OUCH! Security Guard Shoots Off His Penis, Could Face Charges

OUCH! Security Guard Shoots Off His Penis, Could Face Charges. Yikes!!! It’s about f–king time. Penis’s have been villainized, and victimized, for centuries. It is about time that penis’s stand up for their rights. All hail the rising power of the penis. (OK, stop groaning, I realize that this was a stupid cliche, but it was the only one I could come up with).

All it took was a dumb a– Security Guard to start a penis revolution. This just goes to prove that my “Rubber Band Theory of Human of Nature” (it’s in the 2011 archives) is correct. People, or penis’s, in this case, will only put up with physical, and mental abuse, for so long, before an event happens, that sparks a revolution.

Lets, begin with the facts. Penis’s are intelligent living things, that without a doubt, have a mind of their own. We have all heard the headlines; he was thinking with his little head, his d–k head was calling the shots, he was c–k sure of himself, etc. This is not a sensational NEWS headline, this is actually true, ask any man, he will tell you all about it.

Penis’s are known by many, many, names; Little Johnson, The General, Adam Halfpint, Admiral Winky, Albino cave dweller, Auger-headed gut wrench, Baby’s arm holding an apple, Beard splitter, Beaver buster, Beaver Cleaver, Beefy McManstick, Big Lebowski, Bow-legged swamp donkey,  Captain Winky, Charlie Russell the one-eyed muscle, Chief of staff, Cock-a-saurus Rex, Firm worm,  Flesh flute, Hammer of Thor, Handy andy, Herman von Longschlongstein, Italian stallion, Ivan the Terrible, John Thomas, JoJo the circus clown, Kaptain Kielbasa, King Dong, Leader of the sack, Leather lollipop, Lincoln log, Longrod Von Hugenstein, Long Dong Silver,  Magic Johnson, Major Manchowder, Master John Goodfellow, Master of ceremonies, Master John Goodfellow, Master of ceremonies, Peter the Great, Porcelain plumber, Pump-action yogurt rifle, Ralph the fur faced chicken, Russian spurtnik, Silly Willy’s stick of mayhem, Sir Martin Wagstaff, Trouser trout, Two pebbles and a twig, Vlad the Impaler, Wally the one-eyed wonder wiener, Willy the one-eyed wonder worm, Xcaliber, Zamboni baloney, Zipper trout. There are about a thousand more names as well.

It doesn’t matter what a man’s penis is called, it still boils down to a fundamental issue of civil rights. Don’t get the wrong impression, I have no interest in penis’s, other then my own, obviously, I am kind of attached to it. I am not so naive to believe that all penis’s are created equal, or that all penis’s are law abiding citizens.

Some penis’s have a criminal mind set, and deserve to be prosecuted, to the fullest extent of the law, including, OUCH! castration. Others, lead their owners astray, and seek other women, (or men) for their own, short term gratification. These penis’s should also get what they deserve. However, I believe that most penis’s, are law abiding citizens, with a strong moral compass.

Frankly, I am not surprised that after decades of abuse, penis’s are finally starting to stand up for their rights. It’s about time the law is starting to come to the realization that penis’s are thinking, intelligent entities, and as such, have basic civil rights. Basic civil rights rights that are bestowed upon everyone, including, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Penis’s are not just comprised of a little helmet head, they also include testicles, or balls, to supply vital nutrients, and other essential penis functions. Basically, they are a package deal, to function at 100% efficiency, everything has to function as one complete unit.  This is the way, it has always been, and always will be, since the beginning of time. This is where the expression “So and so, has balls,” or “It takes a lot of balls, to do that” came about. One part, cannot survive, without the other.

I have thoughts on this as well. We have a dog, Homer. We rescued Homer from an abusive environment. It took a lot of time, and loving care, but eventually, Homer became a dog with an abundance of self esteem. As far as I can Tell, Homer does not think of himself as a small 20 pound dog, he sees himself, as a giant among dogs. Incidentally, Homer is not neutered.

Neutering, is essentially the act of cutting off, a male dog’s balls. The veterinarian actually tried to convince us, that Homer would be; happier, healthier, and lead a longer life, if we would agree to chop off his nuts. Really? I might believe this, if all male veterinarians had their balls cut off, and be able to tell me, with a straight face, that they now lead a more happier, healthier, and longer life.

Let me see, all normal male dogs, like humans, were born with balls, and they somehow, would be happier, healthier, and lead a longer life, if you just cut them off. If that were the case why would they be born with balls to begin with? I believe that Homer’s balls, is part of his personality, and contributes to his over-sized, self esteem.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating having dogs, running around breeding with any other female dog they see. I am saying that keeping Homer in the yard, prevents any unwanted puppies, and seems to keep him happy, as he is still equipped with all his original parts.

This brings me back to my original point, that penis’s, along with their associated parts, are a package deal, and severing one, definitely effects the other. I believe that penis’s should form their own collective bargaining unit, a sort of penis union. Maybe they could call this union, The International Penis Union, or IPU. This would be the first step in recognizing penis’s, as a living, thinking, protected species. The next step would be a tour of the “Penis Monologues” similar to women’s “Vagina Monologues. Anything, to increase awareness, of the abuse, and victimization, of penis’s everywhere.

The prosecution of a dumb a– security guard for penis murder, in the 2nd degree, is the first step towards penis equality, and recognition, of a penis as a living, thinking, being. However, after recognition, comes responsibility, and accountability. Men are not ruled by their penis, just the opposite, men rule their penis.

A penis cannot exist as a separate, stand alone entity, and must live in an equal partnership, between a man, and his penis. A man, shall not harm, or abuse his penis, in any shape or form. Conversely a penis must never abuse his man, or cause his man, to perform any acts that are immoral, or illegal, or would lead him astray from his committed relationships.

Aside from the rules for living, I just listed above, a man’s penis, must be taught to know the difference between, right and wrong, good and evil, and most importantly, be taught that a man, and his penis, is a partnership based upon respect, one that cannot be abused, by either party. Neither, man, nor his penis, can force themselves upon another person, a penis must not ever embarrass, his man, and must perform, as intended, when the man desires, for all lawful activities.

A mans penis, must never, ever, rise to the occasion, with inappropriate people, or at inappropriate times. If this compact, is ever broken, both man, and his penis, shall be subject to prosecution, to the fullest extent of the law.