PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 8 of 19

Stolen Krispy Kreme Truck Results In High-Speed Police Chase

Stolen Krispy Kreme Truck Results In High-Speed Police Chase, Warning : This story contains excessive donut jokes!

This thief found out the hard way that this was a serious f–king mistake. Other then armored trucks full of cash, there is nothing else that the Cops would take more seriously then stealing their donuts.

As the story goes a Krispy Kreme donut truck driver was making a delivery, when a thief looking for a quick sugar high, jumped into the unoccupied donut truck and took off. Usually when a story is this absurd, it most likely happened in the great weird State of Florida. Well my friends, this time this tragic story actually happened in the State of Georgia. Both states share a border with each other, so close enough.

The fist thing that occurs to me is even if this half-wit could somehow manage to evade 75 Cop cars, helicopters, road blocks, stop-sticks, and whatever else, what would he do with an entire truck of Krispy Kreme donuts anyway?

There is no way in hell that this whack job could eat all of them even if he tried. I could see that he may be able to choke down maybe a dozen of so. Even eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donets may be fatal for the amount of sugar, fat, cholesterol, salt and calories, he would be consuming at once. I did some quick research on the nutritional value of Krispy Kreme donuts and what I found made my eyes glaze over.

The average Krispy Kreme donut contains 200 calories, 12g fat, 6g saturated fat, 10g sugar and 95g of salt.. Keep in mind that this is for each donut. so by using some simple math, if this wing-nut were to consume only one dozen of these stolen donuts, he would be consuming;

  • 2,400 calories
  • 144g fat
  • 72g saturated fat
  • 120g sugar
  • 1,140g salt

All this in one sitting, you might as well just do this in the emergency room, as this is where he would end up anyway, at least this way he could save himself a trip. Now if he was going to try to eat all the donuts in the truck he might as well park himself in front of the morgue. For the sake of argument let’s say that there were eighty five dozen donuts left on the truck. I need to break out the calculator for this one. If this f–king moron were to consume the entire contents of the truck in one day he would be consuming:

  • 192,000,00 calories
  • 12,240.00 grams of fat
  • 6,120 grams of saturated fat
  • 10,200 grams of sugar
  • 96,900 grams of salt

Maybe this guy was going to attempt to commit suicide or death by Krispy Kreme. Hey, I have heard of more bizarre things than that. If you have been a regular reader of this blog, then you know it as well.

Maybe this moron thought he would be standing on a street corner in some seedy neighborhood and trying to sell a dozen donuts at at a time, at incredibly discounted prices. You know what I mean, like those shady charters in New York City, trying to pass off fake Rolex watches for $50.00 each to unsuspecting rubes. I can see it know this donut hole, standing on the corner in a trench coat, every time a person passes by he starts his spiel, Psssst! Psssst, Hey you! Want to buy a dozen fresh Krispy Kreme donuts? only $5.00 a dozen?

The most important aspect of this morons entire plan was, the Cops were never going to let him get away with it. There was no way in hell that the Cops were going to put up with a local shortage of Krispy Kreme donuts. As far as the Cops were concerned, this was a major crime that in no way would be allowed to happen, no way, no how. This dim-wit didn’t stand a chance. Hell, some unlucky sap, caught red handed, sleeping with both of the Police Chief’s daughters at the same time, wouldn’t rate this high, as far as crimes go.

Just try and picture this, a dozen or more Cop cars, with lights flashing, sirens blaring, chasing after a Krispy Kreme donut truck speeding down a major highway. Seriously, if this was me, I would probably get into an accident, just from laughing so hard, this would be the epitome of every Cop and donut story ever told.

Believe it or not, this high speed police chase lasted for over 15 miles. The Police chase exceeded speeds of over 70 milesw an hour, evidently Krispy Kreme donut trucks son’t have the ability to go any faster. Finally, the Cops chased down this guy onto a dead end, residential street, where the deranged Krispy Kreme donut truck thief was finally overcome by donut fumes and crashed into a mailbox.

The deranged Krispy Kreme donut truck thief, high on donut fumes, attempted to escape on foot. He was soon apprehended by a K-9 Police dog. All I know for sure is this is one hell of a trained K-9 Police dog. I have a dog, Homer. Homer, would be able to find the Krispy Kreme donut truck right away, even it it was buried underground. Trying to find the donut thief with all those donut fumes emanating from the Krispy Kreme donut truck would be way too much of a distraction for Homer.

