Thieves Steal Dog And Human Ashes, Snort Them. You got it. This is yet another, in a long line of absurd stories, from the Great Absurd State of Florida. This seems to be a regular occurrence. I am not even remotely surprised anymore. As a matter of fact, as the old saying goes, I used to be disgusted, now I’m just amused.So, these three balloon heads break into a home and steal various items, including the three urns containing the cremated ashes of a human, and two dogs. Except for stealing the urns of ashes, this was a pretty typical home burglary. That is until, these idiots were caught, as is often the case, once the Police are hot on the trail.The Police quickly solved the case and recovered all the stolen items taken, except for the urns of cremated remains. The Police interrogated the three desperado’s as to the location of the three urns of cremated remains. Of course, all three cracked under the pressure. You will never, ever, guess what happened to the ashes of the woman’s father, and two dogs.
Give up yet? Well, It turns the Police would not be able to recover all of the cremated remains of the woman’s father, as well as her two beloved dogs, because these three bizarro crooks, SNORTED THE CREMATED REMAINS, Yes, like up their nose’s. You heard me correctly. Yes, they actually snorted the ashes. I could’nt have made this stuff up, no matter how hard I tried. I would have figured that this was so far into left field, that virtually no one would have believed me.
Even though, I haven’t personally done any drugs since the days of my youth, I still have an opinion as to why this was totally, and absolutely absurd. Snorting cremated remains, Seriously? This is something anybody would actually consider? Is this some new fad that I am totally unaware of? Thank God, I didn’t know about this when I was growing up.
As I understand it, here’s how things played out. These three boneheads opened the urns, and discovered the cremated remains. Most people believe that cremated remains are just ashes. Well, cremated remains are not ashes in the truest sense of the word. Cremated remains are mostly dry calcium phosphates with some minor minerals, such as salts of sodium and potassium. Sulfur and most carbon, are driven off as oxidized gases during the process, although a relatively small amount of carbon may remain as carbonate. The color is often described as that of dry bone.
I bet you are really impressed that I know so much about cremated remains. Your probably thinking to yourself right now, that; Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, is a pretty frigging smart man. Yes it’s true, I am, But, in this case, I looked up cremation. on Wikipedia. I was actually trying to determine the chemical composition, more on that later.There are several issues that deserve further analysis, so I am breaking them down piece by piece.
So, these three boneheads, opened the containers, and seriously thought that the cremated remains within, were actually ground up prescription pills, cocaine or heroin, and certainly not, actually cremated remains. Here’s an experiment you can try at home. Take any pill, an aspirin, vitamin, anything at all. Now grind it up. OK, How big is the pile of powder after the pill is all ground up? Pretty f–king small isn’t it? How many ground up prescription pills would it take to make four or five ounces of fine powder? I have no idea either, but it would take a lot, I’m sure of that. So why would anyone leave four or five ounces of ground up prescription pills sitting around on their fireplace mantle anyway? Maybe the homeowner was using Edgar Allen Poe’s theory, as described in “The Purloined Letter” where we found out, the best place to hide anything is right out in the open.
Next, these half wits tasted the contents. You know, everybody’s seen this done on those TV crime dramas where someone sticks their finger in some supposed narcotic, and tastes it, so they can somehow determine exactly what it is. OK, using this premise, (By the way, this is why I looked up the chemical constituents of cremated remains). I work in chemical safety, and I can assure with 100% certainty, that there are no constituents whatsoever, that could even remotely be construed, or perceived as being prescription drugs, narcotics to be more specific.
Furthermore, cyanide, birth control pills, aspirin, laundry detergent, roach powder, mortar and grout mix, and a multitude of other substances, many of them harmful or fatal, are also described as a white powder. So why would anyone in their right f–king mind taste some quantity of unknown white powder from an unmarked container? As if this wasn’t enough, then decide this would be a great idea to snort it? Once again as with many of these stories, these guys obviously do not suffer from the ravages of intelligence.
Finally, after snorting a small amount, one would assume that after not feeling some sort of narcotic effect, or even more importantly, not dying, that you would immediately determine that this unknown white powder was in fact, not actually ground up prescription pills. I would have thought that even the most desperate, determined, hardcore drug addict, would not have to snort the contents of all three containers of these cremated remains to figure this out.
I got to hand it to the Police for taking these guys off the street before they were able to graduate to more serious crimes, like smoking cow pies to get high, or stealing the white lines in the middle of the road.
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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Sarah Palin It Snowed In Alaska In May So There Is No Global Warming
By Tom Dye
On August 2, 2016
In Conspiracy Theories, Politics, Politics and Satire, Sarah Palin, Tales of the Absurd
Sarah Palin: It Snowed In Alaska In May, So There Is No Global Warming! Really? I wasn’t aware that Sarah Palin was now a Scientist.
