PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 6 of 19

Man Who Had Sex With Horse Was Trying To Make It Have A Baby

Man Who Had Sex With Horse Was Trying To Make It Have A Baby, Whoa..What the f–k is wrong with people? No, I take that back, people don’t do this sort of thing. This dude is a f–king freak of nature. On top of that he has committed crimes against nature. I am actually at a loss for words, so this one may be a little shorter then usual.

Most of the most absurd stories I write were inspired by events that happened in the great weird State of Florida.  This bizarre story, did not occur in Florida, it happened in the State of Texas. This story is even too bizarre for the great State of Florida.

So, as the story goes, this candidate for the “Darwin Awards” decided that since his girlfriend didn’t call at a certain time, he was going to go next door and have sex with the neighbors horse. The girlfriend didn’t call. Evidently, the girlfriend in this story was the only reasonably intelligent one in this whole sordid affair. Maybe, she knew of his propensity  to have sex with animals, or maybe she became suspicious because her boyfriend had unexplained horse hairs on his clothing. Or, most likely she got new glasses and saw this dimwit clearly for the first time. Whatever the case may be, I am certain that she has broken up with horseman by now.

According to dips–ts own statement to the police, which I have conveniently provided a copy of below, this animal perv proceeded to go to the next door neighbors house, to carry out his diabolical plan to create a horseman.

Actual Police Report

I am going to skip over the part about the mechanics of his having sex with a horse. This is something that I don’t even want to think about. However, this crazy dimwit had deluded himself into thinking that the horse must have liked it, because it just stood there. I find it far more likely the the poor horse was just so stunned, it was frozen in fear. Seriously, what would you do if some totally different species of animal decided to have sex with you, in the dark, with the intent on creating a bizarre inter-species animal hybrid genetic freak?

Didn’t this guy go to school or ever watch any kind of TV? everyone knows that there is no such thing as inter-species animal hybrids  unless they were almost genetically similar anyway. What I mean is there will never be a horse-man baby, not now, not ever.

Oh my God! I just thought of something. This is an even more horrifying  thought. Maybe he was trying to recreate the warrior class beast from ancient Greek mythology, the Centaur. What the f–k was this freak thinking. This is the last thing we need reintroduced into modern society. For those of you who are not familiar with Greek mythology, a Centaur was half man, and half horse. They have the body of a horse but, in place of the horse’s head the have the torso, head and arms of a man. Most are wild and savage, known for lustfulness and drunkenness. The exception is the wise Centaur Chiron.

Do you think it is possible this is some sort of convoluted evil plan that this dimwit was trying to pull off, to actually recreate a beast straight out of ancient Greek mythology? Na, this f–king idiot doesn’t have the intelligence to even think of any kind of plan, none the less, an evil plan.

In reality, I actually feel the most sorry for this dimwits girlfriend, she is the one who is going to have to live with having dated a guy who f–ks horses. Can you imagine the horror, and humiliation, she felt upon on finding something like this out. To makes matters worse, much worse, he was arrested, and published, in the NEWS. Not to mention it gave me something really absurd to write about as well.

This poor girl who I am certain knew absolutely nothing about this idiot’s propensity to have sex with horses. I can imagine, that the next morning after learning the horrifying news that her boyfriend was arrested for having sex with a horse, this poor girl opens the front door to her house to discover a sea of reporters and NEWS people on her front lawn, all waiting for a statement. My advice to the poor girlfriend is to disguise herself and leave, find somewhere else to start a new life where nobody knows about your ex-boyfriends crimes against nature.

We all know how the NEWS works. Somehow some reporter somewhere, most likely from FOX NEWS will somehow blame the girlfriend. After all it must have been her fault right? If she would have called or came over this entire horrendous crime against nature wouldn’t have happened right? Don’t get me wrong, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, is not saying this, and I never would. Although, I am pretty sure some that one of the right-wing-nut reporters will.

Important Safety Tip: Don’t have sex with animals.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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School Board Will Ask Custodial Staff To Stop Deranged Killers

This is a special serious commentary……… My usual absurd satire, will return on Wednesday.

