NASA Just Updated The Astrological Signs, And Evidently My Entire Life Has Been A Lie!

What the fuck NASA! I always liked and respected you guys, and now you have made my 58 years on this earth and everything that everyone has ever believed about me, and even what I believe myself a total lie.

I am deadly serious about this. This is like waking up one morning and suddenly finding out you are actually someone else. I have actually seen science fiction movies with similar story-lines.

Seriously, this time NASA went way, way, too far. with their esoteric nerdy science stuff. So, what did the genius nerds at NASA do now that virtually made my entire life, and yours a total lie?

I’ll tell you what they did, they changed the entire fucking zodiac, that’s what. On top of that they created a thirteenth zodiac sign, Ophiuchus. I can’t even pronounce it, none the less spell it.Thank God, for cut and paste.

This is a total outrage! For centuries before I was born, and the first 58 years of my life there were twelve zodiac signs.

zodiac-signs

As far as I can tell everyone was perfectly content with these twelve zodiac signs and we were perfectly content to have our lives defined by these twelve zodiac categories. Was this good enough for the NASA science geeks? Oh no! They couldn’t  just leave well enough alone, they had to throw a wrench into everyone’s lives.

Take me as an example. For 58 years I have always been a Pieces. According to astrology, a Pieces male is defined as someone who is:

“Powerfully emotional, intuitive, creative and caring, the Pisces man is sensitive and often your most trusted friend. Often exceptionally attractive, his most endearing traits are his humility and love of romance. Spiritual, mysterious, imaginative and idealistic this man is one of the dreamers of the zodiac”.

Don’t get me wrong, I never defined my life by the zodiac, but I did kind of think that the words in bold did kind of describe me in very general terms. Others, that know me well would agree as well.

You see, actually, I am a huge believer in science, and rational thought. My whole life has been based upon this premise. Here is a great video of the great Carl Sagan discussing astrology;

My rock solid belief in science doe’s not mitigate what the science geeks at NASA have done now. My entire 58 years on this planet I have been a Pieces. Now, according to NASA, I am suddenly with a snap of their little science geek fingers… a….wait for it…Aquarius! Yes it’s true.

I even used to check my daily horoscope in the newspaper. remember newspapers? Just to see what disasters may headed my way. Not that I actually believed that, but one can never be too careful right?

According to astrology, an Aquarius male is defined as someone who is:

“Unpredictable, intelligent, social, independent and excellent communicators. Some of the negative Aquarius characteristics include unreliability, stubbornness, indecision, and inflexibility”.

Wait a minute!!!! That sort of sounds a lot like me as well. WTF?????

Now, I am having a serious identity crisis!

WTF, I am now the exact same astrological sign as my mother-in-law. Don’t get me wrong, I love her dearly, but we are seriously nothing alike.

According to the social order destroying geeks at NASA the new zodiac signs and date are now:

Capricorn: Jan 20 – Feb 16

Aquarius: Feb 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10

Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16

Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30

Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23

Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29

Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17

Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 20

So why did NASA decide to upend 86% of the people of earth’s population by changing their zodiac sign?

From csmonitor.com, According to NASA; ” the Earth’s axis has changed in the 3,000 years since the zodiac was first invented. As a result, the constellations over which the sun appears to move over have shifted over time. It also pointed out that the sun also moves over a 13th constellation, which the Babylonians deigned not to include in the zodiac in order to preserve their 12-month calendar”.

The origins of the zodiac come from a time when early astronomers believed that the universe was geocentric, that is, that, everything in the revolves around the Earth. Early civilizations examined the heavens in a search for patterns that could explain how everything worked. Many people ascribed meaning to patterns of stars in the sky, giving rise to the idea of constellations of stars that represented various aspects of their respective mythologies. As time went on, humans would chart the movements of these constellations and realize that there were predictable patterns in the night sky. These predictions would form the backbone of both astronomy and astrology, as early scientific observation mixed with superstition.

The Ancient Babylonians divided the ancient sky into 12 pieces, each 30 degrees apart, which followed the sun as it supposedly traveled around the Earth over the course of a year. Each piece was represented by a constellation to serve as a landmark for early as the sun crossed over the position of each of the 12 constellations in turn. The segments of the zodiac was an important early celestial coordinate system that provided early astronomers and astrologers with a more sophisticated understanding of the night sky. But, as the heliocentric model took hold in Europe in the 17th century, astronomers abandoned the system. Astrologers stuck with the zodiac holding on to the mystic notion that the movement of the stars could predict the future.

So, who are we going to blame for this debacle? NASA? I think not as they were just the messenger. I blame the ancient Babylonians and current astronomers.

Considering that all the ancient Babylonians are all dead, I am placing the blame squarely upon the current astronomers. Seriously, you would thing that just one of them would have said, “Listen guys, things have changed. Here’s the new deal”. Did we hear that from anyone? Nope!!!!

Which brings up another interesting question. Why didn’t astrologers or psychics predict this?

I suppose I should look at the bright side, I could have been a Virgo. Virgo’s entire sign is now just 7 days long. Talking about getting the short stick.

I would have rather been moved into the Ophiuchus zodiac sign, because it is brand new and no one has yet to define exactly what it means. At least I could have started over with a clean slate.

But for me, that has not how the stars have aligned. I will just have to learn to live as an Aquarius. The funny thing is, both Pieces and Aquarius are water signs, and I can’t even swim.

Seriously, I can’t swim at all. Well maybe I could swim for 40-50 feet or so if a shark was after me, although it would have to be a really big one, or I will have drowned long before it got to me.  Go figure.

Sometimes, I think that the universe is just mocking me.

I suppose it could be worse. I have seen a lot of people with a tattoo of their zodiac sign, and birth-date, tattooed somewhere on their body. I guess they will just have to cross out the old one, and add their new zodiac sign. Try explaining that to your friends and family.

As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy