodfellow, Master of ceremonies, Master John Goodfellow, Master of ceremonies, Peter the Great, Porcelain plumber, Pump-action yogurt rifle, Ralph the fur faced chicken, Russian spurtnik, Silly Willy’s stick of mayhem, Sir Martin Wagstaff, Trouser trout, Two pebbles and a twig, Vlad the Impaler, Wally the one-eyed wonder wiener, Willy the one-eyed wonder worm, Xcaliber, Zamboni baloney, Zipper trout. There are about a thousand more names as well.

It doesn’t matter what a man’s penis is called, it still boils down to a fundamental issue of civil rights. Don’t get the wrong impression, I have no interest in penis’s, other then my own, obviously, I am kind of attached to it. I am not so naive to believe that all penis’s are created equal, or that all penis’s are law abiding citizens.

Some penis’s have a criminal mind set, and deserve to be prosecuted, to the fullest extent of the law, including, OUCH! castration. Others, lead their owners astray, and seek other women, (or men) for their own, short term gratification. These penis’s should also get what they deserve. However, I believe that most penis’s, are law abiding citizens, with a strong moral compass.

Frankly, I am not surprised that after decades of abuse, penis’s are finally starting to stand up for their rights. It’s about time the law is starting to come to the realization that penis’s are thinking, intelligent entities, and as such, have basic civil rights. Basic civil rights rights that are bestowed upon everyone, including, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Penis’s are not just comprised of a little helmet head, they also include testicles, or balls, to supply vital nutrients, and other essential penis functions. Basically, they are a package deal, to function at 100% efficiency, everything has to function as one complete unit.  This is the way, it has always been, and always will be, since the beginning of time. This is where the expression “So and so, has balls,” or “It takes a lot of balls, to do that” came about. One part, cannot survive, without the other.

I have thoughts on this as well. We have a dog, Homer. We rescued Homer from an abusive environment. It took a lot of time, and loving care, but eventually, Homer became a dog with an abundance of self esteem. As far as I can Tell, Homer does not think of himself as a small 20 pound dog, he sees himself, as a giant among dogs. Incidentally, Homer is not neutered.

Neutering, is essentially the act of cutting off, a male dog’s balls. The veterinarian actually tried to convince us, that Homer would be; happier, healthier, and lead a longer life, if we would agree to chop off his nuts. Really? I might believe this, if all male veterinarians had their balls cut off, and be able to tell me, with a straight face, that they now lead a more happier, healthier, and longer life.

Let me see, all normal male dogs, like humans, were born with balls, and they somehow, would be happier, healthier, and lead a longer life, if you just cut them off. If that were the case why would they be born with balls to begin with? I believe that Homer’s balls, is part of his personality, and contributes to his over-sized, self esteem.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating having dogs, running around breeding with any other female dog they see. I am saying that keeping Homer in the yard, prevents any unwanted puppies, and seems to keep him happy, as he is still equipped with all his original parts.

This brings me back to my original point, that penis’s, along with their associated parts, are a package deal, and severing one, definitely effects the other. I believe that penis’s should form their own collective bargaining unit, a sort of penis union. Maybe they could call this union, The International Penis Union, or IPU. This would be the first step in recognizing penis’s, as a living, thinking, protected species. The next step would be a tour of the “Penis Monologues” similar to women’s “Vagina Monologues. Anything, to increase awareness, of the abuse, and victimization, of penis’s everywhere.

The prosecution of a dumb a– security guard for penis murder, in the 2nd degree, is the first step towards penis equality, and recognition, of a penis as a living, thinking, being. However, after recognition, comes responsibility, and accountability. Men are not ruled by their penis, just the opposite, men rule their penis.

A penis cannot exist as a separate, stand alone entity, and must live in an equal partnership, between a man, and his penis. A man, shall not harm, or abuse his penis, in any shape or form. Conversely a penis must never abuse his man, or cause his man, to perform any acts that are immoral, or illegal, or would lead him astray from his committed relationships.

Aside from the rules for living, I just listed above, a man’s penis, must be taught to know the difference between, right and wrong, good and evil, and most importantly, be taught that a man, and his penis, is a partnership based upon respect, one that cannot be abused, by either party. Neither, man, nor his penis, can force themselves upon another person, a penis must not ever embarrass, his man, and must perform, as intended, when the man desires, for all lawful activities.

A mans penis, must never, ever, rise to the occasion, with inappropriate people, or at inappropriate times. If this compact, is ever broken, both man, and his penis, shall be subject to prosecution, to the fullest extent of the law.

Important Safety Tip: For all you men out there, always remember, that a well trained, and disciplined penis, keeps both you, and your penis, out of a lot of trouble.

Somebody should call Guinness, I believe that I just set a record for the most use of the words penis, and penis’s, in a short story.  Is this even a category? if not it should be.

As always,

 
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Dolphins armed with guns and knives said to have escaped into wild

By

On September 1, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd, When animals attack

Who’s incredibly stupid idea was this anyway? Arming dolphins with guns and knives, and now they’ve escaped. I suggest everyone get out of the water right now!!!!Dolphins are one of the most predatory and efficient killers known to man. Their brains are larger then ours and they have a sophisticated language. They are not the nice “Flipper” as portrayed on TV. Did you know that dolphins actually hunt and kill for fun? that’s right they do. They also enjoy torturing their prey.