The Krispy Kreme donut thief was ultimately caught and arrested. I wonder how much of the trucks contents made it into the Police evidence locker. Do you think that Krispy Kreme offered the Police a reward of one month’s supply of Krispy Kreme donuts? Nah! I doubt it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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LOOK: Is This A Tiny Space Alien?

LOOK: Is This A Tiny Space Alien. Really, You guys must have heard about this, it’s been all over the news lately. The aliens visiting Earth are only 6″ tall?  This is what the alien conspiracy nuts have been harping about all this time? Hoards of micro-aliens invading Earth? Give me a f–king break. This supposed 6″ tall alien body  known as the Atacama Humanoid — Yeah, I know, this is a really serious scientific sounding name. This little guy, was actually discovered 10 years ago, in Chile.

tiny alien3

very tiny alien

 I would have thought that discovering a 6″ tall alien body would have been the biggest discovery since Sir. Isaac Newton discovered gravity. Well, maybe that was not the best analogy considering that gravity is always there, even on the weekends. Someone would have discovered it, sooner or later. In reality,  all Sir. Isaac Newton did was to give gravity a name, kind of an impressive name, but not  a very big deal.

With all the stories about little green men, I was not imagining that they were actually referring to really, really, little green men.  Seriously, if the little green men stories were referring to 6″ tall teeny tiny aliens, then what are we worrying about?

Lets use the SWAG method to think this through shall we? For those of you new to my stories, the SWAG method, is a Scientific Wild Ass Guess, it has served me very well in the past.

First the bad news, if the “supposed” alien UFO sightings we see around the world are real, then each of these ships must be carrying millions and millions of these little 6″ monsters. If that is the case there could be literally billions of these little 6″ aliens wandering around Earth already.

Think about it,  if 6″ tall, vertically challenged aliens, traveled around in a craft, let’s say the size of a football, no one would ever notice them right?  Well, I guess that this is no different than the infestations of rats, or squirrels, or whatever. As the human race, we have always dealt with this sort of infestations in the past and we can deal with this teeny tiny alien vermin as well.

tiny alien

Tiny alien headshot

OK, now the good news. What are these little 6″ tall aliens going to do to us anyway? Seriously, I am almost 6′ tall what’s a 6″ alien going to do to me? I would just step on it’s little alien a-s. Here’s a scary thought, What if every time we get those little stinging welts  that we get sometimes get, you know the ones that they always attribute to some nearly invisible insect called a No See Um, you know what I mean, right?  What if that is actually a minor wound wound caused by the 6″ tall aliens, teeny tiny beam weapons?

You know, the more I think about this, it may very well be the case. This is especially true here in Florida. This happens all the time, especially  in the summer months, usually just around dusk. Doesn’t Florida have a similar climate to Chile? Maybe the 6″ tall aliens prefer the warmer climates.

If thats the case, is that all the little teeny tiny alien vermin have in their tiny arsenal?  Here’s one for you little alien a–es, If you shoot at me one more time, not only will I sick my dog, Homer on you, I will then literally mow you’re little alien a–es down by the millions with my Toro riding lawn mower. I hope you guys can run fast, because if you can’t, it’s going to be a teeny tiny alien armageddon.

tiny alien2

Tiny Alien Body

Seriously, I will drop kick your  little teeny tiny alien a–es into next week. So, be forewarned, tiny aliens, knock it off. If you little 6″ aliens can behave, maybe, we can share our planet. I’m thinking there must be some sort of small 100 acre tropical island available somewhere,  that we could donate to you little guys.

For the rest of us, think about it, if you were only 6″ tall, 100 acres would be like an entire planet.

Listen little alien dudes, If you read this story, I am making you guys a really valuable proposition. If you teeny tiny guys (or girls) can behave, I will make sure that this happens.  All I need from you is exclusive representation and first rights to all alien technologies.

That’s really not too much to ask for, is it?

First show some good faith. Stop shooting your nano sized and very annoying beam weapons at me and come out in peace and friendship and trust me, I will find a way for all of us to live in peace and make a lot of money.

Are you alien dudes with me? or do I need to break out the riding lawn mower?

You guys know where to find me.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Chem-trails: Real or Fake?

Chem-trails: Real or Fake? Have you guys heard about this nonsense? This is one of the wackier conspiracy theories going around, where some half wits, try to link some obscure observations, and nonsense beliefs, into a theory that in no way matches reality.
So what are these so called chem-trails?Evidently, these are quite different from common contrails, which is the abbreviation for condensation trail, seen when a jet flying at higher altitudes form ice crystals, and water vapor, in the air, and leave a white trail behind the plane. We have all seen contrails. Nothing suspicious there.

