August 2016 - Page 14 of 19 - PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Month: August 2016 Page 14 of 19

Shoe Salesman Tries To Cut Off Girlfriend’s Toe For Third Time! I don’t know who is more of an idiot, the malicious shoe salesman or the girlfriend. I’m kind of surprised. Usually, when something this absurd appears in the news, the incident most likely happened in the great weird State of Florida. Not this time, my friends, this happened in the State of New Mexico.

Seriously, I have this aversion to people trying to cut off any of my body parts. I think I most likely need them, so I intend to keep what I have until I decide otherwise. Now, if my spouse ever attempted to cut off one of my big toes (or any other body part for that matter) she wouldn’t get a chance to try it again.

This couple was together when the deranged big toe cutting salesman attempted this sadistic stunt, not once, but TWICE… Evidently, his dumba-s girlfriend didn’t learn after the first attempt. Like I said previously, who’s the most idiotic of the pair?

What possible gain could a shoe salesman have for cutting off his girlfriends big toe for anyway? wouldn’t this sort of cut into his potential client base? Maybe his girlfriend had an unusually large big toe and none of the Manolo Blahnik’s or Gucci shoes would fit over her freakishly large big toe. This guy may have only been trying to do some home plastic reconstructive surgery. Hey it’s possible. Or God forbid, he was practicing to be a Podiatrist. It is quite possible that her foot looked something like this…..

Actually, I can more relate to the girlfriends point of view, she has probably grown attached to her big toe, no matter how freakishly large or deformed it may be. She may not even care that she is unable to wear Manolo Blahnik’s or Gucci shoes anyway. Besides the fact, this ex-boyfriend of her’s was attempting to cut it off with a cigar cutter, with no anesthetic, may have played a large part in her decision.

This deranged shoe salesman is truly f–ked up. Do you guys know what a cigar cutter looks like? It looks sort of like a hand held guillotine. Obviously, this guy is well on the way to becoming a serial killer. Serial killers always start small. First, its big toes and the next thing you know, – it’s fingers, arms, legs, and even heads. On the third attempt on his now ex-girlfriends big toe, he actually stalked her to her new home in another city, where she and her freakishly large big toe were currently living incognito.

By this time the stupid ex-girlfriend had finally obtained a restraining order against the big toe obsessed ex-boyfriend. Did you ever notice how deranged killers, or would be deranges big toe cutters, seem to ignore those official papers ordering them to stay away from that particular person. Evidently, a restraining order doe’s not convey any special sort of powers that keeps the bearer inside some sort of protective bubble safe from all possible harm.

Obviously, this deranged shoe salesman’s understanding of the old adage, “If the shoe fits, wear it” was all wrong. Somewhere along the way it became twisted in his mind. There is nothing in this old saying stating that you’re supposed to “surgically modify” a person’s feet to make a particular shoe fit. This just goes to show how far this shoe salesman had fallen into madness.

This time the ex-girlfriend was prepared. For protection she was carrying a steel fork with her at all times. Yes, your typical, run-of-the-mill, stainless steel dinner fork. When the deranged toe cutting shoe salesman showed up at her door and attacked her, she immediately fought back with the dinner fork and escaped. The deranged salesman was forked now, and this was going to be the end of the line for the deranged serial big toe cutting shoe salesman.

It didn’t take the Cop’s long to locate the deranged shoe salesman. You see, after he returned back home he had to seek emergency medical treatment for his fork wounds. The Cops immediately arrested him. The deranged shoe salesman should have known that the other shoe would drop sooner or later.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One

By Tom Dye

On August 8, 2016

In Indecent exposure, Tales of the Absurd

Things You Can’t Do Naked: Assault A 7-11 Clerk. Assaulting a 7-11 clerk seems like one of the obvious things, that you can’t do naked. You should not be assaulting 7-11 clerks, fully clothed either. Trust me, Law Enforcement frowns upon this type activity, naked or not.

There is way too many of these naked antics in the NEWS, on a seemingly regular basis, It occurs to me that we need to have a remedial lesson on; Things You Can’t Do Naked. Hopefully, this handy guide will help prevent future tragedies.

How many times do I have to say it, doing the same thing, over and over, and over, and then expecting different results, is the very definition of insanity. Naked people seem to never learn.

You may want to get a pen and paper for this one, as you may want to take notes.

Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One

WELDING AND GRINDING

Important safety tip: For this activity, “Always wear safety glasses” Have you ever used a grinder on a metal object? or used a cutting torch? If not, you must have seen it done either on television or even in person. You would know that this particular activity throws off a tremendous amount of red hot sparks, and red hot metal fragments.

These red hot sparks and metal fragments are thrown off at speeds of several hundred miles per hour.

