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Month: August 2016 Page 7 of 19

The Horror Of Champagne Cork Injuries (It Can Happen To You)

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On August 19, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

The Horror Of Champagne Cork Injuries (It Can Happen To You) Enough is enough! When are we finally going to do something about the thousands of people killed, and injured, every year, especially New Years Eve, from these deadly champagne cork shootings. How many innocent people have to die before the public, and our elected officials, finally act to stop these senseless tragedies?

It is long established constitutional law regarding every American’s right to possess champagne. However, I believe that this right does not extend to military grade, or cheap foreign imports of champagne that plague American society from our inner cities, to rural small towns. In most States it is perfectly legal to carry a concealed, and loaded, champagne bottle, on your person everywhere you go.

Part of the problem of champagne violence plaguing America is because it is very easy to purchase. There are numerous stores in virtually every city that high powered champagne can be purchased by anyone over the age of 21 without any sort of  background check or waiting period. A simple State issued identification card or drivers license is all that is usually required.

This entire process for the purchase of, and possession, of high powered champagne, is flawed because it allows mentally unstable persons, as well as convicted felons, to purchase high powered, and fully loaded champagne, without any fear of being caught. None of the fifty States require you to register your loaded champagne, or restrict the firing of deadly champagne corks anywhere except in public spaces clearly marked by signage forbidding it.

Champagne comes in all sizes, or calibers. The standard “civilian calibers” range from the easily concealable .1875 caliber bottle, commonly referred to as a “Snipe” to .375 and .750 caliber, half and full sized bottles. All three of these standard sizes pack a single shot champagne cork, and all can be lethal from fairly close range for the .1875 caliber “Snipe”, to the medium and long range killing power of the .375 and .750 caliber sizes.

There are larger caliber “Military Grade” champagne’s designed to kill or maim people from very great distances. These include the 1.5 caliber “Magnum” all the way up to the very long range 30.0 caliber “King of Salem”  long distance heavy artillery. Military caliber champagnes have been known to explode spontaneously, if not stored in the proper conditions.

There are those groups that argue civilians also have to constitutional right to possess Military Grade, high caliber, champagne’s as well. These groups are very misguided as these military grade high caliber sizes are not designed for self defense, hunting, target practice, or any other legitimate purposes. These military calibers were only designed for one thing, killing people, and be used specifically in battlefield conditions. These military caliber champagnes are of no use to civilians, and have been used in some of the highest profile crimes against innocent people, including women and children.

All champagne calibers are single shot, one time use weapons. However, there is a difference in the corks used for all calibers. There is the standard cork, found moistly in civilian calibers, as well as the plastic champagne cork, used mostly in military calibers. The plastic military grade champagne cork is far more lethal, and easily penetrates, most body armor.

After the most recent News Years Eve tragedies, now is the time to have a thoughtful discussion as a nation and civilized society  regarding sensible regulations for champagne, and champagne corks, to prevent these senseless injuries and deaths caused my mentally unstable individuals, as well as convicted felons.

Call, write, or email your Senator, Congressman or The President and let them know that high caliber military grade champagnes have no use in a civilized society, and demand sensible regulations to prevent future tragedies. Enough is enough.

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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Man Accused Of Sex With Mini-Donkey Says It’s His Constitutional Right

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On August 19, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

Man Accused Of Sex With Mini-Donkey Says It’s His Constitutional Right.  It’s his Constitutional Right?….. Really?

