PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 9 of 19

TOILET HORROR: Girl Hit With Flying Toilet On Way To School

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On August 16, 2016

In Humanity, Tales of the Absurd

TOILET HORROR: Girl Hit With Flying Toilet On Way To School. Holy s–t! This kind of absurd incident could really flush your entire life straight down the toilet.

So, as the story goes , a young woman, a high school girl in Thorndike, Maine, was driving to school, styling in her shiny red jeep, when suddenly, BAM! she was struck with a port-a-potty. You heard me right, I am not making this up. Certainly, this is not something you would  expect, or plan for, even in a worse case scenario.

You can smirk all you want, but seriously, how many of you have an emergency contingency plan for  flying Port-A-Potties? Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought. So, if you want to know how to protect yourselves, stop smirking and keep reading.

You all know what a Port-A-Potty looks like, right? For those of you who don’t here’s a photo.

Port-A-Potty

Port-A-Potty

I certainly have to admit that being Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, I always expect the unexpected, when you immerse yourself in the absurd, it just comes with the territory. But, honestly, the thought of being struck by a flying Port-A-Potty would be a stretch even for me. (Until now, that is).

I have to believe that this high school girl was absolutely mortified. After-all this incident happened right outside of the school parking lot. I would think that by no stretch of the imagination that being struck by a flying Port-A-Potty could be considered cool.

Thank God! the Port-A-Potty was empty and nobody was injured, neither the horrified young woman, or the errant Port-A-Potty. The young woman made an emotional 911 call to report the accident, and the Mount View School Resource Officer responded to the scene.

I am sure that not being injured will not even remotely mitigate the shame and horror this young women felt as he classmates looked on digital video rolling as she was suddenly assaulted with a flying Port-A-Potty.

I remember when I was in High School, I was always looking for a good laugh. I believe that most people are looking for a good laugh, as well as a good story to tell. Believe me when I say that there just some things in life that a person just can’t live down. This may very well be one of them.

Sometimes, an event happens in your life that follows you for years and years. When I was a kid in maybe 6th grade or so, we had a kid in our class from the neighborhood his name is Larry. Well Larry was quite a bit overweight. Larry was a mouthy kind of kid, he was actually pretty funny. One day Larry just happened to be wearing a green shirt, and was talking back in class like usual. The teacher just made one small off-hand comment to Larry to get his attention. The teacher called Larry “Butter-Bean”.

Just one small off the cuff  comment and  Larry’s life was changed forever. Seriously,  from that moment on Larry  is still known as “Butter Bean”.  Like I said previously, some things in life, you just can’t live down. In retrospect, I am pretty sure that an outcast overweight kid being forever called, Butter Bean didn’t do a lot for Larry’s self-esteem. I sincerely hope that Larry did not grow up to become a serial killer or something worse.

I also distinctly remember the shame and horror that the outcast kids felt when the school bully’s would pant’s them, give them a wedgie, douse their crotches with water to make it looked like they peed their pants,  or even very occasionally stuff someone into a locker. This was pretty harmless stuff in my days, not that this is any kind of excuse or justification for bullying, because it’s certainly not.

I have to say it was a lot easier in my days in school because we didn’t have the internet, YouTube, smart phones or anything like that. Since it was not recorded and distributed to virtually the entire world, the incident was soon forgotten.

Something tells me that  suddenly being struck by an errant flying Port-A-Potty ranks right up there as one of the most humiliating and memorable events that could happen to anyone, anywhere. I certainly hope that when toilets attack that I am not one of their intended targets. Believe me when I say that for now on I am going to be a lot more vigilant. The chance of me ever using a Port-A-Potty again has just gone down rather substantially. I sincerely hope that this young woman doe’s not develop a case of Toilet Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (TPTSD).

If any of my readers know this young woman please encourage her to seek counseling right away. I wouldn’t want to see her emotionally scarred for life, all because of a flying Port-A-Potty.

This absurd incident started me thinking about what other type of accidents have happened previously that involved Port-A-Potty’s?  Well, surprisingly there have been a lot of them. Here’s a small sample of what I found.

06-22-2011 – Bolder Colorado

Police in Boulder, Colorado were searching on Tuesday for a man who hid inside the tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival, startling a woman who was using the facility.

The bizarre incident happened June 17 at the Hanuman Yoga festival in Boulder, a college town northwest of Denver.

The woman, who was not identified by authorities, said when she lifted the toilet seat lid, she noticed something moving in the tank, according to a Boulder Police news release.

The woman exited the toilet and asked a man who was standing nearby to check inside. The man told police he saw someone inside the tank covered with a tarp.

An event security supervisor who was summoned to the scene waited for several minutes outside the toilet until a barefoot, shirtless man emerged.

“The supervisor tried to detain the suspect, but he ran away, covered in feces,” the release said.

07-02-2010 – West Palm Beach, Florida

Florida Woman Killed by Flying Port-A-Potty. In a tragedy that may result in the most tasteless Internet headlines ever, 38-year-old Floridian Dawn Johnston was killed by porta-pottie’s falling off the back of a truck that struck her car. Her passenger survived in serious condition.