Let me tell you, this is one activity that you never, ever, want to do naked. Can you imagine red hot sparks or metal fragments landing on, embedding into, and burning your wanker, or breasts, or whatever? Go ahead imagine it. This is not something you want to experience, now, or ever. Just imagining explaining these burns, and injuries to your partner, or Emergency Room Physician.

SLIDING INTO HOME PLATE

Examine this image closely. Do I even need to go into what would happen if you tried this naked? I wouldn’t even want to try this with clothes on. Can you imagine your genitals getting the worlds worst case of road rash? Hell, You may even scrape the entire thing off, genitals, nipples, skin, etc. Not to mention how are you going to get all that dirt out of all the nooks and cranny’s.

There are other sports as well, that could pose serious health issues or injuries,
if played naked.

BEE KEEPING

Here’s something, that I suppose might be OK to do naked, if you were a highly trained professional, and knew exactly what you were doing.

Important Safety Tip: Do not try this at home.

Bees are perfectly docile and can be handled quite easily, if you know exactly what you are doing.

As you can see this beekeeper is safely handling a large quantity of bees. This beekeeper is removing a large hive located in the tree to another location. Notice the bees seem to be very calm. The beekeeper is wearing a special suit. Somehow, this special suit seems to calm the bees, and prevent them from swarming and stinging. Maybe it;s the really large hood that fools them.

This is what happens when you try this naked.

COOKING FRIED FOODS

Important Safety Tip: Fried foods are not good for you and should be avoided as much as possible.

OK, I am not here to comment on your diet, to each their own. But trust me there is real danger when you heat oil to very high temperatures, and add meat to it. It does not have to be chicken, it could be anything.

Don’t worry, I have some tips for safe naked cooking.

I know, I know, some of you may like to cook naked, for your spouse, or girlfriend, or they may like doing the same for you. This is usually a prelude to a really great evening, if you know what I mean. There is virtually nothing wrong with this naked fun activity. However, you need to seriously consider not cooking anything that involves boiling hot oil. Baked, grilled, boiled, etc. are a much better option.

Have you ever cooked fried chicken? Have you ever been splattered with one or more of those microscopic drops of boiling oil? Well, you know how much that smarts. Now imagine, if you were to splatter, or spill hot boiling oil, on one of the more sensitive parts of the male or female anatomy? I believe that this would make for a “hands off” type situation, for at least a couple of weeks, or more. Think about it.

SHOWING UP IN COURT

Important Safety Tip: Never, ever, show up in court naked.
No matter how flimsy the evidence against you, no matter how many witnesses you have to speak of your good charter, or to provide an alibi for you, if you show up naked, all bets are off. Trust me on this one.

The Judge will not be amused, and he will throw the book at you.
The jury will think that if your crazy or stupid enough to pull a stunt like this, then whatever you are accused of, no matter what the evidence against you, you must have did the crime as well.

MEN SNORKELING

Men snorkeling with sharks, dolphins or large fish.
I don’t care how big you believe your wanker to be, sharks, dolphins or large fish, are only going to view your “appendage” as their normal food supply, bait fish.

I don’t need to go into graphic detail as to what would happen if one of these marine animals thought your little Johnson looked like dinner, and decided to take a bite.

Have you ever seen the set of teeth on sharks, dolphins or barracudas? Think about it.

There are lots of other activities as well. Football, Soccer, Rugby, juggling with fire, or knives, and much, much, more. These will be discussed in much more detail in future editions of “Things You Can’t Do Naked”

Do you know of an activity, that you can’t or shouldn’t do naked? By all means leave a comment below. Be sure to include your first name, State, or Country where you live, and include your one to six word description, of the thing or activity, that you can’t do naked. I will create the rest of the story, and include it in Part Two, of “Things You Can’t Do Naked”. Don’t be shy, lets hear some of your ideas.

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

By Tom Dye

On August 7, 2016

In Religion, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God. A 29-year-old woman claiming to be God was arrested after torching her car at a Florida gas station. Seriously, when you just read this headline were you even remotely surprised that this absurd incident happened in the great weird State of Florida?

If you have been reading past stories in Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd, you will certainly know by now that the State of Florida has by far the highest ratio of absurd events per capita than anywhere else on the entire planet. I actually really enjoy living in Florida, talk about inspiration.

I am pretty certain that Christians waiting for God to return to this earth, this was definitely not how they envisioned it happening.

A 29-year-old woman, in Daytona Beach, Florida, pulled up to a gas station/ convenience store, sprayed the outside of the car with a liberal amount of gasoline and ran into the store and grabbed a disposable lighter. Nothing unusual so far right? Petty theft is certainly not uncommon, but a woman muttering “I have got to get out of here” and “I am God” over and over is a little bit out of the norm, even for the great weird State of Florida.