Chem-trails are supposedly an entirely different thing. Evidently, according to conspiracy theorists chem-trails are part of a covert government program to seed the atmosphere with chemicals. Some of these conspiracy nuts actually believe that this activity is carried out by some sort of “shadow government”. I am not sure what a shadow government is,. However, I am pretty sure that the real government wouldn’t care for this very much, and would take some sort of action to stop them.

The problem with conspiracy theory’s like this, is the nut jobs who believe this clap trap can’t even agree on what is actually happening. Some of these people believe that the government, either the legitimate government, or the supposed super secret Shadow Government, are spraying chemicals into the atmosphere, in an attempt to modify the weather, or even modify the effects of climate change. Other more extreme conspiracy theorist’s believe that the government is spraying chemicals to slowly poison people, to bring the world’s population down to sustainable levels.

How can you tell the difference between a regular contrail and a chem-trail?

Evidently, according to these whack-jobs, a regular contrail from a high flying jet dissipates very quickly, and disappears completely, in a very short period of time.  A chem-trail, on the other hand, is very persistent, and spreads out, making hazy clouds, and the main give away is they are usually created by more then one plane crisscrossing the sky, so they can get complete coverage.

There seems to be some sort of consensus amongst these wackos that the main ingredients involved in this covert high altitude spraying program includes a combination of aluminum, and barium. Some also believe that this covert operation is also being carried out over European NATO alliance countries as well.

 
Contrail or Chem-trail?

OK, as I am, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am going to destroy this idiotic argument with a purely data driven analysis of the facts. Trust me, you do not have to be a scientist to research the various aspects of half baked conspiracy theory.

Shadow Government Vs. The Elected Government

Some people actually believe in some sort of world wide Shadow Government that is actually the real, world encompassing power, and basically pulls the strings for all major political events. Evidently the elected Governments are actually carrying out the secret agenda of this Shadow Government. Various references to this so called Shadow Government include organizations e.g. – the Trilateral Commission, The Free Masons, The Illuminati, The World Bank, C.I.A., Council of Foreign Relations, and others.

Really? I think we can dispense with this notion right away. Just look at the United States Government as an example. The Democratic and Republican parties can’t even agree on what time it is, so virtually nothing of substance ever gets done. I find it highly unlikely that they could be puppets for some super secret Shadow Government. If there is a Shadow Government, then they certainly suck at advancing their secret agenda, whatever it may be, through Congress.

Are real contrails just a short lived phenomena?

Next let’s look at the notion that contrails are strictly a short lived phenomena. This is true in some instances, and in other instances, contrails may persist for a very long period of time. This is due to atmospheric conditions, jet stream, humidity, altitude, engine wake vortices, and ice supersaturation, in the upper atmosphere. I am not going to go into a long dissertation on atmospheric science. There is a lot of reliable information out there if you care to read up on it. Suffice it to say, that this belief is not grounded in science, but is actually an uninformed belief system. If you want an example of naturally occurring persistent water vapor, here’s, one,…FOG! That’s right, Fog, or how about clouds? think about it. Consider this thought, just because someone believes something to be fact, doe’s not make it so. Just look at the Flat Earth Society, they still exist today, need I say more.

Are crisscrossing contrails, actually chem-trails?

As for the crisscrossing chem-trail patterns, utilizing multiple planes, this also has a simple scientific explanation. If an observer is on the ground, and looks up at what appears to be two or more planes flying in tandem, at high altitude, this is not actually the case at all. There are flight separation rules strictly enforced by the FAA, and air traffic control. Furthermore, this is just an illusion. The two or more planes that appear to be flying tandem are actually separated by several thousand feet in altitude. From the observers point of view, the planes appear to be flying together. This is only because the sky doe’s not provide a reference point for distance or separation. You can easily confirm this by looking at them through a pair of high powered binoculars.

As far as the crisscrossing contrail (or chem-trail) patterns that the conspiracy theory nut jobs find to be highly suspicious.This is the most easy issue to explain. According to the FAA there are approximately 7,000 commercial jets flying across the United States at any given time. This figure doe’s not include; cargo jets, corporate jets, or military flights. Just take a look at the visualization of flight paths over the United States below.

