Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops. Well, here we go again… Of course, this incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida, St. Augustine, to be exact. This is not something you would expect to happen in a quaint little historic town on Florida’s East coast.
St. Augustine, Florida
Here’s a guy who broke into a home, allegedly just to masturbate. This is the first time I have ever heard of such a thing. I can only assume that this half-wit has some sort of bizarre architecture fetish and feels compelled to masturbate on the inside of interesting or unique architectural structures. I am going to give this strangely bizarre fetish a name right now. Remember you heard it here first, from Tom Dye, the Safety Guy.
OK, you ready? Drum roll please…………….
The official term for this strange mental disorder, shall now and forever be called: Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome (AAAS).
Our AAAS sufferer, Jason Lee Vickery, 23 as he was identified by Law Enforcement is definitely someone you should be on the lookout for. Certainly don’t let your daughter date this guy. All you young mother’s out there, if you see this guy walking down the street, move the other side of the street and shield your children’s eyes. And for God’s sake do not, ever, under any circumstances, shake this dudes hand. Study this picture really, really, well. Better yet, print it out and paste it on the ol’ refrigerator.
Jason Lee Vickery
Oh, but it gets even better my friends, just as our AAAS sufferer, Jason, was about to get down to the deed, he was distracted by a toy remote-controlled helicopter that just happened to be lying around nearby. The helicopter was green. I have no idea if the color green had anything to do with his actions or not, I am just reporting the facts. This dumb–s was so fascinated by the green toy helicopter that he actually rummaged around until he found the remote-controlled helicopter’s batteries so he could take it for a spin around the inside of the house.
Remote Controlled Helicopter
I do have to admit, this little jewel does look like it would be a blast to fly around the house. But, I digress, let’s get back to our story.
After buzzing the green remote-controlled helicopter around the house for a while, this half-wit then proceeded to see if he could be even more off the wall. After tiring of playing with the little green helicopter, Jason our AAAS sufferer, pulled out a green salad that he just happened to have with him and proceeded to eat it.
Remember what I said before about the color green? First, he was distracted from masturbating by a “green” radio controlled helicopter, then he was distracted by a “green” salad, that he just happened to have with him. What the hell! How many f–ktards carry around a green salad in their pockets anyway?
This brings up a really interesting point, is there something about the color green that sets off, Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome sufferers? Doe’s the color green somehow cause AAAS suffers to compulsively act on their bizarre Architecturbation fantasies? Someone should seriously be studying this. If evidence proves decisively that this is true, then maybe the cure could be as simple as AAAS sufferers wearing special glasses that filter out the color green. We will just have to wait to see what the Scientist’s come up with.
After finishing his delicious green salad, that Jason just happened to have with him, in his pocket, this obsessed half-wit AAAS sufferer made his way to a second floor bathroom where he succumbed to his AAAS obsession.
But wouldn’t you know it, before he could complete his dirty deed, Jason our AAAS sufferer heard voices coming from outside. Jason bolted to the backyard, where the voices he thought he heard were actually Sheriffs Deputies that were coming to the home to arrest our trespassing AAAS sufferer.
Law Enforcement arrested him. I am pretty sure that the Sheriff’s Deputies did not want to shake Jason’s hand either. The Deputies say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig.
Jason Lee Vickery, was charged with larceny and burglary. This is really disturbing, in the arrest report, it talks about our half-wit playing with the little green remote-controlled helicopter. The report goes onto state that by flying the helicopter “Jason Lee Vickery, thus depriving the owner of the item and its battery life”. That sounds pretty f–king serious to me. I think he is going to be going away for a really long time, on that one charge alone.
I am not sure if the wig he was carrying is symptomatic of people suffering from AAAS or not. as I am not very familiar with the illness. After-all, I just gave it a name for the first time ever, a few short minutes ago.
At least Jason was carrying around a towel, as he should.
As the great visionary, Ford Prefect, once said: “Never ever,leave home without a towel”.
In case you missed it, I have written about something similar to this absurd incident previously. Of course, it also occurred in the great weird State of Florida. If you’re interested, you can read all about it by–> Clicking Here.
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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Well, What do you think?