PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 12 of 19

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops. Well, here we go again… Of course, this incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida, St. Augustine,  to be exact. This is not something you would expect to happen in a quaint little historic town on Florida’s East coast.

St. Augustine, Florida

St. Augustine, Florida

Here’s a guy who broke into a home, allegedly just to masturbate. This is the first time I have ever heard of such a thing. I can only assume that this half-wit has some sort of bizarre architecture fetish and feels compelled to masturbate on the inside of interesting or unique architectural structures. I am going to give this strangely bizarre fetish a name right now. Remember you heard it here first, from Tom Dye, the Safety Guy.

OK, you ready? Drum roll please…………….

The official term for this strange mental disorder, shall now and forever be called: Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome (AAAS).

Our AAAS sufferer, Jason Lee Vickery, 23 as he was identified by Law Enforcement is definitely someone you should be on the lookout for. Certainly don’t let your daughter date this guy. All you young mother’s out there, if you see this guy walking down the street, move the other side of the street and shield your children’s eyes. And for God’s sake do not, ever, under any circumstances, shake this dudes hand. Study this picture really, really, well.  Better yet, print it out and paste it on the ol’ refrigerator.

 

Jason Lee Vickery

Jason Lee Vickery

 

Oh, but it gets even better my friends, just as our AAAS sufferer, Jason,  was about to get down to the deed, he was distracted by a toy remote-controlled helicopter that just happened to be lying around nearby. The helicopter was green. I have no idea if the color green had anything to do with his actions or not, I am just reporting the facts. This dumb–s was so fascinated by the green toy helicopter that he actually rummaged around until he found the remote-controlled helicopter’s batteries so he could take it for a spin around the inside of the house.

 

Remote Controlled Helicopter

Remote Controlled Helicopter

 

I do have to admit, this little jewel does look like it would be a blast to fly around the house.  But, I digress, let’s get back to our story.

After buzzing the green remote-controlled helicopter around the house for a while, this half-wit then proceeded to see if he could be even more off the wall. After tiring of playing with the little green helicopter, Jason our AAAS sufferer, pulled out a green salad that he just happened to have with him and proceeded to eat it.

Remember what I said before about the color green? First, he was distracted from masturbating by a “green” radio controlled helicopter, then he was distracted by a “green” salad, that he just happened to have with him. What the hell! How many f–ktards carry around a green salad in their pockets anyway?

This brings up a really interesting point, is there something about the color green that sets off,  Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome sufferers? Doe’s the color green somehow cause AAAS suffers to compulsively act on their bizarre Architecturbation fantasies? Someone should seriously be studying this. If evidence proves decisively that this is true, then maybe the cure could be as simple as AAAS sufferers wearing special glasses that filter out the color green. We will just have to wait to see what the Scientist’s come up with.

After finishing his delicious green salad, that Jason just happened to have with him, in his pocket, this obsessed half-wit AAAS sufferer made his way to a second floor bathroom where he succumbed to his AAAS obsession.

But wouldn’t you know it, before he could complete his dirty deed, Jason our AAAS sufferer heard voices coming from outside. Jason bolted to the backyard, where the voices he thought he heard were actually Sheriffs Deputies that were coming to the home to arrest our trespassing AAAS sufferer.

Law Enforcement arrested him. I am pretty sure that the Sheriff’s Deputies did not want to shake Jason’s hand either. The Deputies say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig.

Jason Lee Vickery, was charged with larceny and burglary. This is really disturbing, in the arrest report, it talks about our half-wit playing with the little green remote-controlled helicopter. The report goes onto state that by flying the helicopter  “Jason Lee Vickery, thus depriving the owner of the item and its battery life”. That sounds pretty f–king serious to me. I think he is going to be going away for a really long time, on that one charge alone.

I am not sure if the wig he was carrying is symptomatic of people suffering from AAAS or not. as I am not very familiar with the illness. After-all, I just gave it a name for the first time ever, a few short minutes ago.

At least Jason was carrying around a towel, as he should.

As the great visionary, Ford Prefect, once said: “Never ever,leave home without a towel”.

In case you missed it, I have written about something similar to this absurd incident previously. Of course, it also occurred in the great weird State of Florida. If you’re interested, you can read all about it by–> Clicking Here.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Cops: Burglar Tries To Disguise Self As The Sun:

Cops: Burglar Tries To Disguise Self As The Sun, Like this was a bright idea. Well, this goes without saying, obviously this happened in the great weird, State of Florida. The more absurd the story, the more likely it happened in Florida. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not complaining, Florida supplies me with inspiration for an endless supply of absurd stories.