Oh wait, before I forget, This news commentary and story is a work of satire and thus is protected speech under the first amendment of the United States Constitution.
OK, now that’s out-of-the-way. I don’t normally feel compelled to make that statement, but everyone knows how Sarah Palin loves to give her ignorant hate speeches and bizarre Facebook rants. However, If anyone says anything negative about her she sends out an army of Lawyers in an attempt to stifle any dissenting opinion.
Normally, I just ignore Sarah Palin. I mean seriously, she is like an unruly child who periodically throws a temper tantrum. Every smart parent knows when your child starts throwing a temper tantrum, you either ignore them or send them to their room. In this case Sarah Palin’s comments were so ignorant and so wildly absurd, I felt compelled to answer Sarah Palin directly. After all, I am Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, champion of all things absurd.
Dear Sarah Palin,
Evidently, over this past weekend you noticed that there was a late May snowstorm in Alaska. So being the half-wit that you are, you automatically made a giant intellectual leap (or actually it was just a little hop) and instantly determined that since there was a late snow storm in May, then obviously there is no such thing as global warming. You have a fairly long history of making absurd statements about climate change. As a matter of fact, this time you even went on to say; “Global warming my gluteus maximus”.
Sarah Palin
So Sarah, since you obviously don’t suffer from any of the ravages of intelligence, you now fancy yourself to be a qualified, Climate Scientist? Oh wait, I know you have trouble with big words so Let me spell that for you Sarah, that’s S-c-i-e-n-t-i-s-t you know those really smart people who have advanced degrees, superior intellects and come up with new ideas and theories that advance all of mankind.
So, now you’re an expert on climate change, You Betcha! Well, I guess you have to do something to make a living now that FOX Fake NEWS doesn’t want to hear from you anymore either. And, your stupid TV reality show, lasted exactly one season before it was cancelled.
Well, personally I like to get my information from trusted authoritative sources. That being said, let’s just take a look at your record of accomplishments so far shall we?
First of all, you went to like three or four minor universities, so you could just squeak by and get a degree in journalism. This fact is actually astounding to me as your apparent grasp of the English language, both written and spoken is frankly shockingly limited.
During the 2008 election cycle you once famously asked, what’s the difference between a pit-bull and a soccer mom? You smugly answered, it’s lipstick. In you’re case, the real answer is it is in reality, a pit-bull has a better grasp of the English language and exhibits far superior problem solving skills.
Also, Sarah as a failed Governor of Alaska, you only served out half of your four-year term and resigned because it was “too stressful”. Really? Did you even know that Alaska is the most sparsely populated State in the entire nation? That’s right, Alaska ranks, 50th out of 50 states. How f–king stressful could that be?
Next, Sen. John McCain in one of the biggest political blunders in modern history picked you of all people to be his running mate for Vice President of the United States. My God! If you bobble-heads had actually won, this country would have been flushed right down the toilet. Talk about the blind leading the deaf. What, would you have quit that job as well when it got too stressful?
Here’s an interesting fact. I know for certain that when you debated the well-known 35 year Senator from Delaware (Now Vice President) Joseph Biden, you came out on stage and famously asked if you could just call him Joe. Do you remember that? Well the reason you had to do that was because during your debate practice sessions, in which you were already a walking intellectually challenged train wreck, you kept referring to Senator Biden, as Senator O’Biden.
Of course, we can’t forget the famous TV interview with Katie Couric. Remember the one in which Katie Couric asked you which newspapers you read daily. Sarah, Sarah, really? you couldn’t name not even one newspaper, not a single one.
You later appeared on Fox fake News and ranted about “Gotcha” journalism by the lame stream media. Gotcha journalism? Just because they asked you what newspapers you read? For God’s sake, you couldn’t get a more slow pitch softball question then that, except for maybe; What’s your favorite color?
Don’t worry, Sarah you don’t have to answer that, because I really don’t f–king want to know or care what your favorite color is. It’s just an analogy. Simply speaking, it was a simple f–king question. For God’s sake you could have just made up what newspapers you read. Who would ever know anyway?
So, Sarah, now that you’re a Climate Scientist, permit me to educate you on some of your absurd misconceptions, not all of your erroneous statements, that would take way too long and this is not a novel. So, we will confine the discussion to just climate change.
First of all, let me start by saying I am mildly impressed that you even know what a gluteus maximus is, or maybe you don’t, but at least it was spelled right. Thank God, for spell check.