I just happen to have a pocket copy of The United States Constitution, that I received in the mail from the ACLU. I need to look this up, just a minute, and I will be right back with you………..
Sorry about the wait, The United States Constitution is a bunch of very fine print. I needed to find my glasses first. Well, I read through the whole thing carefully, and nope, you do not have a Constitutional Right to have sex with mini-donkeys or even full sized donkeys.
Lets explore this argument from a Constitutional law point of view. First, we need to establish a timeline of events.
The Constitution was adopted on September 17, 1787, by the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and ratified by conventions in eleven states. It went into effect on March 4, 1789. The first ten constitutional amendments ratified by three-fourths of the states in 1791 are known as the Bill of Rights.
In 1929, Robert Green imported seven mini-donkeys of the small indigenous Sardinian breed to the United States. The first foal was born in the same year.
The first thing we discover is there is a 138 year difference between the ratification of the Bill of Rights in 1791, and the first introduction of the mini-donkey in North America in 1929.
The first ramifications of this timeline is that the framers of the Constitution, our Founding Fathers, could not have guaranteed your Constitutional Right to have sex with a mini-donkey because there were no mini-donkeys in the United States for another 138 years after the ratification of the United States Constitution. Besides, there is much written about the Constitutional Convention held in Philadelphia in 1787. There was no mention of donkeys of any size. As a matter of fact, there was no mention of guaranteeing your right to sex with any sort of animal whatsoever.
Lastly, If the Supreme Court would hear this case on it’s Constitutional merits, which they wouldn’t, I guarantee it would be the SCOTUS shortest case in United States history. This sickos lawyers would plead their case on it’s supposed Constitutional merits, the nine justices of the Supreme Court would confer amongst themselves for like three seconds, and render a verdict. The verdict would be a unanimous NO!
Thirty seven States have laws banning sex with animals, and rightfully so. Just because the Constitution doe’s not specifically grant you a particular right, or conversely specifically forbids a particular act, does not in any way mean that you have explicit rights under the Constitution. That’s what the Congress is for, to create laws.
So as you can see the United States Constitution is not going to protect your sick deviant behavior.
Besides, I am pretty sure that the SPCA kind of frowns upon this particular activity. This idiot should be banned from ever owning an animal, an even be barred from visiting a zoo for life.
Clown Accused Of Fighting With Cop Gets Ornery In CourtLet me say right off the bat, I HATE CLOWNS! There I said it. I don’t mean that I am afraid of clowns, because I certainly am not. I just don’t find them funny, not even in the slightest.

Clowns riding little teeny, tiny bicycles or unicycles, Not Funny. Clowns riding in little tiny cars, also not funny. Twenty seven clowns piling out of a little car, also not funny, and don’t get me started on balloon animals.

If you have ever seen one clown act, in your entire life you have seen them all. The only thing worse then clowns is mimes, but this story is not about mimes, we talking about clowns.

The most memorable clowns were certainly not even remotely funny at all. I will give you some specific examples, there are lots more, but these are the ones that come to mind right away.

Here’s one,  John Wayne Gacy, he was a serial killer and rapist who sexually assaulted and murdered at least 33 teenage boys and young men in the 1970’s.  He was executed in May 1994. John Wayne Gacy later became known as the “Killer Clown” due to his charitable services at fundraising events, parades and children’s parties where he would dress as “Pogo the Clown”, a character he devised himself. This psycho used to even paint pictures of clowns as well.

How about that clown in Florida, that used to do children’s parties and events like that, that was arrested because law enforcement intercepted text messages and emails where he expressed the desire to kill and eat children, he wasn’t clowning around either.

Lastly, have you ever seen the movie – Killer Clowns From Outer Space? If you haven’t seen it, you should definitely check it out. This movie is exactly about, what the title implies. This movie was a quasi, science fiction, horror movie, that was so bad, that it was actually pretty good. If your a fan of really,really, off-beat, B-rated, sci-fi horror films, then you will absolutely love this film. Like I said, clowns are not funny.

How about those bizarre clothes and make up, This is enough to make a drag queen run away in horror. Don’t get me wrong, I really like drag queen shows, I find them to be very entertaining. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite movies of all time is – The Bird Cage. This is one really, really, funny movie. Obviously drag queens have class, as you have never seen a drag queen dressed as a clown, now have you? I think not.

Now back to the story of this not so funny clown that was arrested for  disorderly conduct and resisting an officer after his  fisticuffs with a Police Officer.  The altercation started after they got reports that this clown was spraying drivers with a squirt gun. I am pretty sure that the cops were not clowning around when they arrested this idiot. Then this clown shows up in court, red nose and all and starts a bunch of crap with the judge and the court bailiff.