You are not going to believe this, this dim-wit, burglarized a private home and proceeded to steal a towel. The arrest report actually stated that this dork; “did unlawfully deprive the owner of the use of the towel.”

This shining star broke into a house and apparently the only thing he could find worth stealing was a common, run-of-the-mill bath towel, that and nothing else. This turned out to be a very serious mistake.

Everyone knows how important towels are. This was even discussed in great detail in, “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.”  If you were to change the name of this classic work to “The Hitchhikers Guide to Florida,”  it would pretty much sum things pretty nicely. – “A towel, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”

Here’s the original Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy piece about the importance of towels, I strongly encourage you to watch it as it may very well save your live one day.

Unlawfully depriving the rightful owner the use of a towel is about as serious offense there is, this is especially true here in Florida. I never leave home without one. Anyone who lives in Florida already knows this, but for those of you who don’t let me explain.

First of all, in Florida most of the year we have like 150% humidity. The temperatures hover somewhere around the mid to upper 90’s. Needless to say a towel is highly useful as not only a sunshade, but we use it to wipe the sweet out of our eyes. I like to keep using mine, over, and over, until it gets so stiff from sweet, it stands up all by itself, then I wash it and start all over again.

Another thing it does here in Florida is, for like seven months out of the year is, it rains virtually everyday. When I say it rains, I don’t mean those light or even heavy rain showers. No, I am talking about monsoon rains. They usually start in the late afternoon, about 10 minutes before I have to leave work to drive home.This always makes for an exciting drive home.

The sky will turn menacing and black clouds roll in. The wind comes up to about 50 miles per hour and lightning strikes almost continuously.  Then inevitability, the sky opens up this monsoon like, wind blown rain. These thunderstorms usually last for an hour, or two, and then clear up as fast as they started. This is usually when I am just pulling up along side my house. Obviously, having a towel with you at all times is a necessity.

When you live in a climate like the one in Florida, unlawfully depriving a persons right to the use of his towel, ranks slightly higher then the right to bear arms. I have no doubt that when this dim wit is convicted, they will certainly throw the book at him. Hell, he could be looking at the death penalty.

It gets even more absurd, when deputies were investigating the incident, this dumb–s was “disguising himself as ‘The Sun’ with the intent to obstruct the due execution of law.”  Seriously? Hey dim wit, how were you going to hide, disguised as the sun? What did you do, set yourself on fire? Shine a powerful flashlight in the cops faces? wear a bright yellow-orange fully body suit? It seems to me that anyone would notice the sun trying to hide, in a garage, under the bed, or wherever. All the Police would have to do is put on their sun glasses.

So, guided by the light of this artificial sun, the Police soon extinguished this dumb s–t’s lame disguise and promptly arrested the towel stealing thief. He was  ultimately charged with unlawfully depriving the owner of the use of the towel, in the first degree as well as intent to obstruct the due execution of law. Like I said, this is a serious capitol offense in Florida.

Important Safety Tip: If you are going to do something really, really, stupid like burglary.  Take the cash, jewelry, drugs, electronics, whatever. Just never, never, take a towel, not even a small one.

If you ever have a need to disguise yourself as something, the sun would not be a good choice, especially at night.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

Roaches Run Amuck On New Jersey Bus

 Holy s–t! First there were snakes on a plane and now roaches on a bus.

If you are squeamish about stories featuring cockroaches, Stop Reading Right Now! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!!!

First of all, I am not a big fan of roaches. I mean I am not scared of them or anything like that, they are just disgusting creatures. This is making my skin crawl just thinking about them. I have a great roach story, however, more on that a little later.

Forty eight Passengers aboard a greyhound bus bound for Manhattan from Atlantic City, NJ, found themselves in a predicament just like something out of one of those B-rated horror movies. About 15 minutes or so into their trip, which started out as uneventful, suddenly took a turn for the worse when all of a sudden thousands of live roaches started pouring out of the air conditioning/heating vents located on both the ceiling and the floor.

I am not making this up, thousands of live cockroaches started pouring out of the vents! It doesn’t get any more absurd then this my friends.

The roach invasion started at the front of the bus when roaches started pouring out of the vents, onto the seats, floor and people in the front of the bus. A witness who was at the back of the bus reported that people in the front of the bus started screaming and the panic was spreading to the back of the bus.

Then the roach invasion reached the back of the bus and it wasn’t too much longer before the people at the back of the bus could see roaches everywhere and now they also started screaming as roaches started crawling all over them as well.