School Board Will Ask Custodial Staff To Stop Deranged Killers

First of all, If you are a public school janitor, find another job, right now, without delay. I am absolutely serious, You are about to be made cannon fodder. Get out while you can. So, an idiotic School Board, in Ohio, voted unanimously (5-0) to arm the custodial, staff in their school district. Oh, don’t worry, they intend on providing some “minimal” training before arming them against potential mass murders, equipped with high caliber, high capacity, military grade, assault weapons, in the hands of a mad man, hell bent on killing everyone.

These school custodians are going to be the first, and last, line of defense, against a deranged mass murderer. Did you notice that the fairly highly paid, School Board members, did not volunteer themselves. They volunteered the school janitors. Hmmm. This is absolutely, the stupidest, f–king idea, I have ever heard, ever!

The worst part is because this idea is so f–king stupid, you can bet that it will catch on all over the place. We need to put a stop to this madness right now, before it spreads any further.School custodians did not sign up for this, they are not Police Officers, FBI Agents, or Soldiers, who are highly trained, highly skilled, professionals who actually sign up for this. They know the risks, and they accept them.

Here’s some sobering statistics. There were 163 law enforcement officers killed in 2011, and there have been 58,261 assaults against law enforcement each year, resulting in 15,658 injuries. Keep in mind that these are highly trained, highly skilled individuals. 95% of all Police Officers never, ever, have to fire their weapon in the line of duty during their entire career.

Even the most highly trained civilian law enforcement agents in the United States, FBI Special Agents, have been killed in the line of duty. 36 FBI Special Agents have been killed in the line of duty since the FBI was founded in 1908. This doesn’t sound like a lot, but as of September, 2012, there were only 13,913 Special Agents total. This is a very small number, compared to the total number of Police Officers, Sheriff’s Deputy’s, etc. which number in the tens of thousands.

You have to keep in mind, FBI Special Agents do not rush into a crime scene like Police Officers do. The FBI meticulously plans every action, down to the smallest detail, before ever approaching a hostile situation. Still, even with all this extensive planning, things can, and do, go wrong.

I was privileged to be asked to participate in the FBI Citizens Academy, at the Tampa FBI Field Office, in 2011. This is a program that selects various people, from diverse segments of the community, to learn how the FBI operates, and develop partnerships between the FBI, and local citizens, so we can all learn how to make our communities safer. Let me tell you I learned a lot.

Some of the many things I learned, by participating in The FBI Citizens Academy, only reinforces my belief, that arming school custodians, is an amazingly stupid, and ill conceived idea. First of all, let me tell you, the FBI agents I met are honest, hard working, highly skilled, and dedicated, to what they do. Trust me when I say they are not very much like they are commonly portrayed on TV. These individuals are smart, funny, and very, very, skilled. You could be living right next door, or down the street, form one right now, and you may not even realize it.

Did you know that an FBI Special Agent has to retire at 57? That’s right, it is determined that you can no longer pass the fitness, and mental requirements, to effectively continue, in this line of work. That says something about how highly trained and skilled these men and women actually are. Like I said, what I learned, absolutely reinforces my belief, that arming school custodians, is an incredibly stupid idea.

I can’t speak for the FBI, but I am pretty sure that they would agree with me on this one. One of the things I learned was, that even with minimal training, you are in no way prepared for how things actually go down. All these pro assault military weapons nut-jobs you see, spouting off about arming everyone, which will ultimately prevent all these horrendous tragedies, we have experienced in the last several years, are dead wrong.

One of the things we got to do, was use the firing simulator, where you experienced real life scenarios, e.g.- bank robbery, and hostage situations, and you had to react quickly, to decide to shoot, or not shoot, I don’t care how prepared you think you are, or how minimally trained you may be, you can never be prepared for this. 

No matter how much, bulls–t, macho bravado, you may spout, when the s–t hits the fan, all bets are off. If you are in a situation with an active shooter present, you can in no way be prepared for what you will encounter in a real life situation. There could be innocent bystanders in your line of fire, sometimes innocent bystanders may look suspicious or make sudden unexpected moves.

From what I observed, you either killed, one or more, innocent bystanders, you missed and were killed, or you froze for a fraction of a second too long, and were killed yourself. This exercise only demonstrated that some peoples misguided belief systems, that include placing more guns into the mix, will somehow prevent these type tragedies. Just the opposite is actually true, It will ultimately contribute to more deaths, and more bloodshed. There are many, many, studies, done by people who know what they are talking about, that supports my position.

