More than 17,000 genital injuries tied to zippers

More than 17,000 genital injuries tied to zippers

Holy Sh-t! A study published in a recent issue of a British urology journal found 17,616 people went to the emergency room between 2002 and 2010 for genital injuries caused by zippers.

When is everyone with a ‘wanker’ on the planet going to stand up and demand justice. This hideous device, the zipper must be some sort of evil plot to scar mankind, and I really mean, man-kind. If any of you guys have seen that movie “There’s Something About Mary” then you know exactly what I am talking about. The Ben Stiller zipper scene is truly horrifying.

What the hell was wrong with buttons anyway? Before buttons there was draw strings, both these pants closures were extremely wanker friendly. Seriously, did you ever hear of any guy getting his wanker caught up in his button fly jeans or draw string pants? I think not.

So what changed? Why did someone decide that the non-hazardous pants closures, buttons and draw strings, that was used for centuries suddenly needed to be replaced with something that included really, really, sharp metal teeth?

I have a theory about this. I believe that the inventor of the zipper,  a man named Whitcomb L. Judson, was an American mechanical engineer from Chicago who was the first to invent and conceive of the idea, and the first to construct a workable-zipper, obviously had a hidden agenda.

You see, Witcomb had it out for his fellow man. I don’t know what happened in his childhood to cause him turn on the rest of  us,  maybe he just had an extra small penis. Whatever was going on in this madman’s mind, we will never know for sure. But one thing is clear, Witcomb L. Judson is a man to be despised and cursed until the end of time.

Think about it 17,616 people went to the emergency room between 2002 and 2010 for genital injuries caused by zippers.  The scary thing is, this was just in the United Kingdom.  Can you imagine what the number is worldwide? WTF…I don’t thing I can even imagine that, and I don’t even want to try. Hell, I’m still damaged from watching the zipper scene from “There’s Something About Mary”.

I think all the men on the planet, or anyone else with a wanker for that matter, should immediately rise up and demand that all men’s pants only be made with a button fly’s or draw string’s.  Think about it,  if all of us refused to buy any pants with zippers, this scourge, of the earth will slowly disappear from the earth once and for all.

In the meantime, there is something you can do should any part of your wanker, or if you’re inclined, a friends wanker (not that there is anything wrong with that) gets caught up in a zipper.  Here’s what you do. You may want to take notes. Don’t worry I can wait….

“You want to just pour mineral oil all over the zipper victims wanker and the zipper. Be generous, that’s the key.  Then let the victim sit there for 20 or 30 minutes. Park him in a room somewhere. When you come back, the foreskin will have simply slipped out of that zipper, although in some cases you may need a cotton swab to help it along a bit,”

That’s it guys, Let’s get to work and get rid of these wanker chomping zipper’s once and for all.

As always,