US Flight Paths

As you can clearly see by the image above, there are literally thousands of crisscrossing flight paths most everywhere over the United States. In some parts of the country, there may be predominately North-South flight paths, like in the Pacific Northwest.  In other areas of the country there are crisscrossing flight paths in every direction. Here’s an interesting statistic, Chicago’s O’hare International Airport, has a large jet taking off, or landing, every 15 seconds. Think about that for a second, a large jetliner, taking off, or landing, every 15 seconds. That’s a s–tload of planes, and that’s at only a single airport. There are a few thousand commercial use, or military airports, operating in the United States. The average altitude of large commercial jetliners is between 27,000 and 37,000 feet. This would make a tremendous amount of crisscrossing contrails, don’t you think?

Physical malady’s from Chem-trails

As for the chem-trail conspiracy believers who report feeling shaky, irritable, nervous, exhibit allergic reactions, etc., etc., when they see these supposed chem-trails being created. I would put forth the proposition that belief is a powerful thing. If you believe someone is spraying some sort of toxic chemicals into the atmosphere then your body and mind respond to it. This is known as the placebo effect. I would be willing to bet that if you took these same people, and isolated from their environment. (Essentially isolate them so they could not see or hear their outside surroundings), they would not exhibit any of these psychosomatic, or sympathetic symptoms, if they were totally unaware of when it was happening.

Do you believe me now?

As you can plainly read, I have put forth a very clear scientific rebuttal regarding these so called fictional chem-trails. Will it make any difference to those nut cases who chose to ignore the facts, and believe in some fantastic conspiracy theory? Of course not. The whole idea of a conspiracy theory is that anyone, including myself, maybe in on it. That is anyone who disagrees with, or provides evidence to the contrary of their particular belief system.

If you look on YouTube, or do a Google search with the keyword; Chem-Trails, you will get thousands of hits including some very slickly produced videos attempting to explain how chem-trails are real, and of course they have the absolute proof that this is some sort of global conspiracy. They don’t offer peer reviewed proof, research, or experiments, to support their position. This just feeds into and reinforces the false belief systems of the gullible believers, and perpetuates this nonsense conspiracy theory.

It is so easy to ignore common sense. It takes hundreds, or thousands of people to fly, build, maintain, repair, or fuel the hundreds of aircraft that are supposedly spraying toxic chemicals upon the people of the world. Are you trying to tell me that not one individual would blow the whistle on this covert operation? Seriously?

Why don’t they send someone up with a jet and take air samples of these so called chem-trails? According to some of these nut jobs, the laboratories refuse to test the samples because they are also in on it. Trust me, I have taken literally hundreds of air, water, and soil samples, as part of my job, and sent them out to be tested. Not once did a laboratory refuse to test them. As a matter of  fact you don’t even have to tell the laboratory where you got the sample.

Evidently, the mainstream media doe’s not report these type stories, because they too are in on it. Yeah Right! If you have a great story, especially a great story about a super secret covert action to kill off a large part of the worlds population, a story that you could absolutely prove, they would all be all over it in a second. We wouldn’t hear about anything else for weeks. The mainstream media doe’s not report this story, because it’s not true.

We could also explore other glaring holes in this bizarre conspiracy theory  e.g.- the pilots spraying these chemicals are also spraying their family members who may live nearby.

If this was really Geo-engineering on a massive scale, to control, or mitigate, the effects of climate change, it is obviously not working, and is a phenomenal waste of money.

Why would anyone use aluminum, and barium, as a toxin, as it would take forever, and kill indiscriminately.

Certainly various governments, including the United States have experimented on small groups of their citizens in the past, but on a scale this large? seriously? There is no way in hell that you could keep something like this secret.

Always remember the basic premise of Occam’s razor, the centuries old principle of economy, or succinctness. Simply stated says;  With two things being equal, the simplest explanation, is usually the correct answer.

It seems to me that vast global Government conspiracies perpetrated by a super secret Shadow Government is an awfully complex and convoluted explanation.

Whoa, For a minute there, I was almost starting to believe my own bulls–t.

I have a confession to make. I really need to get this off my chest, the burden, is just too heavy, the last 25 years of my life, I have kept a terrible secret.

You see, I am actually a high ranking member of the Illuminati, Ministry of Propaganda. My sole purpose along with thousands of bloggers worldwide, as well as just about all of the main stream media, is to provide misinformation, and to distort the facts, anytime anyone gets too close to the real truth. This was one of those cases.

Of course Fox News, is not part of this vast conspiracy, as everyone knows they don’t lie or distort the truth, in any way.

Essentially, my job is to lie, to lie consistently, and lie all the time.
As a matter of fact, I am lying right now.

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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