Another thing I learned was, a lot of the things we believe to be true are not. Here’s an example, if a person has a gun, Law Enforcement has to identify themselves. We have all heard, and seen, on TV, how the FBI, or any Law Enforcement agent, will yell something like “FBI, DROP THE WEAPON!, if the perpetrator doe’s not drop the gun, in like one second, they will shoot you. I have seen many times, where someone will try to make the case that Law Enforcement, did not give the perpetrator enough time to surrender, and they killed them in cold blood.

Let me tell you that this is absolutely, f–king bulls–t. I witnessed first hand, how a person with a gun could swing it towards you, and fire, before you could even register that they had moved. This was true, even when you had your gun pointed right at the bad guy. This scenario gives anyone, including highly trained, FBI Special Agents about a 65-70% chance of getting killed. Keep in mind that these are highly trained, and skilled, individuals, who practice exactly this type of scenario, all the time.

We also got to go to the firing range, and see a demonstration, of the FBI SWAT Team, and we also got to fire several of The FBI’s weapons, including their standard, 40 caliber service weapons, as well as firing the FBI’s, M-4 Assault rifles. Let me tell you, at only 15 yards, these men, and women, of the FBI, can out shoot you, and precision hit a target, all while maintaining a cool, calm, and collected demeanor.

My point is, no matter how much you think you may be prepared, or how smart you think you are, You are far less prepared, then you might convince yourself, that you think you are. It is insane to believe that a bunch of half-cocked. half wits, with guns, are going to make us safer, just the opposite is actually true.

Lets just take a look at the type of people who have carried out these type of horrendous mass shootings in recent times, starting with the Columbine High School shootings in 1999, through the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings in 2012. What is the common denominator? These deranged individuals carried out these horrendous attacks very methodically, and had no intention of coming out alive. This was not only a mass murder plot, but a suicide pact as well. These deranged individuals showed no emotion, no fear, no remorse, and no revulsion, regarding the carnage, loss of life, and pain, they were inflicting upon other innocent human beings.

Let’s not forget that Columbine High School had, not one but two, armed guards on campus at the time and were unable to stop the carnage. These mass murderers are not normal people like the kind who may attempt to rob a liquor store, or other easy target. These mass murderers carried out these attacks in a very short period of time, and caused lot’s of casualties. These deranged individuals had no regard for their own life, or anyone else around them. These attacks on innocent children, using high caliber, high powered, military style weapons lasted only 2-5 minutes. These deranged assailants were able to fire dozens of rounds, before they took their own lives.

So, the very idea of arming school custodians as a first line of defense against a deranged killer, and active shooter, is totally absurd. The entire event would most likely be over before these newly armed custodians could even arrive upon the scene.

Just imagine the chaos, people running around, people screaming, with an active shooter in their midst. You have a very scared school janitor armed with a handgun trying to figure out what to do, who to shoot at, or not shoot at, all while trying to find out where the shooter may be. This also presents other problems when Law Enforcement arrives on the scene. There is a very good chance that the school janitor may be mistaken for the active shooter, and very likely be killed by mistake.

Another issue that these idiotic School Board members overlooked when making this ludicrous decision, is in recent times the killers were wearing tactical body armor. The very idea that this poor scared, and frightened, school custodian is going to go up against a mad man with a high powered, high capacity, assault weapon, and manage to hit a small unprotected part of the shooter before the shooter kills him, is f–king insane. How many times have we read where some Police Officers, fired dozens of rounds, before they managed to kill the suspect? Now just imagine this happening inside of a school, with children present, in full chaos.

Arming school janitors is not the answer to protect our children from school violence. Arming the teachers or principals is not the answer either. Keeping these weapons out of the mentally unstable is the right way to prevent violence against children in our schools.

Here’s a good one for you. I actually read a while back where someone actually advocated that children be taught to rush the shooter. Seriously? Are you f–king kidding me? Rush the shooter? How about running away, or hiding? This is obviously a better opportunity for survival then running towards the shooter.