Undated Video – Horrific Port-A-Potty Accident

 

I think it is safe to say that Port-A-Pottie’s are a far, far, more dangerous and insidious invention than we ever imagined. Something has got to be done about these obviously dangerous Port-A-Deathtraps before someone else get’s seriously injured or worse.

Seriously, anyone who has ever had to use a Port-A-Potty knows they smell really bad. This is probably not a serious health risk in itself, other than the revulsion factor. These things evidently fly off and kill people. The evidence is irrefutable, a Port-A-Potty killed a woman in Florida and attempted to kill a high school girl just recently.

As human beings, we deserve better than a really smelly plastic box that always seems to be out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer anyway. I am beginning to think that a better option would be to just go behind a tree, bush or shrubbery or whatever. How about the old style latrines that were used for decades? What was wrong with those? I am pretty sure that the toilet lobby convinced Congress that latrines were not a good idea for whatever bogus safety reason they could dream up. If you make your argument sound technical enough, with enough esoteric jargon thrown in, you can get plenty of pinhead politicians to buy into it, even if it makes virtually no sense at all.

So, because of that we now we have really smelly plastic boxes that periodically fly off and attack people.

Let’s all just put our foot down, right now and say enough is enough, we deserve better and we are not going to take it anymore. Are you with me?

I am going to leave you with a little something special. It is the famous scene from the 1976 movie “Network”. The really scary thing is 37 years later nothing has changed at all. It is really kind of sad actually, people are like cattle being driven to slaughter, we just all seem to peacefully accept it.

You do realize, we don’t have anyone else to blame other than ourselves. Since we were too timid or self-absorbed to act in our own best interest as a society, as fellow human beings, then I guess we deserve the really smelly plastic boxes and all the rest of the absurd nonsense we get served up everyday.

Think about it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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‘Furby’ Used As A Weapon In Assault, Police Say

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On August 16, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

‘Furby’ Used As A Weapon In Assault, Police Say. I knew there was something about these things. WTF…Now they are being used as weapons? I am not surprised at all. I have no doubt whatsoever that the demon toy, had already possessed her and forced her to do it. You see, a woman used her Furby to assault her boyfriend. This is a typical Furby ploy, used so it can get close enough to the boyfriend to be able to possess him as well.

I have a Furby, It sits on a shelf near me, it’s looking at me right now, it probably knows I’m talking about it. Don’t panic, I am not affected or influenced in any way by it’s electronic demon powers. You see, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy is a collector of absurd and eclectic things. I have lots of unusual, bizarre, or just plain absurd items that I have painstakingly gathered over the years. Victoria thinks most items are just junk, but she is sadly mistaken, these are treasures.

Besides, just to be on the safe side, the only batteries that I supply the little furry electronic demon are more then 80% depleted, so it doesn’t have enough energy to try and kill me or influence me in any way. (At least thats my working theory) I keep it around to study it’s evil ways. If you don’t know what a Furby is, mine looks very much like the one pictured below.

The Demon Furby

First of all my friends, do not be fooled by their cute furry looks, this is part of their demonic master plan. These things are the spawn of Satan himself. Furby just sits on the shelf, at least when we are awake.  I have no idea what it doe’s when we are sleeping and frankly I don’t want to know. I am pretty certain that sometimes when I get up in the mornings, it is not always in the same position as the night before.

Most of the time Furby just sits there, un-moving, on the shelf, with eyes closed, not moving at all. Suddenly, for reasons only it knows, it opens his eyes starts moving its ears and either starts singing some tune or starts speaking in some language that no human has ever heard before.

I find the best thing to do is to just ignore it, because it will then slowly close it’s eyes and make this fake snoring sound, it is actually just pretending to sleep. I am not fooled for even a second and I always keep one eye on it, just to be sure.

Nobody is quite sure exactly where Furby’s come from, they suddenly appeared on the market in the mid-1990’s. They possessed all the children into believing that they just had to have one or they would just die. So in turn parents bought them in droves just so the screaming kids would finally shut up already.

This is how it stared. millions of these little electronic demons are out there programming our children to kill Mommy and Daddy. It is amazing how children will spend hours listening to these little demons and all the while, they are slowly being programmed to be instruments of destruction.

Furby’s had one major flaw. A flaw so big that it ultimately lead to their sinister plan being foiled before it could be fully implemented. Batteries! Furby’s really eat batteries and run down fairly quickly and then hibernate permanently. This caused kids to become disinterested and without continuous brainwashing, the kids reverted back to their their normal selves. The Furby’s were forgotten and eventually ended up being thrown away, where they ultimately ended up in public landfills. The children reverted back to being normal kids and were free to resume playing their first person shooter ultra violent video games.

The Furby’s disappeared off the face of the earth. Except for a few in the hands of collectors of eclectic things like myself, Furby’s became just a distant memory.