Since you’re one of the very few climate change deniers left, you always seem confused by the terms “weather” and “Climate”. So let’s start with the basics.
Weather – is the state of the atmosphere, to the degree that it is hot or cold, wet or dry, calm or stormy, clear or cloudy. Most weather phenomena occur in the troposphere, just below the stratosphere. Weather generally refers to day-to-day temperature and precipitation activity.
Climate – encompasses the statistics of temperature, humidity, atmospheric pressure, wind, precipitation, atmospheric particle count and other meteorological elemental measurements in a given region over long periods.
Sorry, for all the big words Sarah, maybe you can get one of your children to explain them to you.
So, as you can see just because there was a late snow in May in Alaska, it has nothing to do with climate change. Or your incorrect use of the term, “Global Warming”.
One of the major indicators of climate change is the CO2 levels (that’s carbon dioxide) one of the four primary gasses that make up earth’s atmosphere has increased by 35% since the industrial revolution began just over 200 years ago.
That’s a 35% increase in just over 200 years. Now, that’s a pretty sobering statistic. Oh, by the way Sarah, in case you didn’t know the other three primary gasses that make up the majority of Earth’s atmosphere include: Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Argon. Plus there are very small amounts of other gasses as well.
Here’s some other compelling facts to consider:
(Just so you know Sarah, the following facts came from the really smart Scientists at NASA. That’s the acronym for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.)
Sea level rise
Global sea level rose about 17 centimeters (6.7 inches) in the last century. The rate in the last decade, however, is nearly double that of the last century.
Global temperature rise
All three major global surface temperature reconstructions show that Earth has warmed since 1880. Most of this warming has occurred since the 1970s, with the 20 warmest years having occurred since 1981 and with all 10 of the warmest years occurring in the past 12 years. Even though the 2000s witnessed a solar output decline resulting in an unusually deep solar minimum in 2007-2009, surface temperatures continue to increase.
Warming oceans
The oceans have absorbed much of this increased heat, with the top 700 meters (about 2,300 feet) of ocean showing warming of 0.302 degrees Fahrenheit since 1969.
Shrinking ice sheets
The Greenland and Antarctic ice sheets have decreased in mass. Data from NASA’s Gravity Recovery and Climate Experiment show Greenland lost 150 to 250 cubic kilometers (36 to 60 cubic miles) of ice per year between 2002 and 2006, while Antarctica lost about 152 cubic kilometers (36 cubic miles) of ice between 2002 and 2005.
Declining Arctic sea ice
Both the extent and thickness of Arctic sea ice has declined rapidly over the last several decades.
Glacial retreat
Glaciers are retreating almost everywhere around the world — including in the Alps, Himalayas, Andes, Rockies, Alaska and Africa.
Extreme events
The number of record high temperature events in the United States has been increasing, while the number of record low temperature events has been decreasing, since 1950. The U.S. has also witnessed increasing numbers of intense rainfall events.
Ocean acidification
Since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, the acidity of surface ocean waters has increased by about 30 percent. This increase is the result of humans emitting more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and hence more being absorbed into the oceans. The amount of carbon dioxide absorbed by the upper layer of the oceans is increasing by about 2 billion tons per year.
OK, Sarah, I ‘m going to stop now, as I am certain that you won’t understand any of the scientific data anyway, besides having to look up dozens of big words in the dictionary is really, really, time-consuming.
Of course, Sarah, as usual, your timing for your absurd Facebook post could have not been more ill-timed. That following Monday a very rare F-5 Tornado touched down in Morris, Oklahoma.
Morris, OK
Here’s an idea Sarah, maybe you should ask the good people in Morris, OK, what they feel about climate change. Or maybe the good people of Joplin, Mo, New Orleans, LA, NY, York, NY, and New Jersey.
Considering, you say that you can see Russia from your house, why don’t you ask the Russians what they feel about climate change? I am pretty certain you will not get kind of confirmation of your absurd beliefs.
More then likely you will hear something like this: Лучше, чтобы сохранить ваши моли закрыты, и есть люди, подозреваю, что ты дурак, а затем открыть его и люди знали наверняка. Иди в свою комнату, Сара Пэйлин.
Loosely translated this means: It is better to keep your moth shut and have people suspect that you are a fool, then to open it and have people know for sure. Go to your room, Sarah Palin.
Maybe, just maybe, you still have time to redeem yourself and use your rapidly shrinking platform to inform and educate, instead of spewing hate and ignorance.
I sincerely doubt you have it in you, I am always an optimist, so who knows.
Also, in closing, If we were to ever have a televised debate on stage, you may not under any circumstances, just call me “Tom”. Because……..
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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