Don’t get me wrong, I support the second amendment. However, I don’t support the notion that civilians have the right to possess high powered, high capacity, military grade assault weapons. I have a question for all those out there who tout their right to own these military type weapons, under the second amendment. The founding fathers granted the right to keep and bear arms, that’s a given. However, the only type of advanced weapons available during the founding of this nation, were muskets. So essentially, you were given the right to keep and bear muskets.

So where is it written that you have the right to possess modern high powered, high capacity, military assault rifles? Here’s a thought, what if the only weapon you could legally own is a musket, you couldn’t have a mass shooting. If you are really, really, skilled with a musket, you could reload one, in about 10-15 seconds. Essentially, you could fire a shot only once every 15 seconds. To carry out a massacre, you would need like 50 people.

In reality, I believe that civilians do not need high capacity ammo magazines, we do not need high powered military assault rifles, and we do not need tactical body armor. Due to contrary belief the NRA doe’s not represent gun owners, the NRA represent the 12.5 billion dollar a year, gun manufacturers. Think about it.

All guns should be registered like a car, so we can insure that mentally unstable individuals, or felons cannot possess them. This doe’s not infringe upon our rights, it actually enforces them. Anyone who spouts off, how we need these high capacity, high power military assault weapons so we can protect ourselves from the Government is insane. Since when does this type thinking ever end well? If you are so afraid of the Government, then maybe, you should consider moving somewhere else. However, you are going to find very few options, where you can find a country with more liberal gun laws then the United States.

If we really want to keep our children safe in schools, how about placing an armed guard (law enforcement) outside the entrance to the school, as a deterrent? How about replacing the classroom doors with solid oak fire doors, with deadbolts? How about placing wireless cameras in the hallways, and common areas, that could be accessed by law enforcement at will? How about regularly practicing locking down the school?

There is a lot of technology that could be brought to bear. We need to have a sensible discussion, as a nation, as to the best available options, to keep our children safe.Arming school janitors, principals, teachers, etc. is not the answer to keep our children safe, on the contrary, it will only increase the dangers we already face. Stop being a political pawn, stop being a half-wit, believing everything you see, or hear, from some of the talking heads with obvious political agendas.

Start thinking like an American with common goals, start thinking like a parent, start thinking like a caring human being, start thinking like you are part of humanity, only then will the answers start to become clear. Now is the time to have an honest discussion, as a nation, and deal with this issue decisively, once and for all.

If I have to sacrifice something to prevent another tragedy where twenty, 5  and 6 year old children, and six of their teachers, and administrators, were killed, in a public school, then I am willing to make that sacrifice, and so should you. This madness has to stop, and it has to stop, right now!

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted. If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.

PARANORMAL THEFT Woman Accuses Ghost Of Stealing Her Resume

PARANORMAL THEFT: Woman Accuses Ghost Of Stealing Her Resume?  I actually sympathize with this woman. I have seen a lot of s–t in my life, and some of it has been very weird indeed. I have always said that I could live with a ghost. However, I cannot deal with some invisible specter, either touching me, or stealing my stuff.  Taking my resume would definitely qualify as stealing my stuff.

Of course, this brings up the obvious question, why would a ghost steal her resume? What would a ghost need a resume for anyway? I believe it could be that the ghost wants to see where she works, so the invisible thief can haunt her at work, as well as home. Or it could be that this woman just misplaced it and blamed her short term memory loss on her ghost. Naaa, it must be the ghost.

I have some ghost stories, some unexplained paranormal phenomenon, if you prefer. First of all, let me start by saying, that I do not attribute ghosts as being dead people, evil minions of Satan, a sign from God, or whatever. As far as I know, a ghost could be from another dimension that is close to ours, a parallel universe,  or something else entirely.

A ghost could be a dead persons echo or maybe the conscious lives on after death, I have no idea. I do however know that of the basic laws of physics states, that energy cannot be destroyed. Basically, a living thing is composed of ordered patterns of electrical energy all the way down to the atomic level. If a living thing dies this energy does not disappear, it keeps existing, dispersing through the universe.  Anyway, my point is, I have no way of knowing for sure, so I do not put any more emphasis on one theory, over another. It is what it is, and I have no way of knowing for sure.