Apparently, some dumba–es in the Ukrainian Navy have been training dolphins to hunt and kill humans. They have even supplied them with weapons and trained them how to use them. Things were all fun and games until three of these armed killers escaped into the wild.

Everyone’s heard all those stories about Dolphins assisting humans in distress while swimming, saving dogs from drowning, etc. And they do, but Dolphins have also killed people unprovoked, as a matter of fact, they actually lured people close so they could attack, unprovoked.

Dolphins when stressed of irritated, begin to show their true colors.. Don’t believe me? well here here a a video to prove my point.

I don’t know why our friends the Dolphins are turning on us now. Maybe it’s because of the effects of the tremendous amount of radiation released during the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant disaster, maybe it’s because we are polluting the oceans to the point where the Dolphins won’t put up with it anymore, maybe their sick and tired of their relatives being held against their will at Sea Worlds and other zoos and aquariums around the world. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things, or something else all together.
What I do know is some f–king morons have trained Dolphins to kill with modern weapons including guns and knives. Now three of these killers have escaped their enclosure and are missing.Three highly trained killer Dolphins armed with guns and knives are roaming free, who knows where and are looking for revenge. These killers were trained how to kill human beings by some dumba-s human beings. The hunters have now become the hunted.Since we know a lot about Dolphins, or at least we think we do, we can try using the SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess), to determine what these three killers might do next.First, we know that these three killer Dolphins are all males. The very first thing they are going to do is go get laid. This is a given as every-time a male Dolphin sees a female Dolphin they only have one thing on their mind, and that’s, Lets party!Of course, I know that this is not going to tell us where they went. But, we do know it will slow them down wherever they are going. Dolphins are very social creatures. We can safely assume that they will find a pod to join. This is where the the danger lies.Hopefully, they will not be able to locate one of the “super pods” of a few hundred Dolphins. With luck they will first run into a nearby “standard pod” of 9-12 Dolphins. We already know that they are killers and they are out for revenge. Frankly, I don’t blame them. The Ukrainians kept them in a small area and fed them dead fish. Dolphins naturally hunt and kill their own food, that is, when they are not torturing it or killing just for fun. Dolphinsin the wild rarely eat anything thats already dead.

As soon as these killer Dolphins reach another pod they are going to teach them how to kill humans as well. They are going to explain to their pod mates all about the mistreatment they suffered at the hands of the Ukrainians, and the most scary part of all is they are going to show this new pod how to kill using sophisticated weapons.

This pod armed with their new found knowledge will run into another pod, and so on, and so on, until all the dolphins, in all the oceans, will have this same tribal knowledge of mistreatment by the hands of humans, and they will all know how to kill humans using advanced weaponry. I estimate it will be somewhere around 90 – 120 days before this is complete. Then mark my words the horror will begin!

It will start gradually as all the worlds Dolphins turn into killer Dolphins. First,There will be more people reported missing at sea, small boats washing ashore, or found adrift with no occupants.

Then the bodies will start washing ashore in various areas of the world. No, they won’t be eaten, as Dolphins don’t eat humans. The bodies will have bruises, bite marks and broken backs , and other obvious signs of torture. Just imagine the horror these poor souls endured as they were tortured to death, and killed, by entire pods of killer Dolphins.

Breaking news: It may have already started. There was a naked body that washed ashore on Miami Beach, Florida, early Thursday morning, 03-14-2013. We have to wait to see what the Medical Examiner has to say about the cause of death.

This is only the beginning. Next there will be lots of bodies and empty small boats drifting ashore. The worlds beaches will close when the killer Dolphins start attacking and killing swimmers and surfers close to shore. Entire countries economies will start to crumble and supplies of ocean fish will dwindle dramatically. Ocean fish prices will spike to unheard of levels when fishermen refuse to go out to sea to fish, for fear of their lives.

Sure, the Navy’s of the super powers around the world will attempt to hunt and kill Dolphins, but it won’t be enough. The damage will already be done and the killer Dolphins will just hide from the warships and continuing killing at their leisure.

Next, there will be political uprisings, starting in the Ukraine. Remember, it was the Ukrainian Navy who first taught the Dolphins how to kill humans.

It’s human nature to place blame, in this scenario there is certainly blame to go around.. I can just imagine an uprising similar to the “Arab Spring” that swept through Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya sweeping through Eastern Europe and possibly even Russia.

All this because some dumba–es in the Ukrainian Navy decided to mess with the natural order of things. Dolphins are highly intelligent creatures and learn very quickly. They are also very dangerous mammals. They should have never, ever been taught to kill humans under any circumstances. Even though the headline describes Dolphins trained to use guns and knives, I am still trying to figure out exactly how they would pull that off.

Maybe, just maybe, the planet will be lucky and as soon as the killer Dolphins party with some female Dolphins, they will just wander back home, tired and hungry We can only hope that we are that lucky. As for me, I am still going to stay out of the water at the beach just to be safe, maybe you should too.

As always, 
 
I am…


Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content, as soon as it’s posted.If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the rooftops, to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

If you spot any “absurd or misleading headlines”, leave a comment below with the EXACT headline wording as it originally appeared, and just maybe, I will write a story about your absurd news headline, in the very near future.

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