PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Woman Afraid To Leave House After Ferret Attack…  My God!  This is truly horrifying. I never, ever, liked or trusted those beady eyed, smelly animals at all. I am not even sure that I would trust anyone who would harbor these little monsters. Some people say these little monsters are pets and nothing more. Do not be fooled my friends, these animals are not pets, they are demons in disguise. Demons who smell bad at that.

 Ferret

I am not at all surprised at all that this happened.  This was not a matter of, if it would happen, it was merely a matter of when. So, in this story, an elderly woman in the UK was rolling down a sidewalk, in her power chair, right near her house.

Suddenly, in broad daylight, a demon ferret came out of nowhere and savagely attached itself to her ankle biting her. She actually had to beat the little demon off with her cane. Not surprisingly it attacked her again. Once again this brave elderly woman fought off the little demon, and finally the ferret ran off. Mind you this was in broad daylight at about 11:00 AM.

I have heard all the arguments from those poor delusional people who choose to keep these little monsters. They claim that the beady eyed little demons are cuddly, funny and very entertaining. Entertaining my a$s.

I have even heard some of these delusional owners compare their pet monster rodents to dogs. Seriously??  Some ferret owners stupidly try to compare their little monsters to common house cats. Don’t even get me started on cats! At least as long as you feed your cat, and regularly clean your cat’s litter box , you and your cat will live happily in a kind of cold war dé·tente.

Listen to me when I tell you, these little beady eyed demon ferret monsters are only watching us, and learning our ways. They are doing nothing more than biding their time, and waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Now, as we can clearly see, the terror has already begun.

I know exactly what you are thinking. Dogs do the same thing, always watching you, observing you, even when they are pretending to be asleep. Well, I can assure you this is entirely different. I can say this with some authority, as I consider myself to be somewhat of an amateur expert on the psychology of dogs.

Lets do a little side by side comparison between Dog’s and Ferret’s shall we….

Dogs, it is believed have been with mankind since early man. Dogs evolved from wolves, these early dogs used to hang around the edges of human encampments waiting for the opportunity to steal scraps of food, or occasionally snatch a small child. I would imagine that the first wolf to warn the tribe of impending danger was rewarded with food, and not immediately killed and eaten.

Have you ever heard of a watch ferret? I think not. It is believed that Ferrets are descended from Polecats. I  can assure you that if a polecat hung around the encampment he would not only be dinner, but he would be added to the people’s clothing, or shoes, or whatever

Dogs have learned to bond with humans like no other animal. Dogs watch your every move from the moment they first open their eyes. They have learned to read human emotions, and especially body language. Dogs understand several words of human language, and express emotions and obviously know some right from wrong. There is even some evidence that dogs have a rudimentary sense of situational humor.

Have you ever seen any kind of emotion out of a ferret except for pure evil?

Dogs have also learned to get exactly what they want from people, as the title of an article on dog psychology I once read indicated “Dogs are the Greatest Charlatans on the Planet” this is absolutely true.

Certainly dogs offer unconditional love and loyalty to their human companions. But, this is not a one-sided deal, dog’s want something in return. Here’s a good example to illustrate my point. You come home from work and your dog is ecstatic. Your dog wags it’s tail uncontrollably, and insists on licking you because it figures you like it. Your dog licks you, and you right away pet your dog, and talk nicely to it. But, the dog will also lick you when you pick it up because it wants you to put it down,, your dog is hungry and it wants you to feed it, so it licks you, and runs to its food bowl, your dog wants out, yes, you got it, it licks you, then runs to the door. There are a million of other examples, but I think you get the idea.

Would you even want your ferret licking you? If it did, it is most likely just studying where your jugular vein is located, or imagining what human flesh tastes like.

Dogs have also learned to use humans as tools to get what it\they want. Yes, it’s true. Have you ever noticed that if your dogs favorite ball or whatever ends up under the couch, and your dog cannot reach it after trying every angle itself, what does it do next? Yep! your dog will get its human tool to get it for him. I know, our dog Homer, (a Rat terrier-wiener dog mix) will look under the couch, wag his tail and bark, Homer will check every side of the couch to see if there is anyway he can reach it. Only then will Homer run to me and bark, and run back to looking under the couch again, and bark.

Homer will actually do this several times until I finally surrender and get up. I know exactly what he wants. He is basically telling me to get up, and get the damn ball. So, I get up and get down on the floor, and look under the couch, Homer will look under the couch right next to me (and yes, even lick me, to encourage me to get the ball already) I reach under the couch, grab the ball, pull it out, and Homer grabs the ball  from my hand, and merrily goes on his way playing with his ball.

Have you ever had your demon ferret do anything like this, so you would get it’s toy? I think not.

Did you know that dogs are so socialized to humans that they are one of only a couple of animal species, that if you point to something, the dog doe’s not look at your hand, it looks to what you’re pointing to. Primates don’t even have this ability, but dolphin’s do. You should try it sometime.

Don’t even try this with your ferret because it will not work.

Now, that I have definitively shown you that these demon ferrets are not pets, like dogs. If you have a ferret, get a dog. At least the dog will guard you from the ferret, especially when your sleeping.

Important Safety Tip: Always carry a cane or walking stick when your outside to protect yourself from marauding bands of demon ferrets, or just take your dog with you, as I can assure you that the dog will always have your back.

On a side note: Homer practices virtually every single day for when the time comes (and it will) that the marauding ferret monsters finally arrive. Homer practices for this by chasing squirrels, several times a day, every day. You see, Homer hates squirrels almost as much as he hates those smelly demon ferrets. Good dog Homer, Good dog!

With my trusted dog,  Homer. I am never, ever, afraid to leave my house.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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