The one thing I am sure of is paranormal phenomenon are not audible or visual hallucinations, at least not for me. In one of my unusual experiences, had a witness, who also saw the entire thing. Let me tell you all about it.

When my sister and I, were much younger, I don’t mean really young kid’s, I mean, we were  aged something like, between 8 and 13 years old. We lived in sunny Southern California.

We lived in one of those typical 3 bedroom, stucco, tract homes. You know the kind I mean. Anyway, My sister and I were sitting on the steps outside the back door of the house leading into the backyard. Our back yard was one of those typical tract home sized backyards, and it was a nice warm early evening. Me and my sister, were having an ice creme cone, soda, or something like that, I can’t remember exactly. So, we were sitting on the steps, in the early evening, doing whatever, when suddenly, we both saw something unexplained.

From the back of the backyard, on top the wooden stockade fence, we both saw a ghostly cat. Yes, a cat, a typical house cat, to be exact. Now this cat was obviously not a typical cat, as we know it. Imagine an exact image of a typical cat, except this cat was composed of something that was not a solid material. This cat looked like a cat composed entirely of smoke or fog. You could easily determine it was a cat, except this was not a solid regular breathing cat. Do you know what I mean?

This cat, whom we both watched, absolutely fascinated, and transfixed both of us. This specter started walking across the top of the fence from left to right, at a leisurely, regular cat, walking speed.  We are only talking about a distance of 25 feet or so, and the entire backyard was illuminated by the flood lights, mounted on the side of the garage. The memorable thing was we weren’t even scared while it was happening, it was more fascinating then scary, at least the few seconds while it was happening. The spectral cat walked all the way across the yard on top of the fence, and even stopped a few feet from the garage. My sister and me, both looked at each, other for confirmation that this was actually happening.

When we looked back towards the backyard, the spectral cat was still there. The cat started walking across the fence again, and kept going, until it got to the area behind the garage, and disappeared from our point of view. This then got way too freaky, and we both, high-tailed it into the house.

The funny thing is we had a black & white cat, Boots, who died, sometime before this incident. Boots, the cat, used to walk across the top of the fence like that. We both assumed that the spectral image was the ghost of Boots. Obviously, I have no way of knowing for sure, it could be any cat, for all I know. After all, walking across the top of a stockade fence, is certainly not an unusual activity, for any domestic cat.

I have had several interesting experiences after this incident, including hearing foot steps, doors closing unexpectedly, and seeing spectral images of people.  You know the usual stuff. However, I have never, ever, had any sort of spectral image, or paranormal phenomena touch me, as that would just be too creepy, or take any of my possessions. I am of the age where life is hectic sometimes, that I prefer to believe that I just assume that I misplaced it. This is usually the typical case, as I find said misplaced item later, almost always, when I am not actually looking for it. If this is not happening to you now, it will later in life, trust me.

The more I think about it, this poor woman, who told the cops, that a ghost pilfered her resume was most likely mistaken. She probably can’t face fact that she just misplaced it, and was too embarrassed to admit it. The dead giveaway (no pun intended) for me was, she had to place a value on her resume for the cops.

For those of you who don’t know, if something is stolen from you, and you call the Police, you have to base an estimate of value, for each item stolen. This woman valued her stolen resume, printed on regular paper mind you, at $5,000.00 dollars. That’s right, $5,000.00 for a resume, that you could just print out another copy at anytime. $5,000.00 f–king dollars, for a resume that was not printed on, jewel encrusted, gold leaf parchment, having been transcribed by Italian Monks, in a monastery, that can only be reached, by small boat, two and a half months of the year.

I wouldn’t pay $5,000.00, for the double super-secret, resume of one of the most secretive CEO’s of big business, anywhere in the world. That’s five thousand United States Dollars, for 2 or 3 pieces of standard white office paper, printed in black ink. There has to be another digital backup copy somewhere. Unless this was hand written, and illustrated, by the late Salvador Dali, or hand illustrated, by monks, this resume of her’s, has virtually no monetary value. Hell, I would even be willing to send her $3.00 cash, so she could have another copy printed, at the most expensive print shop in her town, or city, anywhere in the USA.

$5,000.00, Yeah right! I think she should have thought of something else, something that we could actually believe. Too bad, the damage is already done.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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