The interesting thing is, by the cellphone videos that were taken by several of the passengers, the bus looked fairly new and clean. This is not something I would have expected.

The bus pulled over and the freaked out passengers also swarmed off the bus. Another bus was sent to pick them up to continue their ill fated trip. I assume that the second bus was cockroach free. At least I hope so, for these poor peoples sanity anyway. Not to worry though, you can be sure that one of those ambulance chasing, personal injury law firms has already contacted everyone of those passengers and offered their assistance.

Now the main question I have is how did thousands of cockroaches get on a greyhound bus in Atlantic City?
By using my SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess) I can come up with three possible conclusions.

  1. It is winter in the Northeast United States. Someone could have left one or more windows open and the roaches got inside to stay warm. When the heat was turned on in the bus the roaches swarmed out of the hot heating & air conditioning ducts.
  2. The roaches were purposely shipped in a package for an event that was by some coincidence happening the very next evening, in New York City, at the Waldorf Astoria.
  3. A large colony of cockroaches living in Atlantic City, thought they could make a better life in Manhattan and figured a Greyhound bus was better then crawling all the way there.

I am going with No. 2, for the most likely explanation. It just so happens that the Explorer’s Club was meeting at the Waldorf Astoria for their annual dinner the very next evening.

According to Rachel Tepper, at the Huffington Post, “Gentlemen in tuxedos and ladies in ball gowns gathered at the stately Waldorf Astoria hotel in Manhattan on Saturday evening for the 109th annual dinner of the Explorers Club. But standard party fare was nowhere to be found; here, waiters passed around delicate hors d’oeuvres topped with cockroaches, scorpions and meal worms”.

But that’s not all’ also on the menu were “dishes made with goat penis and testicles, camel, earthworms and rattlesnake. A full-sized, roasted ostrich was also on display, its long neck propped up with wire as a waiter sliced meaty portions for adventurous diners. A whole elk, a goat, a beaver and muskrats were similarly displayed and carved”.

You may have noticed that one of the menu items were cockroaches.  That’s right, people were eating cockroaches and other disgusting fare as well. As a matter of fact here’s a picture taken at the same event.

Fried Cockroaches

So, where do you think the Explorers Club would obtain a large quantity of cockroaches anyway? Not from your local butcher shop that’s for sure. I believe that the roaches were ordered from a supplier in Atlantic City, NJ.

Obviously, the roaches somehow escaped and swarmed around the inside of the bus. I guess that they figured that if they were going to be somebody’s dinner, they were going to go down swinging, or swarming anyway.

Greyhound Bus Lines, issued a statement; “apologizing for the inconvenience.” and “Our team will be transporting the first bus back to the garage for further investigation.” I see that there was no mention of any sort of compensation for these people who suffered the traumatic stress of thousands of cockroaches crawling all over them. I highly doubt that this will resolve the mental distress these people suffered as a result of an invasion of thousands of cockroaches swarming and crawling all over them.

I guess we shall see how much this little incident costs Greyhound in the coming months, stay tuned.

Anyway I told you I have a cockroach story, and I have an amazing story, or maybe horrifying depending upon your point of view.

The scene is Danbury, Ct, in the mid 1980’s. I was going through a divorce and need a place to stay that was available quickly and was affordable. Anyway, I found this place nearby and it was also close to work. I contacted the landlord and checked it out the very next day. This place was an old three story, Victorian home, that had been separated into three apartments, one on each floor. The top floor had been recently vacated. At the time I didn’t know why, until it was too late.

I looked at the place and it looked great, the neighbors on the first floor looked a little sloppy and had a bunch of trash outside, other then that it wasn’t bad, or so I thought. I signed a lease that day.

Little did I know at the time, but I had just leased from the biggest slum landlord in the City. I mean this guy was the biggest scumbag there was,. This is a guy that used to rent horrible, sub-standard rundown places to welfare mothers, cash their checks for them, for a fee, and leave them with almost nothing, I’m sure that you know the type of dirt-bag I am talking about.

Anyway, I moved in that very same weekend. Since I was blissfully unaware of this scum-of-the-earth’s reputation, I just moved my meager possessions in that Saturday and started unpacking, cleaning etc. you know the usual stuff when you move into a new place.

The next day, I noticed a couple of cockroaches and roach droppings, in the kitchen. I went and got some roach spray and sprayed all around the kitchen. The next evening after work I actually saw 3 or 4 cockroaches running across the carpet in the living room, IN THE DAYTIME! I was starting to get really concerned.