An employee at the convenience store chased down God to retrieve the pilfered disposable cigarette lighter. Evidently, even God has to pay for merchandise just like the rest of us. The clerk Gas station worker bravely fought with God to get the lighter. The brave worker managed to get back the stolen lighter, but noticed a strong smell of gasoline on her hands, so he wisely backed off. Unfortunately God grabbed another lighter and fled the store, and the next thing you know Whoosh!!! God had just torched her car. The blaze was described by one of the employees as 15 barbeques all being fired up at once. Kind of an interesting analogy, but you get the general idea.

God Torched her Scion

Another quick thinking employee shut down the pumps by activating the emergency shut-off switch, which prevented the entire gas station from blowing up.

Evidently, God doesn’t like dogs either. I know that’s hard to believe, because after all who doesn’t like dogs? A bystander noticed that God’s two dogs were in the flaming car, which was quickly becoming an inferno. The brave bystander managed to open the passenger side door and successfully rescue the two helpless animals, before they became barbecued dogs. This guy absolutely deserves a medal for bravery. I am pretty sure that the two dogs would agree with me as well.

After torching her car, God calmly walked out to the road, sat down in the middle of the road and waited for a car to hit her. God was still in the middle of the road when the police arrived on the scene some minutes later. God was taken to a mental health facility for a mental health evaluation.

As for the gas station, the station only suffered a melted pump hose from the incident. The gas station reopened right away. I am not sure if you can thank God for that small miracle, In this case I would think not.

I have big issues with this whole incident being caused by a direct intervention from God. As usual, being Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am going to analyze this entire incident using my SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess). I think I can debunk the entire God returning to earth as a petty thief, arsonist who attempted to barbecue her dogs alive and burn down the gas station theory, in pretty short order.

First things first – Would God be caught dead driving a Scion? I think not. I am pretty sure that God would have more class than that. Personally, I don’t know why a supreme being that is described as all-powerful and all-knowing, would even bother with cars. If God did need a car I would think God would choose something a little more classy such as a Jaguar, Mercedes or even a high-end BMW.

Secondly, all gas stations in Florida are either pay at the pump first with a credit or debit card. Or you have to go in and pay the cashier, prior to pumping gas. Assuming that God actually decided he/she need a car, and certainly not a Scion, why would God need money or debit cards for anyway? I seem to remember that God had a real issue with money. Remember the story about the money changers at the temple?

I would also like to talk to the credit card company that issued God a credit card. I have no idea how God could have a good credit history, drivers license, employment history or other identification. If God himself created the credit card, wouldn’t that amount to credit card fraud?

Also, why would God even need a disposable cigarette lighter for anyway? I would think that creating fire would be a fairly easy stunt for someone who created all the heavens and the earth and is all-knowing and all-powerful. I mean for all the miracles that are attributed to God, creating a small flame would be like child’s play to a supreme being. Seriously, think about it.

Also, as a dog lover myself, I cannot imagine God attempting to barbecue alive two of his/her most loyal and loving creatures. If dogs are man’s best friend, I would think that they hold a special place in God’s heart as well. I know what you are thinking, “God giveth and God taketh away”. OK, Point well taken, However, I would Imagine that God would “taketh” away in a much less cruel fashion.

Finally, as far as sitting in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit her. I believe that this would be a fairly futile act by any God. One, it would never happen and two, if it did what difference would it make. Remember that God supposedly is all-knowing and all-powerful, so what would a mere automobile do to a supreme being? Why absolutely nothing of course.

If God is all-knowing he/she would know that a car is not going to hit them anyway. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that a car did hit God while she was sitting in the middle of the road. Then wouldn’t mean that God wasn’t entirely all-knowing or all-powerful after all?

You know this particular SWAG analysis just reminded me of an old George Carlin routine from the 1970’s. So, here’s a little parting gift, a very rare video of one of George Carlin’s early performances attempting to describe God. Enjoy!

Once again the SWAG theory has led us to the inescapable conclusion that this delusional woman is not God. Evidently, this poor woman is just suffering from some sort of severe mental break with reality. We can thank God that neither the dogs or anyone at the gas station was injured in this bizarre incident.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Tom Dye
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I pointed to it, ........ and before I could get the words out of my mouth,...... "Look it's a black racer" ....... my wife, Patria, who only a fraction of a second before was right behind me...... was already long gone. The post The Great Snake Attack appeared first on PROFOUND REVELATIONS.
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I believe that organized religion puts way too much burden on people with questions like; What is my purpose? What is my calling? At least for me, Just pondering these types of questions is a really weighty endeavor, and frankly, one that I don’t need to worry about. Life is hard enough with the COVID19 […]
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PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 14 of 19

Shoe Salesman Tries To Cut Off Girlfriend’s Toe For Third Time

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Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One

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Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 14 of 19

Shoe Salesman Tries To Cut Off Girlfriend’s Toe For Third Time

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Like this:

Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One

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Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

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