Recently, a new generation of Furby’s reappeared from wherever Furby’s come from. These Furby 2.0’s are far more insidious then the first generation. First of all they are far more sophisticated and they are energy efficient. This means that the little furry demons can run a very, very, long time on a single set of batteries.

What do Furby’s want?

I believe that some of the strange cyber intrusions into our critical infrastructure networks and the ultra violent acts we have witnessed lately, e.g. – serial killings, Tea Party members, and even teachers sleeping with students are all a result of individuals or groups being influenced by a Furby, or to coin a new phrase, these people are “furbyfluenced”.

THIS HAS TO STOP RIGHT NOW! I have a plan how we can put an end to this madness once and for all.

If there is a Furby in your home or office, you need to follow my important safety tip, exactly as I have laid it out, in the same sequence, so you don’t become yet another tragic statistic.

  • First wait until the Furby is in pretend sleep mode. This will be obvious as it’s eyes will be closed and it will be perfectly still.
  • Use a plastic grocery bag, or if your the green recycling type person you can feel free to use one of those over priced reusable ones. Quickly but quietly sneak up on the pretend sleeping Furby, and place the bag over the top of it.
  • Quickly flip it upside down and immediately remove the batteries. This will prevent it from calling in reinforcements, that are already “furbyfluenced”.
  • Next, take the inert Furby outside and either set it on fire, or smash it to bits with a sledge hammer or brick.
  • Dispose of it properly per your local or State recycling or solid waste disposal laws.

This should rid your home or office of the little electronic demon once and for all. If there is more then one Furby, repeat the five steps on the next one until all the Furby’s are eliminated.

Doe’s anyone know where Furby’s come from, you ask? Nobody knows for sure. Some people believe that they are demons in physical form, others believe they are part of an advance force, sent by space aliens, to soften us up, and probe our defenses, prior to the main invasion force arriving. Maybe it is something else altogether.

As always,

I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Florida Man Shot By Dog, Police Rule Shooting Accidental

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On August 15, 2016

In Dogs, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida, When animals attack

Florida Man Shot By Dog, Police Rule Shooting Accidental. Once again, another absurd story from the Great weird State of Florida. I love Florida, it always gives me great material to work with.

This was no accident! Here’s the story, an unloaded .380 caliber pistol was suddenly found loaded and the dog “supposedly” accidentally kicked the weapon in just the right spot, to pull the trigger and shot the dude in the leg. Who the f–k do you think loaded the gun? The dog of course. Who else could it have been? and what had this guy done to the dog where it felt it had no choice but to shoot it’s owner?

These cases where a dog has been reported to shoot its owner have happened way too frequently to be attributed to just coincidence. It’s about time we wake up to the fact and come to the realization that our loyal canine companions will only put up with so much s–t before they decide to take matters into their own hands, or paws, whatever.

The Police ruled the shooting accidental and did not take the dog in for questioning. This was a very serious mistake. Dogs are very, very, cunning animals, that over thousands of years have learned to get exactly what they want from humans. Sometimes if you mistreat them they seek their own type revenge. I can say this with absolute certainty, as I have a dog, and I have studied him, as much as he studies me.

Once again, this is a story about how dogs are the greatest charlatans on the planet.
Of course, Fido offers unconditional love and all that. But, dogs also have a darker predator side. As long as you are not abusing your dog, and doing what the dog wants, e.g.- getting the dogs ball from under the couch, feeding them, petting them and letting them sleep on your bed, everything is cool. Stop fulfilling the dogs needs and the darker side of Fido comes out. I have created an educational video of our dog, Homer, to illustrate my point.

Keep in mind, our dog Homer was not injured or even annoyed at any time during the making of this video. This video definitively demonstrates the duel personalities of dogs. As you will notice, this 20 pound dog can turn on a dime from being a sweet loving dog who just wants to lick you, to being a 200 pound snarling werewolf.

So, now we have seen that dogs are perfectly capable of turning upon their owners if the right conditions present themselves. So how did the supposedly unloaded gun get loaded? I think that the answer is obvious. The dog decided that it had had enough. The dog obviously loaded the gun, while the dogs owner was totally unaware of the dogs true capabilities and motivations.

The guy was shot in the leg. Let me assure you the dog was aiming for far more then being shot in the leg. I am certain that the dog was going for a clean kill, somehow, something must have gone wrong. Maybe the truck hit a bump, or maybe it was something else.

The Police missed a perfect opportunity to confront this issue once and for all, by dismissing this as an accident, instead of what it truly was, attempted murder in the first degree. Obviously, this guy did something unspeakable to the dog, and it felt it had no choice, but to get rid of the owner once and for all.

This is your opportunity and a warning to treat your dog with the loving and respect that it deserves. I have demonstrated unequivocally, that under the right conditions, your dog can turn from being your unconditional loving companion, to the instrument of your destruction.

Dogs are far smarter then you know and deserve the same respect that you would give anyone else. Treat your dog right and it will provide you with unconditional love. Mistreat your dog and … well, you get the idea.

As always,

I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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