I made quick work of the ballsy cockroaches cruising around the living room in the daytime and went into the kitchen. I was f–king horrified there must have been 20 or 30 dead cockroaches all around the kitchen where I had recently sprayed. This was serious, and eventually I came to realize that I was screwed. A quick call to the scum-bag landlord confirmed my suspicions, that I was on my own.

Anyway as time went on I was forced to keep a box of shoes outside the kitchen doorway. The cockroaches were so bad at night, that if you went into the kitchen at night and flipped on the light, there would be dozens of cockroaches scurrying everywhere. I actually started keeping my clean dishes inside the refrigerator, so I wouldn’t have to worry about the cockroaches crawling all over them.

Seriously, If I needed to go into the kitchen at night, I used to pick up a shoe from the box outside the doorway and throw one onto the middle of the kitchen floor prior to going in and turning on the light. This seemed to cause most of the cockroaches to run and hide. I still knew that they were there, but at least I couldn’t see them.

It got to a point where I developed a detailed plan to wipe the hoards of cockroach  invaders off the map, once and for all. I started purchasing the supplies needed to carry out my cockroach genocide program. Seven cans of bug bombs, nasty industrial grade stuff too. You only need one or two for an area this size, so I figured that seven cans would be better. I removed every switch plate, electrical outlet cover, pulled down light fixtures, heating grates, opened drawers and cabinets and anywhere else the cockroaches might hide.behind.

The day of the great cockroach massacre, a Friday, I arranged to work only a half day and go into work at noon. I picked Friday afternoon, as both the sub-human tenants on the first and second floors, weren’t home during the day. I started by taping up around the windows, the exhaust fans in the kitchen and bathroom and put a rolled up towel in front of the back door, I had another one ready to place at the bottom of the front door after I left.

I was ready to turn the entire apartment into a cockroach gas chamber. A totally sealed space so the hoards of cockroach invaders couldn’t run and hide somewhere else. I wasn’t going to do this again, as it was a lot of work and kind of expensive too.

I placed three of the bug bombs in the kitchen, two in the living room, one in the bathroom and one in the bedroom. I quickly, went around the house setting each bug bomb, one at a time, before I managed to gas myself to death as well. I managed to hold my breath the entire time.

I exited by the front door, placed the rolled up towel in front of the door, went down the three flights of stairs, went outside, got into my car and went to work. Let me tell you, I was actually feeling pretty good, as I hoped that the cockroach invasion was going to be over, once and for all.

Anyway, 5:00 PM came and it was time to head home and see how well I did, getting rid of the vermin cockroaches.  I got to the house, bounded up the stairs (I was younger then, so I could still bound up the stairs). I unlocked the front door and opened the door. Not too bad I thought, the smell had mostly dissipated.and things looked OK, when I went into the living room. I saw a few, very few, dead roaches in the living room, but not too bad. That is, until I went and looked into the kitchen, Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw right in front of me.

There were literally thousands I’m not exaggerating, there were thousands of dead cockroaches. There were piles of dead cockroaches under every electrical outlet, where I had removed the covers. There was a big pile of dead cockroaches right below where I had pulled down the kitchen light fixture, There were dead roaches on the counter, inside the drawers that I had pulled out, there were dead cockroaches everywhere. It literally looked like I had killed every cockroach in the entire State of Connecticut. Furthermore, every cockroach in the State was apparently living in my house.

It took me literally two freaking hours to sweep up the dead cockroaches into a giant pile and throw them into the garbage. I spent another hour vacuuming up the cockroach carcasses from inside and around the electrical outlets, around the switches, etc. I then had to replace all the outlet covers, switch plates, light fixtures, etc. and another half an hour to clean the dead roaches from around the rest of the house.

After that I rarely saw anymore cockroaches, as I would set off a single bug bomb once a month. I only lived there a few months after that, before the lease was up and I found a much better place. I ended up leaving a bunch of my furniture behind, because I was afraid to bring new cockroaches to my new place.

Remember the scum-of-the-earth landlord I was telling you about? Well, he ended up dying unexpectedly of a heart attack on the Christian holiday of Passover, no less. I am not a religious person, but I always thought that this was some sort of sign. He was a horrible human being, and evidently, what goes around comes around. I do believe in Karma, and this guy, as evil as he was, definitely caused some sort of rip in the universe and nature righted it’s mistake.

Trust me, the world is a better place without him.

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content, as soon as it’s posted.If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the rooftops, to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

If you spot any “absurd or misleading headlines”, leave a comment below with the EXACT headline wording as it originally appeared, and just maybe, I will write a story about your absurd news headline, in the very near future.

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