I bet the Judge won’t be clowning around either, when he sentences this clown. While we are at it, why don’t we just round up all the other clowns, and arrest them as well. The world would certainly be a lot better place. Like I said before, I HATE CLOWNS!

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Hot and Saucy Senior Sex At BBQ: Cops

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On August 18, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

Hot and Saucy Senior Sex At BBQ: Cops. When are the seniors citizens going to learn? Actually, I don’t blame this old couple, I blame society for not teaching senior citizens how their bodies are changing and they will have certain urges that have to be controlled. When are we going to learn that having a bunch of promiscuous senior citizens running around having sex wherever they please, is only going to lead to no good.

Try to picture this, Linda, 72 and Garry, 62 arrived in separate cars at some BBQ joint in the middle of the day on a Wednesday afternoon. The frisky seniors parked side by side in the BBQ joints parking and went inside to grab a bite to eat.

Shortly thereafter, the amorous senior citizens finished eating their BBQ they decided to get on the back seat of one of the their cars together, get naked and proceed to have sex in the backseat, in broad daylight, in full view of the patrons of the BBQ joint.

What the hell is the secret ingredient in this BBQ joint anyway? and where can I get some. Seriously there must be something in the food that would cause a couple of grey haired senior citizens to suddenly decide to rip off their clothes and go at it, right there in the parking lot in full view of everyone around. Furthermore why would they believe that anyone else around would enjoy watching a couple of senior citizens go at it in public anyway?

I am not a pharmacist so I have no idea what type of drug would cause a couple of conservative senior citizens to lose all inhibitions and have sex in public. I mean it must be something right? Even teenagers and horny twenty somethings are way more discreet then this cold couple.

There is another possibility that needs to be explored as well., Have you ever seen one of the small percentage of senior citizens who upon reaching a certain age seem to lose the social filters that almost all people possess?

Let me explain this more fully. Have you ever seen a senior citizen who just happens to say exactly what they are thinking without any thought regarding the ramifications of their words? These are the same people that will just cut in line in front of you at the grocery store or Walmart or wherever. They just don’t seem to even notice or acknowledge that you are even there.

Or, how about when you and your wife go visit old Grandpa, you knock at the door and after several minutes and shuffling sounds from inside, he finally opens the door. The first words out of his mouth when he looks at your wife is; “My God, you’re getting really fat, you need to start eating less” Do you think this couple could be this small subset of senior citizens? These type senior citizens believe that no matter how outrageous their words or actions are, they feel that they have the perfect excuse, their old, so they can do and say whatever they want.

I know this for fact as my Grandfather was like that and he told me that flat out one time. He told me that the best part of getting old, is you can do whatever you want, because you have the greatest excuse in the world, your old. He also used to say whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Maybe you know someone like that as well.

Or, this would be really f–ked up. Maybe this couple are big fans of that Betty White show “Off Their Rockers”. Have you ever seen it? This is a show where a group of old people play pranks on unsuspecting twenty somethings. Just maybe they decided to take this pranking to a whole new level and maybe at the same time prove or dispel the old urban legend that you can make people go blind by witnessing something so traumatizing that it makes the vision centers of the brain shut down, such as seeing silver haired senior citizens having sex in a public place.

I still believe that we are not teaching our senior citizens about their changing bodies and desires. We should immediately petition our Congressmen and Senators, even the President, to demand that we make this mandatory education under Medicare. How many more of us have to be subjected to old silver haired senior citizens having sex in public places. How would you explain this to your young child? Our children are traumatized enough as it is.

On the other hand, Linda & Gerry, I sincerely hope that when I get your age, I have the same libido, desires and stamina that you guys have shown to the rest of us, even if it was against our will. Hopefully, I will be much more thoughtful and discreet, so I don’t needlessly traumatize those around me. I guess only time will tell.

The owner of the BBQ joint called the cops and the amorous gray haired senior citizens were ordered to get dressed and were each given a ticket for indecent exposure. Try explaining this to your grown children, not to mention their friends at the bridge club.

As always,

 
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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